Fairy-tales

[Misanthrope]

Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
    Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?



Revision in progress:
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams and fantasies, the life you could’ve had?
    Would you change the way you left that day now knowing what you do?
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?

[peacejazzspirit]

Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to p(l)ay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had? I don't quite understand this line. Suggestion: "Do you miss the dreams (or fantasies) of the life you could've had?
    Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do? I'd take out then and those commas, put one after day, and add now to the end of the line.
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?

Hi Misanthrope,
I very much like the idea of this poem, but in some places it's a tad wordy. Also a broader word choice would do the piece some good. Good luck editing, it's a nice piece!

[Misanthrope]

I actually like both of your suggestions. xD I don't think I want broader word choice though... The child-like feel of it wouldn't quite feel right worth more expansive vocabulary. I'll mess with it. Thank you!

[peacejazzspirit]

I actually like both of your suggestions. xD I don't think I want broader word choice though... The child-like feel of it wouldn't quite feel right worth more expansive vocabulary. I'll mess with it. Thank you!

I understand what you mean, and glad my contribution was of help.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello MIs-

Please read aloud and you'll detect the flaws in meter.

Every line is end-stopped with rhyme, lending that sing-song effect to serious poem. (See any poem by Leanne for learning the art of "enjambment". )

The end-rhymes are forced exactly where you know they are, if you listen, exhibit A:
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?

Your "need" to rhyme with "dad" led to the clunker line that followed.

The "surprise" ending is less effective, because I seriously doubt that an inmate would think like that. ( I didn't, but I never spent more than a night in lock-up). The toy gun/real gun reality needs more attention, rather than being mentioned in passing.

The "do you..." "would you..." repetitions don't really bother me, but they beg for stronger content to follow.

In all: beware the killer forced rhymes. Learn something of enjambment. Become a master of your own meter.

Tighten'er up and you'll have something here stronger than a "laundry list"....
... Mark

Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
    Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?

[Princess Consuela]

Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
    Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?

I think this a great poem, the increased indent is a nice touch, like the slippery slope the speaker experiences. I like the simplicity and the impact of all the questions. I too think there may be a few forced rhymes and some lines that may be simplified. For example:
Do you miss the dreams that died, the life you might have had? (the "it seems" makes it bit wordy)
Would you change the way you left that day knowing what you do now? (I think the "coma then comma" stops the flow of that line.)

I have to admit that  disagree with mark (not that i have a single drop of experience with inmates) but I think that idea of reminiscing and obsessing about past decisions and actions could be how an inmate thinks.

[billy]

Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?

the first line screams out for a now at the end but that would make it cliche
the meter in the second line doesn't feel right for me a [knowing there is no take two] would work better.

the punctuation also feels out of wack

the first line above feels a bit trippy and i struggle to make sense of it. in general i do like the poem but it needs breaking down into firm images. the rhymes come a little surprise so they need sorting out with less obvious one's maybe create two lines instead of a long one and add the imagery.

[Pious Baloney]

A pleasurable piece to read.  I agree with Princess C about the indent being a nice touch.  I interpret it as the person drifting away from where one should be or perhaps wants to be.  

There is a viral video out there of a preliminary/bond court hearing in Florida where the judge recognizes an inmate as an old middle-school classmate.  One that she (the judge) characterized as the best in school at the time. I imagine the inmate felt a measure of surreal-ness in the context of a fairytale in those immediate moments following recognizing the judge.  Brutal thoughts of woulda/coulda/shoulda...etc.  That is what came to mind upon reading/reflecting on your poem.

As far as the piece itself goes...the order of two lines stuck out as a bit off.  From a chronological standpoint...I feel like those words (probably regrettable ones) that were 'overheard' would precede having 'left that day'.  Thus it seems more logical for the person to ask first about the words used and then about having left.  

Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
    Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?        <---  Consider moving this line down one.
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?     <---  Consider moving this line up one.
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?

[QDeathstar]

this was a good poem to read. I like the sing songy effect. it catches you off guard, which I reckon is the point here. Speaker is writing to a bad man, let's not start with the accusations just yet.

Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad? play, obviously
   Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had? oh, yuck, disgusting. get it away please. Could you keep the hope you lost to cope with the life you led as a lad, or something else please
    Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do? not working either..
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real? psuedo-strife
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail? lost to jail, speaker maybe lost something too.

the poem has the potential to be pretty good, with a few more thoughtful edits.

[thewatson]

I really like the idea of this poem. I really like the rhythm that I has, well, could have after a couple revisions imo. I feel like the meter could be a little better.. Same with the word choice. I didn't really understand the word steal until the very end, which I think it's only appropriate if you actually stolen and ended up in jail.. But I love the rhyme scheme and I love the symbolism, it's awesome work and I can tell it came from the heart.

[Stateofmind]

I enjoyed where this piece took me. A little wordy though,  it seemed like you were trying to force rhyming in some places and ended up missing the beat for the sake of a good rhyme. Still an great piece though. The feeling of time lost and regret reverberates throughout your words. Great job!

[hannah.h]

I like the way the poem is structured and builds towards the ending. The rhyme scheme is interesting but does affect some of the poem's wording which you should be careful of and try to rework so that it doesn't sound so forced- particularly lines 7-8. I feel that line 8 has a slightly awkward sound to it and might need some tweaking. Make sure you fix the typo in line 3 to read play rather than pay.
Nice work, keep it up

[elviaje26]

Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
    Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?



Revision in progress:
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams and fantasies, the life you could’ve had?
    Would you change the way you left that day now knowing what you do?
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?

To be honest half way into the poem i felt jolted. It seemed to jump not gracefully into being locked in jail for not stealing. I feel like the line " Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal?" needs some work in terms of a smoother transition that is less confusing. The first two lines seemed to flow smoothly and rhythmically much more than the rest of the lines.

[justlikeyou]

The poem speaks to me about regret and a sense of losing hope of realizing ones dream (of happiness?). Overall I liked it, but being an eternal optimist I had to give it a gentle tweak where I could. 

Revision in progress:
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
 Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
  Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
   Do you miss the dreams and fantasies, the life you could’ve had? (perhaps "a life you could've had?" because even though you may have blown one chance, as long as there is breath in the body there is always another chance at finding happiness.)
    Would you change the way you left that day now knowing what you do? (I like this redo over the original)
     Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two? 
      Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
       Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal? 
        Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
         Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?