Hairdrier not required

[John]

September tide -
seas foam and wash
a mermaid's hair

[billy]

no changes here, i like the cut after the first line but did notice it changes completely if the cuts on the 2nd line and a is removed

September tide
seas foam and wash-
mermaid's hair

i do like yours better though

[just mercedes]

Yes - almost. 'foam and wash' - clunky. Something like maybe 'sea foam washes'

[John]

Thanks for the input, peeps. September equinoxial tides and south-easterlies make for some foaming seas where we are. Going to try a couple of hours in the bay this afternoon.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey John- Trying to describe those foaming seas without using the word "foam" would be a challenge. (Just sayin) Being born on the autumnal equinox, I am always aware of its approach, but have yet to write a poem about it...


... Mark

Thanks for the input, peeps. September equinoxial tides and south-easterlies make for some foaming seas where we are. Going to try a couple of hours in the bay this afternoon.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey John-  Trying to describe those foaming seas without using the word "foam" would be a challenge.  (Just sayin)  Being born on the autumnal equinox, I am always aware of its approach, but have yet to write a poem about it...


... Mark

Thanks for the input, peeps. September equinoxial tides and south-easterlies make for some foaming seas where we are. Going to try a couple of hours in the bay this afternoon.

Hey John. I don't have a real issue with it as is but I wonder if "lather" might help resolve the potential clunk or cliche expressed by some readers.
Paul

[John]

Thanks for the further input. It's interesting how people read it differently: my intention was that the high spring tides in September (often with gales) results in foamy seas. These then wash the mermaid's hair. It's not that the seas 'foam and wash...' i.e. her hair was foamed.

Perhaps I need, Seas foam, and wash... etc. So much to say in so few words!

Cheers again.

---

... Being born on the autumnal equinox, I am always aware of its approach, but have yet to write a poem about it...


... Mark

Off you go, then.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey John-

The shorter, the harder, is so true. Every word counts... I'm sure that a two word poem, like "I AM" could have several interpretations

And yes, after 60 years on this planet I do need to get around to writing about my b'day falling on the 1st day of fall... maybe something about candles losing their leaves.

...Mark

Thanks for the further input. It's interesting how people read it differently: my intention was that the high spring tides in September (often with gales) results in foamy seas. These then wash the mermaid's hair. It's not that the seas 'foam and wash...' i.e. her hair was foamed.

Perhaps I need, Seas foam, and wash... etc. So much to say in so few words!

Cheers again.

---

... Being born on the autumnal equinox, I am always aware of its approach, but have yet to write a poem about it...


... Mark

Off you go, then.