Temporary January

[charlie142]

I've edited the poem and tried to address some of the issues you guys pointed out.

1st Edit:

Temporary January
Never is it a crash, a plunge, a fall -
rather it is a dull, soft thud, and then
a slow, seeping explosion of the walls;
a straining sigh, a colder cry, again.
An early evening rarely comes alone -
it brings a flood, a rush of damp, dark blue.
When lamps are lit we then begin our own
escape - it can not capture all in view.
These violet days and weeks of reddened eyes
soon catch the 67 bus away:
For Winter Floods the spring is not the time,
as ice-cream drips to giggling dismay.
And then I feel the summer shining down;
Its promises are a beautiful sound.

Original:

Temporary January
Never is it a crash, a plunge, a fall -
rather it is a dull, soft thud, and then
a slow, seeping explosion of the walls;
a straining sigh, a colder cry, again.
At five o'clock a drag, the day is dead.
A flood moves in, a rush of damp, dark blue.
A dog - she barks, she tries to get ahead,
but winter floods will capture all in view.
But violet days and weeks of reddened eyes
all catch the 67 bus away;
they have their day, but now is not the time
as ice-cream drips to giggling dismay.
For now we feel the summer shining down;
its promise one of such beautiful sound.

[elviaje26]

Temporary January
Never is it a crash, a plunge, a fall - very smooth and interesting starting line
rather it is a dull, soft thud, and then
a slow, seeping explosion of the walls;
a straining sigh, a colder cry, again.
At five o'clock a drag, the day is dead.
A flood moves in, a rush of damp, dark blue.
A dog - she barks, she tries to get ahead,
but winter floods will capture all in view.
But violet days and weeks of reddened eyes
all i'll??? catch the 67 bus away;
they have their day, but now is not the time
as ice-cream drips to giggling dismay.
For now we feel the summer shining down;
its promise one of such beautiful sound.This last line seemed to not a lot of enegry of feeling to it. I think the word "such" gives it a feel you might not intended. It also seems to be a bit of a tangent.

[ohkshea]

I really enjoyed the beginning of your poem, however as the other commenters mention, it loses its flow as it progresses. I found myself getting lost between winter and summer; I think it might be helpful to have a more obvious shift between the two.

"but winter floods will capture all in view.
But violet days and weeks of reddened eyes"

I feel these two lines go awkwardly together, both starting with "but," maybe try removing or replacing the second "but."

---

I forgot to mention this in my post, but really great title. It definitely grabbed my attention and made me want to read your poem, it has a nice flow to it.

[charlie142]

You know this poem sounds like the Butterfly effect with a taste of mild concussion added. The flow was a bit choppy, on and off rhyme scheme. Not a major issue though poetry isn't necessarily needed with actual rhythm abilities. Though we do need a precise flow to follow accordingly or understand the concept approach. I mention this on every poem that imagery is always good to acquire, but at least provides some groundbreaking depth. I like the rush of things. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the read with a substantial message within. Just work on certain factors I mentioned.

Flow
Imagery
Context

Thanks for your reply! Glad to hear you enjoyed the poem.
You're right about the rhythm being choppy, particularly in the middle section I think? I'm going to try edit the poem and improve that section
Thanks again!

---

Temporary January
Never is it a crash, a plunge, a fall - very smooth and interesting starting line
rather it is a dull, soft thud, and then
a slow, seeping explosion of the walls;
a straining sigh, a colder cry, again.
At five o'clock a drag, the day is dead.
A flood moves in, a rush of damp, dark blue.
A dog - she barks, she tries to get ahead,
but winter floods will capture all in view.
But violet days and weeks of reddened eyes
all i'll??? catch the 67 bus away;
they have their day, but now is not the time
as ice-cream drips to giggling dismay.
For now we feel the summer shining down;
its promise one of such beautiful sound.This last line seemed to not a lot of enegry of feeling to it. I think the word "such" gives it a feel you might not intended. It also seems to be a bit of a tangent.

Thank you for your comment! I agree, now that you've pointed it out, that perhaps the word "such" needs to be changed

---

I really enjoyed the beginning of your poem, however as the other commenters mention, it loses its flow as it progresses. I found myself getting lost between winter and summer; I think it might be helpful to have a more obvious shift between the two.

"but winter floods will capture all in view.
But violet days and weeks of reddened eyes"

I feel these two lines go awkwardly together, both starting with "but," maybe try removing or replacing the second "but."

---

I forgot to mention this in my post, but really great title. It definitely grabbed my attention and made me want to read your poem, it has a nice flow to it.

Thanks for your kind comment! I realise the flow in the middle of the poem is weak, I am going to address this issue in my edit of the poem. I agree with you also that the word "but" should be changed.
Glad to hear you liked the title!