Bringing down the animal

[Keith]

Standing by the science block,
that's where it started,
chalk on a blazer's back,
a two handed push,
"What are you looking at?
slap.
Get out of my way
and give me that!
gritted teeth gripped school ties.

Each day I took a piece,
nibbled on his flesh,
the soft parts of his mind.
Made him small,
made him afraid.

Then the shudders started,
broke down, begged me to stop,
uncontrollable and I had done that;
I had done that.
It sat me down,
Samson, shaven and blind.

Two hours to take the bandages off,
why and what I had done.
Listened to his metaphor of me,
the pages of his ink black book,
detailed and gruesome.
Hard for me to trace,
drawings sketched in despair.  

It's good at hiding now,
deep in its jungle.
But if someone stands
exposed,
lost in my long grass.
Then I hear it
coming through the trees,
tension lifts its chains.

I hope the dart
never misses
the thick part of its leg,
we wouldn't want it loose
inside our heads.

[Quixilated]

Keith,
This has a bit of a "Crime and Punishment" feel to it. The protagonist is also the antagonist, battling inner demons that he is appaled by, but has little control over. This poem is (I believe as intended) chilling and a bit uncomfortable. At the same time, I'm pretty sure most people have a secret something they keep chained up and tranquilized, maybe not always so dangerous when set free, but nevertheless damaging or embarassing. I know this isn't in a crit section, and this isn't really crit, I tried to ignore this poem because it was uncomfortable to think about, but I couldn't get the image out of my head (well done) so I decided to just embrace it and dive in. Long story short, I totally get this, and after reading went to go check on my own chained creature to make sure it had not escaped.

I have one question and one edit to add. The entire poem is "I" and the thing he is fighting is in his own head. Why would it be in "our" heads if it got free? Just curious, if there was a specific reason?. Also, did you mean "loose" instead of "lose" in the second to last line?

Again, really like this, in a shivery haunted sort of way.
--Quix

[John]

Hi, Keith,

I read this as a school bully desperately trying to come to terms with his abhorrent behaviour. Second stanza initially looked like cannibalism, then saw it as cruelly playing with the victim's head.

I've just read Snake by DH Lawrence and saw the parallel with his (Lawrence's) coming to terms with his human pettiness - and much more in this case.

Enjoyed the darkness and it wasn't horrific.

I'd check spelling and punctuation - annimal (animal), and some of your clauses are end-stopped rendering them sentences.

Anything there you can use, please do.

Cheers

Standing by the science block,
that's where it started,
chalk on a blazer's back,
a two handed push,
"What are you looking at?
slap.
Get out of my way
and give me that!
gritted teeth gripped school ties.

Each day I took a piece,
nibbled on his flesh,
the soft parts of his mind,
made him small,
made him afraid.

Then the shudders started,
broke down, begged me to stop,
uncontrollable and I had done that;
I had done that,
it sat me down,
Samson, shaven and blind.

Two hours to take the bandages off,
why and what I had done.
Listened to his metaphor of me,
the pages of his ink black book,
detailed and gruesome,
hard for me to trace,
drawings sketched in despair.  

It's good at hiding now,
deep in its jungle.
But if someone stands
exposed,
lost in my long grass.
Then I hear it
coming through the trees,
tension lifts its chains.

I hope the dart
never misses
the thick part of its leg,
we wouldn't want it lose
inside our heads.

[Keith]

Keith,
This has a bit of a "Crime and Punishment" feel to it.  The protagonist is also the antagonist, battling inner demons that he is appaled by, but has little control over.  This poem is (I believe as intended) chilling and a bit uncomfortable.  At the same time, I'm pretty sure most people have a secret something they keep chained up and tranquilized, maybe not always so dangerous when set free, but nevertheless damaging or embarassing.  I know this isn't in a crit section, and this isn't really crit, I tried to ignore this poem because it was uncomfortable to think about, but I couldn't get the image out of my head (well done) so I decided to just embrace it and dive in.  Long story short, I totally get this, and after reading went to go check on my own chained creature to make sure it had not escaped.    

I have one question and one edit to add.  The entire poem is "I" and the thing he is fighting is in his own head.  Why would it be in "our" heads if it got free?  Just curious, if there was a specific reason?.  Also, did you mean "loose" instead of "lose" in the second to last line?  

Again, really like this, in a shivery haunted sort of way.
--Quix

Hi Quix Thank you for your considered feedback and pointing out the spelling, all corrected now I think I like the way you have interpreted this, you are correct with regards to the inner struggle the bully continues to have with himself as I was trying to say its not a trait the easily goes away, it needs managing. To answer your question I was trying to turn the problem of being bullied or bullying, onto the reader to give it more impact, until that point I had let the reader watch from the sideline not really involved, just walking past the scene so to speak. hope that answers your question. Best Keith

---

Hi, Keith,

I read this as a school bully desperately trying to come to terms with his abhorrent behaviour. Second stanza initially looked like cannibalism, then saw it as cruelly playing with the victim's head.

I've just read Snake by DH Lawrence and saw the parallel with his (Lawrence's) coming to terms with his human pettiness - and much more in this case.

Enjoyed the darkness and it wasn't horrific.

I'd check spelling and punctuation - annimal (animal), and some of your clauses are end-stopped rendering them sentences.

Anything there you can use, please do.

Cheers

Hi John, Thanks for pointing out even more spelling and errors , much appreciated, you are correct with the basis of the poem it is about bulling, from a Bully's perspective, both externally as you mention and internally. Thanks for the help with this I have made a few changes. Best Keith.

[NobodyNothing]

Standing by the science block,
that's where it started,
chalk on a blazer's back,
a two handed push,
"What are you looking at? 

Great beginning.  Man you're good at engaging my attention.  Right from the start.

[Keith]

Standing by the science block,
that's where it started,
chalk on a blazer's back,
a two handed push,
"What are you looking at? 

Great beginning.  Man you're good at engaging my attention.  Right from the start.

Many thanks for the feedback NN much appreciated, its good to know the opening works

[NobodyNothing]

Standing by the science block,
that's where it started,
chalk on a blazer's back,
a two handed push,
"What are you looking at? 

Great beginning.  Man you're good at engaging my attention.  Right from the start.

Many thanks for the feedback NN much appreciated, its good to know the opening works

Have you put together a book of poetry yet?  I think you're really good.  You strive for the strange and beautiful.  Even if you only self publish one, it would be cool.  

[Mark A Becker]

Well well well Keith-

You speak well to the inner violence within us all.

My typical advice: tighten it up! I always see more words than are necessary to tell the story, and they usually subtract from the impact instead of add. And this one could really pack a punch if pared down to its essentials.

Why not pack that punch? Why not go for the throat? Why soften it?

With a little less this could be a lot more...
... Mark

[Keith]

Well well well Keith-

You speak well to the inner violence within us all.

My typical advice:  tighten it up!  I always see more words than are necessary to tell the story, and they usually subtract from the impact instead of add.  And this one could really pack a punch if pared down to its essentials.

Why not pack that punch?  Why not go for the throat?  Why soften it?  

With a little less this could be a lot more...
... Mark

Hi Mark
Thank you for the feedback, I will look to see the unnecessary words as you suggest, I do tend to over embellish. Best Keith