Catch and Release

[Wjames]

Dads tackle box
was a metal first aid kit
from the second world war.

Its bumps reminded me
of my grandfathers skin;
coarse and uneven, but warm and familiar.

He was a medic 
in the North African campaign 
before getting shipped back to Canada 
with a bullet in his leg.

His limp brought a humble grace to his gait, 
and his face bore the smile of a condemned man 
set free.

[peacejazzspirit]

First off: nice poem, wjames! I like the metaphor comparing the tackle box to your grandfather's skin--a personal touch that makes the poem more original. In stanza 1, dads needs an apostrophe, stanza 2, grandfathers also needs an apostrophe. I personally think this poem is very nice, and a great way to celebrate your grandfather and all he's accomplished.

[fluorescent.43]

before i start... what happened to the apostrophes?  

Dad[']s tackle box like the metaphor here.
was a metal first aid kit
from the second world war. 'world war two' establishes better rhythm, i think.

Its bumps reminded me
of my grandfather[']s skin;
coarse and uneven, but warm and familiar. this stanza is a bit unimaginative. boring.

He was a medic 
in the North African campaign 
before getting shipped back to Canada[,] 
with a bullet in his leg. interesting event. not enough detail.

His limp brought a humble grace to his gait, 
and his face bore the smile of a condemned man line break here does't make sense to me. 'a condemned man set free' strikes me as a better ending line. also, why was he condemned? for being a wwii vet?--confusing. if so, you could add an adjective like 'withered' in front of smile.
set free.

i like this poem. maybe it has personal meaning to you, but to a reader it comes off as a bit... boring. i liked the tackle box metaphor, but other than that, you state things pretty plainly. this could be about any vet who got shipped back home... what makes this granddaddy different? i think you could go more in depth about how the war affected him and his family, and you would have a much more interesting poem. however, i do like the way you say things here: to the point, and clearly.

good luck if you intend to edit this! hopefully i made some points worth thinking about...

43.

[Turtle]

Dads tackle box --- Should be Dad's instead of Dads, which is plural in meaning.
was a metal first aid kit
from the second world war.

Its bumps reminded me
of my grandfathers skin;
coarse and uneven, but warm and familiar. ---I like that you don't have a break here, but you could experiment with breaking after the comma to give more of an effect to the line "but warm and familiar."

He was a medic 
in the North African campaign 
before getting shipped back to Canada 
with a bullet in his leg. --- Although not a direct rhyme, the combination of campaign/Canada/leg has a rhyming effect to my mind's ear when I read it. I really like this stanza.

His limp brought a humble grace to his gait, 
and his face bore the smile of a condemned man 
set free.

I really enjoyed this poem. It's simple, and conjured some very epic imagery with very few words. The ending was well done too. Having a line break right after man was a good choice. It gives a lot of emphasis to the line "set free", which completes the metaphor in the title very well.

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading and critiquing peeps.

I do intend to work on this one, I like the overarching metaphor, and this is just scratching the surface I think...

[summermoose]

Hi WJames!

I like this poem, particularly how it reels you in from the start, pun intended. But in seriousness, the beginning is intriguing and I find myself wanting you to flesh out the third and fourth stanzas with more vivid lines about your grandfather. You bring in great language in the second stanza but then it falls a bit flat in the third (to me). You Dad appears only once in this poem, perhaps bring him back as a window to your grandfather later in the poem. Or keep building lines like the final one "his face bore the smile of a condemned man, set free" - from other parts of the fishing experience you are describing.

Hope some of that helps as you work on the poem. Cheers!

[kakashi1090]

I think this poem first is very well thought out. You have an extremely clear picture and convey that image very well. So 10/10 for that because that can be a real struggle and really makes it feel authentic.

I feel the weakness for me of the poem is in the manner. I definitely get the idea but, as the greedy reader, I crave more relevance and emotion for myself. I suppose my question for you as the author is "Okay, but what does that mean to you?"

For example:

coarse and uneven, but warm and familiar.

Is my favorite line in this. The contrast of coarse and uneven with the even second half "but warm and familiar" is just spot on. I know what warm and familiar feels like to me and coupled with the clear image of the character's skin is just awesome. Very good line.

In summary, I feel this poem was written with a sense of comfort and nostalgia. I feel that more words representing that would do it justice.


Other than that detail, I think this is very very good. Honestly, you're clarity is excellent. Don't be offput by my long winded manner you really did well with this one.

[Cousin Kil]

Reading through some of the comments after reading the poem, I find myself agreeing with a little of what "Summermoose" had to say
The imagery used to describe the grandfather's skin is very strong, but then it becomes a bit of a let down to see that such strong imagery does not continue into the rest of the poem
I would also suggest tightening your rhyme scheme a bit
Otherwise, good stuff, I enjoyed!

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts guys, I'm a little stuck with this one at the moment. I know I need to add to it, right now it's basically just the very bones of the fishing/war metaphor, but I can't think of anything that fits.

[kakashi1090]

Thanks for your thoughts guys, I'm a little stuck with this one at the moment. I know I need to add to it, right now it's basically just the very bones of the fishing/war metaphor, but I can't think of anything that fits.

Hey, when in doubt, free association. Just spew ideas out.

The struggle of catching a fish akin to the struggle of the battlefield
The contrast of a peaceful fishing trip and the harsh reality of war


Or build on literal things and make them dually a metaphor

Dads tackle box
was a metal first aid kit

Then say how. Maybe the tackle box brought him peace and healed his mental wounds (cliche yeah whatever word choice can fix that you get the idea lol)

Or see where your story is and progress it. Right now we have a pretty good backstory for what happened to the character and the setting for where and what he is doing.

Also, if you find yourself stuck try to remember or create an intention for the reader. When someone reads it, what is the intention? Why should they read it, what do they get out of it, how can you supply that?

If all else fails, write a different poem and just come back to this later. Creativity tends to have a mind of its own sometimes.

Don't be afraid to try something and post it here. At worst you'll get someone saying it's terrible and someone else to say "maybe this". Good luck to it! I am eager to see more!