Murder Scene

[kaxtar1]

Murder Scene
I heard the scream as it leapt for me.
The jaguar from the gullet of a young
woman leapt at me in leopard skin with a tan
forest behind it.  I did not hear the knife
as it parted her breast bone from her body.
I did not see the lifeless limping of the
murderer's smile.  I only heard the scream.
I longed to hear that vile exoticism again,
an ecstasy of fear and anguish released
unto the night like a loveless man releases
his loveless seed into his gaunt tissues.
I longed to feel that throbbing scream
below my parted hands, and to draw blood
down between my palms.  Like a painter
I'd carve my victims nicely, with a smile
or a crescent on their back.  I would not
be evil as I parted their body from its 
woes of living.  I would be their God,
their emancipator.  I remember the scream so
fondly, and the breast bone I gnawed on.

[shemthepenman]

hello,

Murder Scene - title says exactly what it does on the tin.

I heard the scream as it leapt for me. - this is an interesting line, it reminds me of bacon and the idea that the scream plugs itself into the nervous system becoming a binary system of sensation. having said that, i think it is already too wordy. i would cut it to something like 'her scream leapt at me / like a jaguar from her gullet...' furthermore, i would prefer a mouth screaming than a gullet, though i appreciate this is representative, so...
The jaguar from the gullet of a young - see above.
woman leapt at me in leopard skin with a tan - this all adds up to a very complicated image, and i don't think it works other than to add a layer of confusion. sometimes imagery can be too thick and it feels like a struggle to wade through it. sometimes it is worth the wade... sometimes, as i think in this instance, it is not. in which case i would cut the whole leopard skin and tan forest business, and move on.
forest behind it.  I did not hear the knife
as it parted her breast bone from her body. - oh my, things have taken a graphic turn for the worst. is this like torture porn poetry? also, i don't see it. the breast bone seems like a very awkward bone to specifically part from a body. i first mistakenly read it as '...her breast from her body' which though just as grim, had a logical physics to it that made sense.
I did not see the lifeless limping of the - lifeless limping...? make up your mind, is it lifeless or limping? but lifeless smile is cliche, and 'i did not see the murder's limpiing smile' is a bit shit. think about revision.
murderer's smile.  I only heard the scream. - is this repetition needed? i don't think so.
I longed to hear that vile exoticism again, - this is the point at which you're losing me. it is beyond my comprehension and nothing thus far has made me want to go after it. just one thing, 'vile exorcism' sounds better, more interesting; it calls back to the scream as foreign body escaping... etc.
an ecstasy of fear and anguish released - skip!
unto the night like a loveless man releases - unto is archaic. just jars and sounds amateurish.
his loveless seed into his gaunt tissues. - this is a bit erotic fiction sounding... i.e. a bit lazy and embarrassing to read.
I longed to feel that throbbing scream - em... again, see above.
below my parted hands, and to draw blood - i feel like i am missing something. are you will graham? or just a loony?
down between my palms.  Like a painter
I'd carve my victims nicely, with a smile
or a crescent on their back.  I would not
be evil as I parted their body from its 
woes of living.  I would be their God,
their emancipator.  I remember the scream so - as a reader, i have really lost all interest at this stage. i mean, the idea of murder being emancipation from 'the bodies woes of living' [an awful phrase by the way - a better one: from the thousand natural shocks the flesh is heir to... but, if memory serves, that one's been used before] is all a bit hokey and twee.
fondly, and the breast bone I gnawed on. - this last gnawing on a breast bone is a powerful image, and nicely wraps everything up.

in closing, i like sensation based poems, yet, this one doesn't hit the mark, as far as i am concerned; it may be a personal taste thing, but i don't find revelling in torture and murder that interesting - it all sounds too romantic. i would prefer a splash of humour [no matter how dark] or something like the banality of evil. also, the apologist ending makes matters worse. having said that, i am reading it flat, as it were, and maybe missing some underlying meaning or message or reference or whatnot.

[tectak]

Murder Scene
I heard the scream as it leapt for me.Statemental opener. Good. A little bit of cautious anthropomorphism goes a long way in imagery. I hear a scream and a horrific attachment. So far so good.
The jaguar from the gullet of a young ...but now you are too keen on getting your words out that you get them out twice. You could and should combine these "scream image" bits in to one.

"I heard the scream; a jaguar from the gullet of a young woman leapt at me."
woman leapt at me in leopard skin with a tan Be careful. This is now getting very disjointed. You need to completely seperate the IMAGE of the woman and her scream from the IMAGE of just the woman. By all means elaborate on her appearance but write it as clearly as you did to decribe that scream. I am unsure what relevence a leopard skin has to a jaguar but what I do know is that you have made the schoolboy howler of shooting an elephant in your pyjamas. "The woman leapt at ME in leopard skin with a tan forest behind it" Huh?
forest behind it.  I did not hear the knife This is a little sudden. I expect you turned away. Horror does that and so you make a point for veracity....but the image is now completely confusing. I confess I am thwarted with the lifeless limping of the murderer's smile. What on earth does this mean? You need a clear story to make clear statements and so convey clear thoughts. YOU know what you are seeing in your mind, I do not. You did NOT see the knife? You did not see the murderer's face? Sorry, but you make a poor witness. Let's recap. You heard a scream and that is all?
as it parted her breast bone from her body.
I did not see the lifeless limping of the
murderer's smile.  I only heard the scream. Yes officer. I know nothing. I only heard a scream
I longed to hear that vile exoticism again, Soliloquy. Your thoughts. Again, make the seperation clear or we will be here all night working out who did what to whom and with what.
an ecstasy of fear and anguish released
unto the night like a loveless man releases
his loveless seed into his gaunt tissues. Repetition of a descriptor CAN add emphasis to a single subject but to share one word with two subjects is mean, lazy or inadequate. Loveless is a strange descriptor anyway as perversions often convince the perpetrator that some kind of "love" manifestation is quintessential to their raison d'etre. So you loose that veracity point for me...combined with the difficulty of hearing an exoticism, and desperately trying to work out how to release my sperm in to my own gaunt skin,( I will not loose sleep over it) I am now losing faith. Not unusually in this shock-horror genre I find that boredom begins to set in with the predictability of the nastyness. If there was some other way of producing the squirm factor it would still be a cliche by now...I mean, there's only so much abomination to go round and E.A. Poe used most of it up. Back to the poem. As you are essentially writing prose with bus-stops there is no excuse for pretending that anything poetic is required, nothing wrong with that, BUT without the intellectual glue holding the piece together it is all disintegrating before my eyes. As I predicted, there is some return to the twisted reasoning of the psychopath but it is too little too late. Bringing in god, emancipation, removal from woes etc. does indicate some definition of the "not evil" man thinking pleasant thoughts whilst cutting off breasts, slicing flesh off living bodies and generally getting up to no good. However, to write about it is as difficult as writing about love. Perhaps you should look seriously at making the unclear clear and then trying to make a core theme or metaphor paramount throughout. As it is, the motive shifts and the intent changes. I am still not sure who your character was...er...is. The last few lines I take with a pinch of salt....and perhaps a little apple sauce
I longed to feel that throbbing scream
below my parted hands, and to draw blood
down between my palms.  Like a painter
I'd carve my victims nicely, with a smile
or a crescent on their back.  I would not
be evil as I parted their body from its 
woes of living.  I would be their God,
their emancipator.  I remember the scream so
fondly, and the breast bone I gnawed on.

[kaxtar1]

Well there goes the dreams, lol

[tectak]

Well there goes the dreams, lol

Hi Kaxt,
No. Never lose the dream. When fantasy is of any value it is more often than not dream based. Of course, there is nothing so predictably mundane as "then I woke up and it was all a dream" BUT to use the dream to write the poem..well, that is where good fantasy begins. All you have to do is tell the story as if it were real. Horror thrives on convincing the viewer/reader that all this could happen to them. It has to ring true. All the blood and gore in the world will have little impact if it is self served as a gratuitous exercise. Relate it to an event, say, and you have a better chance. All the while, however, you should remind yourself that this is poetry site. We are more shocked by bad grammar than by dismemberment, if shocking is your aim. If you want to write shocking poetry just incorporate at least ONE poetic device so that we know you are Serious then let rip. Poetic devices? Like what? Well, like rhyme and/or meter and/or metaphor and or assonance and/or ...well, you get the picture; and with any picture imagery is essential. Same with poetry.
Best,
tectak

[Achebe]

Suggestions below.
Some nice, descriptive lines. A few more strong, sensuous, images of blood and spilled guts would make a more compelling case for why the narrator views murder as porn.

Murder Scene
I heard the scream as it leapt for me.
The jaguar from the gullet of a young
woman leapt at me in leopard skin with a tan
forest behind it.  I did not hear the knife
as it parted her breast bone from her body.
I did not see the lifeless limping of the
murderer's smile.  I only heard the scream.

I longed to hear that vile exoticism again,
an ecstasy of fear and anguish released
unto the night like a loveless man releases
his loveless seed into his gaunt tissues. - clumped / clenched / used / cheap...but not gaunt.
I longed to feel that throbbing scream - cliche . 'hear' instead of 'feel'?
below my parted hands, and to draw blood
down between my palms.  Like a painter - a woodcarver? sculptor? Durer?
I'd carve my victims nicely, with a smile
or a crescent on their back.  I would not
be evil as I parted their body from its 
woes of living.  I would be their God,
their emancipator.  I remember the scream so
fondly, and the breast bone I gnawed on. - Great ending.

[love apollon]

Murder Scene

I heard the scream as it leapt for me.
                                                                           --Both of these lines could be condensed. I like the metaphor and imagery you're trying to use but 
The jaguar from the gullet of a young                    the Rhythm becomes muddied in wordiness
woman leapt at me in leopard skin with a tan          something like "I heard it as it leapt for me, like a jaguar from the gullet of a young woman."
forest behind it.

I did not hear the knife as it parted                      -- I really dig how your painting this murder scene but the impact is yet again being lost to wordiness.
her breast bone from her body.                             Something like "I did not hear the knife as it parted her breast bone from her body, nor did i see the
                                                                              lifeless limping of the murderer's smile. I only heard the scream. 
I did not see the lifeless limping of the
murderer's smile.

I only heard the scream.

I longed to hear that vile exoticism again,           --I can see that you're trying to illustrate some sexual gratification the murder is getting from killing
an ecstasy of fear and anguish released                this woman but i don't know that it is necessarily impactful in the way that you want it to be. I think
unto the night like a loveless man releases             what distracts me is the simile you use "...like a loveless man releases his loveless seed into his gaunt   his loveless seed into his gaunt tissues.                  tissues
                                                                            this to me implies necrophilia when i don't know if that's necessarily what you are trying to imply.
                                                                            removing this line will allow this sentence to flow into the next one with a more desirable rhythm. 
I longed to feel that throbbing scream
below my parted hands, and to draw blood       
down between my palms.

Like a painter I'd carve my victims nicely,          --I don't know if this line is necessary and I spent a few moments reading back to myself from the 
with a smile or a crescent on their back.               vile exoticism line to the end with and without this line and i personally find it to be unecessary to the 
                                                                           overarching story plot. " I would not be evil as i parted their bodie(s) (use a plural form because you 
I would not be evil as I parted their body              are referring to several victims) from their woes of living. I would be their God, their emancipator." is 
from its woes of living.                                          a very solid ending

I would be their God,
their emancipator.

I remember the scream so                               -- finishing with "I remember the scream so fondly." seems more abrupt and startling than the line you
fondly, and the breast bone I gnawed on.           constructed but I may be nit picking there. Possibly removing this entire line and ending with the                                                                                      above would paint the blood mania you're going for a bit more hauntingly. 

                                                            



Overall i found this to be a good read, you definitely have some great ideas going.