Amber Waves

[Misanthrope]

Here comes the floating sea of Monarch butterflies 
The amber waves rush to milkweed near the cornfield 
Each spring they come beneath the foamy aqua skies 
Desire for this plants’ shield has made their fate sealed 

This nectar is now poisoned by the acts of man 
Descending, tasting their sweet safety unaware 
Selfish goals were behind the despicable plan
One by one fall, in despair, kings out of the air

Their decaying wings are perfect symbols of sin
There is no crueler way to kill, than from within

[JS]

Hi Misanthrope - I enjoyed this poem and the message it portrays, however it took me a couple tries  reading it to fully understand what you were trying to say. I think it's because the layout of some of the lines felt disjointed. Here's a couple of suggestions I thought could help the flow:

Here comes the floating sea of Monarch butterflies
The amber waves rush to milkweed near the cornfield
Each spring they come beneath the foamy aqua skies
Desire for this plants’ shield has made their fate sealed (But this plant's shield ensures their fate is sealed)

This nectar is now poisoned by the acts of man
Descending, tasting their sweet safety, unaware
Selfish goals were behind the despicable plan
One by one fall, in despair, kings out of the air

Their decaying wings are perfect symbols of sin
There is no crueler way to kill, than from within

[John]

Here comes the floating sea of Monarch butterflies 
The amber waves rush to milkweed near the cornfield 
Each spring they come beneath the foamy aqua skies 
Desire for this plants’ shield has made their fate sealed 

This nectar is now poisoned by the acts of man 
Descending, tasting their sweet safety unaware 
Selfish goals were behind the despicable plan
One by one fall, in despair, kings out of the air

Their decaying wings are perfect symbols of sin
There is no crueler way to kill, than from within

Hi, Mis. You've got some interesting imagery here, but it's conflated and the whole is consequently wordy. For example, Monarchs as kings of the air are also a floating sea and amber waves. And then there's conflation between sea/waves and foamy aqua skies. Mish-mash.

You could cut down the wordiness and strengthen the poem by not mixing metaphors and chopping out a few. For example:

Springtime,
and amber waves of Monarch butterflies
roll over poisoned milkweed.

That sort of idea. Punchy, and hopefully the reader will want more after poisoned milkweed.

In all that poem, you've got three apostrophes and nothing else. If three are important, then the rest of the work deserves properly punctuating.

Just a couple of ideas you may be able to use if you want to work them through the rest of the poem.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.

[thewatson]

Keep in mind I'm new to poetry, but I think this is an awesome piece of work. The symbolism behind it, like the first comment states, it takes a couple times to read to really understand, but when you get it you really get it. 

As other critics have mentioned, a few words could be changed for the symbolism to prevail. And I think I would subtract a few words... But that's just me, we all have our own style and we all have appreciation for other styles.

I would change foamy aqua skies... Too cloudy skies.

And I think to be grammatically correct, "this plants' shield" should be, "these plants" Shields"
Unless you mean a singular plant in which case, it should be "plant's"

I don't know, simply some constructive criticism . I really like the idea of the whole poem

[QDeathstar]

My only critique or comment would be to reconsider the title.. All I can think of when reading it is Amber Waves of grain from America America

[Mark A Becker]

Hello MisA-

I usually do not comment on a comment, but in this case I must agree with QD that I immediately had the song (America) competing for space in my head, and that's not a good thing.

Likewise, the comments made by John are worthy of being taken seriously.  

Personally, I think you need to lose any word that is not working, and that is up to you to figure out.  

Some in-line suggestions, below:

Here comes the floating sea of Monarch butterflies
The amber waves rush to milkweed near the cornfield mixed metaphor alert:  are they "amber waves"  (like grain) or waves from a "floating sea" .  Mixing metaphors adds confusion right out of the gate. Please be careful...
Each spring they come beneath the foamy aqua skies "foamy" seems a bit much, eh?
Desire for this plants’ shield has made their fate sealed you lnow that "nectar" is coming in the next line, but the reader does not.  I had no clue what the "shield" was doing other than forcing a rhyme with "sealed"

This nectar is now poisoned by the acts of man On about the 3rd time time through I finally equated "nectar" with "shield".  Also, archaic language is not helping here, ie "acts of man"
Descending, tasting their sweet safety unaware HUH??  Is "sweet safety" still another way of saying "nectar"?'
Selfish goals were behind the despicable plan what despicable plan?  DDT?
One by one fall, in despair, kings out of the airoddly constructed sentence to force  "air" to rhyme w/ "unaware"

Their decaying wings are perfect symbols of sinsorry, but "sin" is too obviously forced to rhyme with "within".   What the heck are "symbols of sin" anyway?
There is no crueler way to kill, than from withinI am not convinced, as I can probably think of several cruelerer ways of killing from the outside, in

Every line starting with a CAP only contributes to the confusion
Caused by the partial use of punctuation
When periods are left out, but commas left in

The content is worthy of a next draft, and I look forward to it.

Thanks for posting,
... Mark

My only critique or comment would be to reconsider the title.. All I can think of when reading it is Amber Waves of grain from America America

[spherical]

I think it's a gorgeous poem. This message is a worthy one and the tone felt appropriate to me. It reads like it may have been a touch forced - perhaps a bit wordy.

If you find that you are over-editing, I would suggest taking a break for some period of time before editing again.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.