EDIT 2: On Falling In

[QDeathstar]

edit 2:

Unending verdant fields and the twinkle of fireflies
spiral in orbit around a country cottage reflecting
the sun's rich amber on cedar siding at dusk
just before the atrophy of summer's afterglow.

Nebulae of green surround the silhouette
created by a rural cabin's eclipse
of the fading sun drifting
below summer's horizon.

Earthen tones accrete around
unnatural shape then collapse
into perpetual darkness.  

Light meets darkness
as form softens.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity

Poser:

A vast verdant field gathers flowers and butterflies
fluttering in orbit around a country cottage covered by wet
moss and charcoal colored cedar soaking up sunshine
radiated by the atrophy of summer's afterglow.

Nebulae of green surround the silhouette
created by a rural cabin's eclipse
of the fading sun drifting
below summer's horizon.

Earthen tones accrete around
unnatural shape then collapse
into perpetual darkness.  

Light meets darkness
as shapes soften.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity

OG:

Swirling green fields gather butterflies and flowers
forming a trail toward an old country cottage covered in green
moss and weathered cedar soaking up the sunshine
given by the last of summers warming rays.

Green grass chases the silhouette
of a country home's shadow
as the fading sun sets
below summers horizon.

Greenery surrounds walls
of a broken home
as sunlight recedes.

Earthen tones reach out to grasp
unnatural shapes falling into
perpetual darkness.  

Darkness meets light
as shapes soften.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity







/////////

I'm not sure this actually works as intended.

[Magpie]

The way that I'm reading it is as a kind of literary spaghettification as each stanza is gradually sucked into the singularity. It's an interesting idea that I think could work. However the clues as to what is happening also seem to be partly the faults of the poem, such as repetition. I know now afterwards why there is repetition in the poem but at the time it was quite distracting. I think you could lose some of the repetition and still convey the idea.

Swirling green fields gather butterflies and flowers
forming a trail toward an old country cottage covered in green - You could lose green here.
moss and weathered cedar soaking up the sunshine
given by the last of summers warming rays. - I like the length of this first stanza, you could consider losing 'the sunshine given by'

Green grass chases the silhouette - Don't need 'green' here again
of a country home's shadow
as the fading sun sets
below summers horizon. - could possibly lose 'summers' here and even possibly have 'the eventful horizon' which would tie in with the black hole metaphor

Greenery surrounds walls
of a broken home
as sunlight recedes.

Earthen tones reach out to grasp
unnatural shapes falling into
perpetual darkness.  

Darkness meets light
as shapes soften.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity

It is an interesting idea and it would be interesting to see you try and make it work.

Cheers for the read,
Mark

[QDeathstar]

Thanks for your comments, the green on the second line shouldn't be there and it will be fixed next edit...


I think that removing the summer from the second stanza might detract from what I'm trying do...

Thanks!

---

Originally, I had considered swapping the order of the stanzas...

[Achebe]

My discomfort is that there is no connection between the subject house and a singularity. Why not a hair salon and singularity? The choice of subject matter seems to be arbitrary.
The poem needs to work both visually and in its content.

[billy]

the poem's shape has me thinking there's a reason for it but i can't work it out. the repetitions didn't work for me. the poem after some readings felt as though the aim was the last line. i can't work out the connection. the title and black hole/sigularity work but i can go from start to finish without thinking i've missed some important.

Swirling green fields gather butterflies and flowers
forming a trail toward an old country cottage covered in green green here doesn't add anything good line break though i struggle with swirling forming a trail
moss and weathered cedar soaking up the sunshine
given by the last of summers warming rays.

Green grass chases the silhouette  more green?
of a country home's shadow  no need for [of]
as the fading sun sets
below summers horizon. [summers]?

Greenery surrounds walls more green
of a broken home
as sunlight recedes.

Earthen tones reach out to grasp
unnatural shapes falling into
perpetual darkness.  

Darkness meets light
as shapes soften.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity







/////////

I'm not sure this actually works as intended.

[QDeathstar]

I think the comments have been clarifying. I tried making an edit, but ehhhh not sure it's enough to continue.

A vast verdant field gathers flowers and butterflies
fluttering in orbit around a country cottage covered by wet
moss and charcoal colored cedar soaking up sunshine
radiated by the atrophy of summer's afterglow.

Nebulae of green surround the silhouette
created by a rural cabin's eclipse
of the fading sun drifting
below summer's horizon.

Earthen tones accrete around
unnatural shape then collapse
into perpetual darkness.

Light meets darkness
as shapes soften.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity

[billy]

the poem feels like it's trying to hard to be a poem.

while vast verdant has meaning. it feels opposite to an idyllic country scene that's going down the tube so to speak. while the [V's] are good the words have a feel of too much.
the [F's] on the other work better; are less discordant

the three [C's] again feel a bit too much.

no need of [created by] in the 2nd.

what would it be like if you went in the opposite direction and tried for less profound. i wish i could be of some help

[QDeathstar]

I did get that feeling while reading the poem, kinda sounded like a bunch of tubas tooting at the same time.... On the other hand that first stanza is really supposed to be over the top... you kinda strip away the layers of language as you drift down the poem.

[billy]

over the top can be good but it has to work, if want to use discord really mess up the meter, some discordant words exist, look them up and see if they can be used. at present it feels like it wants to be pretty. [only my opinion by the way which probably carries little weight

[QDeathstar]

Billy, I'm not quite sure what you are trying to say.

Am I being too discordant with vast verdant or "too pretty" and not discordant enough? also, you explain a bit more on "it feels opposite". It seems like a a large problem with the poem seems to be first stanza, so if I can fix that... Thanks.

[QDeathstar]

I wouldn't mind a few more critiques on this one


also, billy, if you could clarify yours, thanks.

[Jacob]

I think I get what you are trying to do, but, as others have noted, the poem starts off awkward and only partially recovers.
The piece is so imagistic i wonder why you insist on full sentences. Virtually nothing is happening, so why use so many verbs and conjunctions? It seems to me that the whole thing could be stripped down quite a bit and become a lot more effective.
Outside of the first stanza, a couple problem areas for me were the phrase “rural cabin” in the second stanza and the last line of stanza three, both seem out of place, the first a little trite, the second overly dramatic.
The big problem, though, is the first stanza. When I read it I was ready and willing to write off the whole rest of the poem, and I kind of did until I read a couple responses and saw what else was going on. It doesn’t sound over the top, it sounds bad. It sounds like you are trying too hard, it sounds overwrought to the extreme (some good phrases though, I like “radiated in the atrophy”). That effect fades as the poem progresses. As I said, I get what you are trying to do, and I like it, which is why I’m writing this, it seems like a worthwhile concept, there’s just got to be a better way to get the reduction-of-the-world-as-sun-sets effect without starting with bad poetry and transitioning to good.

[Wjames]

Edit:

A vast verdant field gathers flowers and butterflies I don't really like "a vast verdant field". I think the alliteration is a little forced. I do however, much prefer "verdant" to more repetition of green as in the OG; I would change vast if this was my poem.
fluttering in orbit around a country cottage covered by wet
moss and charcoal colored cedar soaking up sunshine I like the sound of this line.
radiated by the atrophy of summer's afterglow. "radiated by the atrophy" is a little too much for me.

Nebulae of green surround the silhouette 
created by a rural cabin's eclipse
of the fading sun drifting
below summer's horizon. I like this stanza - I can feel everything you show.

Earthen tones accrete around
unnatural shape then collapse
into perpetual darkness.  I can't picture this stanza.

Light meets darkness
as shapes soften.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity I don't really get the connection to the singularity.

I don't know much about the singularity, but I thought it was when computers could improve themselves or something - I couldn't connect it to this poem. I think you have some good images in there though. The title made me think it might be a love poem (I.e: Falling in love)

[QDeathstar]

A still working on that first stanza, I think this is a step foward, thanks for the comments above, and looking foward to comments below.

Unending verdant fields and the twinkle of fireflies
spiral in orbit around a country cottage reflecting
the sun's rich amber on cedar siding at dusk
just before the atrophy of summer's afterglow.

Nebulae of green surround the silhouette
created by a rural cabin's eclipse
of the fading sun drifting
below summer's horizon.

Earthen tones accrete around
unnatural shape then collapse
into perpetual darkness.

Light meets darkness
as form softens.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.

singularity

[QDeathstar]

Still looking for critiques or am I beating a dead horse?

[Magpie]

Although I definitely think it has moved on since the first draft, I don't think it quite captures exactly what you originally intended. Though to be honest, I'm not sure if I fully know your intentions, I get the implications and comparisons with a black hole and how the shape of the poem leads to your singularity. However there are parts that confuse me somewhat, but that may just be me.

Unending verdant fields and the twinkle of fireflies
spiral in orbit around a country cottage reflecting
the sun's rich amber on cedar siding at dusk
just before the atrophy of summer's afterglow. --- I do think that this first stanza is beautiful and I understand why it is so long, I just think that it's a tiny bit too long--- I struggle to say it all in one breath, a comma or two may help or even just some extreme condensing. eg "and twinkling fireflies" you could even lose "twinkle" altogether, it doesn't tell us anything we don't already know about "fireflies/stars" -- if they are stars??? If so then 'scintillation' would be more correct.

Nebulae of green surround the silhouette --- Would 'nebulous' be better here or do you actually mean more than several green nebula?
created by a rural cabin's eclipse
of the fading sun drifting
below summer's horizon. --- You already established that it's summer in the first stanza.

Earthen tones accrete around
unnatural shape then collapse
into perpetual darkness.  --- This is the stanza that confuses me the most, I'm left wondering what the 'unnatural shape' is? Is it the rural cabin? Or something else?

Light meets darkness
as form softens.

A Light
and a Dark. Darkness|
light.                        ---- Too many "light/dark" in these last two stanzas and although they seem to cancel each other out, which kind of makes sense heading towards a singularity, it also seems unnecessarily repetitive. Also this stanza messes up the shape of the poem which was perfect up until this point.

singularity --- Depending on how you do the previous stanza you may want to spell 'singularity' out as one letter per line, or is that a bit corny? not sure.

I do think it's a really difficult concept that you are trying to capture here, but I admire and appreciate how you are approaching it. The beginning seems more prose than poetry, although there's nothing wrong with beautifully written prose, I'm not sure if it's working here.

Cheers for the read,
Mark

[QDeathstar]

Thanks for the comments, they help, but you were able to make out most of it...

The stanza's all capture the same exact image, but just continuously condensed...


I thought about adding single lined stanza's in between the existing stanza's for the purpose of clarification but nothing seems to fit.

[Magpie]

Thanks for the comments, they help, but you were able to make out most of it...

The stanza's all capture the same exact image, but just continuously condensed...


I thought about adding single lined stanza's in between the existing stanza's for the purpose of clarification but nothing seems to fit.

I think I know that each stanza is the same image condensed only because I know the poem from its initial stage. It definitely comes across stronger in the first version, the most current version doesn't express this as clearly.

However the parts that let me know each stanza was the same image in the first version were the parts that spoilt it as a poem, especially the repetition. This seems to be the difficulty, to be able to show that each stanza is the same image without repeating the same keywords or related words. If you can manage to do this somehow then this could be the key to making it work. A different title could possibly help to point the reader in the right direction, even one of those Chinese-esque extremely long descriptive titles might work. In many ways a title can be just as important as the content of a poem and can sometimes make a poem complete.

There is an excellent post somewhere on this site about titling poems, if I can find it I'll post a link up here, it's very informative.

Cheers,
Mark

[aschueler]

I have had a bit of wine....
But I think you are tryng to make circles from lines

Or maybe a spiral. Yeats tried a spiral but quickly changed the subject.

Perhaps you could break into nontraditional word placements and use that.