The Clouds

[RiverNotch]

THE CLOUDS

I wonder if I've seen the world beyond
the clouds -- no, not the filled-in blanks between
our sun and all the other suns beyond,
but the blankness itself, the in-between....
what is the seeing? When I was a child,
I thought I saw it, or at least its reflection,
as I sat on the pew, the Lord's lost child
forced to see the light, or at least its reflection
in the preacher's eyes....what was the saying?
never look at the sun with your bare eyes?
When I saw you, I thought I forgot the saying,
until I remembered my faith -- my eyes
were already blank. You were just a dream
to me, of clouds, of stars, of in-betweens....

[Badatpoetry101]

THE CLOUDS

I wonder if I've seen the world beyond 1
the clouds -- no, not the filled-in blanks between 2
our sun and all the other suns beyond, 3
but the blankness itself, the in-between.... 4
what is the seeing? When I was a child, 5
I thought I saw it, or at least its reflection, 6
as I sat on the pew, the Lord's lost child 7
forced to see the light, or at least its reflection 8
in the preacher's eyes....what was the saying? 9
never look at the sun with your bare eyes? 10
When I saw you, I thought I forgot the saying, 11
until I remembered my faith -- my eyes 12
were already blank. You were just a dream 13
to me, of clouds, of stars, of in-betweens.... 14

Hello, I'll try my best. The Clouds, RiverNotch, feels very spoken word to me. Was that what you were going for? The reason I say this is because of the constant umm bombardment(?) of going back to the title/previous lines, the free verse style, suddenly becoming personal then going back to the theme. And it feels emotional(?); which emotion I am not very sure. Not to say that this is a good/bad thing just to say why I think this is spoken word-ish.

At times the language feels awkward. And the structure causes you to pause when it still feels fluid like their is no pause needed (1) Starting the second line with
"-- no, not,"
is perfectly acceptable and makes the poem fluid; as the break causes a pause at "beyond" (1).
"What is the seeing?" (5) Is not a phrase you encounter every day. Fully cognizant that it is meant as some sort of philosophical query. It just sounds weird to me reading it in my head. I am not sure if the repitition in (6) and (8) is intentional. In line (10) make sure that it is an actual saying/idiom/proverb otherwise the non-reference is lost since it doesn't exist. Line (11) I did not see coming. The whole philosphy-esque ranting to the wall feel of the poem I was having line (11) transported me under the covers in bed talking silently to myself. From (11) to (13) I become a lot more confused. In line (14) I do not think the trailing off is necessary.

I would suggest keeping the goal of the poem in mind. And writing with purpose i.e. how does this line contribute to the overarching theme/thesis/emotion that I am trying to convey. Writing what comes to mind is helpful as a very rough sketch. If someone is trying to decipher what you mean in a poem or are confused by it you did not convey yourself properly. I am not sure what the 'theme' of this poem is. I am unsure of what emotion you want me to feel. Keep in mind poetry is either written to evoke a certain emotion or express one (being reductive here but meh). Remember adding things like color help express your mood or the time of day/season.

I hope to see another draft of your poem. Ask yourself what it is you want your readers to feel write it down at the top so you don't lose focus. And don't just add phrases that sound cool, but might not make a lot of sense.

[RiverNotch]

THE CLOUDS

I wonder if I've seen the world beyond 1
the clouds -- no, not the filled-in blanks between 2
our sun and all the other suns beyond, 3
but the blankness itself, the in-between.... 4
what is the seeing? When I was a child, 5
I thought I saw it, or at least its reflection, 6
as I sat on the pew, the Lord's lost child 7
forced to see the light, or at least its reflection 8
in the preacher's eyes....what was the saying? 9
never look at the sun with your bare eyes? 10
When I saw you, I thought I forgot the saying, 11
until I remembered my faith -- my eyes 12
were already blank. You were just a dream 13
to me, of clouds, of stars, of in-betweens.... 14

Hello, I'll try my best. The Clouds, RiverNotch, feels very spoken word to me. Was that what you were going for? The reason I say this is because of the constant umm bombardment(?) of going back to the title/previous lines, the free verse style, suddenly becoming personal then going back to the theme. And it feels emotional(?); which emotion I am not very sure. Not to say that this is a good/bad thing just to say why I think this is spoken word-ish.

At times the language feels awkward. And the structure causes you to pause when it still feels fluid like their is no pause needed (1)  Starting the second line with
"-- no, not,"
is perfectly acceptable and makes the poem fluid; as the break causes a pause at "beyond" (1).
"What is the seeing?" (5) Is not a phrase you encounter every day. Fully cognizant that it is meant as some sort of philosophical query. It just sounds weird to me reading it in my head. I am not sure if the repitition in (6) and (8) is intentional. In line (10) make sure that it is an actual saying/idiom/proverb otherwise the non-reference is lost since it doesn't exist. Line (11) I did not see coming. The whole philosphy-esque ranting to the wall feel of the poem I was having line (11) transported me under the covers in bed talking silently to myself. From (11) to (13) I become a lot more confused. In line (14) I do not think the trailing off is necessary.

I would suggest keeping the goal of the poem in mind. And writing with purpose i.e. how does this line contribute to the overarching theme/thesis/emotion that I am trying to convey. Writing what comes to mind is helpful as a very rough sketch. If someone is trying to decipher what you mean in a poem or are confused by it you did not convey yourself properly. I am not sure what the 'theme' of this poem is. I am unsure of what emotion you want me to feel. Keep in mind poetry is either written to evoke a certain emotion or express one (being reductive here but meh). Remember adding things like color help express your mood or the time of day/season.

I hope to see another draft of your poem. Ask yourself what it is you want your readers to feel write it down at the top so you don't lose focus. And don't just add phrases that sound cool, but might not make a lot of sense.

Thanks for the feedback!

Yes, this is meant to be performed onstage, even if the form doesn't lend too well there -- I'm gonna append this with five more pieces (three of which, I've already posted here) to create that sense of story. [bit of silliness] But please don't ever use that term in front of me again -- I mean, I like hearing it, I like responding to it, I like playing with it, but I hate the confused ideas on poetry and prose that it seems to inspire to a lot of folks, "Spoken Word". There's prose, and there's poetry: that's it. To confuse one for the other, to consider one as on the level of the other, just because both are meant to be performed on stage, outside of purely functional considerations is, for me, plain stupid. I mean, yes, it is hard to distinguish between prose and poetry sometimes, but to create a bastard third pseudogenre (ooh, redundant) -- that's really, really lazy thinking. Now, someone challenge me on this; and better yet, someone actually tell me what "Spoken Word" is really meant to be, hehe-- [/bit of silliness]

Now, back to the response. I've been having that problem in my stuff for a while now, the feeling of emotion without any emotion, although, at the same time, I'm thinking it's not really a problem, especially since those stuff are meant to express that very same sense of stiltedness, of something almost, but not really, exploding: of, er, a dam being imagined to blow up, but not really. There are probably better ways of presenting that, though, but to go for that here, I think, would mean a complete rewrite, not only of the form, but also of the content, of the symbols used and whatever. And ultimately, though that would be more effective in expressing emotion, in expressing this poem's thought (but what is the distinction?), I think that would be, well, dishonest.

I don't think you noticed, but this is a sonnet. The odd line break for the first line is the big start for that, and the odd nature of the second line is meant to reinforce very slightly the image of the clouds, and to mirror the structure of the twelfth, the last line before the couplet. Plus, I like odd line breaks.

The repetition between 6 and 8 is intentional, but for now, I will consider switching it up, for the sake of making it seem less redundant -- notice that all the rhyming end-words, except for the imperfect rhyme of the couplet, are the same. That probably contributed to the stuck-up feeling of the poem you earlier noted.

Line 10: your mother never told you to not look directly at the sun? The mutation is for the sake of form: though the meter is inconsistent, the syllabication is limited to what would sound roughly pentametric, and the "bare eyes" end is the rhyme. I'll consider returning to something closer to the original, still.

I can't tell if your comment on line 11 is positive or not. May you clarify what "transported me under the covers in bed talking silently to myself" means?

Those last four lines are a bit of a problem for me, too. I'll think of a way to make the sentiment smoother (that is, of removing the "you"), although the return-to-theme should stay.

As for goal? Of course, I should let the poem speak for itself -- I'm not saying anything about that. But I will keep what you said in mind: especially with the last four lines, but partly also with the lines after the opening four, I may have lost track of myself, trying to be cool with the form and all. Again, thanks for the critique, and welcome to the Pig Pen!

[bit more silliness]Why is it called "The Pig Pen", by the way?[/bit more silliness]

[Badatpoetry101]

Ahhhh I see! So it is spoken word poetry. Maybe consider submitting an audio clip? I think then it would I would be more able to help you. consider sites like vocaroo or chirbit or soundcloud. If you don't like that idea I would suggest recording anyways, but only you yourself listen to the recording.

I never spent my free time staring at the sun o.o

[billy]

sonnets usually come in two parts, yours comes in one; there is no separation; no set up and no conclusion [volta] or shift.
the first five lines are of a sameness that wastes 4 lines. the rest has little or no substance. wish i could say more or be more constructive but i see nothing here that i can get to grips with. the repetition simply blew me away

THE CLOUDS

I wonder if I've seen the world beyond
the clouds -- no, not the filled-in blanks between
our sun and all the other suns beyond,
but the blankness itself, the in-between....
what is the seeing? When I was a child,
I thought I saw it, or at least its reflection,
as I sat on the pew, the Lord's lost child
forced to see the light, or at least its reflection
in the preacher's eyes....what was the saying?
never look at the sun with your bare eyes?
When I saw you, I thought I forgot the saying,
until I remembered my faith -- my eyes
were already blank. You were just a dream
to me, of clouds, of stars, of in-betweens....

[Achebe]

I couldn't figure out in the end what deep profundity you were being so obscure about.
The poem's problem is that everything in it is incomprehensible, starting with the absurd wondering about whether you've seen blankness as a reflection in a preacher's eyes. That for me smacks of a put-on Deepak Chopra meets St Augustine brand of fake philosophising ruining everything else in the poem even if the rest of it were rewritten by Dylan Thomas.