The Performer

[kakashi1090]

Revision 1:

I see you as shadows,
From my platform for grace.
I'll sing to you gladly,
Though nothing will change.

Turn to my rink!
Lend me your ears!
Your pulses are weak, and tinder
your faces like ore.
Trust, I know of your illness
I've seen it before.

Practiced for hours,
Above your contests!
Wait, Why aren't you list'ning
The wind, unfaithful
And my words far too massive,
Clumsy, and wasteful.


La-dee-dah-dum
La-dee-dah-FUCK!
I've seen -each- of you glancing,
Uncommitted to see.
Do not pretend I'm silent,
Louder I'll sing.

La-dee-dah-dum
La-dee-duh-PLEASE!
I now cherish this mistral,
I've seen you receive.
Quit cradling self absence.
Louder I'll sing!

La-dee-dah-dum
Lee-dah-dee....
My voice echoes no longer,
It's your turn to sing!
Your eyes, still and look shallow,
It pains me to see...

Silence has come,
Empty like you.
I will cast all my boulders,
And curse all your names...
Oh! there's a new audience!
What a -lovely- display!

I see you as shadows,
From my platform for grace.
I'll sing to you gladly,
Though nothing will change.

Original:

I see you as shadows,
From my lonely, old, stage.
I'll sing to you gladly,
But it's always the same.

Turn to my rink!
Lend me your ears!
I'll sing, like your young heart used to,
So foolish and bold.
Then breathless I will make it,
As if you've grown old.

Practiced for hours,
I am the best!
Wait! Why aren't you list'ning
Do you find me, unclear?
Let me, increase my volume
So it's easy to hear.

La-dee-dah-dum
La-dee-dah-FUCK!
I've seen -each- of you glancing,
And then turn a piece.
Do not pretend I'm silent,
Louder I'll sing.

La-dee-dah-dum
La-dee-duh-PLEASE!
I promise, it is perfect,
It's got me on knees.
I'm begging of you kindly,
Louder I'll sing!

La-dee-dah-dum
Lee-dah-dee....
I can't sing any longer,
But did you hear me?
The damn stage, light is blinding
Hold. please do not leave...

...

Silence has come,
I, can not leave.
My stage, is my guardian.
My songs, are my name..
I see a new audience!
What a -lovely- display!

I see you as shadows,
From my lonely, old, stage.
I'll sing to you gladly,
But it's always the same.

---

I've seen -each- of you glancing,
And then turn away.
Do not pretend I'm silent,
Louder I'll sing.

I want this to be an ABCB section but I can't think of a good rewording for the second line. So particularly to that any ideas would be appreciated.

---

Nevermind I found something lol thank you thesaurus

[Cousin Kil]

I've seen -each- of you glancing,
Your turn away pangs
Pretending I'm silent
When so loud I've sang

Not sure the past tense is what you're looking for in that stanza, but this was the rhyme that came to mind. If you'd want to keep "louder I'll sing" perhaps 'the turn away stings' would be a good substitute for the second line... I'm not particularly in love with my suggestions but hopefully they spark an idea in your head.
Otherwise this is a pretty cool poem. I like the idea your tackling here, though I feel I've read and heard it before. It's not that your poem isn't lovely, I think just needs some working to make it feel really original. Some of the language, like your descriptors for the stage ("lonely, old stage"), feel tired and commonplace. What I would suggest is altering those pieces, maybe even your location too, to really create interest and put it over the top.
These are really good bones here though, and I still enjoyed reading it.
Best,
Cousin Kil

[kakashi1090]

I've seen -each- of you glancing,
Your turn away pangs
Pretending I'm silent
When so loud I've sang

Not sure the past tense is what you're looking for in that stanza, but this was the rhyme that came to mind. If you'd want to keep "louder I'll sing" perhaps 'the turn away stings' would be a good substitute for the second line... I'm not particularly in love with my suggestions but hopefully they spark an idea in your head.
Otherwise this is a pretty cool poem. I like the idea your tackling here, though I feel I've read and heard it before. It's not that your poem isn't lovely, I think just needs some working to make it feel really original. Some of the language, like your descriptors for the stage ("lonely, old stage"), feel tired and commonplace. What I would suggest is altering those pieces, maybe even your location too, to really create interest and put it over the top.
These are really good bones here though, and I still enjoyed reading it.
Best,
Cousin Kil

I agree. The image I feel is not justified by the phrasing as much as it could be. Not so much inaccurate, just a little predictable. I like your idea of past tense but the "Louder I'll sing" is repeated later and is intended to show a sort of growing desperation for someone to listen. Sort of to walk you through the process that the character is facing. I've reworked it a bit with your criticism in mind. Let me know what you think. Your idea did spark something in me.



I see you as shadows,
From my platform for grace.
I'll sing to you gladly,
Though nothing will change.

Turn to my rink!
Lend me your ears!
Your pulses are weak, and tinder
your faces like ore.
Trust, I know of your illness
I've seen it before.

Practiced for hours,
Above your contests!
Wait, Why aren't you list'ning
The wind, unfaithful
And my words far too massive,
Clumsy, and wasteful.


La-dee-dah-dum
La-dee-dah-FUCK!
I've seen -each- of you glancing,
Uncommitted to see.
Do not pretend I'm silent,
Louder I'll sing.

La-dee-dah-dum
La-dee-duh-PLEASE!
I now cherish this mistral,
I've seen you receive.
Quit cradling self absence.
Louder I'll sing!

La-dee-dah-dum
Lee-dah-dee....
My voice echoes no longer,
It's your turn to sing!
Your eyes, still and look shallow,
It pains me to see...

Silence has come,
Empty like you.
I will cast all my boulders,
And curse all your names...
Oh! there's a new audience!
What a -lovely- display!

I see you as shadows,
From my platform for grace.
I'll sing to you gladly,
Though nothing will change.