Foil

[Wjames]

I knew a girl
who played with emotion,
colouring rainbows and hopscotch
on the school’s black tar pavement.
 
I was always running,
kicking up dust clouds that smudged
her work, dirtying the clothes
my mother bought
for picture day.
 
One recess,
I made her an aluminium necklace;
a scraggly silver apology
wrapped ‘round a frayed
length of twine.
 
She smiled, and I ran off
throwing stones with my friends.

[billy]

does one colour, draw hopscotch or play it

i think you can play around with the enjambment, ie;

I was always running,
kicking up dust
clouds that smudged her work,
dirtying clothes mother bought
for picture day.

just a suggestion to go over the poem and see if it can be done better.

all in all i found the poem to be nostalgic and pleasant to read.

the first line feels a bit weak though...no need for once as knew more or less says the same thing

the couplet may not sit well with some but i think it rocks

[Cousin Kil]

Hi Wjames,

This is a nice little poem you have, and I especially like your last two lines
like "throwing stones with my friends"- there's a little bit of an undertone to it that would be cool to explore, though perhaps doing so would escape the intention of the poem
There's not too much I can say against the rest of your lines, save that there are a million words out there to mess around with and see what fits
Some of your word choices, while not totally out of place, I feel could be made better
For instance, "scraggily" to me come off as a little odd to describe crinkled foil, and it seemed to be there more for the alliteration than the image
Of course, maybe I'm just nitpicking
It by no means kills the poem for me, these are just minor things to tighten

Thanks for the read,
Cousin Kil

[Wjames]

All three I think (drawing/coluring can be a type of playing too), Billy. Definitely agree about "Once", I'll make the change. I do like that dust/clouds line break as well, thanks for your thoughts.

Thanks for reading Cousin, I do think "scraggly" could be improved, the frayed twine I think says the same thing in a simpler, better way anyways.

I was worried the ending might be a little abrupt, but I also like it that way, it sort of seems to me like a memory fragment or something, so I'm glad you guys think it works.

[John]

Hi, Wjames.

A couple of thoughts below that I couldn't reconcile. Hope they're of some use. Overall, you've helped in the recollection of old memories. Look forward to any rewrite.

Cheers

I knew a girl
who played with emotion, Whose emotion? And in what way? Is it relevant? I need to know.
colouring rainbows and hopscotch
on the school’s black tar pavement. Not footpath, but playground in your case? Is black tar needed?
 
I was always running,
kicking up dust clouds that smudged
her work, dirtying the clothes Because of the comma splicing, this reads as if your mother bought the girl's clothes.
my mother bought  That may be the case if boy and girl are siblings, but it's not clear,
for picture day.
 
One recess,
I made her an aluminium necklace; Try swapping silver and aluminium. You made an aluminium apology for a silver necklace.
a scraggly silver apology
wrapped ‘round a frayed
length of twine.
 
She smiled, and I ran off
throwing stones with my friends. Done that plenty of times. Great ending.