Fresh and Young

[Erthona]

Fresh and Young
 
Moment to moment,
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy,
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive.
 
I see young children play
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy—
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—.
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily.
"It should be banned," they say,
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake.
 
Do not be deceived by the old
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold.
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place.
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings".
 
They have, had their one chance at life
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret;
each and everyone of them has one regret.
It burns them and the burning is never done.
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.   
 
erthona
 
©2016

[tectak]

Fresh and Young
Hi dale,
this is a well trod path you walk on...it is well known to us both. I have resisted the compulsion to write on it, as I cannot think of anything the old can write that is new. That's the way of it...so somewhat predictably I find myself wishing I had written your words but glad I didn't. I guess I'm not old enough yet...but maybe tomorrow. To the  crit.
 
Moment to moment,
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy, OMG. Has there been a comma storm? First four unnecessary. OK after "beat".
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive. to
 
I see young children play
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy— Actually a colon would be fine here. Or a period. Or a semicolon...but a dash? Why?
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—. Never seen this before. Dash period?
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily. Conceptually sloppy. Rail at and jeer at is a difficult mix. Rail against and jeer at is fine but you may need to de re construct. Is it worth it to please me?
"It should be banned," they say, Hmmm...it?
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake. Interesting word "partake"...especially in this context. I think I like it.
 
Do not be deceived by the old comma
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold. No. Not sense.  I do not not fully understand what you mean. Personification of death is fine and familiar but to give that old pretender "cold" leaves me puzzled.
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place.
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings". Bitter regrets. But who is saying what and to whom?
 
They have, had their one chance at life comma crazy. What the hell is it doing here?
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret;
each and everyone of them has one regret.
It burns them and the burning is never done.
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.    Way too preachy and not given to general acceptance ( but I exclude myself from the consensus ) Is that the intent?
 
erthona
 
©2016

It is angosdura.Not an easy read.
I await your explanation.
Best,Tom

[Erthona]

Tom,

" OMG. Has there been a comma storm? First four unnecessary. OK after "beat"."

I knew I would take flake over this, but I did it anyway. I also considered using a "/" to illustrate the labor in the lines that mimic the labor of the heart.

Moment to moment/
this old heart must decide/
if it is worth the effort/
to gather the energy/
for one more beat,

of course originally I had no commas, but I wanted to see the reaction.
____________________________________________________________________
"Never seen this before. Dash period?"

That's an em dash, used parenthetically, quite acceptable, used in many copyrighted works of poetry, although not in the older stuff...
____________________________________

" Conceptually sloppy. Rail at and jeer at is a difficult mix. Rail against and jeer at is fine but you may need to de re construct. Is it worth it to please me?"

You need to read more carefully there, it says " rail and jeer"  no "against", no "at".
___________________________________________________________________________  

" No. Not sense.  I do not not fully understand what you mean. Personification of death is fine and familiar but to give that old pretender "cold" leaves me puzzled."

It is somewhat awkward, I agree, but death is cold, that is when one dies, warmth leaves the body. I considered "and "kisses of cold Death" which might serve. What do you think?
_____________________________________________________________________________________

" Bitter regrets. But who is saying what and to whom?"

Time sequence mishap here. Regret does not come until later. The speaker is speaking to the young person(s) who might feel sorry for the old person and get too close, becoming a victim of the body snatchers.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

" Way too preachy and not given to general acceptance ( but I exclude myself from the consensus Is that the intent?"

Any older person who has finally admitted that it only gets worse from here because they start to have those aches and pains that no amount of diet change or exercise will remedy is a liar if they say they would not like a younger body with all the strength, energy and sense of near invulnerability it brings, of course one assumes they could bring along their spouse should they wish, were it even possible. Yet history is full of people in power searching for eternal youth, from Gilgamesh, to Kurtzweil. Anybody with a semi-satisfactory life who has reached their golden years would love to have hold of a gallon of youth serum, either to hoard it, or to bring along their friends. Certainly death comes to us all, even George Burns, but this is not about death, this is about youth. Certainly, it only makes one sour to contemplate and focus on such a thing as that is not the hand we have been dealt. Still even Dylan said in a song, referring to young men, "I'd trade places with anyone one of them in a moment if I could." (Sorry, can't recall the song, I believe it is off of the "It Ain't Dark but it's Getting There" Album, but don't hold me to it. The point, who among the oldies would refuse a youthening of 20 or 30 years? If there are those of a self righteous bent who say they are fine the way they are, I say they have smoking pants

Your grammatical and typo corrections I will of course take on board with much appreciation...as always.  

____________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks for the help,

dale

[Tiger the Lion]

This is beautiful, and sad. I think the whole poem is in the first strophe. I will make a few notes now, and return when I have more.

Fresh and Young
 
Moment to moment, don't need this comma. (or any of them) You're slowing it unnecessarily. 
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy,
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive. "to" - dizlekshea boy
 
I see young children play
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy—
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—. stronger without "highly" - go figure
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily. same with "so"
"It should be banned," they say,
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake.
 
Do not be deceived by the old
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold.
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place.
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings". "oldlings" works for me. But in quotes it feels like you're forcing it on us. 
 
They have, had their one chance at life strike "one". again we get it. too much
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret;
each and everyone of them has one regret. every one - 2 words here
It burns them and the burning is never done. perfect as is 
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.   
 
erthona
 
©2016

I will be back with some more thoughtful crit. Wanted to get a start.
Paul

[Keith]

A strong opening that goes some way to explaining or justifying what is to follow, the introduction to the fresh and young I found a bit creepy, bordering on pervy rather than a celebration of youth or capturing what it is to be young. The end I really like it made me think of Texas chainsaw and its quite sad but true that we all at some point want to feel young again. Very much enjoyed some further comments below. Keith

Fresh and Young
 
Moment to moment, a bit bland but has the rhythm of a heart beat which I like.
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy,
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive. Commas already discussed but the opening is strong and sets up the reader and the poem nicely.
 
I see young children play
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy— The phrasing of these three lines (and I think I) could be improved.
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—. Like this as again it shows regret and gives the reader understanding
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily.
"It should be banned," they say,
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake. This as an image is ok but its old hat and the partake and It should be banned, makes it a bit pervy by bringing in a sexual connotation.  I would much rather see something new that works harder to show the reader why the old would suck the life from the young.
 
Do not be deceived by the old
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold. great image chainsaw esk
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place.
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings". I like Oldlings too, by naming them the reader is given a sense that they could be real.
 
They have, had their one chance at life this line could be paired back
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret; not sure you need this line as its not really a secret since you already told the reader in S3
each and everyone of them has one regret.
It burns them and the burning is never done.
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.   Nice ending and many will relate.
 
erthona
 
©2016

Good luck with the edit Dale, I really enjoyed reading the poem. Best Keith

[aschueler]

Fresh and Young
 
Moment to moment,
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy,
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive. I read your comments about these commas. I have to say I do know a lot of very old people, and to me this came across as melodramatic.... Usually people get short winded when truly tired.
 
I see young children play
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy—. Seems cliched here 
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—.
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily.
"It should be banned," they say,
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake. I did like this line here
 
Do not be deceived by the old
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold.
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place. Creepy shit
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings".
 
They have, had their one chance at life
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret;
each and everyone of them has one regret.
It burns them and the burning is never done.
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.   Is this a regret or a desire?
 
erthona
 
©2016

I enjoyed your poem, but significant bits didn't seem authentic.  I see a lot of elderly take energy from youth in a non vampiric way that breaks  the law of conservation of energy.

[Erthona]

" I see a lot of elderly take energy from youth in a non vampiric way that breaks  the law of conservation of energy"     

Oh that pesky First law of thermodynamics, but is it really a closed system you are observing? 

" significant bits didn't seem authentic"

If you would care to point out those bits...

Thanks for your comments Mike, will take under advisement in edit. Appreciate your time to read and comment.

Best,

dale

[tectak]

Tom,

" OMG. Has there been a comma storm? First four unnecessary. OK after "beat"."

I knew I would take flake over this, but I did it anyway. I also considered using a "/" to illustrate the labor in the lines that mimic the labor of the heart.

Moment to moment/
this old heart must decide/
if it is worth the effort/
to gather the energy/
for one more beat,

of course originally I had no commas, but I wanted to see the reaction. Hmmm. well, I believe you...thousands wouldn't.
____________________________________________________________________
"Never seen this before. Dash period?"

That's an em dash, used parenthetically, quite acceptable, used in many copyrighted works of poetry, although not in the older stuff...Dog with a bone. I cannot find ANY support for your em dash then period use. I can find much to the contary. To be simplistic, it is a little like ending a sentence with two punctuation marks,.
See end.
____________________________________

" Conceptually sloppy. Rail at and jeer at is a difficult mix. Rail against and jeer at is fine but you may need to de re construct. Is it worth it to please me?"

You need to read more carefully there, it says " rail and jeer"  no "against", no "at". Huh? it says "rail and jeer AT..." I rest my case. By implication rail at and jeer at do not sit together. As I said, one rails AGAINST and one jeers AT.
___________________________________________________________________________  

" No. Not sense.  I do not not fully understand what you mean. Personification of death is fine and familiar but to give that old pretender "cold" leaves me puzzled."

It is somewhat awkward, I agree, but death is cold, that is when one dies, warmth leaves the body. I considered "and "kisses of cold Death" which might serve. What do you think?Well yes. It now makes sense. Who would argue with that?
_____________________________________________________________________________________

" Bitter regrets. But who is saying what and to whom?"

Time sequence mishap here. Regret does not come until later. The speaker is speaking to the young person(s) who might feel sorry for the old person and get too close, becoming a victim of the body snatchers.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

" Way too preachy and not given to general acceptance ( but I exclude myself from the consensus Is that the intent?"

Any older person who has finally admitted that it only gets worse from here because they start to have those aches and pains that no amount of diet change or exercise will remedy is a liar if they say they would not like a younger body with all the strength, energy and sense of near invulnerability it brings, of course one assumes they could bring along their spouse should they wish, were it even possible. Yet history is full of people in power searching for eternal youth, from Gilgamesh, to Kurtzweil. Anybody with a semi-satisfactory life who has reached their golden years would love to have hold of a gallon of youth serum, either to hoard it, or to bring along their friends. Certainly death comes to us all, even George Burns, but this is not about death, this is about youth. Certainly, it only makes one sour to contemplate and focus on such a thing as that is not the hand we have been dealt. Still even Dylan said in a song, referring to young men, "I'd trade places with anyone one of them in a moment if I could." (Sorry, can't recall the song, I believe it is off of the "It Ain't Dark but it's Getting There" Album, but don't hold me to it. The point, who among the oldies would refuse a youthening of 20 or 30 years? If there are those of a self righteous bent who say they are fine the way they are, I say they have smoking pants Yes. I concede this one as I have had to do before BUT why do you say it is a "secret" if it is so manifestly true in your statement? Hmm again. On second thoughts I guess there is a sublety here I was not expecting. What the narrator is doing is blowing the gaff, letting the cat out of the bag, spilling the beans. So OK

Your grammatical and typo corrections I will of course take on board with much appreciation...as always.  

____________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks for the help,

dale

Extract from http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/em-dash.html. John Whale agrees. So do I.

Em dashes in place of parentheses

A pair of em dashes can replace a pair of parentheses. Dashes are considered less formal than parentheses; they are also more intrusive. If you want to draw attention to the parenthetical content, use dashes. If you want to include the parenthetical content more subtly, use parentheses.

Note that when dashes are used in place of parentheses, surrounding punctuation should be omitted. Compare the following examples.

Upon discovering the errors (all 124 of them), the publisher immediately recalled the books.

Upon discovering the errors—all 124 of them—the publisher immediately recalled the books.

When used in place of parentheses at the end of a sentence, only a single dash is used.


After three weeks on set, the cast was fed up with his direction (or, rather, lack of direction).


After three weeks on set, the cast was fed up with his direction—or, rather, lack of direction.

[aschueler]

" I see a lot of elderly take energy from youth in a non vampiric way that breaks  the law of conservation of energy"     

Oh that pesky First law of thermodynamics, but is it really a closed system you are observing? 

" significant bits didn't seem authentic"

If you would care to point out those bits...

Thanks for your comments Mike, will take under advisement in edit. Appreciate your time to read and comment.

Best,

dale

No idea if its a closed system, but none seems the less from the energy exhange.

So the inauthentic bits were the commas/pauses for (I presume) breathing in the opening stanzas.  I would feel slower but not choppy speech for an older person contemplating how many beats he has left more authentic.  Sometimes they seem to have a single long pause where you worry they forgot what they were saying.  Hearts beating irregularly/slowly make people slow and logy;  COPD or someone with heart failure in extremis more choppy.

[Achebe]

Fresh and Young
 
Moment to moment,
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy,
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive.
 
I see young children play  
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy— ...the above three lines are the weakest in the poem, particularly "and I think I would not mind" - it's both blandly phrased and not particularly insightful: most people "wouldn't mind" being a child again. I think it'd be better to start S2 with "Some of my peers"
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—.
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily.
"It should be banned," they say,
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake.
 
Do not be deceived by the old
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold.
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place.
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings".
 
They have, had their one chance at life
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret;
each and everyone of them has one regret.
It burns them and the burning is never done.
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.   
 
erthona
 
©2016

Hi dale - particularly liked the ending. Might be a good idea to trim the rest, though.

[Erthona]

Achebe,

Thanks for giving it a read and commenting. Always appreciated.

dale