08-24-2015, 01:42 PM (This post was last modified: 03-21-2017, 06:40 AM by Todd.)
Revision 4
A line of soldiers
slumps with shirts untucked.
No longer at attention,
one of them begins to tap tap tap
his foot like a leaking faucet
that distracts you from sleep.
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
These hyperactive children
mainline sugar. Tiny cockroaches
scurry out of focus
into the uncertain darkness
of middle age.
Revision 3
A line of soldiers
slumps with shirts untucked,
and one's foot drips
like a faucet with a tap tap tapping.
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
These hyperactive children
mainline sugar. Tiny cockroaches
scurry out of focus
into the uncertain darkness
of middle age.
~~
Revision 2.1
A line of soldiers
slumps with untucked shirts,
and one is tapping his foot
with the rhythm of a dripping faucet.
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
Now, they are hyperactive children
mainlining sugar, tiny cockroaches
sliding in and out of focus
scurrying into the cold darkness
of middle age.
~~~
Revision
What was once a rigid line of soldiers
slumps with untucked shirts, and someone
is tapping their foot like a dripping faucet.
They are hyperactive children
mainlining sugar, tiny cockroaches
that scurry in and out
of focus, hiding in the cold darkness
of middle age.
~~~~
Original
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
The words are hyperactive
children mainlining sugar;
tiny cockroaches scurrying
into the cold darkness
of middle age.
~~~
Edit: Changed the title from Bifocals to Reading with Bifocals, made some other changes reflecting on the comments.
Made another quick edit based on Tom's comments (still thinking about the faucet part) not enough to justify a revision--though I did readjust many of the breaks.
Rev 2: I owe quix's fine eye for this hopeful step forward. I incorporated quite a few of her suggestions, and adjusted the line breaks some.
Rev 2.1: Chris, I think after ten or so reads I agree, once rigid is implied. That change I will make and while there is a part of me of me that might think to move slumps up to line one, I think I like the sense of discovery by leaving it on line 2. Thanks again.
Rev.3: Adjusted some lines from Lizzie's comments.
(08-24-2015, 01:42 PM)Todd Wrote: Hi todd,
good to see your stuff again. I am poor at translation but this one reads like a "My first is in "sound", but not in "motion"..." puzzle and I cannot get out of that frame of mind. Accordingly, the fine point may be lost on me as I just don't see it...where the hell are my glasses...?
What started with sound
has ended in motion. Statemental openers are usually the first step into explanatory territory...you know. "Mary had a litle lamb"...statement. Now, about this lamb . "Its fleece was white as snow AND....."if you get my drift. Not so here. We go "sound" to "motion" to "words", which are sound again. I am struggling.
The words are hyperactive ..but this is a great metaphor which may be core. If so, this could be the opening line...or more to the (my) point, the first sentence would become the last sentence. Just a thought.
children mainlining sugar;
tiny cockroaches scurrying
into the cold darkness
of middle age.
(08-24-2015, 01:42 PM)Todd Wrote: What started with sound has ended in motion.
The words are hyperactive
children mainlining sugar;
tiny cockroaches scurrying
into the cold darkness
of middle age.
not much to do with this one, i like the title a lot, [for me] it hints at gran or gramps looking through the top half of their glasses, watching kids growing up. and as such creates a good image with a single word. no suggestions as to how but i'd like to see a bit more
What started with innocent
sounds ended in chaotic motion. Squabbling
hyperactive children mainlining sugar turned them into methed-up cockroaches
scurrying in and out of the focus
of middle age.
Then what? ... seems like an ending is needed.
Anywho, take it or leave it, just some thoughts, as usual.
08-25-2015, 02:27 AM (This post was last modified: 08-25-2015, 02:32 AM by Todd.)
Thanks all, I appreciate all the comments on this short piece.
Tom: I get what you're saying about the opening and possibly moving something else in there. This had another title originally (ten minutes before I posted) that might have worked better with the line. The opening probably does need some work to be more evocative.
Billy: You made a similar point that Mark made in your closing words. Its possible what this needs is a longer more frantic build up. Meaning the words slip in and out of focus (good call by Mark) and then keep escalating into a war with the speaker...ending with something like what I have I think. Appreciate the read and the comments.
Mark: Some good suggestions. I could swear I saw something different from you when I was looking on my phone (I just refuse to type in the forum on that thing). Some good suggestions. I like how you joined the two metaphors. I think you're right like I said above to Billy that it needs more build up for the ending to work. Appreciate it.
What was once a rigid line of soldiers
slumps with untucked shirts, and someone
is tapping their foot like a dripping faucet. some ONE, his foot, surely Watch out for misplaced metaphorical subject...when is a foot like a faucet? When it's tapping. Huh? Someone is tapping HIS foot which sounds LIKE a dripping faucet. Pedantic point but it is easily made safe.
Hyperactive children mainlining sugar,
tiny cockroaches that scurry in and out
of focus, hiding in the cold darkness
of middle age. Not a sentence, Todd.
What happened to the core of the original...it seems to have been eaten away. I am seeing a change of expressed intent in this edit which makes me uncertain of your certainty. If this wasn't an edit.....
Best,
tectak
~~~~
Original
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
The words are hyperactive
children mainlining sugar;
tiny cockroaches scurrying
into the cold darkness
of middle age.
~~~
Edit: Changed the title from Bifocals to Reading with Bifocals, made some other changes reflecting on the comments.
I see your point on the foot/faucet I'll give it some thought. You know, I saw that the last part wasn't a sentence when I killed the being verb than I went off to fix something else and didn't think of it again. Stupid short term memory, I'll fix that while I consider your other point.
To your other statement, Tom. I still see the core of it, but maybe its more changed than I think. Revision two steps forward, a skip and a stumble back.
(08-25-2015, 11:18 PM)Todd Wrote: I see your point on the foot/faucet I'll give it some thought. You know, I saw that the last part wasn't a sentence when I killed the being verb than I went off to fix something else and didn't think of it again. Stupid short term memory, I'll fix that while I consider your other point.
To your other statement, Tom. I still see the core of it, but maybe its more changed than I think. Revision two steps forward, a skip and a stumble back.
Thanks,
Todd
Hi Todd,
It is the "absoluteness" of that beautiful sentence "What started with sound has ended has ended with motion" that I most miss. I seemed to me to so encapsulating and end-suited that I almost breathed out a gestaltalation (and if that ain't a word it should be)
Core metaphors are one thing but nothing beats a germane ending...proof here the way I see it. Others may (will) disagree.
We shall see.
Best,
tectak
I get what you're saying Tom. I wasn't sure that opening was strong enough. It could be that it was, and that the title change would have accomplished what I needed. I guess that's the danger of making too many changes at once, especially in a short piece. I'll consider bringing it back--no promises though.
Based on the title and the ending, I am reading this with the understanding that all the action in this poem is accomplished by the letters on the page of the book that the speaker is attempting to read. The bifocals are proving unreliable and as a result the words are misbehaving etc. Honestly, the first time through I thought it was a rant about hyperactive kids and how these days they're all just sugar addicts. However, children don't often hide in the darkness of middle age ... I hope.
I love the bit about the letters slouching with untucked shirts, or the idea that one is just wobbling all around more than the rest. I put your "sound/motion" bit in the middle because the first part ends with a tapping sound, then you move on to the scurrying motion of the sugar addicted cockroach children or whatever they are. Really I love this, and was just having a bit of fun playing with your toys.
-Quix
(08-24-2015, 01:42 PM)Todd Wrote: Revisiond
A line of soldiers, once rigid,
slumps with untucked shirts, and one
is tapping his foot with the rhythm
of a dripping faucet. What started with sound
has ended in motion. Now they are hyperactive children
mainlining sugar, tiny cockroaches
that scurry in and out
of focus, hiding in the cold darkness
of middle age. I actually liked your first ending, just "scurrying into the cold darkness of middle age" I think it got the point across just as well, and it had more grip .. or oomph or whatever you want to call it.
~~~~
Original
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
The words are hyperactive
children mainlining sugar;
tiny cockroaches scurrying
into the cold darkness
of middle age.
~~~
Edit: Changed the title from Bifocals to Reading with Bifocals, made some other changes reflecting on the comments.
Made another quick edit based on Tom's comments (still thinking about the faucet part) not enough to justify a revision--though I did readjust many of the breaks.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
you clever bugger i think.
your poem is about the words on a page, and how they look depending on what part of the bifocals you peer through. if i'm correct then the revision works and needs nowt else, if i'm wrong we're both screwed
Hey Quix, thanks for the comments. I think you found a way to salvage my original opening. I'm also giving some thoughts to reintroducing scurrying. Very much appreciated.
Billy: Yes, you have the sense of it. Thanks for weighing in.
Also Quix, love the economy of your new line 1. That was a good amount of edit suggestions that play well with the tone of the flavor of the piece. I might take them as the stand, which I rarely do. I'll be thinking about it.
The poem is coming along nicely Todd. Nonetheless, I don't think you need the 'once rigid.'
It almost serves as a spoiler for me. 'A line of soldiers' already implies tidiness and discipline
and it nicely falls into chaos with your next line.
I am not making the 'sound' to 'motion' connection or transition well enough. In my three reads,
I keep wanting to change it to something like 'What started in stasis has ended in motion.'
However, that may change your meaning and purpose herein.
Finally, I think the title could be trimmed to simply 'Bifocal.' 'Reading...' really doesn't play to the poem.
'Bifocal' singular would still tie in with 'middle age' (the glasses implication),
while also imply two viewpoints.
See what you think. It's great to see you posting more. I have to get my own fracking ass
in gear and finish working on the half dozen or so drafts clogging up my user control panel.
Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Appreciate the comments. You may be right about once rigid (I'll give it some thought). I'll also give the title some thought. I'm not entirely happy with what I have there. I'm just not sure if the smaller title will convey what I need. This is more of a I'll give it a think sort of thing.
I vote for keeping "reading" in the title. There is nothing else in the poem to clue the reader in to the idea that this is not a series of random observations of the world through bifocals, but is instead a metaphor about how the words behave when seen through the bifocals. Without that clue in the title, the reader will envision literal children and cockroaches, not swimmy words.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
I vote for critiquing the poem and not the critiques, as that is a clear infraction of site rules. It is also the primary reason for timid folks failing to provide adequate feedback.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Sincerest apology. No offence intended. I'm just a klutz and often stumble into the wrong zone. If this was sports I'd be the kid that always scores in the wrong goal. Filed away to hopefully prevent further infractions. Please forgive.
-Quix
(08-28-2015, 07:59 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: I vote for critiquing the poem and not the critiques, as that is a clear infraction of site rules. It is also the primary reason for timid folks failing to provide adequate feedback.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
Watch out for misplaced metaphorical subject...when is a foot like a faucet? When it's tapping. Huh? Someone is tapping HIS foot which sounds LIKE a dripping faucet. Pedantic point but it is easily made safe.
