The Destination

[REW]

Revision of Revision #3


Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
I find my way home:
delighted in ovals, lost circles,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.


Revision of Revision #2

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
You guide me
against waves and
illuminate fog so that I
may find my way.

Delighted in ovals, lost circles
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear
is where I am home.


Revision of Revision #1

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
Your lighthouse over a craggy cliff
guides my ship against choppy waves,
pierces opaque fog so that I
may dock in our harbor, home
to gaze into your colorful kaleidoscope
lost in a circle, delighted in an oval,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.



Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

Slight Tweaking of the Original (One I am most happy with)

Under the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

[dukealien]

1. Through the arch of a brow
   
2. is a world of geometry:
   
3. in the heated expanding center
   
4. passions,
   
5. in the pigmented light
   
6. a soul,
   
7. in the focus
   
8. intellectual curiosity,
   
9. the beam
   
10. love warm and illuminating.
    
    
11. A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
    
12. guides a ship to dock in the harbor
    
13. and I am home.
    

A very good, comfortable poem which clearly expresses its sentiment.  After an appreciative cople of reads through, a few thoughts:

L1-2 - Some of your most striking lines, but might be improved.  The beloved's eye is geometrically *in* the arch of brow; you have its welcoming beam described - which would work with "through" - but it's several lines later.    But you use "in" as the starting point of your following descriptions, so it would be over-used here.  It's a puzzle, perhaps with no better solution.

L11 - [L]ighthouse on a craggy cliff - a good image, but a scale and orientation change from the previous initimate geometry of the beloved's eye.  Is the craggy cliff rough-hewn cheekbone or shoulder?  I don't quite see it.

General thought:  consider replacing "the," "a" and the like with descriptive words, or with nothing.  Pardon the rewrite, but "Through arch of brow/worlds of geometry beckon?"  Try removing them all, see how it reads, and re-install only those that are needed for sense or sound.

And finally, the title.  To me, a journey is a round trip, or at least the whole of the passage from starting to ending point.  Here you only discuss returning home (though it could also be a voyage of discovery, with the discovered signaled harbor sought, yet found unexpectedly).  Either way, the whole poem is arrival rather than journey as a whole.  A nit-pick, no more.

Please don't take the above as too harsh - I think your poem does everything you meant it to, and does it well.  It could, perhaps, do it even better.

[REW]

1. Through the arch of a brow
   
2. is a world of geometry:
   
3. in the heated expanding center
   
4. passions,
   
5. in the pigmented light
   
6. a soul,
   
7. in the focus
   
8. intellectual curiosity,
   
9. the beam
   
10. love warm and illuminating.
    
    
11. A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
    
12. guides a ship to dock in the harbor
    
13. and I am home.
    

A very good, comfortable poem which clearly expresses its sentiment.  After an appreciative cople of reads through, a few thoughts:

L1-2 - Some of your most striking lines, but might be improved.  The beloved's eye is geometrically *in* the arch of brow; you have its welcoming beam described - which would work with "through" - but it's several lines later.    But you use "in" as the starting point of your following descriptions, so it would be over-used here.  It's a puzzle, perhaps with no better solution.

L11 - [L]ighthouse on a craggy cliff - a good image, but a scale and orientation change from the previous initimate geometry of the beloved's eye.  Is the craggy cliff rough-hewn cheekbone or shoulder?  I don't quite see it.

General thought:  consider replacing "the," "a" and the like with descriptive words, or with nothing.  Pardon the rewrite, but "Through arch of brow/worlds of geometry beckon?"  Try removing them all, see how it reads, and re-install only those that are needed for sense or sound.

And finally, the title.  To me, a journey is a round trip, or at least the whole of the passage from starting to ending point.  Here you only discuss returning home (though it could also be a voyage of discovery, with the discovered signaled harbor sought, yet found unexpectedly).  Either way, the whole poem is arrival rather than journey as a whole.  A nit-pick, no more.

Please don't take the above as too harsh - I think your poem does everything you meant it to, and does it well.  It could, perhaps, do it even better.

The criticism isn't too harsh at all.  I appreciate the feedback.  I have a couple of thoughts for edits, but I am in the middle of painting.  The craggy cliff/sea voyage was meant to be a metaphor for life and the nasties, but home is with the person.  I wasn't making a metaphor for the face or cheeks...and well that could be an issue.  

This was originally called, A Deep Journey; however, I was concerned over cheese factor.  But yes duke alien I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Thank you.

[Apache]

Revision

Under arch of brow
a world of geometry beckons:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

I personally think a better way to write the first two lines is a compromise of your two versions:
Under the arch of the brow
is a world of geometry.

To my ears, that sounds a little better than either of the edits you have. But, of course, this is getting into personal preference.

As for the lighthouse metaphor, I too thought that the craggy cliff was a reference to the body. In this case, I was connecting it back to the first two lines and thinking the eyebrow was the craggy cliff. If you don't want to go that route, and use the lighthouse as a metaphor for getting through the tough times in life instead of a reference to the body, I'd consider replacing the craggy cliff and instead use a reference to stormy weather or fog. That, I think, would more clearly communicate the idea of rough times in life that you are being guided through by your beloved.

[Achebe]

The only geometry I could discern were "centre" and "focus".
For the second line to ring true, you might want to add a few more geometrical allusions in the body of the poem.

[REW]

1. Through the arch of a brow
   
2. is a world of geometry:
   
3. in the heated expanding center
   
4. passions,
   
5. in the pigmented light
   
6. a soul,
   
7. in the focus
   
8. intellectual curiosity,
   
9. the beam
   
10. love warm and illuminating.
    
    
11. A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
    
12. guides a ship to dock in the harbor
    
13. and I am home.
    

A very good, comfortable poem which clearly expresses its sentiment.  After an appreciative cople of reads through, a few thoughts:

L1-2 - Some of your most striking lines, but might be improved.  The beloved's eye is geometrically *in* the arch of brow; you have its welcoming beam described - which would work with "through" - but it's several lines later.    But you use "in" as the starting point of your following descriptions, so it would be over-used here.  It's a puzzle, perhaps with no better solution.

L11 - [L]ighthouse on a craggy cliff - a good image, but a scale and orientation change from the previous initimate geometry of the beloved's eye.  Is the craggy cliff rough-hewn cheekbone or shoulder?  I don't quite see it.

General thought:  consider replacing "the," "a" and the like with descriptive words, or with nothing.  Pardon the rewrite, but "Through arch of brow/worlds of geometry beckon?"  Try removing them all, see how it reads, and re-install only those that are needed for sense or sound.

And finally, the title.  To me, a journey is a round trip, or at least the whole of the passage from starting to ending point.  Here you only discuss returning home (though it could also be a voyage of discovery, with the discovered signaled harbor sought, yet found unexpectedly).  Either way, the whole poem is arrival rather than journey as a whole.  A nit-pick, no more.

Please don't take the above as too harsh - I think your poem does everything you meant it to, and does it well.  It could, perhaps, do it even better.

The criticism isn't too harsh at all.  I appreciate the feedback.  I have a couple of thoughts for edits, but I am in the middle of painting.  The craggy cliff/sea voyage was meant to be a metaphor for life and the nasties, but home is with the person.  I wasn't making a metaphor for the face or cheeks...and well that could be an issue.  

This was originally called, A Deep Journey; however, I was concerned over cheese factor.  But yes duke alien I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Thank you.

Revision

Under arch of brow
a world of geometry beckons:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

I personally think a better way to write the first two lines is a compromise of your two versions:
Under the arch of the brow
is a world of geometry.

To my ears, that sounds a little better than either of the edits you have. But, of course, this is getting into personal preference.

As for the lighthouse metaphor, I too thought that the craggy cliff was a reference to the body. In this case, I was connecting it back to the first two lines and thinking the eyebrow was the craggy cliff. If you don't want to go that route, and use the lighthouse as a metaphor for getting through the tough times in life instead of a reference to the body, I'd consider replacing the craggy cliff and instead use a reference to stormy weather or fog. That, I think, would more clearly communicate the idea of rough times in life that you are being guided through by your beloved.

Thank you for your feedback Apache.  I am going to let your remarks settle a bit and then do some tweaking to this.  Thanks.

---

The only geometry I could discern were "centre" and "focus".
For the second line to ring true, you might want to add a few more geometrical allusions in the body of the poem.

I know I didn't spell out much geometry.  I thought about that...the circle of the iris, the crescent, oval, and etc.  I kind of felt like the reader knows and if I started writing all of that it would be sort of overkill and then for a lack of better word, then the whole thing would start sounding weird.  I will think about that though and see if I can't skillfully weave something in there.  Thanks ronsaik, duly noted.

---

So I made some pretty major changes and am curious to know if those changes were for the better, or if I managed to destroy it. ???

[mlund]

Revision of Revision

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
Your lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides my ship against choppy waves
pierces opaque fog so that I
may dock in our harbor, home
to gaze into your colored kaleidoscope.
lost in a circle, delighted in an oval,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.



Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

I really like what you are trying to do here, but it does not really flow well together. Try focusing on one metaphor instead of the two or three you have. Ex. write the poem using allusions to how the lighthouse is your beacon for where you are going to, pulling you out of where you have been. Or instead use the kaleidoscope, saying the colors the lighthouse shines represent different things in your eyes and the geometry is whomever you are speaking of. Trying to mix the two ideas together becomes confusing and wordy, but I like the idea!

[REW]

Revision of Revision

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
Your lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides my ship against choppy waves
pierces opaque fog so that I
may dock in our harbor, home
to gaze into your colored kaleidoscope.
lost in a circle, delighted in an oval,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.



Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

I really like what you are trying to do here, but it does not really flow well together. Try focusing on one metaphor instead of the two or three you have. Ex. write the poem using allusions to how the lighthouse is your beacon for where you are going to, pulling you out of where you have been. Or instead use the kaleidoscope, saying the colors the lighthouse shines represent different things in your eyes and the geometry is whomever you are speaking of. Trying to mix the two ideas together becomes confusing and wordy, but I like the idea!

Thank you for your feedback.  I ended up with what I think is a final revision.  Ultimately, I think I am happiest with just a light tweaking of the original for the sake of the spontaneity it originally had.  I tend to struggle with revisions...

[milo]

Hello and welcome to the pen

Revision of Revision #3


Under the arch of brow

unless "the arch of brow" is a famous arch (in which case it should be capitalized) this is just a pretentious way of saying "under the brow's arch".

is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,

"is a world of geometry" is good
"within the heated expanding center passions" is overmodified crap. It barely reads like English anymore.

through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.

So, all the prepositions throughout here lend a clumsy, clunky, wandering to the piece. Within - through - in - there needs to be a focus.
"Pigmented" is an odd modifier in that it adds absolutely no clarity to your noun.  What does pigmented light look like?  Haven't a clue.
You have abandoned all the rules of English grammar throughout here which I have been told is ok in poetry, but to what purpose? If you are writing in English, I would like to be able to parse the meaning in English as well.  A verb would be nice as a starter.

 
You guide me so that I
may find my way home:
delighted in ovals, lost circles,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.

you don't need both "so" and "that", either will do.
"ever" adds nothing.

Overall, it feels rough.  The geometry metaphor is both strong and interesting.

Thanks for posting.
Good luck

[REW]

Hello and welcome to the pen

Revision of Revision #3


Under the arch of brow

unless "the arch of brow" is a famous arch (in which case it should be capitalized) this is just a pretentious way of saying "under the brow's arch".

is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,

"is a world of geometry" is good
"within the heated expanding center passions" is overmodified crap. It barely reads like English anymore.

through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.

So, all the prepositions throughout here lend a clumsy, clunky, wandering to the piece. Within - through - in - there needs to be a focus.
"Pigmented" is an odd modifier in that it adds absolutely no clarity to your noun.  What does pigmented light look like?  Haven't a clue.
You have abandoned all the rules of English grammar throughout here which I have been told is ok in poetry, but to what purpose? If you are writing in English, I would like to be able to parse the meaning in English as well.  A verb would be nice as a starter.

 
You guide me so that I
may find my way home:
delighted in ovals, lost circles,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.

you don't need both "so" and "that", either will do.
"ever" adds nothing.

Overall, it feels rough.  The geometry metaphor is both strong and interesting.

Thanks for posting.
Good luck

Yes Milo I took out those empty words.  Thank you.  And I am going to give this one a rest now  and explore the site more until some inspiration strikes.

[Achebe]

the final version, in its brevity and succinctness, reads a lot better. good show.

[Reluctant Poet]

Revision of Revision #3


Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
I find my way home:
delighted in ovals, lost circles,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.


Revision of Revision #2

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
You guide me
against waves and
illuminate fog so that I
may find my way.

Delighted in ovals, lost circles
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear
is where I am home.


Revision of Revision #1

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
Your lighthouse over a craggy cliff
guides my ship against choppy waves,
pierces opaque fog so that I
may dock in our harbor, home
to gaze into your colorful kaleidoscope
lost in a circle, delighted in an oval,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.



Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

Slight Tweaking of the Original (One I am most happy with)

Under the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

A novice critique if I may

I enjoyed the verse very much and you had me until the last 3 lines all of a sudden I felt I was thrown from someplace warm and welcoming and into the sea.

[REW]

the final version, in its brevity and succinctness, reads a lot better. good show.

Thank you Achebe for looking.  It is good to know that you feel I have made some improvements.

---

Revision of Revision #3


Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
I find my way home:
delighted in ovals, lost circles,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.


Revision of Revision #2

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
You guide me
against waves and
illuminate fog so that I
may find my way.

Delighted in ovals, lost circles
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear
is where I am home.


Revision of Revision #1

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
Your lighthouse over a craggy cliff
guides my ship against choppy waves,
pierces opaque fog so that I
may dock in our harbor, home
to gaze into your colorful kaleidoscope
lost in a circle, delighted in an oval,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.



Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

Slight Tweaking of the Original (One I am most happy with)

Under the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

A novice critique if I may

I enjoyed the verse very much and you had me until the last 3 lines all of a sudden I felt I was thrown from someplace warm and welcoming and into the sea.

Oh thanks reluctant poet for reading.  I am assuming you are referring to my older version and not revision 3.  Yeah I can see how you felt plunked in the sea.  I appreciate you sharing your reaction.