Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[sunilmathur]

    THIRD REVISION
Passing over lofty Himalayan ranges in a plane
    presents a view of rare and ineffable beauty.

   The view is one of rare and ineffable beauty
   as our plane passes over the Himalayas.
   Mountains, enveloped in dense forests
   embroidered with meandering rivers and streams
   exude the soothing radiance of green.
 
  In the The sky is a panoramic show of clouds
    appearing in myriad forms:
    layers of vapor surging forth;
    fluffy balls floating around
    or nestling against mountain peaks;
    a goddess majestically looking down;
    and soon,
    a lion looming through the mist.

    All at once, the show climaxes;
    it’s clouds and only clouds
    crowding the scene.
   They look like mountains of snow outshining
   that sure would outshine
   the real snowy peaks they now hide;
   as they hide everything else: even the blue sky
   peeping out through chinks.


SECOND REVISION
Lofty Himalayan peaks, the subject of dreams
seem so near as our plane flies just above.
It’s bliss to see the mountains
enveloped in a radiant and soothing green.
The vast forests, thick with rarest of trees
are embroidered with meandering rivers and streams.
Putting up a show I would not miss
are clouds appearing in myriad forms:
layers of vapor surging ahead,
fluffy balls floating about.
I just discerned a goddess looking down,
and now it’s a lion looming through the mist.
All at once it is a wonderland of clouds
with nothing but clouds all around.
They look like mountains of snow that would outshine
the real snowy peaks they now hide;
as they hide everything else: even the blue sky
peeping out through chinks in the clouds.

REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty.
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green.
In the sky above was going on
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms;
now as layers of vapor surging forth
and now as fluffy balls floating around
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.
All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.
ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.[/s]

[MattVoscinar]

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

It is clear you want strong imagery from this stanza, but there are some descriptions that are detrimental to the poem. Things like "dizzying heights" and "pristine glory" are too cliche for a poem that is looking to point out unique beauty in landscape. Another issue is the use of voice in the third line. This poem needs to be active and "unfolding below was..." is far too passive.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

The first line here tells too much. Rather than tell us that the clouds stole the show, prove it. Make us marvel at them, rather than take you on your word. This leads me to what you can cut. Get rid of the first line and "now seen as" in the second line. I'd also like to see you remove the fluffy simile. It's far too cliche. Consider reworking this line or removing in entirely. The lion comparison doesn't work for me either. I'd remove it and still with the Greek goddess line as your closer.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

Here, you can cut everything before "wandered" are replace it with "we." I know that your talking about the plane at this point, and your telling me what sight to behold is getting tedious. In the same light, replace "it" with us. The first person pronouns will connect the speaker more personally. There is a lot to cut here, so I'll post below an idea of how I'd like it to read:

We wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling us on all sides.
They were mountains of snow
outshining the snowy peaks
And hiding the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

In this example, the stanza moves forward without the extra wording and tells us exactly what we need to know.

I like the idea of the poem. Nature is something that we can all appreciate. Work on cutting extra words that slow everything down and take away from the images. Then, focus on finding new ways to depict the scene.   Finally, consider changing this poem to present tense. It will add urgency to the poem and keep it from sounding like a retelling.

[tectak]

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.cc
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty: c
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory cccccc
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;cc
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cottoncccccccc
floating in the sky cc
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion c
looming large in the distant horizon;ccc
and another, of some Greek goddess Just awful
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane ccc and awful
wandered into a fairyland of clouds Jury is out...you can often avoid cliches by saying something so outlandish that no one else has said it before and never will
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow er, yes. There is a good chance...
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices. Confused

As you have posted this in Serious one assumes that you intend workshopping "it". I use indefinite article advisedly...what do you believe you have written? You may get away with unadulterated prose just out of RTF school masquerading as poetry on some eulogy sites but not here. You cannot cobble together strings of cliches cut with bizarre and completely random line breaks and think that meterless (fine), rhymeless(fine) text makes poetry. Rather than go line by line through this, which we would both find painful, can I make two suggestions? Firstly, and because you have really tried to be "poetic", get rid of the cliches marked with a ©. These are someone else's words. Use you own. Secondly, consider having this moved to Novice where you will have time to consider which way you want to go without being mauled by the crits in Serious. Oh, and avoid colonic discharges.
Best,
tectak

[sunilmathur]

Thanks Matt for your suggestions. I shall try to work out a revision on these lines.

[Grace]

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

[sunilmathur]

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

---

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

---

Thanks Grace for your comments and suggestions. I have posted a revised version and will be grateful for your views on it.

---

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

---

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

---

---

Thanks Grace for your comments and suggestions. I have put up a revised version. Please let me know how it looks.

[Grace]

REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty.
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green.

I think I agree with Matt that the whole poem in present tense would give it an immediacy. So, the mountains exude/are exuding...

In the sky above was going on
a panoramic show of clouds
appearingin myriad shapes and forms;
now aslayers of vapor surging forth
and now as fluffy balls floating around - wondering if you could find a different word for fluffy?
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment  -a suggestion is to personalise it and say "reminded me/remind me".
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.

All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else: - replacement word for repeat of hid?
even the blue sky - -of the sky?
scarcely visible through crevices.

Ive put a few notes, above. Feel free to use/discard.
I think the revision is a better version. I enjoyed the read of this. Thank you. Grace.


ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

[sunilmathur]

Thanks Grace for your valuable suggestions, which I will definitely consider.

[just mercedes]

Hi - I was attracted by the name of your poem. It's a unique and beautiful part of the world you describe. I don't think your poem is doing justice to the scene, yet.

.
REVISED VERSION

Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun Which is it? Are you glancing, or gazing? They're different.
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity What do you mean by 'continuity'?
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty. 'rare and ineffable' is too abstract. Describe what about them makes them beautiful to you. This first stanza reads like prose with line breaks. Where are the poetic devices?
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests 
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green. This is sounding like a travel ad. I'd like some original images here. 'soothing radiance' is too abstract. Again, very prosey.


In the sky above was going on
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms; Is there a difference between the form and the shape of a cloud?
now as layers of vapor surging forth,
and now as fluffy balls floating around surging forth and floating around? Really? You could see that?
or nestling against mountain peaks. I'm not sure 'nestling' works
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon; how can it loom large and be distant?
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.

All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides. Circles don't have sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view; they can't outshine them and hide them at the same time
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky if they hid everything else, nothing would be visible. No blue sky at all.
scarcely visible through crevices. I can't work out how, from a plane, you can see the sky through a crevice.

I'd love to see you choose your words with more attention, cut out all the filler words, and show me some original descriptions. Why a fairyland? Can you see castles? - then show them to me.

[sunilmathur]

Thanks Mercedes for your suggestions and comments. I do agree that the poetic quality has to be enhanced and that some tightening is required. I hope to work out a revised version in this direction. I do realize that 'glance' and 'gaze' have different connotations. That is why the initial reference is to 'glance' and 'gaze' is used only when interest in the scenery has been aroused. In any case, I intend now to delete the initial one or two lines so that the point will, in any case, become irrelevant. As regards 'continuity', the allusion is to the fact that the slopes and valleys were continuous in their extent so as not to leave the slightest gap between hills. In any case, I would perhaps be considering even this line for deletion. As regards your remark, 'circles don't have sides', I think there is no reference in the poem to the sides of a circle. It is the plane that was encircled on all sides, and a plane does have sides. In any case the dictionary definition of 'encircle' has nothing to do with a geometrical circle. It simply means 'surround'. "Mountains of snow outshining the real peaks which they hid from view". Your remark: "They can't outshine them and hide them at the same time". True, but it was only a moment back that the clouds started hiding the snowy peaks from view. The snowy peaks were obscured from actual view and not from memory: so the comparison was possible. "As they hid everything else; even the blue sky".  Your comment: "If they hid everything else, nothing should be visible. No blue sky at all". Your attention is drawn to the very next line which says that the blue sky was only partially visible through crevices. By the way, the crevices are not in the plane but in the thick layers of clouds that envelope the sky. It is through these crevices in the clouds that the blue sky is 'scarcely visible'. As regards 'surging forth' and floating around' of the clouds, yes, I could see that from the plane's window. When the clouds were in the form of thin vapour, they seemed to be surging ahead. When they were in the form of fluffy balls, they simply floated around (slowly). I can assure you the poem is based entirely on personal observation and not on imagination or reading. All this is not by way of defense of the poem, and certainly not by way of criticizing your remarks. It is only by way of clarifying certain points that would otherwise remain in doubt. I do hope to work out something better with the help and guidance of you all.

[Brownlie]

REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun - For a lofty poem about a dramatic landscape this line works to cut the drama for me. I think this line is also trochaic, so take note if you care about such things. "be fun" feels a little like filler, and it may weaken the first line. However, I do think it is better than anything with thee, thou, hath, etc. 
as I was to experience on this flight -- "as I was to, on this." There is a lot of filler in this line, and the phrasing still sounds awkward to me.  
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity -- Comma before which.
presented to my wondering gaze -- Can you use a better adjective or other kind of word than "wondering." 
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty. -- I could sort of see using the word ineffable if you were trying to convey a something romantic. However, "a scene of rare and ineffable beauty" can probably be altered to make it more interesting or new. 
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green. -- "the soothing radiance of green"? Why not a green soothing radiance. You may be able to go either way I suppose.


In the sky above was going on -- "was going on" seems like wonky filler to me, and I think it should be changed.
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms;
now as layers of vapor surging forth
and now as fluffy balls floating around
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess -- I suppose you could reference a more specific Greek god. This sequence is interesting to me because the position of sight in this poem gives the speaker a power to gaze above a Greek  goddesses. Not sure about "some" though.
looking down.

All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides. -- Fairyland acts like a huge interruption in the poem for me. So I suppose you should make sure it's not simply an adjective that you picked to fit the meter. 
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks -- Maybe a comma after peaks. 
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices. -- Not a bad ending




ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

I don't think the poem is bad, but I think there is some sloppiness to it. Thanks for posting. 

[Leanne]

A gentle reminder to compare the enormous amount of effort that is being expended on your poem here in Serious Critique with the amount of effort you are putting into critiquing other people's work -- please be fair/ Admin

[sunilmathur]

Thanks Brownlie for your valuable suggestions.

[tectak]

REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun Glancing out is fun...but only sporadically. That is what "glancing" as a vision parameter means. It is not what you mean it to mean. Wrong word choice. I fear there will be more.
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty. This is one hell of a long sentence...life, even. You are trying to say too much too quickly. I only say "you" because this is written in first person and I can see "you" are overcome. Read your work out loud and hear where the natural and/or dramatic pauses occur, then punctuate accordingly. Because this is still no more than hyperbolic travel-add stuff you need to leave something to the imagination (not necessarily the intelligence) of the reader. So:

"Looking out of a plane's window can be fun.
I experienced this grand high on a flight
over the jagged peaks of the Himalayan range.
Inspired by their vanishing-point continuity
and by their timeless presence, my gaze
turned to to awe(overused word) and I was overcome
by their ineffable (are you Hindi? The meaning is effectively different) beauty."

No more. Your poem. The point is that you make no point by over modifying with blatantly obvious descriptors. It weakens the poem; a poem, I repeat, which has no meter, no rhyme, no core metaphor, no attempt at conforming even to syllable count and is little more than a string of cliches. You may not like this but only you can put it right, and you can and you should. In one stanza we have "lofty" to describe a mountain, "wondering" to describe a gaze, (which, incidentally was a "glance" a bat of an eye ago), "rare" and "ineffable" to describe "beauty" when "ineffable" means "beyond words" or if Hindi, "not to be spoken"...but you went right on and did it anyway )Word choice wonky and pretentious...dilettante comes to mind. Show me I am wrong.
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests So you go on with cliche upon cliche. Sometimes cliches are VERY difficult to replace with anything as specific as what you are trying to say...but "enveloped in dense forest"? I googled the phrase....About 453,000 results (0.75 seconds) Now I know that this is unfair, but you can see how overused the expression is. I know you can do better with your OWN words.
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams eg. a forest patchwork stitched together with the silk threads of rivers and streams.
exuded the soothing radiance of green. I just know I will regret this but this line has some merit on a couple of levels whilst it fails on just one. The word "exude" is a great choice. Its biological meaning is to "ooze from pores", like sweat or, metaphorical sweat, the surplus water from leaves of trees. It can also mean to manifest a state of being, as in "exuding confidence" and so again, the metaphor holds up as you are about to describe a "feeling". The colour green is known to be the "most soothing" of colours. However, the "radiation" of an exudence is just too much. Frankly, I am tempted to read "...radiated (the soothing exudance of) green.", because at least one can "see" a radiated colour. It is very difficult to envisage how one can exude a radiance. Moot point, admittedly, but this is Serious.  

In the sky above was going on Now, this is horrible. "was going on" is just lousy english and that's an end to it. If you cannot see why, then you cannot see why. Examine the sentence then read this." In the sky above a theatre of dance began/displayed/performed/) was going on? No. I do not think so.
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms; the last two lines continues the theatrical theme which I offered with the duality of the word "show". Your poem, but these lines are not without visual imagery and though the "myriad shapes and forms" is another massive cliche, it is as I intimated, difficult sometimes. The Hindi reference I made earlier was from ( I read the poem through several times) the primary Godly characteristic of Visvarupebhyah who appears "in myriad shapes and forms". So it is a cliche of "biblical proportions" and to be avoided for that reason.
now as layers of vapor surging forth This is the last niggle on cliches. You must get the message by now....surging forth for Pete's sake....aaaarrrrggggghhhh!
and now as fluffy balls floating around
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment The last four lines are incredibly weak descriptively. That you "see" a lion in the clouds, or a Goddess (whose nationality is known by her cloud form? is in your favour but you make little of it...show don't tell, is the interminable wail of the crits. You have also carelessly omitted  vital words. They reminded (me in/for/in but ) one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon; accepting that the horizon, most accurately observed from sea level is,  for a 1.9 metre high pair of eyes looking out to sea, about  five kilometres away, it should take no mathematics to deduce that at a height of 15,000 metres the horizon would be "distant"...hell, it's quite a long way on the beach. So "distant" is redundant and just another filler word. Now, about the "in" word. Do you want the cliched "looming large" lion to be "in" the distance or "on" the horizon? Your call...but not both, please.
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.

All at once the scene changed into what seemed ....and with one bound, he was free. All at once/all of a sudden/suddenly is kid's books stuff. You could make much more of this by indicating the speed, the shock element, the unlikelyness, the surprise, the absolute disbelief that such a change could occur...but "All at once..." Oh, come on.
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides. Oh. It IS for kids. My apologies.
They seemed to be mountains of snow Who they? You do not say. A disconnect. Now, I know you mean the clouds, because you referred to "A" fairyland of "clouds". Give in to the metaphor:

A fairyland of clouds encircled us.
Like castles of snow in a winter sun
they replaced  the icy peaks we knew
were there below, hidden from view.
The blue sky, too, was stolen from us;
glimpsed only between the parapets,
the towers and the vertiginous walls.

I will/do regret rewriting your stuff and I strongly advise you to say my offerings are crap and you can do much better on your own, thank you very much and piss off you puffed up pedant. Good. I look forward to the next edit...and probably the one after that and the one after that and...are you sure you do not want this moving to Mild before some other power crazed mod decides you are not pulling you weight on the crit front and moves you anyway? Your response is critical but this crit is kindly sent and  should be so received.
Best,
tectak



outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.




ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

---

ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

[sunilmathur]

Thanks Leanne for your advice. I will keep it in mind. And thanks tectak for your comments.

[tectak]

Thanks Leanne for your advice. I will keep it in mind. And thanks tectak for your comments.

Good egg,
Best,
tectak

[sunilmathur]

On the basis of suggestions received, I have put up a second revised version. Further suggestions and comments are welcome.

[tectak]

Hi suni,
this edit is scarifying and makes the whole poem cleaner and less messy. There are now areas of critique which can be more precisely defined. Very well done.
in text suggestions, some repeated nits, but generally the thing is moving in the right direction.
Best,
tectak

SECOND REVISION
Lofty Himalayan peaks, the subject of dreams All peaks are lofty. Find something else to say about them. In your memories eye, try to remember what you felt when the sight hit your conscious thinking. I'd bet you didn't say " Oh, look. Aren't the mountains lofty?". For me, just drop the word. You look out of the window. You are uplifted by the sense of nearness, the danger, the joy of "being" where you are. Muse on it. "Ah", you may fullfillingly exhale, "Himalayan peaks...I am flying over Himalayan peaks..." Now, hold that feeling and think of another word to transmit the image to me. Were you exhiliarated? Then say so.
"Exhiliarating Himalayan peaks, so often in my dreams,"...or something.
seem so near as our plane flies just above. seem so close beneath me that I feel an exquisite thrill, yet..
It’s bliss to see the mountain mountains
enveloped in a radiant and soothing green. No. Not enveloped and not the whole mountain...otherwise you could not see the peaks. Think about what you actually saw. I suspect you looked down on the peaks and saw them rise from a foment of green. So say so...but show me, don't just tell me.
The vast forests, thick with rarest of trees Why "the"? If you end the previous line with "of" you are already in the forest.

It's bliss to see (adjective) mountains
float up from a soothing green sea of
trees; (name some trees found in such a forest)
I hope you are getting the idea. I KNOW you have been there but I want to look through your eyes, not just watch holiday snapshots.

are embroidered with meandering rivers and streams.

Putting up a show I would not miss
are clouds appearing in myriad forms: Why the inversion?
Clouds appear in myriad forms
and put on a show I would not miss....though even this is weak. Would you die if you missed it, were you spiritually fulfilled because you were privileged to see it, would you pay a million dollars to see it? No...you just would not miss it. Get the words singing with your own excitement.

layers of vapor surging ahead,
fluffy balls floating about. Now, fluffy balls, find something else to describe what you saw. Fluffy balls floating about just doesn't do it. Again I say, cast your mind back...did you look in marble-eyed wonder and think...hey...those clouds look like fluffy balls floating about? No. No. No.
I just discerned a goddess looking down,
and now it’s a lion looming through the mist. What is this "it". You do not say. By definition the indefinite article is indefinite. Avoid the "it" word with a resolve as stiff as titanium. Oh, and what mist?

All at once it is a wonderland of clouds
with nothing but clouds all around. Repeat of clouds. Of course the wonderland of clouds is clouded with clouds of clouds....and I say again, "all at once" is weak.
They look like mountains of snow that would outshine
the real snowy peaks they now hide;
as they hide everything else: even the blue sky
peeping out through chinks in the clouds. Peaks,peaks, more with the clouds, snowy peaks cliche from childrens i-spy. Peeping is bad but peeping out is worse. You can do better than this but you are getting there.

No more from me on this. You need some awesome wowsers to give you false praise BUT it IS much better. That is important.
Best,
tectak












REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty.
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green.

In the sky above was going on
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms;
now as layers of vapor surging forth
and now as fluffy balls floating around
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.

All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.




ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

[sunilmathur]

Thanks tectak for your comments and suggestions. I do see you have a point when you say: "Not enveloped and not the whole mountain...otherwise you could not see the peaks". But the actual situation was somewhat different from what you might be imagining. This is a reference to the Himalayas as seen a few minutes after the plane took off from Kathmandu. At that time what was being seen below were the vast undulating Himalayan ranges entirely covered with forests and greener, a continuous sequence of hills and valleys. Maybe the reference to 'peaks' at this stage was wrong, as the word 'peak' conjures up images of the pointed upper tip of a hill or mountain. It would perhaps have been more appropriate, at this stage, to speak of 'Himalayan ranges' rather than 'peaks'. I don't know whether a reference to the fact that the plane has only a short while taken off from Kathmandu is also necessary for a proper understanding of the poem. The reference to snowy peaks is more appropriate in the third stanza, because by this time the plane had ascended to a high altitude and some snowy peaks at a distance had become visible (i.e. till they were obscured by the clouds). As regards the fact that the description of the Himalayas in the first stanza may not seem to be adequately picturesque or detailed, I would only say that this was not intended to be a poem on the Himalayas but only on clouds. But without reference to the geographical location and the point from which the clouds are being observed, the poem becomes meaningless, especially the third stanza, because the situation described in that stanza will never occur if one is observing clouds from one's garden or rooftop. Thus the reference to the Himalayas is only by way of providing the background to the poem and not by way of a detailed description. I am not able to think of a suitable substitute for 'fluffy balls'. The only substitute I could think of was 'embossed patterns' or 'embossed shapes', which may appear awkward to some. Could you suggest something better? We now come to the inversion: "Putting up a show I would not miss are clouds.." I am not in favor of inversions that appear awkward, contrived or too obvious and which are used only for the sake of forced rhyming. Personally I feel this inversion may not exactly be of that type, and that such inversions are sometimes used even in prose. You have asked what purpose it serves. To me, the inverted syntax seems to serve two purposes: rhyming the first line of the stanza with the last line, a rhyming pattern followed in all the three stanzas. Secondly, it helps in shifting the focus from the Himalayas to the clouds. Anyway, please feel free to give your own suggestions. Your remark: "Peeping is bad but peeping out is worse" Actually 'peep' and 'peeping out' are two different words or expressions with entirely different meanings. They are not interchangeable. Moreover, the word 'peep' has a disagreeable or derogatory connotation only in certain situations. The following is the difference in meaning and usage, as given in the Oxford Dictionary. Peep: to look quickly or secretly at something, especially through a small opening. "We caught her peeping through the peephole". Peep out: to be just visible. "The sun peeped out from behind the clouds". Inasmuch as this was precisely what I was trying to say in respect of the sky only partially visible from behind the clouds, I found the usage appropriate. Please let me know whether you find the last line as originally drafted to be better.

[tectak]

Thanks tectak for your comments and suggestions. I do see you have a point when you say: "Not enveloped and not the whole mountain...otherwise you could not see the peaks". But the actual situation was somewhat different from what you might be imagining. This is a reference to the Himalayas as seen a few minutes after the plane took off from Kathmandu. At that time what was being seen below were the vast undulating Himalayan ranges entirely covered with forests and greener, a continuous sequence of hills and valleys. Maybe the reference to 'peaks' at this stage was wrong, as the word 'peak' conjures up images of the pointed upper tip of a hill or mountain. It would perhaps have been more appropriate, at this stage, to speak of 'Himalayan ranges' rather than 'peaks'.  I don't know whether a reference to the fact that the plane has only a short while taken off from Kathmandu is also necessary for a proper understanding of the poem. The reference to snowy peaks is more appropriate in the third stanza, because by this time the plane had ascended to a high altitude and some snowy peaks at a distance had become visible (i.e. till they were obscured by the clouds). As regards the fact that the description of the Himalayas in the first stanza may not seem to be adequately picturesque or detailed, I would only say that this was not intended to be a poem on the Himalayas but only on clouds. But without reference to the geographical location and the point from which the clouds are being observed, the poem becomes meaningless, especially the third stanza, because the situation described in that stanza will never occur if one is observing clouds from one's garden or rooftop. Thus the reference to the Himalayas is only by way of providing the background to the poem and not by way of a detailed description. I am not able to think of a suitable substitute for 'fluffy balls'. Could you suggest something?

Hi sumi,
I had exactly the same problems as you in trying to adequately describe a flight over the Atlas Mountains, not as a test of my own memory "recall" but as a challenge to find words to describe...er....the ineffable It is not easy. My attempt is on this site somewhere (http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8399....ght=dakhla) and I read it occasionally to see if time and increased vocabulary might help. No one knows how I chip away at my surreptitious editing.
"fluffy balls" indeed. What to say. Let's just look at other things which are fluffy and ball-like. Candy floss, pom-poms, meringues, soap foam/suds, sea foam, spume, isle flottant, panacotta, a scoop of ice-cream, a puff of smoke (from an old steam train), smoke signal, maroons( You know, the fireworks that go way up, explode and leave a scudding puff of white smoke in the sky....YES...like silent maroons!
Now, it is not possible to just make a stab at ANY of these because incorporation requires a build up...if you
really do it well then the final image will be almost expected. Anyway, these to be going on with. A few more minutes and you will think of more but don't think of yourself as a rhyme-whore. A rhyme "scheme" of ABCDEA is not worth hanging on to....especially as it is so wanting that the last stanza skillfully and proudly rhymes "clouds" with "clouds"....come on, who are you kidding because it sure as hell ain't me. This is STILL in Serious. Look, if you cannot rhyme with "orange" change it to "tangerine"
The rest of your points I understand because you understand. It is your poem. Bash it in to submission and rename it "Clouds".
Best,
tectak
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