Late again edit 1 (Leanne)

[Keith]

Edit 3 todd chris ray

We were always late on Mondays,
snow only made it worse.

The light was just behind us,
a cold night's eye opened as you drove.
half asleep I watched the morning making shapes,
dropping through mist pockets
feeling gray-scale against the Mexico’s yellow.
Gently we drifted, millimeters above the apex.

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are splendid and solid.
If you think you might die,
then its shape will be quite dramatic
against the planted bulbs and hand-placed flowers,
a pilgrimage for family and friends,
to find you for a while.

The force broke both my legs.
I couldn't cry,
I had to listen to you choke
as the engine burbled a soliloquy.

Edit 2
We were always late on a Mondays,
snow only made it worse.

The light was behind us,
a cold night's eye opened as you drove,
half asleep I felt gray-scale
against the Mexico’s yellow.
We moved with morning shapes
shifting under pockets of mist.
Gently we drifted,
millimeters above the apex.

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are splendid and solid.
If you think you might die,
then its shape will be quite dramatic
against the planted bulbs
and hand-placed flowers,
a pilgrimage
for family and friends
to find you for a while.
But the plastic wallet
with your picture fades
and flower stems
forget their colour.

The force broke both my legs.
I couldn't cry-
I had to listen to you choke.
In class they waited,
someone made a joke
about crash test dummies,
it turned out to be true.

Original
We were always late on a Mondays,
snow only made it worse,
the college canteen would be wet with slush.
KitKat’s and dish-water coffe
half dispensed and left behind as a warning.
Plastic chairs with cigarette burns
flipped for exiting legs.
Corridors echo empty as cleaners complain
again about the state of the place
and the disgrace of kids today.

The light was just behind us,
a cold nights eye opened as you drove.
half asleep I watched the morning making shapes,
dropping through mountain mist pockets
feeling gray-scale against the Mexico’s yellow.
Gently we drifted, millimeters above the apex
then gone like smoke in a draft

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are both splendid and solid.
If you think you might die,
then it’s shape will be quite dramatic
against the planted bulbs and hand placed flowers.

The force broke both my legs,  
I couldn't cry
I had to listen to you choke.
They were waiting in class,
someone made a joke about us crashing,
it turned out to be sick.

[Todd]

Keith,

You're putting out some really beautiful work right now. This one, and the other one of yours I read with a sort of alien abduction theme was just stellar. I'm going to give this some more thought, and while I know Miscellaneous doesn't require critique, I might be back to give you some. Right now, I'm simply appreciating the poem.

It is very good work.

Best,

Todd

[Keith]

Keith,

You're putting out some really beautiful work right now. This one, and the other one of yours I read with a sort of alien abduction theme was just stellar. I'm going to give this some more thought, and while I know Miscellaneous doesn't require critique, I might be back to give you some. Right now, I'm simply appreciating the poem.

It is very good work.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd
Thank you very much, I really appreciate your comments, and if you do pop back, you know I'm always happy to get critique Best Keith

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Keith,

Perhaps, I needed to see the original poem to better decipher this edit,
as I am having some trouble with the punctuation. On the other hand,
it may just be me, but I will share my difficulties anyway.

I think you need a semicolon after ‘us’ and period after ‘drove.’ If these are correct,
you should employ a comma after ‘asleep’ and another comma should be placed
after ‘tree.’

Does 'it's shape' refer to the tree? If so, then where you have placed, ‘…a pilgrimage…,’
seems off (it's shape is a pilgrimage?). Since, I don’t see a reference to such a trip
preceding this particular clause, the line is a bit of a sore thumb to me.

In the last line of the third stanza, ‘But’ may not be needed, as what follows
does not connect well with the previous line.

In the close, you speak of the force effect prior to indicating a crash. You only presuppose one
by using 'if'. Why not just, ‘Both legs broken,’ and finish with ‘that I knew to be true.’

See what you think
or tell me to get out of the fog!

Cheers/Chris

[rayheinrich]

Well... since you invited crit:

The edit, while good, leaves out some necessary details contained in the first draft.
(This happens to me all the time; it's kinda easy to do when they're both in your head.)

"A cold night's eye opened as you drove" - Such an over-blown metaphor would be
right-at-home in a hard-boiled detective novel; but, unless you want to re-write
this as a parody, you need to find something subtler.

The current "Cedars" stanza has had its ironic heart cut out of it. The original, while in need
of a bit of editing, was much better. In the context of the entire poem, this stanza provides
the reader the emotional relief necessary to experience the severity of the rest.

I'd take out the whole bit about the class, it's not believable (even if it happened)
and pushes this poem -- already melodramatic -- over the edge.

You should save your heightened emotions for "I had to listen to you choke".
It leaps over the edge and flies back... VERY believable.

Maybe you should think about reversing the order of events in the poem.
You could start, like many movies do, with the end event: the injury and the death.
The Cedar stanza would come next, followed by the events and that led up to it.
I think this would defuse the melodramatic aspect of the poem and thereby enhance
its emotional effect.

Ray

[Keith]

Hello Keith,

Perhaps, I needed to see the original poem to better decipher this edit,
as I am having some trouble with the punctuation. On the other hand,
it may just be me, but I will share my difficulties anyway.

I think you need a semicolon after ‘us’ and period after ‘drove.’ If these are correct,
you should employ a comma after ‘asleep’ and another comma should be placed
after ‘tree.’

Does 'it's shape' refer to the tree? If so, then where you have placed, ‘…a pilgrimage…,’
seems off (it's shape is a pilgrimage?). Since, I don’t see a reference to such a trip
preceding this particular clause, the line is a bit of a sore thumb to me.

In the last line of the third stanza, ‘But’ may not be needed, as what follows
does not connect well with the previous line.

In the close, you speak of the force effect prior to indicating a crash. You only presuppose one
by using 'if'. Why not just, ‘Both legs broken,’ and finish with ‘that I knew to be true.’

See what you think
or tell me to get out of the fog!

Cheers/Chris

Thank you Chris, I have put up the original that Leanne gave me feedback on, thank you for your feedback I will have another edit. Best Keith

---

Well... since you invited crit:

The edit, while good, leaves out some necessary details contained in the first draft.
(This happens to me all the time; it's kinda easy to do when they're both in your head.)

"A cold night's eye opened as you drove" - Such an over-blown metaphor would be
right-at-home in a hard-boiled detective novel; but, unless you want to re-write
this as a parody, you need to find something subtler.

The current "Cedars" stanza has had its ironic heart cut out of it. The original, while in need
of a bit of editing, was much better. In the context of the entire poem, this stanza provides
the reader the emotional relief necessary to experience the severity of the rest.

I'd take out the whole bit about the class, it's not believable (even if it happened)
and pushes this poem -- already melodramatic -- over the edge.

You should save your heightened emotions for "I had to listen to you choke".
It leaps over the edge and flies back... VERY believable.

Maybe you should think about reversing the order of events in the poem.
You could start, like many movies do, with the end event: the injury and the death.
The Cedar stanza would come next, followed by the events and that led up to it.
I think this would defuse the melodramatic aspect of the poem and thereby enhance
its emotional effect.

Ray

Again many thanks Ray, all good stuff I can use, I will use this for the edit. Best Keith

[Todd]

Let me take a pass at this one;

We were always late on a Mondays,--I hadn't noticed the "a" on my earlier read. Is that an unintended typo.
snow only made it worse.--I don't actually have a huge problem with these opening lines. I don't know if they add much more than the title does though. When you give the sense of lateness with the title you introduce tension. I'm not sure how Monday or the snow add anything later in the poem. So, you might be able to cut the lines entirely. 

The light was behind us,
a cold night's eye opened as you drove,--I like this image. It sets up driving at night with headlights behind the speaker. I guess it could also be the moon or the soon rising sun, but I'm thinking headlights. It also gives a sense of death that ultimate cold night. So it builds tension.
half asleep I felt gray-scale --I'd rather you show me half asleep than tell me.
against the Mexico’s yellow.--I love this introduction of color and kind of making the speaker a gray not entirely real thing. The phrasing is really nice here also.
We moved with morning shapes
shifting under pockets of mist.
Gently we drifted,
millimeters above the apex.--The vague choice (good) of morning shapes and pockets of mist give an unreal dreamy quality to the scene. If you can suggest half asleep above this will reinforce it. I like your m and sh sounds especially through this part.

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are splendid and solid.--The upbeat town of this provides a bit of tension relief. Its unexpected.
If you think you might die,
then its shape will be quite dramatic
against the planted bulbs
and hand-placed flowers,
a pilgrimage
for family and friends
to find you for a while.--I'm not sold on "for a while" I think cutting and maybe introducing in the next words (But soon or But eventually"
But the plastic wallet
with your picture fades
and flower stems
forget their colour.--Kind of going back to the earlier gray-scale. Things become more unreal.

The force broke both my legs.
I couldn't cry-
I had to listen to you choke.---This might want a connection to the last line. Maybe "as I listened..."
In class they waited,
someone made a joke
about crash test dummies,
it turned out to be true.

This sets a scene and a reliable tone. There is a sense of moving between the real, and what isn't quite real as a means of coping. I still find the work quite strong and moving. I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[NobodyNothing]

I just love reading the thoughtful critiques of poems on this site like these.  I still don't have the skills/knowledge to render such responses.  I'm always like "I like this", or "this sucks".

[Keith]

Let me take a pass at this one;

We were always late on a Mondays,--I hadn't noticed the "a" on my earlier read. Is that an unintended typo.
snow only made it worse.--I don't actually have a huge problem with these opening lines. I don't know if they add much more than the title does though. When you give the sense of lateness with the title you introduce tension. I'm not sure how Monday or the snow add anything later in the poem. So, you might be able to cut the lines entirely. 

The light was behind us,
a cold night's eye opened as you drove,--I like this image. It sets up driving at night with headlights behind the speaker. I guess it could also be the moon or the soon rising sun, but I'm thinking headlights. It also gives a sense of death that ultimate cold night. So it builds tension.
half asleep I felt gray-scale --I'd rather you show me half asleep than tell me.
against the Mexico’s yellow.--I love this introduction of color and kind of making the speaker a gray not entirely real thing. The phrasing is really nice here also.
We moved with morning shapes
shifting under pockets of mist.
Gently we drifted,
millimeters above the apex.--The vague choice (good) of morning shapes and pockets of mist give an unreal dreamy quality to the scene. If you can suggest half asleep above this will reinforce it. I like your m and sh sounds especially through this part.

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are splendid and solid.--The upbeat town of this provides a bit of tension relief. Its unexpected.
If you think you might die,
then its shape will be quite dramatic
against the planted bulbs
and hand-placed flowers,
a pilgrimage
for family and friends
to find you for a while.--I'm not sold on "for a while" I think cutting and maybe introducing in the next words (But soon or But eventually"
But the plastic wallet
with your picture fades
and flower stems
forget their colour.--Kind of going back to the earlier gray-scale. Things become more unreal.

The force broke both my legs.
I couldn't cry-
I had to listen to you choke.---This might want a connection to the last line. Maybe "as I listened..."
In class they waited,
someone made a joke
about crash test dummies,
it turned out to be true.

This sets a scene and a reliable tone. There is a sense of moving between the real, and what isn't quite real as a means of coping. I still find the work quite strong and moving. I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd

Sorry Todd I had missed this, you make some excellent comments here and I'm really not sure about the opening now I already cut a stanza about the canteen but I always write to much anyway. Thanks for this I plan to edit with your help. Best Keith

---

I just love reading the thoughtful critiques of poems on this site like these.  I still don't have the skills/knowledge to render such responses.  I'm always like "I like this", or "this sucks".

You know, I like this or this sucks, only needs a because...... and you have yourself some feedback....I should take a leaf from my own book