First ever poem, so all thoughts and suggestions are eagerly invited!
Do You Remember Me?
Do you remember me?
When our stars struck over the churning seas
We burst into a million little pieces,
Each a letter spelling our love,
Down to the water they rained
A lingering luminescence
So we lit the legend of you and me
When our stars struck above the churning seas
Do you remember me?
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
When I was the artist,
And you were my canvas,
Each kiss a new colour
In the palette of our existence
So we sketched the story of you and me
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
Do you remember me?
I remember you –
I do.
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Nov 2015
Firstly, I would like to commend you. For a first poem, this is quite good for a beginner (I should should know, for I am a beginner, and I write not half as well!). Particularly, you show an excellent command of meter (with a few exceptions to be sure), and quite an excellent knowledge of poetic. Before, I go line by line, I should to ask if you have ever thought to rhyme? Now this poem certainly does not require a rhyme scheme, and it would not better it if there was. But, perhaps, later poems may benefit from such a form.
- Do you remember me?
- When our stars struck over the churning seas
- We burst into a million little pieces,
- Each a letter spelling our love,
- Down to the water they rained
- A lingering luminescence
- So we lit the legend of you and me
- When our stars struck above the churning seas
-
- Do you remember me?
- When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
- When I was the artist,
- And you were my canvas,
- Each kiss a new colour
- In the palette of our existence
- So we sketched the story of you and me
- When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
-
- Do you remember me?
- I remember you –
- I do.
1. I must say, I quite enjoy your opening line. Erudite enough, with its lack of context, to pique one's interest, yet simple enough that I don't get lost.
6. At the end of this put a period or a colon or some sort of punctuation, for the next line is a new thought.
2-3:7-8. Good on the thematic assonance here. However, is there anyway you can repeat the exact same lines in 7-8 a you had in 2-3. This would lead the reader to an even better understanding of the importance of these lines.
10. Once again, I enjoy the stanzas opening line.
14-15: Excellent imagery. One can really see the color of the line (which is, I think, what you were going for). However, I would replace "in our" with "on our," though that is a personal preference of mine.
19-21. I understand that this is the ultimate "goal" of the poem (these three lines). But unfortunately, to the modern sensibility they are a bit saccharine. This is not to say that i don't enjoy them, but in our time where cynics are poets and publishers, and it seems the only objective of modern poetry (And may God forsake it!) is some feeble, and ultimately disgusting attempt at subversion, we must be aware of our audience (to the detriment, I think, of any real poetical thought.
Once again, I enjoy the poem, and I can't wait to see what you have in store
Posts: 21
Threads: 6
Joined: Oct 2015
(11-08-2015, 07:44 AM)hlaibo Wrote: First ever poem, so all thoughts and suggestions are eagerly invited!
Do You Remember Me?
Do you remember me?
When our stars struck over the churning seas
We burst into a million little pieces,
Each a letter spelling our love,
Down to the water they rained
A lingering luminescence
So we lit the legend of you and me
When our stars struck above the churning seas
Do you remember me?
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
When I was the artist,
And you were my canvas,
Each kiss a new colour
In the palette of our existence
So we sketched the story of you and me
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
Do you remember me?
I remember you –
I do.
I do like your second stanza a lot for a first written poem. I am thrown off by "stars" as its cliche and not indiviudal to you. I think the ending needs some work as it feels a bit abrupt. This style of poem might benefit from more lines and material.
-Clay
eclecticaffect
Unregistered
(11-08-2015, 07:44 AM)hlaibo Wrote: First ever poem, so all thoughts and suggestions are eagerly invited!
Do You Remember Me?
Do you remember me?
When our stars struck over the churning seas
We burst into a million little pieces,
Each a letter spelling our love,
Down to the water they rained
A lingering luminescence
So we lit the legend of you and me
When our stars struck above the churning seas
Do you remember me?
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
When I was the artist,
And you were my canvas,
Each kiss a new colour
In the palette of our existence
So we sketched the story of you and me
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
Do you remember me?
I remember you –
I do.
I have the tendency to imagine what I read. I applaud your first stanza because I made a music video in my head with it! 
My thoughts: Your 1st stanza starts out so strong and vivid. The first two lines in the 2nd stanza make a great transition, but the rest doesn't seem to hold the same strong emotions as the 1st. Or it belongs in another poem.
The ending is a bit abrupt for me, but that may be due to my modern sensibility as John1865 pointed out. 
Posts: 131
Threads: 33
Joined: Sep 2015
This is a great first poem. For one, its actually poetic. Theres no point in writing if you have nothing to say. You clearly had something to express and thats awesome.
A couple things:
Maybe ditch the title for something a bit more poetic and less repetitive. I'm having trouble envisioning the.entire.first stanza. I'm afraid the metaphor with stars just isnt as strong as intended, and as John said comes off a bit cliche, which in the end makes the poem weak. Believe me I've sat(for hours sometimes) trying to figure out a way to effectively compare the power and beauty of the universe to something/one in my life. Its really hard to do 
The 2nd stanza is nice in terms of effect. The "palette of existence" is a bit much, and I'd replace 'neath' with 'under.' This time you accurately used your metaphors but again, the whole 'painter-canvas' thing has been done a million times now. You're trying to be poetic with your expression, which i get, but sometimes its better to be direct than use the same, overused metaphors. Again, great first poem-- I'd love to see an edit of this.
Mike
reverentpain
Unregistered
(11-08-2015, 07:44 AM)hlaibo Wrote: First ever poem, so all thoughts and suggestions are eagerly invited!
Do You Remember Me?
Do you remember me?
When our stars struck over the churning seas
We burst into a million little pieces,
Each a letter spelling our love,
Down to the water they rained
A lingering luminescence
So we lit the legend of you and me
When our stars struck above the churning seas
Do you remember me?
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
When I was the artist,
And you were my canvas,
Each kiss a new colour
In the palette of our existence
So we sketched the story of you and me
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
Do you remember me?
I remember you –
I do.
In a lot of ways this poem spoke to me. To me, it feels like the poem is talking about a first love, years gone by, back when it was magical and perfect, before it fell apart, and even though years have gone by, the memory is still there.
I have difficulty giving feedback due to my incredibly limited experience with poetry. I'm hardly one to talk, as I'm sure my poetry needs a lot of work itself, however, I had some difficulty with the rhythm to it. I saw the pattern and understood it, but it felt a little stilted. When spoken out loud, it doesn't sound as deliberate as it looks on the screen. In my mind, poetry is written with the ideal that it should be read out loud. For some I'm sure that's true, for others, not so much.
That said, I really enjoyed this piece, it evoked some serious emotion in me, and made me wonder, do my previous significant others remember me? Did I have as much of an impact on them as they have on me? Seriously, keep writing. I look forward to reading more from you.
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2015
(11-08-2015, 07:44 AM)hlaibo Wrote: First ever poem, so all thoughts and suggestions are eagerly invited!
Do You Remember Me?
Do you remember me?
When our stars struck over the churning seas
We burst into a million little pieces,
Each a letter spelling our love,
Down to the water they rained
A lingering luminescence
So we lit the legend of you and me
When our stars struck above the churning seas
Do you remember me?
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
When I was the artist,
And you were my canvas,
Each kiss a new colour
In the palette of our existence
So we sketched the story of you and me
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
Do you remember me?
I remember you –
I do.
Love the repeating structure (Stanza 1: repetition of ' When our stars struck above the churning seas' and 'When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree' in Stanza 2). I feel like it ties the whole poem together.
Just a question- is the 'I do' (final line) meant to evoke memories of a marriage proposal? If I'm right in thinking as much, I must say this poem is very good, and plays out as a very romantic down-on-one-knee situation.
Bravo!
I enjoyed reading this 
Do You Remember Me?
like
Do you remember me?
When our stars struck over the churning seas
brilliantly lyrical
We burst into a million little pieces,
fabulously descriptive
Each a letter spelling our love,
why letters? where did they come from? I think... "each of our emotions scattered and scrambled" .. would flow better.
Down to the water they rained
mmmm not keen. needs more work depending on outcome of previous line.
A lingering luminescence
alliteration always a good thing
So we lit the legend of you and me
mm maybe a bit weak / cheesy. how about ... "incandescent were we, you and me"
When our stars struck above the churning seas
lovely
Do you remember me?
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
just perfectly soppy
When I was the artist,
And you were my canvas,
ew a bit cring! Feminists are gonna hate! how about....... "we took turns to be artist
both impressionable as paper"
Each kiss a new colour
shade?
In the palette of our existence
existance needs replacing as doesn't flow. maybe "union"
So we sketched the story of you and me
When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
Do you remember me?
I remember you –
I do.
very weak. who are they now to each other and why might they have forgot??
maybe....
Do you remember me?
My dear darling love.
Many aeons ago
when we we in the throws
of young love upon a dream
So it turns out there is a lot to this poetry stuff...
Thank you for all the critiques. It's good to see where the cringe in my writing all lies! I'll post up an edit after New Years
-S
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