Columbia

[Cousin Kil]

COLUMBIA

the capital club
zero-lot lined
in their red light district
fishnet attorneys sternly slurping
tannins out of sippy cups,
no worry
‘cause it’s easy,
chuck the plastic in the drain and
the checks out the bank,
aqueduct it to the kind of kind
men who’ll fix your tax
adjusted time in bombs
and the length of red tape
to their legs,
and their rods,
under their suits the porno shoot
is explicit, so silver
screen the calls to god before
it smells like fish in the district
too late,
He jumped off the railing
while we were sailing
for the new world,
old girl,
beat her up,
roll her over
in bed with a politician

[abu nuwas]

I think this needs a few more verbs. It reads now as if the scriptor were getting a buzz out of referring to sex. Sorry I can make no more helpful comment than to suggest you write your story in prose, and then ask what is gained by having it in poetry.

[kaxtar1]

COLUMBIA

the capital club
zero-plot lined
in their red light district
fishnet attorneys slurping sternly
tannins out of sippy cups,
no worry
‘cause it’s easy,
chuck the plastic in the drain and
the checks out the bank,
aqueduct it to the kind of kind
men who’ll fix your tax
adjusted time in bombs
and the length of red tape
to their legs,
and their rods,
under their suits the porno shoot
is explicit, so silver
screen the calls to god before
it smells like fish in the district
too late,
he jumped off the railing
while we were sailing
for the new world,
old girl,
beat her up,
roll her over
in bed with a politician

This poem made me smile because it shines with raw talent and efficiency.  The phrasing is deadly precise and lets your mind wander in the story of the POEM.  That being said, I BELIEVE the poem focuses on the disrepair of the country formally known as Columbia.  Personally, the poem is fantastic and the flaws in it only stylize the flawed nature of the place you took me to.  It probably would never be published in this format but it's so good it wouldn't be worth changing.  The only part I don't get is the part where the man jumps off the railing, if the narrative would be consistent the girl would be pushed off the railing.  Any explaining would be notedly welcomed


QUICK EDIT: If you wanna see more positive and raving reviews, dumb down the vehicle for your message, most people, even intelligent people could piece this piece together, but seeing the cleverness in it and connecting the stray bullets (see silver screen/porno) would be very difficult for most people.

[Cousin Kil]

Abu,
I've thought about your input and while I appreciate it, I have to disagree. That being said, it is a problem if the message isn't clear enough that I have to fill in the gaps, but I am a little in love with the rapidity I wrote this one in.

This poem is about DC
I did get a buzz out of equating what goes on in DC to sex because politics is perverse. It's an old complaint, maybe overused, but I felt like writing about it none the less.

The poem is entitled Columbia because DC is the District of Columbia, and Columbia is the feminine symbol of freedom, democracy, and so forth. The "he" in the poem refers to God, referred to three lines behind "he jumped off the railing".

I think upon reading this and rereading the poem, the rest will fall in place for understanding the poem.

Kaxtar,
I really appreciate your warm reception of this one and I'm glad you thought so highly of it. Sorry the meaning wasn't clear enough, but I'm unsure if I'll rewrite this one or just move on.

Thank you both, I appreciate the comments!

[fluorescent.43]

COLUMBIA

the capital club
zero-lot lined
in their red light district can't decide if i like the vagueness of 'their', since it doesn't have a subject.
fishnet attorneys slurping sternly line break or not, you can't slurp a 'sternly tannin' out of a sippy cup. unless you have some punctuation magic in mind.
tannins out of sippy cups,
no worry
‘cause it’s easy, so many commas,
chuck the plastic in the drain and  
the checks out the bank, really like the mood created in these two lines.
aqueduct it to the kind of kind the usage of 'aqueduct' as a verb...? also, do you use a random spin to select where your line breaks fall?
men who’ll fix your tax
adjusted time in bombs i like the phrase 'tax-adjusted time'. funny somehow.
and the length of red tape
to their legs,
and their rods, much lol.
under their suits the porno shoot
is explicit, so silver dear god these line breaks are killing me
screen the calls to god before
it smells like fish in the district feel like there should be a period here, since it feels like the end of a thought, but this is just a feeling, ya feel?
too late,
he jumped off the railing
while we were sailing huh. rhyme.
for the new world,
old girl,
beat her up,you lost me in the last few lines.
roll her over
in bed with a politician damn that is a ton of commas... but i get a government-y feel from this poem. like a commentary on something.

(i did a bad thing and read the critiques before i wrote this one. oh well. i can't help it sometimes. )

i've read your poetry before and you've got this really nice, distinctive style that definitely isn't verbose or overly complex or overly simplistic either. i really like the image you create with the choice of your words; (but i vaguely recall saying this before) i think the image could be clearer and more well-defined. not "dumbed-down" in content as the above critic says, but just sharper. more in-focus. your lines are short and really the only sort of punctuation you've got is a comma here and there, so i admit it was hard to read in one whole chunk. i've got the attention span of a dead goldfish (assume all readers do) so i guess that doesn't help either.

there were some phrases, some lines in this that i really liked even i didn't completely get... but i'd really like to see you slurp a sternly tannin, because somehow that image is hilarious. i get a sarcastic, almost dry feeling from this poem (which is probably why my critique turned out that way)... if you mean to be unconventional with the way you write you're on the right path... but who're you writing for? if you intend to keep your style of poetry near-incomprehensible but still-kind-of-lovely, don't assume that us readers are all intelligent beings capable of running with your train of thought.

anyways, had fun with this! hope you edit and if not, oh well. i always enjoy reading what you write.

43.

[Cousin Kil]

Thanks 43

I appreciate the critique! I'm unsure whether I'll move any further with it, at least for the time being, but its definitely something I'll hang on to.

I totally understand/agree with the pratfalls of the poem. On this one, I got super excited with the speed of its read and ran with it, but re-reading it a couple times after people's comments I see where it has its faults. Looking back, a good portion of the line breaks are unnecessary so that's definitely a place to start. Also I'm a comma-addict, I know haha. It's the balance between brevity and understanding I'll have to work at... but everyone's critiques are definitely pushing me in the right direction, so thanks guys

Anyways, glad you enjoyed it regardless

Thanks
Cousin