The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain.
Years passed before she asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Her new love takes her as she is,
declares that she can do no wrong.
He then reveals his preferences:
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
She wonders why they even care,
She'd always thought it was just hair.
I certainly love the new title, and the edit is quite good ella. Sorry, I wasn't projecting earlier, I just thought the poem needed more pizzazz, and pizzazz you gave. I'd just say maybe replace:
Years passed before she asked herself
with Years passed before she reflected
and eliminate the next line, along with "She" in the next and "her" in the line after
The out loud dialogue is weird to me (but it is still your poem).
That's all for now.
I just thought instead of "embraced her curiosity" you could replace "her" with "new"
Thanks for stopping back. You sure know how to isolate bum lines, I appreciate it.
Reflected is a lovely word for this poem, I'll try to work it in. I can't just cut lines because I'm trying to learn the form, but I surely can replace them. I like "new" too, I'll study all your points.
I may try to come to something between the last two edits. We'll see.
(01-31-2014, 06:57 AM)justcloudy Wrote: Ok so I literally LOLed at the new one. I love it. Much lighter and bouncier now! (Kinda like newly natural hair! ;p )
The alternate couplet is clever but I like the one you put in better.
Don't really have much to mention, other than the random capital S in the last line.
"Dove in" was mentioned as being weird earlier but I like it, and am glad you kept it. =]
Anyway just really love it now! =]
-justcloudy
Ha, I cracked myself up too, nice to know I'm not laughing alone.
I'll fix that S, thanks.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
i like the title it works well with hair length and what men like (i almost cried when my youngest had her hair cut short
it's a great attempt at the sonnet form you have the two part, and the break after line 8 is clear. and the couplet rounds it off well, though it feels a little weak
what little left you do to or with it, be really mild in anymore edits and possibly even step away for a week or month etc.
The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex? should this line be capped?
She dove in with a chestnut stain. the transition from the above line to this one doesn't feel to work that well, a suggestion would be [she answered with a chestnut stain] or something that's smoother.
Years passed before she asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Her new love takes her as she is,
declares that she can do no wrong. you will not believe me but i my very self have used this line before
He then reveals his preferences:
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
She wonders why they even care, would something else other than even work better, a suggestion would be [bloody] or some other mild expletive.
She'd always thought it was just hair.
(01-31-2014, 11:59 AM)billy Wrote: i like the title it works well with hair length and what men like (i almost cried when my youngest had her hair cut short
it's a great attempt at the sonnet form you have the two part, and the break after line 8 is clear. and the couplet rounds it off well, though it feels a little weak
what little left you do to or with it, be really mild in anymore edits and possibly even step away for a week or month etc.
The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex? should this line be capped? yes
She dove in with a chestnut stain. the transition from the above line to this one doesn't feel to work that well, a suggestion would be [she answered with a chestnut stain] or something that's smoother. "dove in" is still in play
Years passed before she asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Her new love takes her as she is,
declares that she can do no wrong. you will not believe me but i my very self have used this line before . Yes, I believe you.
He then reveals his preferences:
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
She wonders why they even care, would something else other than even work better, a suggestion would be [bloody] or some other mild expletive. Bloody would do well but it's not a word I use, I'll try to be more emphatic here.
She'd always thought it was just hair.
(01-31-2014, 05:56 PM)newsclippings Wrote: oops, I forgot to rhyme. I never rhyme. I'm horrible at it.
No oops, forgetting the rhyme came up with a great word. It's my job to work it in. Feel free to forget my rhymes any time.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Well, I thought I was was done on the joking note of edit 3, but the thorn in my side who shall remain nameless to avoid spreading the blame suggested I take another look. So I've tried one based on edit 1 trying to keep the same tone and do justice to fine crit I received.
The piñata is hung.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a monthly rinse that did the trick.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick,
betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
New love in hand she faced herself:
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced new curiosity.
Now silver streaks reveal the trade:
her innocence for halo's shade.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick, betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
Is excellent now. It reads quite effortless.
I am not convinced by the couplet. Something feels weird about it, probably the "halo's shade" part.
The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a monthly rinse that did the trick.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick,
betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
New love in hand she faced herself:
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced new curiosity.
Now silver streaks reveal the trade:
her innocence for halo's shade.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick, betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
Is excellent now. It reads quite effortless.
I am not convinced by the couplet. Something feels weird about it, probably the "halo's shade" part.
Thanks for the read, milo. Couplets allow so much freedom with their own rhyme, I don't know why I have so much trouble with them. I was hoping halo's shade might be a phrase with multiple meanings, but instead it might have none.
Thanks, I'll rethink it.
Title ok?
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex? maybe this perspective shift is a little out of place. It's nitpicking, but it stood out to me compared to the rest of the poem written in third person, and here the single apparently of a narrator
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a monthly rinse that did the trick.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick,
betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
New love in hand she faced herself:
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced new curiosity. this is by far the weakest line in the poem.. It falls flat when it is compared to the rest of the poem
Now silver streaks reveal the trade: love the ending
her innocence for halo's shade.
Overall I'm a fan of the poem. It tells an interesting story, and the last two lines are satisfying. I agree that the title needs work.. I don't understand the tie in to the poem.
give an inch follows by please makes me think about the ole just the tip jokes about penises.... But I'm sure that's not what you meant
(09-19-2015, 10:54 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex? maybe this perspective shift is a little out of place. It's nitpicking, but it stood out to me compared to the rest of the poem written in third person, and here the single apparently of a narrator
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a monthly rinse that did the trick.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick,
betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
New love in hand she faced herself:
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced new curiosity. this is by far the weakest line in the poem.. It falls flat when it is compared to the rest of the poem
Now silver streaks reveal the trade: love the ending
her innocence for halo's shade.
Overall I'm a fan of the poem. It tells an interesting story, and the last two lines are satisfying. I agree that the title needs work.. I don't understand the tie in to the poem.
give an inch follows by please makes me think about the ole just the tip jokes about penises.... But I'm sure that's not what you meant
I can't thank you enough, Q, your read brings up new points. Overall the response to L3 has been positive, an aside that worked for most. I'll certainly take a fresh look at it. I've been passing on L12 as fine but I think I agree with you, I'll try to say it in a more interesting way.
I appreciate your confidence in the couplet, I'll let it sit a bit. The title suited the edit before this one more (though I was going more for Give em an inch they'll take a mile ), I agree it doesn't really work here. I could go back to Silver and Gold but I'm meh on that one too. hhmmmm
So, thank you for your time, I'll try to put your critique to good use.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
(09-19-2015, 11:53 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Why not "Coming Of Age"
This poem reminds me of a coming of age story, just coming of an older age.
Good idea, I'll try going in that direction. Thanks
New edit: L12: I can't decide between "with no" and "without".
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
), I agree it doesn't really work here. I could go back to Silver and Gold but I'm meh on that one too. hhmmmm