The hearth sat
crooked. It's pitted
stony face rested heavily
on grimy soot covering
rotted wooden planking.
It's last embers surrendered
to cold ash overflowing,
like a mustache, unkept.
Opposite the hearth,
set a wooden rocking chair.
Utilitarian but well built,
It stood firm against a dead
weight, while it's splintered
creaking feet sheltered the floor
from decay and drops of crimson.
A wooden door defending
it's innards from the the icy
swirling fog that surrounded
the cabin had just recently
lost the war.
The hearth sat
crooked. It's pitted
stony face rested heavily
on grimy soot covering
rotted wooden planking.
The last surviving ember
surrendered to cold ash.
Opposite the hearth,
sat a splintered rocker.
Utilitarian but well built,
it stood firm against the dead
weight, while it's knotted
creaking feet sheltered the floor
from decay and drops of crimson.
A wooden door defending
breathless freinds from icy
swirling fog that surrounded
the cabin had just recently
lost the war.
(08-30-2015, 10:34 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Minor edit...
The hearth sat
crooked. It's pitted
stony face rested heavily
on grimy soot covering
rotted wooden planking.
The last surviving ember
surrendered to cold ash.
Opposite the hearth, I don't think you need this comma.
sat a splintered rocker.
Utilitarian but well built, Utilitarian and well built go together naturally in my eyes; the "but" implies some sort of contradiction.
it stood firm against the dead
weight, while it's knotted
creaking feet sheltered the floor I don't think of a rocking chair as having feet.
from decay and drops of crimson. Presumably blood. I don't have any idea why/how it got there though, or what it signifies.
A wooden door defending
breathless freinds from icy friends
swirling fog that surrounded
the cabin had just recently
lost the war.
Footsteps and screams faded into the black. Whose footsteps and screams? Why are they screaming and running? A murder just happened or something (the blood)? I feel like I'm missing some key details.
This seems like you're describing a murder scene, but leaving out all details of what actually happened. It's hard to piece everything together for me.
(08-30-2015, 10:34 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Minor edit...
The hearth sat
crooked. It's pitted I like "pitted"
stony face rested heavily
on grimy soot covering Is the soot covering the hearth or the hearth covering the soot?
rotted wooden planking. To me, "wooden" sounds weird there when I read it out loud. Perhaps "wood" might sound better.
The last surviving ember
surrendered to cold ash. There's a nice little foreshadow there
Opposite the hearth,
sat a splintered rocker.
Utilitarian but well built, Like WJames said, I don't find much of a contradiction between the two
it stood firm against the dead I like that you break there, and then the following consonance of "weight, while"
weight, while it's knotted
creaking feet sheltered the floor
from decay and drops of crimson.
A wooden door defending
breathless freinds from icy friends
swirling fog that surrounded
the cabin had just recently
lost the war.
Footsteps and screams faded into the black.
Hey QD,
I think my disappointment with this piece is its reveal. I wish you held out until the end and gave us a final puzzle piece in the last line. Instead we find out about the murder (I'm assuming its homicide) in the second stanza, with a hint at it in the first ("cold ash"). A sinking feeling in my stomach and/or a shiver down my spine is what I so desperately want to squeeze out of this, but as of now I'm just not receiving that.
Your last line is also kind of vague, and I can't quite picture who might be foot-stepping and whose screaming. Who's doing this? Where are they in relation to the cabin? The door's gone (right?), are they outside or inside it? I'm not saying you have to detail everybody's exact motion, or every little thing, all I mean is that presently no clear image comes to mind and I'm not all together sure what's happened. As a result, the final line doesn't hit hard and makes the piece somewhat forgettable.
If you adjusted it so that the killing is made evident at the final line, with subtle detail in the body to point to this murder upon closer inspection, I think there would be a great "oh shit" moment here. Maybe that's not what you want, but just an idea.
This potential for a spine-chilling turn in the story reminds me of a couple short stories. I know this is a poetry forum, but they're too cool not to mention. The Man Who Loved Flowers by Stephen King (which you're probably more familiar with) and Time and Again by Breece D'J Pancake. They're both some of my favorite stories, check 'em out if you're interested.
All in all, this is a good piece, I just really want to like it more. Apologize if I hit a little hard for Mild.
I don't try to defend my work by explaining it, because obviously it should stand on its own, but if your interested
the title is important. Someone is missing.
I mention the fire in the first stanza to indicate a passage of time. Some time has passed, an hour or two, but not longer, because the last bit of heat has just been released from the hearth. This is also reminiscent of death, the way bodies turn cold after death.
For what is worth, you all got the second stanza, fairly concrete. I feel like utilitarian means basic no thrills, could be cheap, but well built indicates quality. The chair is the only one left standing.
The door has lost the war, unable to keep "the bad guys" out. Footprints are the bad guys and screams are the one who is missing, in the title.
(08-30-2015, 10:34 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: The hearth sat
crooked. It's pitted Grammar edit: Apostrophe not needed.
stony face rested heavily Heavily not needed: a stone anything, unless it's small, always rests heavy, and I'm pretty sure a hearth is never so small.
on grimy soot covering Soot is always grimy, or is never really grimy at all, since it is the very definition of grime: use a better adjective.
rotted wooden planking. So the heavy stone hearth sat on a dusty floor of wood? That's terrible architecture there.
The last surviving ember
surrendered to cold ash.
Opposite the hearth, Grammar edit: Comma not needed.
sat a splintered rocker.
Utilitarian but well built, Utilitarian things are always well-built: otherwise, they wouldn't be of much use, now, would they? Or are you being a Hebrew poet here, with all your redundancies?
it stood firm against the dead
weight, while it's knotted Grammar edit: Apostrophe not needed. Gets kinda bothersome, but if you're not a native English speaker, I can sympathize, and only pray you get better, as my fellows did. Aside: ironically, though I should be a non-native English speaker, my constant exposure to English anything seems to have made me much worse with my native tongue than with English, but that, of course, is both irreverent and irrelevant.
creaking feet sheltered the floor
from decay and drops of crimson. The chair's legs block the dripping blood's way? That isn't the least bit plausible, so it isn't the least bit vivid: blood can find its way all too easily down such surfaces.
A wooden door defending
breathless freinds from icy Spelling edit: Friends.
swirling fog that surrounded
the cabin had just recently
lost the war. One long woozy of a sentence that definitely says something, but not in a satisfying way. I think I get what you're trying to say here -- in fact, I think I got the whole story, especially with that title, but this stanza just isn't as breathless as it should be. Do we need to know the door is wooden? Why the luxury in the description of the fog? And "had just recently" is just so damn passive. Here's a shot:
"A door defending breathless friends from the fog just lost the war."
But that is a tad too rhythmic to be perfect, at least in my opinion.
Footsteps and screams faded into the black. I agree with the earlier comments: this has no tension, no real punch. Has potential, but it's all sort of unrealized, partly because it's lacking in detail, partly because it's lacking in insight, and partly because its voice is too decadent. Little detail would be nice if the voice was just as scared, just as sparse; little insight would be nice if the horror really filled the senses; and decadence would be great if the details were what made the reader breathless: otherwise, you've got a flop.
And here, a few responses on your earlier defense:
The fire dying is not a vivid image, precisely because it's either lacking in detail, or its description is too fluffy. If this is reminiscent of the way bodies turn cold after death, then best to either show it, or tell it in a good way: I think such an insight would be fair here, and you shouldn't expect the readers to get that without a bit of nudging (I mean, implication is key, sure, but there's no such thing here).
Utilitarian is no thrills, and could be cheap, but all in all, it means sturdy and usable: a utilitarian anything won't be much use as a utilitarian anything if it weren't well-built. Something like "simple" would not have that description, but still perhaps describe what you're looking for.
You wrote footsteps, but it's the same point. Would be a good ending, I think, if all was so well. But do remove the "the": it sounds kinda wrong ("the black"? don't you mean "the darkness" or "the night"?), and it would be much sharper that way (a scene fades into black, not into the black, in scripts, if I remember that bit of info right).
