September

[Alexearth]

The season finally slumps
and in the tender light behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches,
and fade away on a warm brass note.

[rowens]

The line breaks look more interesting on this phone's standard view, but yours aren't horrible. I might can say more about that when I get to a computer. I think tender is a nice word for that light, almost simple. The third line makes sense with me, but also seems the most questionable, though it's not horrible either. I like everything after the semicolon. The hectic yet lazy summer steam and tension caressing into fall. That's how it feels to me.

[Alexearth]

The line breaks look more interesting on this phone's standard view, but yours aren't horrible. I might can say more about that when I get to a computer. I think tender is a nice word for that light, almost simple. The third line makes sense with me, but also seems the most questionable, though it's not horrible either. I like everything after the semicolon. The hectic yet lazy summer steam and tension caressing into fall. That's how it feels to me.

Thank you for your message Rowens. I'm wondering, what line breaks did you read the poem with, and also what line breaks would you had put?


Alex

[rowens]

The season finally slumps
and in the tender light
behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling
glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather
couches,
and fade away on a warm
brass note.


I got used to looking at it like that before I saw it right. I'm not sure if that's what I would have put. But they're your decisions.

[Alexearth]

The season finally slumps
and in the tender light
behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling
glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather
couches,
and fade away on a warm
brass note.



I got used to looking at it like that before I saw it right. I'm not sure if that's what I would have put. But they're your decisions.

Interesting. Thanks for your help Rowens!
My choice would be:

The season finally slumps-
and in the tender light
behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches,
and fade away
on a warm brass note.

[3zu]

This didn't work for me. No punch is why. Shortform poetry of any kind needs punch, snap, crackle, to do the job it is asked to do. For the demands of shortform you have to think Bruce Lee. This piece begins with the "slumps" and ends with a "fade away on a warm brass note" and between these two the terrain offers no spark, shows no teeth - nothing but "tender light", "tired glances", "worn leather couches", & "pretend worlds" -

I read the other responses here and they are telling - there was so little of excitement or fire in your piece that most of the talk revolves around the line breaks used -

This is what you want ?

[Alexearth]

This didn't work for me. No punch is why. Shortform poetry of any kind needs punch, snap, crackle, to do the job it is asked to do. For the demands of shortform you have to think Bruce Lee. This piece begins with the "slumps" and ends with a "fade away on a warm brass note" and between these two the terrain offers no spark, shows no teeth - nothing but "tender light", "tired glances", "worn leather couches", & "pretend worlds" -

I read the other responses here and they are telling - there was so little of excitement or fire in your piece that most of the talk revolves around the line breaks used -

This is what you want ?

Dear 3zu, thanks for your comment. 
In this short poem I wanted to translate through a scene the smooth yet tired transition from summer to September, so a smooth poem, without any "punch". Starting all used up and finishing into oblivion. It's about the feeling, not being shocking and confusing.

[3zu]

Alex, I didn't say shocking or confusing - I said punch - I understand what you're saying about "starting all used up and finishing into oblivion." but that's not how it goes is it? On the oblivion end of things, I mean. Autumn is coming, summer departs and the paths she takes in leaving cannot be seen so swiftly does autumn erase them at the same time filling the space with itself.
This change is not bland but dynamic, as dynamic as a tsunami. You say it's about feeling, ok sure, but the feeling I came away with was one just short of a yawn - the change of these two seasons is not like that at all - there is action going on in front of us on a vast scale and by the minute - and autumn has to do it's job quickly because winter is at it's heels howling mad dog wild all the way - the change you're talking about is not smooth but inevitable, snap! crackle! pop! & POW ! The poem you wrote is romanticised fantasy, a pretend world, nothing wrong with that but it has little to do with a flesh & blood world. No punch. -  3zu

[Alexearth]

But that's exactly what I want, a romanticized fantasy, a pretend world. Autumn/Fall is for me the end, the end of summer adventures/romances, the end of an era. What you are describing is your own personal interpretation. It doesn't matter if in the real world Winter is approaching, that there is action etc. I don't want to write about the beginning of something else. I want to retrace the feeling of summer fading, in my own opinion and view. And maybe punch shouldn't find itself here.

[ellajam]

Okay, enough of this, you both belong here. If you two really want to argue the what is poetry question please take it to Poetry Discussion, or if you insist on it being a personal argument, To the Pig's Arse. Thanks, ella

[skadragon]

The season finally slumps-
and in the tender light
behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches,
and fade away
on a warm brass note.

I really prefer the original form. This way seems like it's trying to draw it out and make it seem bigger than it is. This is a nice picture. Like a freeze frame of a short, beautiful, but otherwise inconsequential moment. I don't like slumps. It's a curt sort of word that is hard for me to recover from in the smooth comfortable wording of the rest of the piece. "and fade away on a warm brass note." is by far my favorite. I can practically hear the music. "behind the pane" is another portion I dislike. I just don't feel like it adds anything and that distracts from what does.

[Alexearth]

The season finally slumps-
and in the tender light
behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches,
and fade away
on a warm brass note.

I really prefer the original form. This way seems like it's trying to draw it out and make it seem bigger than it is. This is a nice picture. Like a freeze frame of a short, beautiful, but otherwise inconsequential moment. I don't like slumps. It's a curt sort of word that is hard for me to recover from in the smooth comfortable wording of the rest of the piece. "and fade away on a warm brass note." is by far my favorite. I can practically hear the music. "behind the pane" is another portion I dislike. I just don't feel like it adds anything and that distracts from what does.

Thanks for your comment Skadragon. I like your idea about "slump", I must say I like the fact that it is a word dropping that implements right away the idea of the poem.
In "and fade away on a warm brass note." what do you think of warm? I'm stuck looking for an adjective of warmth contrasting with the idea of exhaustion and nostalgia, and better than the word "warmth"..

Thanks again,


Alex

[RiverNotch]

The season finally slumps "Slumps" is a silly word: makes me think either of the death of someone sitting down, or a quaint way of referring to a failure. This could probably be a nobler image, too -- something about leaves falling, about a warm brass beginning perhaps to round off the warm brass end.
and in the tender light behind the pane, 
tired glances upon swirling glasses; I disagree with the semicolon. This for me generally indicates separation of thought much less effectively than the long, spatially distancing em dash. Also, I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to convey with this line, especially with "upon" -- tying to the next line, I imagine couples discussing matters over tumblers of bourbon, but then that should be "over", not upon. Unless you are talking of something very tired about the way these couples treat their drinks -- but then, that would be a bit off, I think.
couples pretend worlds I like this line, though I'm somehow thinking that the couples imagine themselves to be those worlds -- slightly off, but for me very, very appropriate.
from their worn leather couches, 
and fade away on a warm brass note. It's the "warm brass note" that makes me think more of alcohol than of autumn, though both are not mutually exclusive -- music here is a secondary thing, what with the lack of music all throughout (light, perhaps, but what light? If orange, would be redundant -- this could be a liability. If your goal is something other than plain orange light, you'll need to tweak the poem by bits, though how is up to you -- if your goal is to present simply that light, or this plain season, you might be thinking too one-dimensionally, at least for something this long). The whole feel of sweet, swirling loss in this poem is a real treat, though it's not as seasonal as I would like -- again, that first line could probably be changed. And I'm good with the line breaks -- the longer, dreamier lines fit the subject better.

[Alexearth]

The season finally slumps "Slumps" is a silly word: makes me think either of the death of someone sitting down, or a quaint way of referring to a failure. This could probably be a nobler image, too -- something about leaves falling, about a warm brass beginning perhaps to round off the warm brass end.
and in the tender light behind the pane, 
tired glances upon swirling glasses; I disagree with the semicolon. This for me generally indicates separation of thought much less effectively than the long, spatially distancing em dash. Also, I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to convey with this line, especially with "upon" -- tying to the next line, I imagine couples discussing matters over tumblers of bourbon, but then that should be "over", not upon. Unless you are talking of something very tired about the way these couples treat their drinks -- but then, that would be a bit off, I think.
couples pretend worlds I like this line, though I'm somehow thinking that the couples imagine themselves to be those worlds -- slightly off, but for me very, very appropriate.
from their worn leather couches, 
and fade away on a warm brass note. It's the "warm brass note" that makes me think more of alcohol than of autumn, though both are not mutually exclusive -- music here is a secondary thing, what with the lack of music all throughout (light, perhaps, but what light? If orange, would be redundant -- this could be a liability. If your goal is something other than plain orange light, you'll need to tweak the poem by bits, though how is up to you -- if your goal is to present simply that light, or this plain season, you might be thinking too one-dimensionally, at least for something this long). The whole feel of sweet, swirling loss in this poem is a real treat, though it's not as seasonal as I would like -- again, that first line could probably be changed. And I'm good with the line breaks -- the longer, dreamier lines fit the subject better.

Thanks for your comment, RiverNotch!

I have to say, I wasn't sure and still am not of the exact definition of slump, especially the image it gives out.
Even though I wrote September as a title, the season slump here is more about couples' relationship ending, maybe because it was only a summer fling, and perhaps with a touch of alcohol.
For me the "warm" adjective in the last part is too nice and I'm scared it contrasts too much with the subject of end and loss, but I fail to find something better.
Thanks again for your feedback!


Alex

[Achebe]

[quote='Alexearth' pid='197365' dateline='1443014644']
The season, finally 
Slumps, and in the tender light  (moving 'slumps' thus makes the first line line build up and slump, so to speak. 'Tender light' is a good phrase for this poem)
Behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses; ('Tired' - why tired? Sure, the season's slumping but why would that tire out our couples having a drink? Who or what are they glancing at - each other? Or  at the tender light behind the pane? This line needs to be replaced by something else)
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches, (if our couples are indoors, how can they be in the tender light behind the pane?)
and fade away on a warm brass note. (what fade(s) away? the couples? the season? it has slumped, and now it's fading away on a warm brass note? The musical metaphor would work if introduced at the start and reinforced here, else it's just loose and half-hearted. Again, this line needs to be replaced).

[\quote]

Has potential, but will need a few more iterations.