Toyota

[aleexgold]

What was it about that day? Was it
the droplets that sat undisturbed 
on a silk windscreen before 
meandering, spiralling, gliding
past the stone-cold bonnet,
engine, brakes, callous sparks
of blinkers, tires infused with 
mud and gravel to the mellow ground
-concerte.

When he stared out to the sky
but saw only the ground streaked
with spit and cells now long gone,
water, acid, petrol like little neon
oceans, leaves turned to paper,
sand, dust and a greyscale motorway
on which cars crawl like pilgrims
to where buildings stand
-sentinel.

Why his fingers reached the steering
wheel? When his nerves were waves, 
drops of rain, induced to joules,
with battery of car, bus,
plane, a chopper hovering between
what's perceived as life and death
and his heart a windshield wiper,
motionless while it repeats
-arrhythmia.

Water washed out human sins
but not the sparks, 
electric, like broken atoms of
one's brain, head, mind and charge
of his own tongue tied deep
beneath the skin of broken cars,
once sent forwards with a driving force
that accelerated cities to where
earth met an infinite expanse called him
-ultraviolet.

[tectak]

Hi Alee and welcome. As this is in Serious I offer a line by line.
Best,
tectak

What was it about that day? Was itAlways problematic in poetry, that old rhetorical question which the writer then goes on to answer...in this case with another question which demands a question mark at the end. Which there is not.
the droplets that sat undisturbed 
on a silk windscreen before 
meandering, spiralling, gliding
past the stone-cold bonnet,Though "stone-cold"is what you meantit has been meant often and is going to elicit cries of cliche. There must be a better way. Way too much modification for a very uncomplicated image. I may have a problem with the relevence of the image as it relates to the peculiarity or otherwise of the day. The image IS pedestrian but as an observation it has merit unrequiring of the plethora of descriptors. In fact, I think that the overkill does not leave enough for the reader to muse on.
engine, brakes, callous sparks
of blinkers, tires infused with 
mud and gravel to the mellow groundI think you have possibly wandered off. These drops are going too far. What is a callous spark of blinkers. Three words but no real meaning in this cerebellum. Is a "spark" meant to be a collective noun for "blinkers"?
-concerte.

When he stared out to the sky
but saw only the ground streakedhow he do that?
with spit and cells now long gone,
water, acid, petrol like little neon
oceans,excellent leaves turned to paper,
sand, dust and a greyscale motorwayexcellent
on which cars crawl like pilgrims
to where buildings stand
-sentinel.

Why his fingers reached the steering
wheel? When his nerves were waves, 
drops of rain, induced to joules,Now dissolving in to self-indulgent grammatical slush of pseudo-scientific jargon. You need to look at this line and get your voice out. Read it LOUDLY and hear what you have written
with battery of car, bus,
plane, a chopper hovering between
what's perceived as life and deathditto
and his heart a windshield wiper,
motionless while it repeatsHow it do that?
-arrhythmia.

Water washed out human sins
but not the sparks, sparks again. Not a word worth hanging on, let alone repaeting UNLESS it is of great consequence. Is it?
electric, like broken atoms of
one's brain, head, mind and charge
of his own tongue tied deep
beneath the skin of broken cars,you are losing me...worse, you are losing you. Or one.
once sent forwards with a driving force
that accelerated cities to where
earth met an infinite expanse called him
-ultraviolet.

In the beginning all was looking good. Then it falls apart because you lose the backbone in the jollinessof the poetic high. This is not a disciplined write, but you could makeit so. My primary suggestion would be to spend some time with the meter running but the engine switched off. Grammar and grasp of subject matter...take that both ways.
Best,
tectak
This is me liking it

[aleexgold]

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm gonna rewrite this poem to get rid of some ambiguity and make the message/image a bit more clear and try to incorporate some sort of rhythm instead of just having it as a blank verse. While the poem is supposed to be quite open to interpretation and ambiguous I feel that I do get a bit too carried away at the end so I will work on that as well