Birch Leaves

[justlikeyou]

[RiverNotch]

I think I see the problem: there is association, but there is no experience. There is thought and feeling behind your work: there is nothing within itself. Of course, the same can be said for mine, and it's really good that we're all working hard and constant on this. Specifics:

The association here is clearer, but right now, it seems like an empty, or worse still, possibly offensive metaphor. I suppose, though each piece of art can and should speak for itself, the author's intent is important, since art is the author communicating; and of course, the message must be consistent with the form, or at least with the general wisdom. That is to say, do you mean to compare the earth mother to, well, essentially, a harlot? worse still, a harlot giving away all her coin? or something along these lines--
And, well, fundamentally, at least from how I've come to understand it so far, there are no metaphors in haiku, only....well, things. But I suppose I'm not exactly looking at this right.

[ellajam]

Hi, jly, This really works for me, just the last line seems unnecessary., birch is in the title and there's plenty of movement in the middle line, maybe you can come up with something else than can apply to both birch leaves and belly dancers.

I read river's comment and have to add that in my read I did not equate a belly dancer's celebration of her body with harlotry. And even if I did, the strong image of shimmying hips and leaves would be fine, and well done.

[justlikeyou]

I think I see the problem: there is association, but there is no experience. There is thought and feeling behind your work: there is nothing within itself. Of course, the same can be said for mine, and it's really good that we're all working hard and constant on this. Specifics:

The association here is clearer, but right now, it seems like an empty, or worse still, possibly offensive metaphor. I suppose, though each piece of art can and should speak for itself, the author's intent is important, since art is the author communicating; and of course, the message must be consistent with the form, or at least with the general wisdom. That is to say, do you mean to compare the earth mother to, well, essentially, a harlot? worse still, a harlot giving away all her coin? or something along these lines--
And, well, fundamentally, at least from how I've come to understand it so far, there are no metaphors in haiku, only....well, things. But I suppose I'm not exactly looking at this right.

See if this helps clears up my intent a bit. 



and this 

---

I think I see the problem: there is association, but there is no experience. There is thought and feeling behind your work: there is nothing within itself. Of course, the same can be said for mine, and it's really good that we're all working hard and constant on this. Specifics:

The association here is clearer, but right now, it seems like an empty, or worse still, possibly offensive metaphor. I suppose, though each piece of art can and should speak for itself, the author's intent is important, since art is the author communicating; and of course, the message must be consistent with the form, or at least with the general wisdom. That is to say, do you mean to compare the earth mother to, well, essentially, a harlot? worse still, a harlot giving away all her coin? or something along these lines--
And, well, fundamentally, at least from how I've come to understand it so far, there are no metaphors in haiku, only....well, things. But I suppose I'm not exactly looking at this right.

See if this helps clears up my intent a bit. 

This



then this 

[RiverNotch]

Hi, jly,  This really works for me, just the last line seems unnecessary., birch is in the title and there's plenty of movement in the middle line, maybe you can come up with something else than can apply to both birch leaves and belly dancers.

I read river's comment and have to add that in my read I did not equate a belly dancer's celebration of her body with harlotry. And even if I did, the strong image of shimmying hips and leaves would be fine, and well done.

I guess that's a limit of the culture I've experienced that I could then remember: I've given the poem some more thought, and I agree that the whole comment doesn't really work, while the poem and its metaphor does. That said, the first and final parts of the comment, I think, still stand: there's very clear association here, but no actual, plain experience. The fact that everything's based around a metaphor, and worse still, a metaphor and an actual picture, robs the poem of its unity, its haiku-ness. Otherwise, better than first read!

[John]

The shorter the poem, the more intensity it has to demonstrate on an exponential scale. A picture in support to help convey imagery means that the wording isn't doing its job.

'Shiny' is superfluous as this quality is suggested in silver anyway. And birch leaves exhibit pale gold/brown/yellowy hues, nowhere near silver. Apart from a coin belt, belly dancers also wear gold chains and jewellery around their hips, so with that, it may be better to compare their colours and flutterings/shimmerings with birch leaves.

Just a couple of thoughts.

[justlikeyou]

The shorter the poem, the more intensity it has to demonstrate on an exponential scale. A picture in support to help convey imagery means that the wording isn't doing its job.

'Shiny' is superfluous as this quality is suggested in silver anyway. And birch leaves exhibit pale gold/brown/yellowy hues, nowhere near silver. Apart from a coin belt, belly dancers also wear gold chains and jewellery around their hips, so with that, it may be better to compare their colours and flutterings/shimmerings with birch leaves.

Just a couple of thoughts.

"Shiny" was an attempt at movement. Perhaps "shimmering" would be better. Yes and no about the color of birch leaves. The bright green leaves have an underside that flash silvery in the wind. The ones in the vid above are fall leaves which turn gold. I had in mind the first as witnessed while at a traffic light recently. Thanks a bunch for your imput. I appreciate it.