The Siege (rev 2)

[Apache]

Revision 2 (addition italicized)

Bound by right-angles,
hydrangeas blind the window-frame
to the bitter clot of light

over wrought iron chairs 
perched like insects 
beneath constellations
of coffee stains.
The dark circles 
around a barista's eye
a stubborn parapet
against the red eyed frenzy
of the night fast

imploding
in steam and speed.
Beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle walls.

Revision 1:

Bound by right-angles,
hydrangeas blind the window-frame
to the bitter clot of light

over wrought iron chairs 
perched like insects 
beneath constellations
of coffee stains.
The red eyed frenzy
of the night fast

imploding
in steam and speed:
beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle walls.

Original:

Right-angled
hydrangeas blind
the windowframe

to the bitter
rotten clot
of light

over wrought
iron chairs perched
like insects

beneath
constellations
of coffee stains

while the red
eyed frenzy
of the night fast

implodes
in steam and speed:
beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle
walls.

[Emz]

"The Siege"

Right-angled hydrangeas 
blind the window-frame (added hyphen, different line lengths and closed gap between 1st and 2nd stanza) 
to the bitter rotten clot of light

[over wrought iron chairs 
perched like insects 
beneath constellations
of coffee stains
while the red eyed frenzy
of the night fast

implodes
in steam and speed:
beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle walls.] (Different line breaks and line lengths)

Hi there Apache,

I quite like what you're shooting for here. I have a couple of small suggestions above.

My only complaint would be, because of my own ignorance I guess, I had to stop to look up two words (hydrangeas and beleaguered) which is quite distracting. I'm not afraid to admit that I am probably not as educated as most of the poets here (something that I am working on). I only pointed this out because it's something to consider whether or not you wish to make the language more accessible. I could argue both ways, since poetry is meant to be, well, poetic. But there's a small trade-off to be made when deciding what audience you're writing for. I wonder what others think about this? 

Emma

[Apache]

Thanks for your suggestions, Emma! I quite like the different line break/lengths you suggested. I am going to hold off on an edit until/unless some more people post their critiques, but provisionally speaking I think I will structure it the way you suggest! It does seem a little more natural.

As for word choice, I actually agree with you that in general I prefer accessible language in poems. I can find it distracting when a poet fills up lines with a lot of stuffy complex vocab to show off their intelligence (although, admittedly, there are some who are just geniuses that manage to pull it off, like John Ashbery). In any case, I am not particularly attached to the word "hydrangeas". The main reason I used that is because I wrote this in a coffee shop that happened to have hydrangeas in the windows (my undergraduate degree was in biology, which is why I'm the type of nerd who can identify flowers). So it was partly a simple matter of that is what I was looking at; really any decorative flower would do in terms of the meaning of the poem. Do you have any other suggestions for a type of flower I could plug in there that would work better than hydrangeas?

As for "beleaguered", while I am open to suggestions I am a bit attached to that word, even at the cost of accessibility to some readers. I think "beleaguered" really captures the tone of what I am going for better than any synonym I can think of immediately. I feel like the word has nice connotations of fatigue and a sense of inevitability; when I hear the word beleaguered I think of people that are almost shell-shocked just going through their motions mechanically. Also, there's the nice assonance with "steam and speed" that I'd be loathe to give up. But I am still open to suggestions for a change if you have anything.

In any case, thank you so much for spending the time to read and comment!

[ellajam]

Hi, Apache, welcome to the Pen, thanks for the critiques you've given others.

Well, that's one long run-on sentence you've got there. Even though it seems grammatically correct personally I'd like a break in there. Some notes below.

"The Siege"

Right-angled
hydrangeas blind
the windowframe
I've never seen right-angled hydrangeas and it's awkward for me to imagine. I also can't see them crossing the window at a right angle. In fact, I don't need L1 at all, L2-3 is beautiful, blind being used in an interesting way.  

to the bitter
rotten clot
of light
I'm not sure why the light is bitter or rotten but one would be enough.

over wrought I love this break.
iron chairs perched
like insects Strong image.


beneath
constellations
of coffee stains
I had pictured the insect-like chairs visible through the table, now I'm thrown off by the solid surface. Still, a good, interesting image.

while the red
eyed frenzy
of the night fast
I don't get "night fast". Night past would bring me to morning.

implodes
in steam and speed:
beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle
walls.
No problem with the word beleaguered but I don't get the last six lines at all. In fact, I don't get the siege, either I am missing something that's there or it's not there, I'm lost.

I hope some of my notes help.

[Apache]

Thanks ellajam! Your notes are quite welcome and helpful. Given me some good things to think about. I think a solid break after the fourth stanza would break up the run-on sentence. I have a hard time finding a way to rewrite the first four stanzas in separate sentences that I like the sound of.

1) I think you are correct about "right-angled". I believe the right-angled should really be referring to the window-frame, so I should find a way to restructure those lines perhaps (or just drop right-angled entirely). The only reason I kind of like "right-angled hydrangeas" is the contrast between "ang" with a hard G followed by the "ang" with a soft G. But maybe I should just get rid of that.

2) I see what you mean about "bitter rotten". For some reason I just like the sound of those two words together in succession. I will probably lose "rotten".

3) "Night fast" is a pun. Might be a little too esoteric, though. The scene is of a cafe in the morning, so people are getting breakfast and coffee. The origin of the word "breakfast" is literally "break fast", or to break the nightly fast (because you aren't eating when you're sleeping). So the phrase (removing breaks): ""the red-eyed frenzy of the night fast implodes in steam and speed" is referring to the frenzy of getting your morning fix of joe after going without it for so long. Though I'm glad you made me think about it more, because now that I re-read the line the tenses don't make a whole lot of sense. I could change "implodes" to "imploding", which would make more sense, or I could restructure the whole sentence. Any ideas?

4) Fair enough about the last few lines. I could find a way to make the metaphor more clear. The metaphor I am trying to communicate is the idea of the baristas as soldiers under siege. Just an observation from seeing how beleaguered they look behind the counter during the morning rush of people trying to get their breakfast and coffee and such. And there is a nice visual similarity between brewing coffee and boiling oil, a common defensive technique for sieges. Any suggestions for how to make that more clear? I rather like the way I have it phrased, but maybe another stanza in there somewhere to make the connection more explicit?

Thanks again for reading and making suggestions! I'll post an edited version of the poem later this weekend (I'm about to leave to catch a flight, so the next day or two I'll probably be too jet-lagged for this! )

[Apache]

Posted a revision. Taking Emz advice and some of ellajam's advice into mind. 

I'm still not sure about the first-line. I changed it now to "Bound by right-angles". I like the "angles / hydrangeas" bit, because of the alternating ANG/ANJ sounds, although I'm afraid it might not add enough to the poem to justify keeping it. I also changed "implodes" to "imploding", which makes more sense the way that sentence is structured, even if I think "implodes" sounds a bit better.

What do people think? Do people agree with ellajam that the end analogy is too obscure?

[ellajam]

I think the edit works beautifully. Some notes below.

Revision 1:

Bound by right-angles,
hydrangeas blind the window-frame
to the bitter clot of light
L1 makes perfect sense now and the image is clear. I like the light moved up.

over wrought iron chairs
perched like insects
beneath constellations
of coffee stains. Again, a much clearer image for me.
The red eyed frenzy
of the night fast

imploding
in steam and speed:
beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle walls.
Sorry, it still doesn't lead me here, maybe if the title already had me thinking barista, but as is, still nothing.

Original:

Right-angled
hydrangeas blind
the windowframe

to the bitter
rotten clot
of light

over wrought
iron chairs perched
like insects

beneath
constellations
of coffee stains

while the red
eyed frenzy
of the night fast

implodes
in steam and speed:
beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle
walls.

I'm looking forward to hearing if others can get the ending. Nice work here.

[Apache]

Thanks!

I think the solution is to either change the title, or put a couple of lines in between "...constellations of coffee stains" and "the red eyed frenzy...", to make the barista connection a bit more explicit. I can't think of another place in the poem where it would fit without a pretty thorough rewrite. I'll have to think about this and see if I can think of something.

---

Added a second revision. I think the added part feels a bit clumsy at the moment, personally, but I was wondering if people liked the direction I took it in, per ellajam's advice. The barista is mentioned explicitly, and I think there is a nice visual simile by moving from talking about the coffee stains on the tables with the dark circles under the barista's eyes (to imply they are tired/stressed). I'm not sure if the "stubborn parapet" may be overdoing it, though? The grammatical structure of the second half is a bit hazier, now, too. What do people think?