My last day at 21 Semel Ave

[newsclippings]

A dark cloud paints the ceiling
where my dad sits.
A remnant to keep after 
he passes. I sometimes
think about which parent will 
go first, and how long 
the other will take to follow. 

I think about the last day 
I spent the night 
in my childhood home. My dad
wept for me, a better life.
Drunk and ashamed he told me 
to go. We wouldn't cry 
among each other, unless 
it was obligatory.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello news-

I think most obits say "survived by his wife", so I'm guessing dad goes first. At least mine did.

A dark cloud paints the ceiling good image
where my dad sits.
A remnant to keep after remnant doesn't seem like the right word for that painting
he passes. I sometimes arbitrary line breaks, here and throughout
think about which parent will 
go first, and how long 
the other will take to follow. 

I think about the last day 
I spent the night I don't know that you need "the night"
in my childhood home. My dad
wept for me, a better life.
Drunk and ashamed he told me interesting how I don't who is drunk and ashamed. maybe both
to go. We wouldn't cry 
among each other, unless 
it was obligatory.Something 's missing here at the end, and I'm not sure about the way you end it. If I had a suggestion I'd offer...

Whether or not this is a "real" story (from the writer's life), it is a story that has played out millions of times in millions of ways. Tying the concern of parents dying to the break between father and son is a difficult task, and you almost got it.

I have experienced the break from both ends, as the son and the father, and do agree that there is a lot unspoken (or "uncried") at that time. Men do have that tendency to withhold emotions, at least from my personal experience.

All that said, I was still looking for something more powerful at the end of this piece.

...Mark

[3zu]

The poet opens his invocation with no trace of ceremony - jump right in -
the first person met is "a dark cloud" - dark cloud is doing something, he's engaged in painting the ceiling - where? the author says, "where my dad sits" The third line and half of the fourth states that "dark cloud" is "A remnant to keep after he passes" I believe that meaning is never found in speculation but in the words, and only in the words, used for expression so lets stop a moment to look at this -

dark cloud painting ceiling
where my dad sits
a remnant to keep -

dark is the absence of light - paints the ceiling - either renovation & renewal is in view or powerful emotions, painful emotions, are being masked - I'm going with masked here since the rest of the trail on this piece does not support the notion of renewal in any form - this mask is the "remnant" that will be carried forward "after he passes" - things seem dark indeed -

Moving on the poet states that morbidity is making the scene, "I sometimes think about which parent will go first, and how long the other will take to follow." This morbid statement is in defense against those powerful, painful emotions, of what? Of loss, of being left with nothing but loss. The "dark cloud" is over everything & proving out a very busy little bee -

"I think about" ( this is the second occurrence of this phrase - the wall against death & the pain it brings, which is never mentioned by name in this piece but is sovereign here, that wall must be shored up a second time) - "I think about (rather thought than feel) the last day I spent the night in my childhood home" - dangerous territory the childhood home, many ghosts live there - this trail has led to Spookville Central - this is where the poet speaks from to the end of the piece -

What is said ?

1. "My dad wept for me"
2. "...he told me to go. "
3. "We wouldn't cry ... "

"We wouldn't cry ..." this is a powerful description of what happens to anyone when trapped in denial - this is the real ending of this piece - you went on a bit further but it carried no meaning because "We wouldn't cry" -

This trail ends here.
3zu

[newsclippings]

The poet opens his invocation with no trace of ceremony - jump right in -
the first person met is "a dark cloud" - dark cloud is doing something, he's engaged in painting the ceiling - where? the author says, "where my dad sits" The third line and half of the fourth states that "dark cloud" is "A remnant to keep after he passes" I believe that meaning is never found in speculation but in the words, and only in the words, used for expression so lets stop a moment to look at this -

dark cloud painting ceiling
where my dad sits
a remnant to keep -

dark is the absence of light - paints the ceiling - either renovation & renewal is in view or powerful emotions, painful emotions, are being masked - I'm going with masked here since the rest of the trail on this piece does not support the notion of renewal in any form - this mask is the "remnant" that will be carried forward "after he passes" - things seem dark indeed -

Moving on the poet states that morbidity is making the scene, "I sometimes think about which parent will go first, and how long the other will take to follow." This morbid statement is in defense against those powerful, painful emotions, of what? Of loss, of being left with nothing but loss. The "dark cloud" is over everything & proving out a very busy little bee -

"I think about" ( this is the second occurrence of this phrase - the wall against death & the pain it brings, which is never mentioned by name in this piece but is sovereign here, that wall must be shored up a second time)  - "I think about (rather thought than feel) the last day I spent the night in my childhood home" - dangerous territory the childhood home, many ghosts live there - this trail has led to Spookville Central - this is where the poet speaks from to the end of the piece -

What is said ?

1. "My dad wept for me"
2. "...he told me to go. "
3. "We wouldn't cry ... "

"We wouldn't cry ..." this is a powerful description of what happens to anyone when trapped in denial - this is the real ending of this piece - you went on a bit further but it carried no meaning because "We wouldn't cry" -

This trail ends here.
3zu

You're very right. It should have ended there.