The Traveler

[spherical]

Revised:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
while siren songs foretell his death

Reflected light forms beacon bright
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers on
He paddles long but only stays

With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heave






Original:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
Blows fore and back from wave to shore
And finds her way to lick his nose
With whiffs of purer lands afar



A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
Its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
An ocean's whisper tells his death



With splintered oar and torpid row
Through murky blend of day and eve
The traveler consents to fate
And musters up a final heave

[QDeathstar]

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
Blows fore and back from wave to shore
And finds her way to lick his nose
With whiffs of purer lands afar poems still need punctuation, loose the ALL CAPS start at each line

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
Its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
An ocean's whisper tells his death this line reads really awkward.. the ocean tells, not the oceans whisper..... also, I think the tense is confused here.

With splintered oar and torpid row
Through murky blend of day and eve
The traveler consents to fate this line cuts sharp... it feels like something is missing, like the line ended too soon...
And musters up a final heave

[spherical]

Thank you, both, for your feedback. It is appreciated.

I have posted a revised version.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey there round one-
Let's have a look...


A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas"nimble"?? to describe a "breeze"??? hmmm
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far"with whiff" is musical enough but... I must say that a appreciate the slant rhymes (I'm a BIG fan)

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chestapt description
its embers stoked with every breathOK
His belly aches with fire alight"alight" breaks the sonics
while siren songs foretell his deathnow a solid rhyme. But this only makes "alight" stick out as more of a mistake

Reflected light forms beacon brightso, OK, you try for the rhyme back to "alight", but possibly too late...
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers onnow that you set-up the "bright/alight" you need another "-ight"
He paddles long but only staysMy attention to the rhyming is throwing off my attention to the content//

With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve"blend"???
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heavedoes not seem to me that our traveler "consents" as "musters" indicates that he's fighting on

Overall, I can see what you're going for, but the vagueness of the story has little impact on me. I want the poem to either drown me outright or cough me up on some forgotten shore...

... Mark

[spherical]

Thank you, Mark. Great pointers.

Spoiler alert: He dies, but by his own hand: a final "heave" perhaps tossing himself to the sea, though the reader could interpret it another way. I wanted it to be a bit mysterious, though not so much it confuses the reader. I'll poke at it. Thanks again.

Hey there round one-
Let's have a look...


A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas"nimble"?? to describe a "breeze"???  hmmm
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far"with whiff" is musical enough but...  I must say that a appreciate the slant rhymes (I'm a BIG fan)

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chestapt description
its embers stoked with every breathOK
His belly aches with fire alight"alight" breaks the sonics
while siren songs foretell his deathnow a solid rhyme.  But this only makes "alight" stick out as more of a mistake

Reflected light forms beacon brightso, OK, you try for the rhyme back to "alight", but possibly too late...
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers onnow that you set-up the "bright/alight" you need another "-ight"
He paddles long but only staysMy attention to the rhyming is throwing off my attention to the content//

With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve"blend"???  
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heavedoes not seem to me that our traveler "consents" as "musters" indicates that he's fighting on

Overall, I can see what you're going for, but the vagueness of the story has little impact on me.  I want the poem to either drown me outright or cough me up on some forgotten shore...

... Mark

[Jezie]

Hi,  I cannot get my device to agree to quote,  I hope this will make sense.  
This is a nice read, interested in seeing how it goes .   I agree about the "bend" of  day and eve... To me it has been more of a meeting.  But I still oddly like the line,  but it interrupts the reading as a whole.. . S3 L2 I really like the image it calls...

[H[a/o]llowheart]

I enjoyed the flow of the poem a lot, and certain descriptions like the breeze licking his nose and the fire in chest being stoked with his breath were great. However, it seems contradictory that you would describe the sailor as being passionate (the burning flame metaphor) one moment, then quickly transitioning into melancholy and exhaustion the next. Maybe blend them together a bit so that some of the tiredness he feels is expressed at the beginning as well, so it's not a jarring shift in emotion. Or at least show the transition from one to the other. Keep sailing!

[spherical]

Great feedback - thank you kindly. This poem is about suicide and the journey to a "good death". I wanted to convey both a zest and passion for life and death alike, but also the complete exhaustion brought upon by it. I will try to find a better way to make that come across.

I enjoyed the flow of the poem a lot, and certain descriptions like the breeze licking his nose and the fire in chest being stoked with his breath were great. However, it seems contradictory that you would describe the sailor as being passionate (the burning flame metaphor) one moment, then quickly transitioning into melancholy and exhaustion the next. Maybe blend them together a bit so that some of the tiredness he feels is expressed at the beginning as well, so it's not a jarring shift in emotion. Or at least show the transition from one to the other. Keep sailing!

[toinfinity]

I really enjoyed this, and although I think the edit is improved, I think some peoples critiques of it are a little harsh.

A nimble wind is great! Why does it have to make literal sense? I don't think it needs to, just visual sense. It conjures up an image of the wind through the pirates eyes, as a source of adventure.

I don't have much to say on this other than I really liked it, and I think you're a good writer.

[billy]

some people's critique of the poem may be harsh, it's a workshop, try and focus on the poem and not other members feedback; i'm sure the poets is capable of doing that themselves. mod

I really enjoyed this, and although I think the edit is improved, I think some peoples critiques of it are a little harsh.

A nimble wind is great! Why does it have to make literal sense? I don't think it needs to, just visual sense. It conjures up an image of the wind through the pirates eyes, as a source of adventure.

I don't have much to say on this other than I really liked it, and I think you're a good writer.

[Weeded]

Revised:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far
I like this line because it redirects the readers thoughts to what's the sailors fate.

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
This is the only line with 9 syllables. Any reason why?
while siren songs foretell his death
You do a good job at keeping the sailors fate at bay- maybe "foretell" is a little too strong, too soon?

Reflected light forms beacon bright
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers on
He paddles long but only stays

With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve
For the "blend.." you have a lot of consonance going on here. Maybe add some more alliteration for extra effect?
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heave






Original:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
Blows fore and back from wave to shore
And finds her way to lick his nose
With whiffs of purer lands afar



A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
Its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
An ocean's whisper tells his death



With splintered oar and torpid row
Through murky blend of day and eve
The traveler consents to fate
And musters up a final heave

I like how this poem is straightforward in the character and setting, yet the actual plot is semi hidden. What I mean is this poem doesn't really scream out to the reader "death" until certain trigger words like fate, and final. The one time the word death is actually used can  also be miscontrued- maybe emphasize that idea so the reader doesn't actually know for sure death is certain outcome until the last stanza.

[spherical]

Great feedback and much appreciated. I will take these things into account - I agree with all of them.

Thank you kindly.

Revised:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far
I like this line because it redirects the readers thoughts to what's the sailors fate.

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
This is the only line with 9 syllables. Any reason why?
while siren songs foretell his death
You do a good job at keeping the sailors fate at bay- maybe "foretell" is a little too strong, too soon?

Reflected light forms beacon bright
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers on
He paddles long but only stays

With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve
For the "blend.." you have a lot of consonance going on here. Maybe add some more alliteration for extra effect?
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heave






Original:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
Blows fore and back from wave to shore
And finds her way to lick his nose
With whiffs of purer lands afar



A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
Its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
An ocean's whisper tells his death



With splintered oar and torpid row
Through murky blend of day and eve
The traveler consents to fate
And musters up a final heave

I like how this poem is straightforward in the character and setting, yet the actual plot is semi hidden. What I mean is this poem doesn't really scream out to the reader "death" until certain trigger words like fate, and final. The one time the word death is actually used can  also be miscontrued- maybe emphasize that idea so the reader doesn't actually know for sure death is certain outcome until the last stanza.

[ZacharyTwedell]

Revised:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
while siren songs foretell his death

Reflected light forms beacon bright
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers on
He paddles long but only stays

With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heave






Original:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
Blows fore and back from wave to shore
And finds her way to lick his nose
With whiffs of purer lands afar



A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
Its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
An ocean's whisper tells his death



With splintered oar and torpid row
Through murky blend of day and eve
The traveler consents to fate
And musters up a final heave

After about the twelve time, I've hit reply. For though the length, my adventure seemed more continous that. I'm overwhelmed, from the vocabulary to the believability. Then of course the excellent send off. Stupendous, I tip my pen to you.