Southerly

[tomoffing]

Southerly

I remember it keenly;
the cut of a cold snap
gusted from an emptiness
few visit and none endure,
pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that formed it,
and bristling,
having been tempted north
by warmth.

Just go 
she said,

closing the door.

[Wjames]

Southerly

I remember it keenly;
the cut of a cold snap
gusted from an emptiness
few visit and none endure, maybe "and less endure"?
pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that formed it,
and bristling, "and" seems awkward to me after the preceding line. "as the isolaton that formed it" did what? Or did it sting "as fiercely as the isolation that formed it"? (you might want to add an "as before fiercely, or write more after).
having been tempted north
by warmth. I don't like the north/warmth rhyme, but maybe partially because I'm from Canada & North doesn't make me think of warmth. It does seem sort of forced aside from that too.

Just go 
she said,

closing the door. I like the ending.

I liked the poem as a whole, just thought of a few things you might want to think about.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello tomoffing-

I very much like the imagery you create here, and the stinging twist at the end.

One suggestion I have is to lose a couple of the words at the end.  You'll see the ones that I struck-through.

I've pondered "gusted" a few times, and have a bit of trouble with it:  it's probably because "cold snap gusted".  A cold snap doesn't gust, the wind does.  Maybe just a minor thing (but I trip on it every time I read this piece).

All-in-all-- really good one!  
...Mark



Southerly

I remember it keenly;
the cut of a cold snap  the gusts of a cold snap
gusted from an emptiness cutting through the emptiness
few visit and none endure that few visit and none endure.
Pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that formed it,
and bristling.
having been Tempted north
by warmth.

"Just go", she snapped,

closing the door.

[tectak]

Southerly

I remember it keenly;
the cut of a cold snap
gusted from an emptiness
few visit and none endure,
pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that formed it,
and bristling,
having been tempted north
by warmth.

Just go 
she said,

closing the door.

Hi tomo,
I do you no favours by liking this because it becomes my overriding comment. Nits there are few but even by picking at them I cannot see that there is much to advantage the piece as it is. For me,
" ...whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that formed it;
bristling,
having been tempted north
by warmth"

is an improvement BUT only if you feel a burning need to stick to the short line (single word?) style. Sometimes (always) it is useful to write a piece out as prose then re-examine the structure by reading it out loud slowly, noting where the natural (and unnatural but dramatic) pauses occur. Punctuate and enjamb to suit, the two are not mutually exclusive OR supportive. I know this sounds opinionated because it is, but I have a continuing battle of attrition with my own theorising. I am always looking for a piece which bolsters and supports my opinion one way or the other and this piece does neither. In a good way. Love "whet", still in use in these parts.  
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

Tomoffing--

Curious...it sounds like a REALLY painful, broken heart....u still longing?

--Allysum

Please...do not assume that the character depicted in the poetry is the author. Doing so leads to misinterpretation of both the poem by the crit and of the crit by everyone else. Mod

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again-

Something was bugging me about the wording and I think that I've found it;

pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that formed it,
and bristling,

"whet" (sharpen) and "bristling" (stiff and spiky) do not carry over the tone.  Another word for "bristling" is needed, I think.  Perhaps "sharpened" instead of "formed", and then leave out "and bristling'.  

pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that sharpened it.  
...

[Animal Riots Activist]

Southerly

I remember it keenly;
the cut of a cold snap
gusted from an emptiness
few visit and none endure,
pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely-nice continuation of the knife imagery.
as the isolation -This enjambment throws me for a loop; the pacing you've set earlier seems to be thrown off by these shorter lines
that formed it,
and bristling, -I'm not sure what this line is supposed to add. Also as folks have pointed out, this is antithetical to the knife imagery
having been tempted north
by warmth. I really enjoy these two lines.

Just go 
she said,

closing the door.

Much like everyone else, these are really just nitpicks. This poem is really polished, the words seem arduously selected and each serves a purpose. Really nice work, thanks for the read!
-Em