Helper (major re write)

[aschueler]

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
  --Fred Rogers

They slow to stare as they pass
by, leaving you feeling stupid,
alone, stranded in the cold
morning rain.  Yet you wave
your arms for help.

The exploded tire has no hope
for repair.  Your child lay sleeping,
unaware, nested in a pile
of clothes and a soft jacket, 
but no car seat.

As I open my car door 
and move the seat helping
you both in -- you exclaim confusion
why did I stop, when did no one else stop?

The others are scalded by memories of
unearned swindles, rebuffs, unfair returns.  They fear
danger, even murder.

Fear, fear is why they look only to their own.  Helping
makes one vulnerable.

You sounded relieved to label me a helper after
I reluctantly explained I was a doctor
(people don't always like doctors).

I have hated labels as limiting but this one
I add to the ones I hold to myself:
Doctor, husband, father, and helper.






Original:

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
  --Fred Rogers

Passing cars leave you feeling stupid.
Arms you wave for help, as you're stranded in
rain and cold with an exploded tire;
and your child sleeps, sheltered, with no 
car seat.  It was me who stopped
'Long the median, confused you, helped you
early that morning.  
That none other did stop
except me I explained: Helping makes you vulnerable. Everyone is afraid, and Looks to their own. 

You even furnished me with a new label 
to explain to yourself why I stopped.

Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper.

[REW]

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
  --Fred Rogers

Passing cars leave you feeling stupid.
Arms you wave for help, as you're stranded in
rain and cold with an exploded tire;
and your child sleeps, sheltered, with no 
car seat.  It was me who stopped
'Long the median, confused you, helped you
early that morning.  
That none other did stop
except me I explained: Helping makes you vulnerable. Everyone is afraid, and Looks to their own.

You even furnished me with a new label
to explain to yourself why I stopped.

Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper.

I will be back, but I was wondering in the meantime if that is a typo in your title?  It says, "Helfer".  Did you mean "Helper"?

[aschueler]

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
  --Fred Rogers

Passing cars leave you feeling stupid.
Arms you wave for help, as you're stranded in
rain and cold with an exploded tire;
and your child sleeps, sheltered, with no 
car seat.  It was me who stopped
'Long the median, confused you, helped you
early that morning.  
That none other did stop
except me I explained: Helping makes you vulnerable. Everyone is afraid, and Looks to their own.

You even furnished me with a new label
to explain to yourself why I stopped.

Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper.

I will be back, but I was wondering in the meantime if that is a typo in your title?  It says, "Helfer".  Did you mean "Helper"?

No, it's German for helper.  For some reason couldn't get the German word out of my head.

This is .... Maybe a bit too experimental or undercooked. I am playing with languages a little.  Just a little.  There's some also some Latin, and it's an acrostic for paraclete, also helper.

[REW]

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
  --Fred Rogers

Passing cars leave you feeling stupid.
Arms you wave for help, as you're stranded in
rain and cold with an exploded tire;
and your child sleeps, sheltered, with no 
car seat.  It was me who stopped
'Long the median, confused you, helped you
early that morning.  
That none other did stop
except me I explained: Helping makes you vulnerable. Everyone is afraid, and Looks to their own.

You even furnished me with a new label
to explain to yourself why I stopped.

Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper.

I will be back, but I was wondering in the meantime if that is a typo in your title?  It says, "Helfer".  Did you mean "Helper"?

No, it's German for helper.  For some reason couldn't get the German word out of my head.

This is .... Maybe a bit too experimental or undercooked. I am playing with languages a little.  Just a little.  There's some also some Latin, and it's an acrostic for paraclete, also helper.

I don't think it is too experimental.  Perhaps have helper be your title though and substitute helper in the poem with helfer?
That is neat that this is an acrostic.  Perhaps bold those beginning letters to cue the reader?  Is there significance to the German, as in German heritage?

I do not have time to look at this and comment in depth right now, but I will return.  Helfer is a foreign word for me and so similar to helper that I thought it might be in error.  It might work better in the body with your other terms I am thinking. Hopefully some other feedback is on the way...

[aschueler]

I will be back, but I was wondering in the meantime if that is a typo in your title?  It says, "Helfer".  Did you mean "Helper"?

No, it's German for helper.  For some reason couldn't get the German word out of my head.

This is .... Maybe a bit too experimental or undercooked. I am playing with languages a little.  Just a little.  There's some also some Latin, and it's an acrostic for paraclete, also helper.

I don't think it is too experimental.  Perhaps have helper be your title though and substitute helper in the poem with helfer?
That is neat that this is an acrostic.  Perhaps bold those beginning letters to cue the reader?  Is there significance to the German, as in German heritage?

I do not have time to look at this and comment in depth right now, but I will return.  Helfer is a foreign word for me and so similar to helper that I thought it might be in error.  It might work better in the body with your other terms I am thinking. Hopefully some other feedback is on the way...

Stuck it back in my head.  Still not sure about the title.
2 years of German in college is always trying to sneak out and find something to do. You can forget words but not unlearn a language.

[Erthona]

acrostic explains a lot, but it seems you sacrifice the elegance/smoothness of the poem for the acrostic.

L1 Starting without an indefinite article makes this ambiguous. Regardless of intent, the ambiguity does not seem to benefit the line. Of course adding "The" to clarify would screw the acrostic, which is in miniature what is generally the problem with this poem. The content has been sacrificed for the form. I could give examples but this is mild so I will refrain. 

BEYOND ACROSTIC

I am having problems with the  postscript, postlude, codicil, addendum, et al.

"You even furnished me with a new label
to explain to yourself why I stopped.
Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper."   (Why would a wife stop? Not to be sexist, but as a general rule a married woman would tend not to stop, I'll not go into the reason.)

Especially the last line: Wife-Father-Doctor?   I see nothing in the rest of the poem that connects or justifies this usage. To me (and this is because I am this way) it feels as though you are just trying to be clever. There is really no reason to use alternate language words here, they serve no purpose at all.

As Old English was basically German, there are many cognates between the two languages and that it stuck in your mind is hardly justification to saddle the title with the word "Helfer" which BTW looks more like "heifer" (cow), than helper.

In terms of the postscript, you might want to consider dropping it altogether as it has no part of the acrostic, so just on that note it confuses the issue.

Anyway, I doubt you will like my commentary very much, but what is happening in this poem is not that much different (outside of the P.S.) than when people do all sorts of odd syntactical deformations to make the meter work in a sonnet. So I don't want to leave you with the idea I am lambasting you to any great degree. Just a small degree

look forward to future revisions,

Best,

dale

P.S.  With a name like aschueler, you shouldn't have needed to take two years of German. I had to, just to get my undergrad degree, but it was helpful when I sang the role of "Papageno".

I wanted to be a star.
Yet, they cast me in comedic roles.
I could never understand why,
as I am a Sirius guy.

[aschueler]

Dale, thanks for the lambast. Didn't think it was directed to me, and I actually appreciate your comments. You noted most everything I didn't like about the poem myself. But I needed help to get some advice where it was principally failing so I can push it on.

Where to begin. I really think this was undercooked. It was written way too fast and after I hit the submit button I thought, Oh, no....

I have always resisted labels, either naturally or through cussedness. The last lines where to indicate the ones that stuck that I am proud of. Screwed that up twice, missed uxor for wife when I am a husband. Sigh. Alternate language was being playful, not being overly clever

Will have to do a major re write if this survives. Again, thanks. I haven't written a poem in 20+ yrs, I know it shows but I am learning faster now. It's like playing darts, the first few are wild but then I get closer. THis one missed the board and maybe wounded a cat.


PS German: German heritage way back. And I did indeed change the title. Mea culpa.

[REW]

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
  --Fred Rogers

Passing cars leave you feeling stupid.
Arms you wave for help, as you're stranded in
rain and cold with an exploded tire;
and your child sleeps, sheltered, with no 
car seat.  It was me who stopped
'Long the median, confused you, helped you
early that morning.  
That none other did stop
except me I explained: Helping makes you vulnerable. Everyone is afraid, and Looks to their own.

You even furnished me with a new label
to explain to yourself why I stopped.

Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper.

Okay I am back for more, but I am using my phone...presuming the acrostic component is important to you, I suggest going in and rewriting some lines or reworking the syntax.  For example, in line 2 you could say, "at the side of the road stranded waving for help in."  Also, it seems you want to use some foreign words.  What if you put all your help words together.  They could represent how helping doesn't know the boundaries of culture or country.

I have been helped a few times and I have helped.  One time I encountered a man out of gas.  I wasn't about to have him in my car.  I did return though with a gas can full of gas for him.  He was stunned.

One thought is that your quote is deep and about finding the good in scary situations.  I kind of feel like you could be more dramatic with this pairing.  The quote seems almost about finding peace within terror.  Well maybe that is for another one.  Mainly I see a need to rework this a bit to make the syntax smoother and etc.

Helfer made me think of heifer too lol.  In the poem I don't think  it would be the case so much if appearing with the other helper words.  I would keep those as helper words.  Doctor??? Does that belong there?

[Laxschmi]

I really loved your perspective on labels. This is very evocative and invites the reader to consider the labels they use for themselves.

The "you" in this poem kind of confuses me. How do you know the person you're helping is "feeling stupid"? Maybe change this to something you directly observed like "looking unsure" or "looking dismayed." It sounds like you could be talking in the 2nd person - only when you switched to "I" did I realize that the writer and the person stranded were two different people. Again, when you talk about "the others" - how do you know why they didn't stop? Maybe adding a qualifier "Like so many, they are scalded by..." it seems to vast a generalization to say that was the reasoning of ALL of them. Some may have been late to work or a meeting. I understand the points you are trying to make, but the direct projection of motivation/feelings makes the poem a little muddy for me in those stanzas.

I really liked the quote as setting up the poem. It gives a good sense of time- childhood to adulthood- and a reminder about how the concept of labels you develop as a child still influence you as an adult. Also, I was intrigued by "not everyone likes doctors." Could be a subject for another poem or something to add a line or two about in this poem. I want to know why not everyone likes doctors ( I sure like them when they help me, as I am sure the stranded person did). I am sure you have some interesting experiences and perspectives on that.

Overall very nice poem.

[aschueler]

Thanks for the comments, Laxschmi. This was an accidental poem that I am working on. Will see what I can do to clarify those bits.

Maybe some day I could write a poem about why people don't like doctors....but it would feel like work, like an essay.