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It was a lonely Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight.
Sporting a shit eating grin
and a Rodin sculpted chin.
Your smile coaxed swipe right.
My future muscle bound knight.
“We should get a beer.”
My shirt is only slightly sheer.
Arrive in a lowered Honda.
Tight jeans vs Anaconda.
I’m glad I didn't swipe left.
First date turned pantie theft.
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Hello three name girl,
The first thing that catches the eye (if you're going to, so will I), is the first two lines are written in meter. L1 iambic tetrameter, L2 iambic trimeter.
It was a lonely Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight.
This sets a pattern with the expectation that it will continue. Unfortunately it does not.
Sporting a shit eating grin two feet of dactyl with a half foot at the end.
and a Rodin sculpted chin. one foot of anapest, two feet of trochee and a half foot at the end.
Basically, it is all over the place. Not to mention that L 1,2,3 are all cliche.
L1 "It was a (fill in the blank) night.
L2 "when you first caught my sight." Although you have changed the order, it does not save it from referencing the original cliche. Maybe if it were the only one it could get by, but not wedge in between two other cliches.
L3 "Sporting a shit eating grin" I think this one needs no comment.
Your smile coaxed swipe right. I have no idea what this means, seems there for the rhyme. Do you mean penis? ** see below
My future muscle bound knight. Cliche
“We should get a beer.”
My shirt is only slightly sheer. Line 4 does not logically follow from L3.
Arrive in a lowered Honda. No you didn't. nothing in the poem supports that
Tight jeans vs Anaconda. Too Nicki Mirage
I’m glad I didn't swipe left.
First date turned pantie theft. Why is it that I have the idea that this was the first line that saw light and the rest of the poem was simply a vehicle so there was somewhere to house it?
_________________________________________________________________________
**From Urban Dictionary:
Swipe
A Pacific Hills term that referred it as a Penis but most of the time it meant large Penis.
" Damn Yo..YOU GOT NO SWIPE"
" Hey don't blame me if you got no swipe"
________________________________________________________________________
I apologize as this is a bit too much for a novice critique, but it just seemed it would be incomplete if I didn't follow it through so it showed the over all problem. Should you feel this is too harsh of a critique (although that was not my intent) feel free to brutalize one of my poems. I might suggest "Heels" as it doesn't have a leg to stand on 
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(06-07-2015, 01:29 PM)Erthona Wrote: Hello three name girl,
The first thing that catches the eye (if you're going to, so will I), is the first two lines are written in meter. L1 iambic tetrameter, L2 iambic trimeter.
It was a lonely Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight.
This sets a pattern with the expectation that it will continue. Unfortunately it does not.
Sporting a shit eating grin two feet of dactyl with a half foot at the end.
and a Rodin sculpted chin. one foot of anapest, two feet of trochee and a half foot at the end.
Basically, it is all over the place. Not to mention that L 1,2,3 are all cliche.
L1 "It was a (fill in the blank) night.
L2 "when you first caught my sight." Although you have changed the order, it does not save it from referencing the original cliche. Maybe if it were the only one it could get by, but not wedge in between two other cliches.
L3 "Sporting a shit eating grin" I think this one needs no comment.
Your smile coaxed swipe right. I have no idea what this means, seems there for the rhyme. Do you mean penis? ** see below
My future muscle bound knight. Cliche
“We should get a beer.”
My shirt is only slightly sheer. Line 4 does not logically follow from L3.
Arrive in a lowered Honda. No you didn't. nothing in the poem supports that
Tight jeans vs Anaconda. Too Nicki Mirage
I’m glad I didn't swipe left.
First date turned pantie theft. Why is it that I have the idea that this was the first line that saw light and the rest of the poem was simply a vehicle so there was somewhere to house it?
_________________________________________________________________________
**From Urban Dictionary:
Swipe
A Pacific Hills term that referred it as a Penis but most of the time it meant large Penis.
" Damn Yo..YOU GOT NO SWIPE"
" Hey don't blame me if you got no swipe"
________________________________________________________________________
I apologize as this is a bit too much for a novice critique, but it just seemed it would be incomplete if I didn't follow it through so it showed the over all problem. Should you feel this is too harsh of a critique (although that was not my intent) feel free to brutalize one of my poems. I might suggest "Heels" as it doesn't have a leg to stand on
Best,
Dale
Oh Dale,
You really butchered my light hearted poem about Tinder love. In posting I knew the meter was all over the place. So I'm really not offended by the critique at all. That's the reason for posting in this forum, to get better, no? I will say though that this is only the second poem I have ever written. So all the technical jargon is lost on me at the moment. I'll read up.
I do however feel that the context was missed. For those who don't know: Tinder is an online dating app. Mostly utilized by early twenty something's. It has a reputation for being a "hookup site" as it's purely based on photographs. If you like someone's 'profile' you swipe right. If said person also swipes right on your profile then your a match made in shallow heaven and are permitted to chat. If you are not interested in a profile that pops up, you swipe left. The poem is a brief explanation of my first date with my now fiancée, whom I met on Tinder, I find it funny.
Again, thank you for your comments.
Three name girl
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Three name girl,
Ah, well it makes more sense now. Obviously I wouldn't be privy to that information because I am old, but I guess it is otherwise well known. Partially my fault for not noticing the spelling in the title and researching that. I'm sure most people will get it, I'm just out of date (yes I know, that's what you use it for). If you do consider trying to put it in formal meter, I would recommend ballad meter, as it lends itself to humor and it is a fairly easy pattern.
Ballad meter is written in Iambic. That is a foot is composed of two syllables. The first syllable is unaccented/unstressed, the second is accented/stressed.
It is written in quatrains (stanzas of four lines).
The line lengths are as follows:
L1 iambic tetrameter (four feet of iambs)
L2 iambic trimeter (three feet of iambs)
L3 iambic tetrameter (four feet of iambs)
L4 iambic trimeter (three feet of iambs)
Lines 2 and 4 must rhyme, but lines 1 and 3 can rhyme (consistently or incidentally)
The go to example is "Amazing Grace", but for beginners I prefer these lines from Emily as they put more stress on the accented syllables:
"Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The Carriage held but just Ourselves
And Immortality."
There are also places on the site that will help you with meter. I highly recommend you learn at least the basics of meter, as all decent poetry has a rhythmic quality, metered or not. Without developing that innate sense of rhythm one will never progress far in poetry. I think you will actually remember some of this from your childhood, that is if you heard Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
I only have on criticism that stuck out to me (also a novice). In the second stanza, the first two lines have a nice rhythm which is then thrown off by the next two (“We should get a beer.” and My shirt is only slightly sheer.) which do not share the same meter (if I'm using that correctly)and do not relate to each other. Concerning the content, I think it's great! Yes, it is full of cliches... but then again, so is Tinder.
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i like poems with words like shit in them this would be improved tenfold with just a bit of work on the meter. another suggestion would be to turn each verse into a limerick.
one example of how the meter could be improved [it could be improved in a shit-load of ways]
on a lone Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight
with a shit eating grin
on your roden styled chin.
the meter can be any as long as it's constants, [it can also alternate] while meter isn't everything, a poet can sometimes look like emperor without his clothes on.
(06-07-2015, 09:05 AM)staciamberdawn Wrote: It was a lonely Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight.
Sporting a shit eating grin
and a Rodin sculpted chin.
Your smile coaxed swipe right.
My future muscle bound knight.
“We should get a beer.”
My shirt is only slightly sheer.
Arrive in a lowered Honda.
Tight jeans vs Anaconda.
I’m glad I didn't swipe left.
First date turned pantie theft.
Posts: 8
Threads: 1
Joined: Jun 2015
I enjoyed the light tone and mild cheesiness of the poem--it suits tinder and a first date on tinder so well! I concur with Billy's suggestion that working on meter would take this to the next level (love that suggested re-write, Billy!).
Beyond that, some lines were a little awkward for me because their meaning wasn't as clear as the rest:
-Your smile coaxed swipe right (this just doesn't quite make sense; maybe "Your smile coaxed, "swipe right" ? Or if you switch up the meter per Billy's suggestion, maybe "At your smile, I swiped right")
-Arrive in a lowered honda (I'm not sure who's arriving here, is this you or him?)
-Tight jeans vs. anaconda (the vs is throwing me off here...I'm not sure if you're trying to say that you wore tight jeans that got him aroused, or if you're saying his "anaconda" fought against his own tight jeans)
On first read, I loved the closing line, but after reading your later comments about how this man is now your fiance, it might be worthwhile to make a sudden change at the end. Something about a hookup turned lifelong love affair?
At any rate, I enjoyed this, and I hope you post a re-write!
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Hey everyone,
Thank you so much for your input and suggestions! I really enjoyed writing this little light hearted diddy and i believe with some work, mostly on the meter, that it could be a lovely cliche ode to Tinder  I will definitely take into consideration these comments during my re-write so I can smooth out the unclear details and really improve the meter
Thanks again,
Staci
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I didn't get "swipe right" or "swipe left". It feels like they were placed there just to have something to rhyme with? I don't get the title, I could be missing something though... Tinder, as in something to start a fire, is that a vague reference to the "fire of passion"? It don't know. I feel the humor in this though and, I love it. I look forward to reading your rewrite, and since you already mentioned improving the meter, no need to comment there.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.
Love the relatable diction and the tinder allusions ("swipe right" and all that). I also really enjoy the concept of the poem as a whole. I think the meter could be more consistent (since the first two lines have a cadence to them, though this isnt really continued) I think the lack of meter towards the end is highlighted by the fact that you continue to use rhyme. I think the AA BB rhyme scheme that you have going is interesting and that you could continue to experiment with how that scheme interacts with the meter that you're using. Sorry, if my comment wasn't as in depth as some others, I'm a novice myself.
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S.A.D. -
If the words are forced to rhyme is it really a poem?
... Mark
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Disclaimer: I am new. Eat my words with salt.
(06-07-2015, 09:05 AM)staciamberdawn Wrote: It was a lonely Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight.
Sporting a shit eating grin
and a Rodin sculpted chin.you could place "Rodin" at the end of the line since it also rhymes with grin, and is a more unpredictable choice. Use jaw or something else instead of chin earlier in the line. Along the lines of "and the sculpted jaw of Rodin" or some configuration that fits the rhythm and sounds like you.
Your smile coaxed swipe right.
My future muscle bound knight.
“We should get a beer.”
My shirt is only slightly sheer.
Arrive in a lowered Honda.
Tight jeans vs Anaconda.
I’m glad I didn't swipe left.
First date turned pantie theft.
I love how this is a mondern day love poem. One thought ... I saw in a different comment that this is not about a one night stand. Now that I know that, my romantic parts wish there was something in the poem to that effect, like one more verse. Before I knew that, I loved it like it was. I do wish some of the rhymes were more complicated (I love the Honda/Anaconda one), but only if it can be achieved without force. That's all I've got for now.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
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I like it, very much indeed. But what I think would make it outstanding if you also used the noun tinder, as in "dry, flammable material, such as wood or paper, used for lighting a fire." For example, "your wood was pussy tinder".
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