Song of the Buoyant Spirits (Rev. #3)

[peacejazzspirit]

Rev. #3: Song of the Buoyant Spirits

Crying with joy,
buoyant spirits thrive; laughter rings out,
loud exclamations of freedom and victory
reverberate from sky to ground.
Crowned in cumulonimbus, the mosaic of earth is cleansed,
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the clouds.
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation for all canopied by the sky.

Rev. #2: Blessing in Disguise

Crying tears of joy,
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out,
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberating from sky to ground.
Round and revolving, the mosaic of earth is cleansed,
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the clouds.
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation for all canopied by the sky.

--------------------------------------
Rev. #1: To An Underappreciated Gift

Crying tears of joy,
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out,
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberating from sky to ground.
Round and revolving, the mosaic of Earth is cleansed,
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the entrails of the clouds.
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation, so palpable, that cascades from the sky.



------------------------------------
*Original*

On a Gloomy Day (title in question)

Crying tears of joy,
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out,
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberating from sky to ground.
Round and revolving, the mosaic of Earth is cleansed,
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the entrails of the clouds.
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation at the hands of the stormy sky.

[Quixilated]

Hiya pjs!
Love this new poem. I love thunderstorms and agree with your poem that they are full of a wild joyful energy.

On a Gloomy Day (title in question)Title could reflect the poem better but I have no suggestions ... The title made me expect a poem about sadness or boredom. So when I read the first line I was imagining people playing games to brighten their "gloomy day" ... I was almost halfway through before I realized it was about a storm.

Crying tears of joy, love this!!! I have always loved the rain, and often thought of it as tears ... But never occurred to make them tears of joy. I just love the optimism of this line.
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out,
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberating from sky to ground.
Round and revolving, the mosaic of Earth is cleansed,
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the entrails of the clouds. this line is not my favorite. "The earth is wrapped in the intestines of the clouds" does not quite mesh with the words of beauty, power, and joy going on around ... Perhaps the earth could be swathed in something a bit less gory ... maybe I'm just being squeamish... I would have put gossamer, but that has quiet connotations ... What's a loud happy material?.
Oust, for a day, the parching sun! love
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation at the hands of the stormy sky.I like (and agree with) the sentiment here but I feel like you could say it stronger/better. Play around with it a bit maybe.

Great imagery!!!!
--Quix

[peacejazzspirit]

Hiya pjs!
Love this new poem. I love thunderstorms and agree with your poem that they are full of a wild joyful energy.

On a Gloomy Day (title in question)Title could reflect the poem better but I have no suggestions ... The title made me expect a poem about sadness or boredom. So when I read the first line I was imagining people playing games to brighten their "gloomy day" ... I was almost halfway through before I realized it was about a storm.

Crying tears of joy, love this!!! I have always loved the rain, and often thought of it as tears ... But never occurred to make them tears of joy. I just love the optimism of this line.
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out,
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberating from sky to ground.
Round and revolving, the mosaic of Earth is cleansed,
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the entrails of the clouds. this line is not my favorite. "The earth is wrapped in the intestines of the clouds" does not quite mesh with the words of beauty, power, and joy going on around ... Perhaps the earth could be swathed in something a bit less gory ... maybe I'm just being squeamish... I would have put gossamer, but that has quiet connotations ... What's a loud happy material?.
Oust, for a day, the parching sun! love
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation at the hands of the stormy sky.I like (and agree with) the sentiment here but I feel like you could say it stronger/better. Play around with it a bit maybe.

Great imagery!!!!
--Quix

Hi Quix,
Thank you so much for your feedback!! What I meant by "swathed by the entrails of the clouds" was the insides, not the intestines, as entrails can just mean the inner parts/contents of; I chose my words there carefully because what I wanted to portray was the intimacy, if you will, between what/who resides on the ground and the forces/happenings in the atmosphere. I will alter the last line as well. And the deception of the title... that was unintentional!

[peacejazzspirit]

I've posted a revision, see above...

[RiverNotch]

To An Underappreciated Gift O windows of the heavens, I thought you were going to talk about something more special. Universal or not, with its strength, a storm can only be a gift well appreciated or a curse well hated: it can never be so tepidly loved as your title so says. Retrospectively, I mean, since the title gives not a good idea, nor a good background, nor even a good sign (ie thing to point to, the proper function of a name) of/on/for the poem -- I strongly suggest you change it, or at least remove any statements or suggestions containing "unappreciated".

Crying tears of joy,
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out,
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberating from sky to ground.
Round and revolving, the mosaic of Earth is cleansed, Capitalizing "earth" implies, to my mind, either the planet or the person. And yet, I don't think the scope of your poem is of Diluvial proportions, so pull the letter down.
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the entrails of the clouds. I wonder: entrails is insides, so are you implying a red (or colon colored -- eew) sky, ie that the storm is ended? Otherwise, why not just "swathed by clouds"?
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation, so palpable, that cascades from the sky. Not exactly a bit of criticism, but with what I'm currently reading, I find it really strange when a poem turns a universal idea on something so material into something so, er, material -- that is, since you don't seem to be talking about thunderstorms of the spirit (if so, it would be fairer of you to use more concrete descriptions, in the sense of your associations being easily realized in the eyes), I wonder why you have to reinforce the idea that they're palpable, ie material. Would not the natural direction be to move up, to turn them into something spiritual (rejuvenation over, say, wetting), rather than, with that one parenthetic, to suddenly return to the touchable?

[peacejazzspirit]

To An Underappreciated Gift O windows of the heavens, I thought you were going to talk about something more special. Universal or not, with its strength, a storm can only be a gift well appreciated or a curse well hated: it can never be so tepidly loved as your title so says. Retrospectively, I mean, since the title gives not a good idea, nor a good background, nor even a good sign (ie thing to point to, the proper function of a name) of/on/for the poem -- I strongly suggest you change it, or at least remove any statements or suggestions containing "unappreciated".

Crying tears of joy,
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out,
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberating from sky to ground.
Round and revolving, the mosaic of Earth is cleansed, Capitalizing "earth" implies, to my mind, either the planet or the person. And yet, I don't think the scope of your poem is of Diluvial proportions, so pull the letter down.
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the entrails of the clouds. I wonder: entrails is insides, so are you implying a red (or colon colored -- eew) sky, ie that the storm is ended? Otherwise, why not just "swathed by clouds"?
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation, so palpable, that cascades from the sky. Not exactly a bit of criticism, but with what I'm currently reading, I find it really strange when a poem turns a universal idea on something so material into something so, er, material -- that is, since you don't seem to be talking about thunderstorms of the spirit (if so, it would be fairer of you to use more concrete descriptions, in the sense of your associations being easily realized in the eyes), I wonder why you have to reinforce the idea that they're palpable, ie material. Would not the natural direction be to move up, to turn them into something spiritual (rejuvenation over, say, wetting), rather than, with that one parenthetic, to suddenly return to the touchable?

Hi RiverNotch,
Thanks for your crit. I do want to point out a few things though:
I never said "unappreciated", I said "underappreciated". But, I will alter the title to a more fitting one.
Away goes the capital E.
"entrails of the clouds" was the water which poured forth from them.
I understand what you mean with the last line, but something palpable doesn't have to be material. Tension could be palpable; excitement could be palpable; able to be sensed or easily felt, I didn't mean it in a materialistic way. I have a hard time ending things, so I'll work on it.
Thanks again,
PJS

[RiverNotch]

I never said "unappreciated", I said "underappreciated". But, I will alter the title to a more fitting one. Editorial mistake. Thanks.
"entrails of the clouds" was the water which poured forth from them. I tend to think of entrails as something more, well, entrail-y, ie solid, but I guess that could work.
I understand what you mean with the last line, but something palpable doesn't have to be material. Tension could be palpable; excitement could be palpable; able to be sensed or easily felt, I didn't mean it in a materialistic way. I have a hard time ending things, so I'll work on it. I know, but the usage of palpable in those cases means that they're so intense as to be almost touchable, and since you're talking about a rainstorm, the rejuvenation it brings at the most immediate level is already literally palpable: it's sort of like saying "this cat is like a cat", a redundant metaphor (or something. I bet there's a proper term for this), at least in my mind.

[peacejazzspirit]

I've revised it once more, removed the entrails and changed the last line and the title. Those are the only weak spots that have been addressed so I hope with this revision it will be a better read.

[AndyB]

Hi Peacejazzspirit,

Thank you for sharing this poem about the rejuvenation a thunderstorm can bring. [b]The first few lines I had to read a few times before I understood this was about rain and thunder, but I get the impression it is also a metaphor for an emotional thunderstorm. I think there are some redundancies in your poem that could be removed to make it more concise. I have some suggestions in line below.[/b]

Rev. #2: Blessing in Disguise  I think this title throws the reader off and does not describe what the reader is about to encounter. I though that your first title was more accurate.

Crying tears of joy, Crying tears is redundant, you could simply say Tears of joy
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out, Redundant, booming implies noise
loud roars of freedom and victory Roars implies loud
reverberating from sky to ground. Good audio imagery 
Round and revolving, the mosaic of earth is cleansed, Revolving implies round
rinsed, bathed, Cleansed, rinsed, and bathed are redundancies, the calmness of the words separated by commas works well here, but perhaps different words would be more appropriate
swathed by the clouds. Nice imagery
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation for all canopied by the sky.

[peacejazzspirit]

Hi Peacejazzspirit,

Thank you for sharing this poem about the rejuvenation a thunderstorm can bring. [b]The first few lines I had to read a few times before I understood this was about rain and thunder, but I get the impression it is also a metaphor for an emotional thunderstorm. I think there are some redundancies in your poem that could be removed to make it more concise. I have some suggestions in line below.[/b]

Rev. #2: Blessing in Disguise  I think this title throws the reader off and does not describe what the reader is about to encounter. I though that your first title was more accurate.

Crying tears of joy, Crying tears is redundant, you could simply say Tears of joy
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out, Redundant, booming implies noise
loud roars of freedom and victory Roars implies loud
reverberating from sky to ground. Good audio imagery 
Round and revolving, the mosaic of earth is cleansed, Revolving implies round
rinsed, bathed, Cleansed, rinsed, and bathed are redundancies, the calmness of the words separated by commas works well here, but perhaps different words would be more appropriate
swathed by the clouds. Nice imagery
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation for all canopied by the sky.

Hi and welcome, Andy! I appreciate your feedback; is kind of redundant, now that you point it out. However, I might rephrase it differently than you suggested to keep the conachlonn form I wrote in... i.e., if I were to remove 'crying' from line 1, I would then have to change the last line's ending; also removing 'loud' from line 3 would mean also altering the end of the previoui line. All one big chain, I just need to remove some of the redundant links.

[Gretel]

Hi there,

I like your poem and have a few suggestions. Reading other's comments they are similar to mine:

Crying tears of joy, 
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out;
loud roars of freedom and victory
reverberateing from sky to ground. 
Round and revolving, the mosaic of earth is cleansed- 
rinsed, bathed, and swathed by the clouds.  How do clouds ‘rinse’? I would put the phrase tears of joy here perhaps. 
Oust, for a day, the parching sun! 
Thunderstorms are gifts: you see: 
rejuvenation for all,
canopied by the sky. 

[Jezie]

Hey pjs, everyone has covered what I would suggest as well... I believe these changes would allow the poem to improve greatly... One stickler for me was line 2... Noise of booming laughter... Is laughter a noise or is it an explosion of emotion? Getting better and better each go

[peacejazzspirit]

Hey pjs, everyone has covered what I would suggest as well... I believe these changes would allow the poem to improve greatly... One stickler for me was line 2... Noise of booming laughter... Is laughter a noise or is it an explosion of emotion? Getting better and better each go

Thanks Jezie, I am glad to hear it's improving! Good point, laughter as a noise is not as poetic and accurate as an explosion of emotion... I'll keep working on it.

[peacejazzspirit]

Rev. #3 posted above!

[RiverNotch]

I think this is better. Title's much smoother now, I think, though it implies a level of subjectivity that is missing from the poem. That is, at first glance, I thought this was a song sang by those buoyant spirits, not by what seems to be a passive observer.
Rev. #3: Song of the Buoyant Spirits

Crying with joy,
buoyant spirits thrive; laughter rings out, Not sure about "thrive", especially with the rough placing of these buoyant spirits. Are they spirits of sky, or of rain? I first imagined they were spirits hogging the flood like, well, boats floating on water, with that epithet, but this might be just me. Still, "thrive" implies some level of continuance that isn't as seen here.
loud exclamations of freedom and victory Yes, roars implies loud, but "loud exclamations" sounds like a bit of a mouthful, which is worse. Better to split this from the earlier, possibly with an exclamation point.*
reverberate from sky to ground.
Crowned in cumulonimbus, the mosaic of earth is cleansed, Break "is cleansed", maybe? And cleansed, rinsed, and bathed may be too synonymous to really work here, without any real progression in strength.
rinsed, bathed,
swathed by the clouds. If it's already crowned in clouds, then this to the earth is redundant. "Round and revolving" was better, though not by much. And my mind keeps screaming "swaddled in cloud" is better, but that's mostly just me.*
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation for all canopied by the sky. Much better ending.

* - That is,

"....laughter rings out!
Loud exclamations...."

and

"....the mosaic of earth
is cleansed, rinsed, bathed,
swaddled in cloud."