Bloomer

[ephemerald]

I wrote this several months ago, and I'm not entirely sure if there's anything to salvage of it.  I've scrapped and redone the last stanza a few times, changed and rearranged in places, only to be more frustrated than contented.

(Bloomer)

Light of night spills over evergreen
   and into me;
silver strands swirl beneath my skin.

A lunar hum speaks to me
    in dreams now,
in visions of what’s always been.

Mapping patterns into my mind,
    behind my eyes,
and beneath the tides.

I reach for her now in the night,
    as leaves of great blooming things
turn towards the sun of meadows bright.

As by dark’s descent, my petals unfold
    giving way to her heavy pull,
the light of her; her steady glow.

[Adoran]

(Bloomer)

Light of night spills over evergreen
   and into me;
silver strands swirl beneath my skin.

A lunar hum speaks to me
    in dreams now,
in visions of what’s always been.

Mapping patterns into my mind,
    behind my eyes, 
and beneath the tides.

I reach for her now in the night,
    as leaves of great blooming things
turn towards the sun of meadows bright.

As by dark’s descent, my petals unfold
    giving way to her heavy pull,
the light of her; her steady glow.

Hello there! I noticed this poem holds great eloquence within the creative use of imagery. I am especially fond of the first line,  how the image of moonlight spilling, as if by accident, over evergreen, something always so cheer, and into me; my interpretation of it is as a metaphor for unexpected sadness. Beautifully done. My next favorite lines are from the third stanza, however I was a little uncertain of the word phrase "Mapping patterns..." perhaps a call to repetitive thoughts or behavior, like how history repeats itself? I don't think it is too abstract, just a misinterpretation of my own mind and your cleverness; nonetheless, my favorite lines are the following: 

...behind my eyes, 

and beneath the tides.

The brilliant bedding of the words and their meaning is really genius! Behind the eyes, of sadness and in a emotional ocean, there is something causing the tides to rise, and thus, he cries.

Where as for where you wanted to go with this entire poem, I am unclear, but if you enlighten me I will be happy to give you some more useful feedback, rather than my praise.

[just mercedes]

I like the imagery used, and the writing is fluid and obviously thought-out. The one thing that stands out for me is the uneasy tension between dark and light. In the first stanza, if 'light of night' is moonlight, evergreen would be a greyish colour. Then in stanza 4 you have night, and things blooming, reaching for the sun, whereas at night most blooms are closed. Good poem though, keep working on it.

[aschueler]

Of course there is salvage.

I wrote this several months ago, and I'm not entirely sure if there's anything to salvage of it.  I've scrapped and redone the last stanza a few times, changed and rearranged in places, only to be more frustrated than contented.

(Bloomer)

Light of night spills over evergreen
   and into me; had to read this line  few times to see if I liked it. I do.  Its odd to have light spill over green and saves from cliche
silver strands swirl beneath my skin.

A lunar hum speaks to me  
    in dreams now, this is an awkard point, moon noise?  Plus are you awake?  
in visions of what’s always been.

Mapping patterns into my mind,
    behind my eyes,
and beneath the tides.

I reach for her now in the night,   the her is unclear ... Moon?  A person?  Purposely unclear?
    as leaves of great blooming things
turn towards the sun of meadows bright.  I agree with Mercedes, day and night mixed up

As by dark’s descent, my petals unfold
    giving way to her heavy pull,
the light of her; her steady glow.

I thought a lot of these images were quite nice, even pretty.  Worth continued work.

I like your rhymes but scanning the meter seems inconsistent if you were trying for meter.

[ephemerald]

(Bloomer)

Light of night spills over evergreen
   and into me;
silver strands swirl beneath my skin.

A lunar hum speaks to me
    in dreams now,
in visions of what’s always been.

Mapping patterns into my mind,
    behind my eyes, 
and beneath the tides.

I reach for her now in the night,
    as leaves of great blooming things
turn towards the sun of meadows bright.

As by dark’s descent, my petals unfold
    giving way to her heavy pull,
the light of her; her steady glow.

Hello there! I noticed this poem holds great eloquence within the creative use of imagery. I am especially fond of the first line,  how the image of moonlight spilling, as if by accident, over evergreen, something always so cheer, and into me; my interpretation of it is as a metaphor for unexpected sadness. Beautifully done. My next favorite lines are from the third stanza, however I was a little uncertain of the word phrase "Mapping patterns..." perhaps a call to repetitive thoughts or behavior, like how history repeats itself? I don't think it is too abstract, just a misinterpretation of my own mind and your cleverness; nonetheless, my favorite lines are the following: 

...behind my eyes, 

and beneath the tides.

The brilliant bedding of the words and their meaning is really genius! Behind the eyes, of sadness and in a emotional ocean, there is something causing the tides to rise, and thus, he cries.

Where as for where you wanted to go with this entire poem, I am unclear, but if you enlighten me I will be happy to give you some more useful feedback, rather than my praise.

Thanks for the feedback!  It's interesting to see what kind of interpretation comes from the filter of another mind, so thanks for that as well. 

I actually hadn't intended for this to carry an element of sadness to it, though I seem to be finding there's a certain air of melancholy to much of what I write.  "Mapping patterns..."  was another wording for dreams (into my mind, behind my eyes) and with "beneath the tides" I was literally referring to the moon's pull on the tides and linking it to the pull on the "bloomer" here.

I like the imagery used, and the writing is fluid and obviously thought-out. The one thing that stands out for me is the uneasy tension between dark and light. In the first stanza, if 'light of night' is moonlight, evergreen would be a greyish colour. Then in stanza 4 you have night, and things blooming, reaching for the sun, whereas at night most blooms are closed. Good poem though, keep working on it.

Thanks!  I'm finding that this one is edging on almost too thought-out at this point, so I appreciate the fresh eyes.  I can see the inconsistency between evergreen and light of night there.  That was one of the lines that I've been playing with a bit.  Originally, it was "Moonlight spills over trees..."  I've also considered, "Liquid light spills over trees..." 

The duality between dark and light was intended, though I'd rather it be not as much of an uneasy tension as perhaps it's seeming.  As far as the blooming by night goes, I was hoping that would represent the mind coming alive under night/the moon.

---

Of course there is salvage.

I wrote this several months ago, and I'm not entirely sure if there's anything to salvage of it.  I've scrapped and redone the last stanza a few times, changed and rearranged in places, only to be more frustrated than contented.

(Bloomer)

Light of night spills over evergreen
   and into me; had to read this line  few times to see if I liked it. I do.  Its odd to have light spill over green and saves from cliche
silver strands swirl beneath my skin.

A lunar hum speaks to me  
    in dreams now, this is an awkard point, moon noise?  Plus are you awake?  
in visions of what’s always been.

Mapping patterns into my mind,
    behind my eyes,
and beneath the tides.

I reach for her now in the night,   the her is unclear ... Moon?  A person?  Purposely unclear?
    as leaves of great blooming things
turn towards the sun of meadows bright.  I agree with Mercedes, day and night mixed up

As by dark’s descent, my petals unfold
    giving way to her heavy pull,
the light of her; her steady glow.

I thought a lot of these images were quite nice, even pretty.  Worth continued work.

I like your rhymes but scanning the meter seems inconsistent if you were trying for meter.

Thanks for the critiques!

With "lunar hum" I was going with some kind of celestial noise.  The kind that emits a frequency not easily heard, but still penetrates the dreamer here (in dreams)

I'd been hoping that the "her," being the moon, would be clear but perhaps that will take a bit more reworking so that it's not easily missed by the reader.

With the day/night mix I was (attempting) to use a metaphor for how flowers "reach" and turn towards the sun for their source of life, and now how the dreamer is doing the same.  The mind (in dreams) blooming by night.

[Achebe]

Hi - I found this to be too full of metaphors. Couldn't quite understand in the end what it was that you were saying. I also found your abandonment of "the" unsatisfactory. Good luck.

[ephemerald]

Hi - I found this to be too full of metaphors. Couldn't quite understand in the end what it was that you were saying. I also found your abandonment of "the" unsatisfactory. Good luck.

Hi Achebe, thanks for the comment. 

I don't really know if I'm trying to say anything, per se.  In that I mean - there's nothing that I'm getting to, necessarily.  It holds a lot of subjective meaning and from that has spurred the imagery and metaphor, though from the responses I've garnered it's clear that the layered metaphors are making it kind of murky to decipher anything from an impartial viewpoint.  The gist of it is, "I bloom by night."  But I decided against putting some variation of those exact words in there. 

Could you elaborate on my lack of "the" and the detriment caused?  Where should the the's be?

[Achebe]

Hi - I found this to be too full of metaphors. Couldn't quite understand in the end what it was that you were saying. I also found your abandonment of "the" unsatisfactory. Good luck.

Hi Achebe, thanks for the comment. 

I don't really know if I'm trying to say anything, per se.  In that I mean - there's nothing that I'm getting to, necessarily.  It holds a lot of subjective meaning and from that has spurred the imagery and metaphor, though from the responses I've garnered it's clear that the layered metaphors are making it kind of murky to decipher anything from an impartial viewpoint.  The gist of it is, "I bloom by night."  But I decided against putting some variation of those exact words in there. 

Could you elaborate on my lack of "the" and the detriment caused?  Where should the the's be?

i wasn't alluding to a deeper meaning: just the literal one. 
A good example is 'in visions of what's always been' - you do not explain what this what is, and the line  becomes you talking to yourself. Anither is 'beneath the tides' - what do tides have to do with your eyes? You need to connect your images through the poem, else it becomes a mush.
The evergreen (tree?)

[TonyMahoney]

Hello,
I'm new to the site and I haven't much experience in critiquing poetry but I will give it a try. I really enjoyed this poem. Very nice imagery. Nice flow to the words. The feeling that I got from it was bittersweet. I was reminded of a time when I found comfort in the memory of a love that I had lost. The fourth stanza could be a little confusing given the juxtaposition of the night with the bright meadows but I interpreted it to be symbolic of the speaker's mindset or emotional predisposition in comparison with those around him as opposed to being indicative of the time of day. I may be way off. Either way I really enjoyed it. Thanks.

I wrote this several months ago, and I'm not entirely sure if there's anything to salvage of it.  I've scrapped and redone the last stanza a few times, changed and rearranged in places, only to be more frustrated than contented.

(Bloomer)

Light of night spills over evergreen
   and into me;
silver strands swirl beneath my skin.

A lunar hum speaks to me
    in dreams now,
in visions of what’s always been.

Mapping patterns into my mind,
    behind my eyes,
and beneath the tides.

I reach for her now in the night,
    as leaves of great blooming things
turn towards the sun of meadows bright.

As by dark’s descent, my petals unfold
    giving way to her heavy pull,
the light of her; her steady glow.

[ephemerald]

i wasn't alluding to a deeper meaning: just the literal one. 
A good example is 'in visions of what's always been' - you do not explain what this what is, and the line  becomes you talking to yourself. Anither is 'beneath the tides' - what do tides have to do with your eyes? You need to connect your images through the poem, else it becomes a mush.
The evergreen (tree?)

Ah, I think that's a really good point for me to take; that I'm just talking to myself without bringing the reader fully in.  Admittedly, I've definitely been in this beginning stage of just writing for myself without paying mind to an outside interpretation. 

With "in visions of what's always been" I was hoping to portray some kind of sense of the moon hung in the sky as a kind of constant watcher of the events and happenings below.  With "behind my eyes and beneath the tides" I was making a parallel between the pull and affect (almost as some kind of possession) the moon having on both the earth and dreamer.  Obviously falling a bit short and becoming this "mush" you speak of.

Perhaps making the reference to trees in the first line "evergreens" instead of just "evergreen" would make more sense.  Separating species of tree from just some colour.

Hello,
I'm new to the site and I haven't much experience in critiquing poetry but I will give it a try. I really enjoyed this poem. Very nice imagery. Nice flow to the words. The feeling that I got from it was bittersweet. I was reminded of a time when I found comfort in the memory of a love that I had lost. The fourth stanza could be a little confusing given the juxtaposition of the night with the bright meadows but I interpreted it to be symbolic of the speaker's mindset or emotional predisposition in comparison with those around him as opposed to being indicative of the time of day. I may be way off. Either way I really enjoyed it. Thanks.

Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it!  And again, thanks for sharing what specifically came to mind from it through your reading.  Your interpretation of the night/day dichotomy as symbolic is closer to what I'd been attempting to elucidate, too. 

Oh, and hey, I'm new to the site as well!  Hope to read some of your writing, too .

[aschueler]

Totally agree with evergreens... Thought that after I posted my earlier one and debated adding the idea, now there it is.