Thirst

[Apache]

The dark and oily blood of dinosaurs
coagulates remote in desert bores

suckled by the gnattish maws of platforms.
Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth

of prehistoric heartbeats melts the ice
to water palm trees. Larva plump like rice

in stagnant swamps. Mosquitoes, long and thin,
shake the air off of their wings in ecstasy. 

The siren clout of dino-blood's temptation
draws them from the tropics. Led astray, 

bearing minuscule conquistadors:
protozoans wave their whip-like flags

and pray in chapels made of chitin.
Marooned where prey is bitten

by the insect's thirsty drilling,
history repeats

in miniature.

[Apache]

Does anybody have any constructive comments/criticisms? Even if you don't have anything specific to say, I'd like even some simple "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" type posts just to get a sense of how people feel about this. It's hard to improve the poem if nobody says anything!

[Achebe]

The dark and oily blood of dinosaurs .... I pointed out in an earlier crit how petroleum does not come from dinosaurs. This is a glaring mistake that spoils all that comes after it.
coagulates remote in desert bores ... solidifies? it remains a liquid.

suckled by the gnattish maws of platforms. .... this line creates an impression of offshore oil rigs, which doesn't go well with 'desert bores'. Onshore platforms are quite unremarkable.
Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth ..... this line is factually incorrect. gas is flared, not oil ("blood coagulated"). gas is a byproduct, but it can't be 'blood coagulated'.

of prehistoric heartbeats melts the ice ...I am confused as to whether you are talking about global warming, or oil fired generation somewhere up north. I'll assume the former, but I don't recall GW as bringing rain to the desert.
to water palm trees. Larva plump like rice ...nice line, underlined

in stagnant swamps. Mosquitoes, long and thin,
shake the air off of their wings in ecstasy.  .. nice lines

The siren clout of dino-blood's temptation
draws them from the tropics. Led astray, ...don't quite get the connection here. the mosquitoes are not being drawn by dino blood, they are coming about as a result of global warming thawing the permafrost and creating stagnant pools of water all around (not quite how it works...), the thawing being made possible by dino blood. I don't see how it links back to the mozzies going out in search of dino blood.

bearing minuscule conquistadors:
protozoans wave their whip-like flags ...nice lines

and pray in chapels made of chitin.
Marooned where prey is bitten ...nice lines

by the insect's thirsty drilling,
history repeats

in miniature. ...It doesn't, because protozoans don't fossilise inside their victims

I wrote a crit earlier, but you didn't find it 'constructive' enough, so I replaced it with the version above.
The image you're trying to create is undermined by factual inaccuracy and glaringly false analogies.

On the other hand, some of the lines read quite well, so you've certainly got a knack for writing.

[Erthona]

Apache,

Try writing these lines out in sentences to see if they make sense before going all artistic.

The dark and (oily - a bit obvious) blood of dinosaurs coagulates(in) remote in desert bores suckled by the gnattish maws of platforms.  (Trying to hard here to be poetic with "gnattish maws of platforms". That doesn't really convey much of an image)


Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth of prehistoric heartbeats melts the ice to water palm trees. (Use enjambment judiciously) Is this a sentence? What is pumped? Pumped is the verb, but there is no subject, following pumped is a dependent clause.


Larva plump like rice in stagnant swamps. (Dependent clause. No verb in this one. "Larva was/is plump...")


Mosquitoes, long and thin, shake the air off of their wings in ecstasy. (As air surrounds, one questions the idea of air being on wings, seems a bit nonsensical, along with the idea of shakes. Maybe some better descriptors. )

The siren clout of dino-blood's (dino's-blood's, personally I'd write the word out, the poem gains nothing from the abbreviated "dino", calls to mind the "Flintstones" ) temptation draws them from the tropics. (Again ad hoc use of enjambment. I'm sorry but this whole line is just awkwardly said. If the writer is meaning to say that the burning of fossil fuels is warming the environment and causing the mosquitoes that carry malaria to move beyond their normal range, it is not very clear, nor very elegant. I think it starts with "siren clout" which should be "siren's clout", but either way it is a clumsy usage. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but it just is and another needs to be found. I can appreciate trying to avoid cliche, but "siren's draw" would be better than "clout". Plus with "blood" being so close it is easy to think of "clot".) 

Led astray, bearing minuscule conquistadors: protozoans wave their whip-like flags and pray in chapels made of chitin. I had to read this line several times before I understood the meaning. I think a better word than bearing is in order, maybe "infected by". In this situation "Bearing" is to ambiguous, and this is a place one does not want to be ambiguous, although I do like the image "minuscule conquistadors". Don't really get the reference to the "chapel of chitin". That doesn't really seem to fit what is being said.


Marooned where prey is bitten by the insect's thirsty drilling, history repeats in miniature.

Probably just "history repeats in miniature" would be sufficient, or "Thus, history...". The first part of the line is redundant, kind of like a news recap, which is fine if one is doing the news...

___________________________________________________________________________________

 Although the negative impacts of fossil fuel have been gone over with a fine tooth comb, and it has become a bit disingenuous to lambaste them, as we all are reliant on them and do little to cut that dependence, I do like the general idea/metaphor here (it is reminiscent of King Aurthur's being connected to the land of England, and as he went, so went the land). So even though a bit hyperbolic as the earth cannot contract anything remotely similar to malaria, it is still a nice idea. It is however the execution that appears to suffer. There are many grammatical errors. The use of enjambment where it really has no right, ad hoc lineation and incidental end rhyme that seem to benefit the poem to no degree, as well as no discernible rhythmic pattern. So while the idea is certainly a workable, even a good one, much work is needed to justify whatever form or formlessness is put around it. Even in free verse there is form. I think the piece could benefit from a martial rhythmic pattern similar to what Whitman did in the battle descriptions in "Leaves of Grass"; as the writer is describing war is he not? Humanity's war on the earth, the parasites war on man. Both thinking it can kill off the host and continue on. Nice irony there. Anyway, good luck with this. Look forward to future revisions.

Best,

dale

[Apache]

I wrote a crit earlier, but you didn't find it 'constructive' enough, so I replaced it with the version above.
The image you're trying to create is undermined by factual inaccuracy and glaringly false analogies.

On the other hand, some of the lines read quite well, so you've certainly got a knack for writing.

Wait, what other crit? When I look at the thread I only see my two posts before yours ... am I missing something? 

Anyway, thank you for your feedback. I don't agree with a lot of what you've said (of course oil isn't ACTUALLY dinosaur's blood, the language is pretty blatantly figurative), but you've still given me some good suggestions to think about.

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Thank you for your feedback, Erthona! There are a couple of things I want to comment on/ask about specifically:

Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth of prehistoric heartbeats melts the ice to water palm trees. (Use enjambment judiciously) Is this a sentence? What is pumped? Pumped is the verb, but there is no subject, following pumped is a dependent clause. 

The subject is "the warm of prehistoric heartbeats". Maybe the meaning isn't entirely clear, but strictly speaking it is grammatically correct.

Larva plump like rice in stagnant swamps. (Dependent clause. No verb in this one. "Larva was/is plump...")

Plump IS a verb. Or, rather, plump can be used as a verb, adjective, noun, OR adverb, depending on the context.  As a verb, "plump" means "to grow plump". I think it works very well in this context, but if you disagree I'll consider changing it. 

The siren clout of dino-blood's (dino's-blood's, personally I'd write the word out, the poem gains nothing from the abbreviated "dino", calls to mind the "Flintstones" ) temptation draws them from the tropics. (Again ad hoc use of enjambment. I'm sorry but this whole line is just awkwardly said. If the writer is meaning to say that the burning of fossil fuels is warming the environment and causing the mosquitoes that carry malaria to move beyond their normal range, it is not very clear, nor very elegant. I think it starts with "siren clout" which should be "siren's clout", but either way it is a clumsy usage. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but it just is and another needs to be found. I can appreciate trying to avoid cliche, but "siren's draw" would be better than "clout". Plus with "blood" being so close it is easy to think of "clot".) 

Well, to be fair, I used clout specifically because of the similarity with clot to keep the whole blood metaphor consistent throughout. But your other comments are well put. You are correct about what the attempted meaning of the phrase was. I'll fiddle with this more to make it more apparent.

Led astray, bearing minuscule conquistadors: protozoans wave their whip-like flags and pray in chapels made of chitin. I had to read this line several times before I understood the meaning. I think a better word than bearing is in order, maybe "infected by". In this situation "Bearing" is to ambiguous, and this is a place one does not want to be ambiguous, although I do like the image "minuscule conquistadors". Don't really get the reference to the "chapel of chitin". That doesn't really seem to fit what is being said.

Well, mosquitoes are made of chitin (or, rather, their exoskeletons are). So chapel of chitin is just referring to them being inside the mosquitoes, and chapels is just trying to emphasize the conquistador analogy, as they were so heavily motivated by religion. 

as well as no discernible rhythmic pattern. So while the idea is certainly a workable, even a good one, much work is needed to justify whatever form or formlessness is put around it. Even in free verse there is form. I think the piece could benefit from a martial rhythmic pattern similar to what Whitman did in the battle descriptions in "Leaves of Grass"; as the writer is describing war is he not? Humanity's war on the earth, the parasites war on man. Both thinking it can kill off the host and continue on. Nice irony there. Anyway, good luck with this. Look forward to future revisions. 

I appreciate all of your feedback, it was very helpful. But I am a bit confused by your comment that there is no discernible rhythmic pattern, and your description of this as "free verse." While there are a couple of times I stray from the main rhythm, the poem is written in a pretty consistent meter. In fact, some of the enjambment you dislike is primarily a result of the attempt to maintain that metric pattern. So I don't really know how to take that piece of your advice.

While we are on the subject, could you be more specific about WHY you dislike the enjambment I've used? Do you think it's distracting? Awkward/Forced? Do you dislike every instance of it in this poem, or only some of them?

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Anyway, thank you! A lot of great comments by both of you. I'll work on a revision and post it.

(Side note: why does it still say "Threads: 1" under my user information? This is my second thread!)

[Erthona]

Are mosquitoes made of chitin? They never seemed so when I squeezed them. Seemed kind of mushy, but I'm sure you are correct. So, nice image if a person is not ignorant of mosquitoes being made of chitin. 


" Larva plump like rice" You are missing a verb. You are using plump like fat, not like "plump" a pillow. So "Larva fat like rice. If you said "The Larva plumped the rice" you would be using it as a verb. What action is "plump" doing and to whom? 


Well there is some iambic, then there is some trochee, then...  If you say you used the enjambment to make the meter work by definition that is forced. I disliked it as it didn't really seem to do much other than say "look here - enjambment". I do not see that it moves the poem along contextually, rhythmically, or any other way. But back to the meter. milo would be better at me than this. I abhor scanning lines but, into the night...or is it into the storm (unfortunately not Sue).
 
The dark and o-ily blood of din-o-saurs
co-ag-u-lates re-mote in des-ert bores
 
suck-led by the gnat-tish maws of plat-forms.
Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth  (off rhyme, barely, but I like it)
 
of pre-hi-stor-ic heart-beats melts the ice 
to water palm trees. Larva plump like rice
 
in stag-nant swamps. Mos-quit-oes, long and thin,
shake the air off of their wings in ec-sta-sy.    (no rhyme)
 
The si-ren clout of din-o-blood's temp-ta-tio-n
draws them from the trop-ics. Led a-stray,  (no rhyme)
 
bear-ing min-us-cule con-quis-ta-dors:
pro-to-zo-ans wave their whip-like flags   (no rhyme)
 
and pray in chap-els made of chit-in.
Ma-rooned where prey is bit-ten
 
by the in-sect's thirst-y dril-ling,
his-to-ry re-peats
 
in min-i-a-ture.  (could be a rhyme with conquistadors, but it is very far a part, but I have been known to do the same.)  
 

Apache wrote: "While there are a couple of times I stray from the main rhythm, the poem is written in a pretty consistent meter."

Nope, don't see it. Although I will admit to there being more rhythmic phrases than I originally thought. However the lack of consistency and the fact that in many cases the patterns are disruptive rather than  energetically moving the piece along  kind of puts the whole rhythm thing in the negative I'm afraid. I'm sure my scanning isn't the best, but it is adequate. There is the rule of three, where when there are three unstressed syllables the middle one gets stressed, however that applies when there is some consistent iambic and that is not occurring here. However, you could ask milo, he is our resident expert on meter, he might scan this different. I am always happy to be wrong.   



Still, I think there are some things you might want to learn about because you obviously have some good ideas, it would be a shame to spoil them from lack of skill. Skill can be learned, talent you've either got or you do not.
I had a friend named Duncan Brown, a virtuoso in terms of skill on the trumpet, unfortunately he had no soul, so although he played note perfect, it was the most bland and unexciting music I have ever heard.


Best,


Dale

[Apache]

Thank you for giving such detailed feedback! Given me a lot to think about as I rewrite this. 

" Larva plump like rice" You are missing a verb. You are using plump like fat, not like "plump" a pillow. So "Larva fat like rice. If you said "The Larva plumped the rice" you would be using it as a verb. What action is "plump" doing and to whom?  

Actually, the mistake is that I wrote "Larva" instead of "LarvAE", which is plural. I meant for plump to be the verb in the present tense; meaning "to grow plump". Meaning that "Larvae grow plump like rice". When larva is made plural, the line is grammatically correct. 

Well there is some iambic, then there is some trochee, then...

Well, there are alternating couplets. A couplet in iambic pentameter with end rhymes, followed by a couplet in trochaic pentameter without end rhymes. Admittedly, this was a pretty arbitrary structure; I usually write in free verse, this began mostly as an experiment in using and alternating between meters. 

  If you say you used the enjambment to make the meter work by definition that is forced. I disliked it as it didn't really seem to do much other than say "look here - enjambment". I do not see that it moves the poem along contextually, rhythmically, or any other way.

You make a good point. The metric structure I imposed was pretty arbitrary and there was no connection between that and the theme/imagery of the poem. As I said above, this was meant as an experiment in using metric structure, but I will try to rework it to make the meter integrate into the poem more.

 

The dark and o-ily blood of din-o-saurs
co-ag-u-lates re-mote in des-ert bores
 
suck-led by the gnat-tish maws of plat-forms.
Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth  (off rhyme, barely, but I like it)

I didn't even instead for an off-rhyme in that second couplet, actually. It was meant to be unrhymed completely. 
 

The si-ren clout of din-o-blood's temp-ta-tio-n
draws them from the trop-ics. Led a-stray,  (no rhyme)

Actually, "stray" rhymes with the second syllable in "temptation," which (at least in American English) is pronounced "tay".  

Nope, don't see it. Although I will admit to there being more rhythmic phrases than I originally thought. However the lack of consistency and the fact that in many cases the patterns are disruptive rather than  energetically moving the piece along  kind of puts the whole rhythm thing in the negative I'm afraid. I'm sure my scanning isn't the best, but it is adequate. There is the rule of three, where when there are three unstressed syllables the middle one gets stressed, however that applies when there is some consistent iambic and that is not occurring here. However, you could ask milo, he is our resident expert on meter, he might scan this different. I am always happy to be wrong.   

Fair enough on your point that the patterns are disruptive. I'll work on that.