explaining displacement

[FindingJune]

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you.
& autumn became just as fleeting. I
remember red as if it were currency;
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one.

I remember how you fed me oranges
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.

I raise the hem of my skirt;
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I
try to draw a line between us
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me;
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds.

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus-
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruit's flesh and gnaw on the rind.

[tectak]

Hi amanda,
Not without descriptive merit but overloaded with content to the extent that there is very little room to manoeuvre in this small cameo. I don't say this as a complainant, more as frustrated reader who, though happy to follow your thinking, finds that there are areas of the nuptial bed where you have stolen the duvet and I am left in the cold. Examples in the text.
Best,
tectak.

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you. Excellent veracity verse starter. You have set the scene in but a few words and are to be lauded. Where will it go...enticingly titillating.
& autumn became just as fleeting. IOh bugger. What happened? A period followed by an ampersand...not a good sign. We are not in a hurry so write "and" BUT why the period. Oh bugger. What happened? Why enjamb on "I"? It is illogical, unnecessary, halting and an affectation.
remember red as if it were currency;
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one. eg 1.As promised. Not sure of the syntax, here...or worse, you have made a mistake. What does "...and the kiss that claimed us one" mean.Seems senseless.

I remember how you fed me oranges
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I This is an excellent line...but eg 2 you lose me with the enjambment and appear to lose yourself. I am in the cold, shut out because I just do not buy the "as if I were an eggshell" when I want you to say " as if I were brittle AS an eggshell, small and fragile, unable to stand the ("concrete"?) weight of your hands. It seems as if you are thinking past the moment to write the poem.  
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.

I raise the hem of my skirt; When? eg3. When do/did you raise the hem. Where are we now in time and space? Tense trouble
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I Again, wonderfully suited line...but that affectation is now irritating. Even if you try to excuse the "I
(fall of a cliff) try to draw..." by reasoned argument--and I have heard them all--I still will not believe it is anything other than pseudo-poetic. Sorry
try to draw a line between us
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me;
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds. Too many semicolons in this...by one

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus-
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruits flesh and gnaw on the rind. Ditto to all the good things and all the not so good

As a piece of modern, open, liberated and accomplished writing it is going to be considered almost faultless by those who espouse modern, open, liberated writing. This crit is only nit picking the "accomplished" descriptor...and I found it tough. I thought the whole piece quite exceptional.
Best,
tectak

[FindingJune]

Unfortunately I have to run and I don't have time to give your comments the attention they deserve. I will come back to this. I really just wanted to point out that my name Amanda

[tectak]

Unfortunately I have to run and I don't have time to give your comments the attention they deserve. I will come back to this. I really just wanted to point out that my name Amanda

Who the hell was mel?
OK. I fess up...mess up and they tell you their real names Never fails.
Best,
George

[FindingJune]

Hi amanda,
Not without descriptive merit but overloaded with content to the extent that there is very little room to manoeuvre in this small cameo. I don't say this as a complainant, more as frustrated reader who, though happy to follow your thinking, finds that there are areas of the nuptial bed where you have stolen the duvet and I am left in the cold. Examples in the text.
Best,
tectak.

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you. Excellent veracity verse starter. You have set the scene in but a few words and are to be lauded. Where will it go...enticingly titillating.
& autumn became just as fleeting. IOh bugger. What happened? A period followed by an ampersand...not a good sign. We are not in a hurry so write "and" BUT why the period. Oh bugger. What happened? Why enjamb on "I"? It is illogical, unnecessary, halting and an affectation.
remember red as if it were currency;
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one. eg 1.As promised. Not sure of the syntax, here...or worse, you have made a mistake. What does "...and the kiss that claimed us one" mean.Seems senseless.

I remember how you fed me oranges
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I This is an excellent line...but eg 2 you lose me with the enjambment and appear to lose yourself. I am in the cold, shut out because I just do not buy the "as if I were an eggshell" when I want you to say " as if I were brittle AS an eggshell, small and fragile, unable to stand the ("concrete"?) weight of your hands. It seems as if you are thinking past the moment to write the poem.  
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.

I raise the hem of my skirt; When? eg3. When do/did you raise the hem. Where are we now in time and space? Tense trouble
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I Again, wonderfully suited line...but that affectation is now irritating. Even if you try to excuse the "I
(fall of a cliff) try to draw..." by reasoned argument--and I have heard them all--I still will not believe it is anything other than pseudo-poetic. Sorry
try to draw a line between us
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me;
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds. Too many semicolons in this...by one

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus-
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruits flesh and gnaw on the rind. Ditto to all the good things and all the not so good

As a piece of modern, open, liberated and accomplished writing it is going to be considered almost faultless by those who espouse modern, open, liberated writing. This crit is only nit picking the "accomplished" descriptor...and I found it tough. I thought the whole piece quite exceptional.
Best,
tectak

I have been thinking about this for several days. My usual reaction is to explain my word choices and give the backstory. Then I came to the realization, if it doesn't make sense to the reader without explanation, perhaps it needs to be reworked. I will defend my choice to enjamb on "I". I wanted it to be halting and keep the N removed,furthering the displacement.

Off to ponder I go.

[tectak]

Hi amanda,
Not without descriptive merit but overloaded with content to the extent that there is very little room to manoeuvre in this small cameo. I don't say this as a complainant, more as frustrated reader who, though happy to follow your thinking, finds that there are areas of the nuptial bed where you have stolen the duvet and I am left in the cold. Examples in the text.
Best,
tectak.

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you. Excellent veracity verse starter. You have set the scene in but a few words and are to be lauded. Where will it go...enticingly titillating.
& autumn became just as fleeting. IOh bugger. What happened? A period followed by an ampersand...not a good sign. We are not in a hurry so write "and" BUT why the period. Oh bugger. What happened? Why enjamb on "I"? It is illogical, unnecessary, halting and an affectation.
remember red as if it were currency;
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one. eg 1.As promised. Not sure of the syntax, here...or worse, you have made a mistake. What does "...and the kiss that claimed us one" mean.Seems senseless.

I remember how you fed me oranges
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I This is an excellent line...but eg 2 you lose me with the enjambment and appear to lose yourself. I am in the cold, shut out because I just do not buy the "as if I were an eggshell" when I want you to say " as if I were brittle AS an eggshell, small and fragile, unable to stand the ("concrete"?) weight of your hands. It seems as if you are thinking past the moment to write the poem.  
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.

I raise the hem of my skirt; When? eg3. When do/did you raise the hem. Where are we now in time and space? Tense trouble
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I Again, wonderfully suited line...but that affectation is now irritating. Even if you try to excuse the "I
(fall of a cliff) try to draw..." by reasoned argument--and I have heard them all--I still will not believe it is anything other than pseudo-poetic. Sorry
try to draw a line between us
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me;
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds. Too many semicolons in this...by one

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus-
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruits flesh and gnaw on the rind. Ditto to all the good things and all the not so good

As a piece of modern, open, liberated and accomplished writing it is going to be considered almost faultless by those who espouse modern, open, liberated writing. This crit is only nit picking the "accomplished" descriptor...and I found it tough. I thought the whole piece quite exceptional.
Best,
tectak

I have been thinking about this for several days. My usual reaction is to explain my word choices and give the backstory. Then I came to the realization, if it doesn't make sense to the reader without explanation, perhaps it needs to be reworked. I will defend my choice to enjamb on "I". I wanted it to be halting and keep the N removed,furthering the displacement.

Off to ponder I go.

Hi find,
I knew what your response to the "I" enjambment would be, but without appearing to bludgeon you with the blunt implement called "opinion", I made my complaint not because I could not "see" what you were doing but because I could not "hear" what you were doing. In other forums the cleverness of form is often roundly criticised even though the writer feels justified in whatever construction the stanzas take...it is the "I have been thinking about this for several days" scenario. I have read some of your other work and would not have the temerity to argue with you on your own ground, as writer to writer, but the idea of crit is to open up the writer to the reader's thinking, er, I think.
As I READ this I try to hear it in another voice, it is difficult but we can "think" anything we like, but when I fall of the cliff of the lingering "I" it does not make me pause because the isolation of the "I" word precipitates and requires what follows. You, the writer, may well pensively "hold" on "I" but the device is not distinctive enough, or even valid enough, to instill the same in the reader.
Even an old rule, "enjamb on the certainty of what come next", is broken in this piece. And "broken" is probably the mot juste.
In fairness, I am making much of nothing at all but to end a line with "I" gives me no prediction of the next word and that, as you would have me believe, is your purpose. To square the circle then, you have succeeded in making the "halt"...but now one must ask...why?
Best,
tectak

[Todd]

Hi Amanda,

I've wanted to get back to this to critique. I haven't read any of the other critiques so forgive me if there's any repetition. 

Let's start with the title, I'm thinking it means psychological displacement. So when I read it I'm looking for the speaker to shift emotions from an object or person that they should be directed to, to someone less threatening. This may not be correct, but it's what I bring to the poem.

Your handling of the topic, and your word choice so reminds me of Sharon Old's collection Satan Says. If there were an anthology your poem could fit in with some of Olds's work in that book. I don't know if she's an influence but I like similar things in your work that I like in yours. 

To the lines:

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you. --You don't skimp on your openings. These first two lines while sensual also provide some distance which works with your title. The first line does this with its double meaning and directly with its content. The second line (which is maybe the best in the poem) uses parentheses as a shape and an image, but it also does the dual duty of reminding to deemphasize what the speaker is relating much like in grammar (___). So again, intimate closeness juxtaposed with distance.
& autumn became just as fleeting. I--I like the deliberate choice of the ampersand here (I know because you use and later that it is not just a style affectation. Again, the speaker immediately takes what should be an intimate image at the end of line two and moves from word to symbol. There are no words. Autumn to me here makes me think the relationship has hit its peak and is sliding toward its end (winter). It is the realization that as the line says the time together is "just as fleeting." The break on I emphasizes to me that they are not to be thought of as a we.
remember red as if it were currency;--Even without the next line I would have associated this with the womanhood below.
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one.--This feels like it needs an "as" before one. Slightly awkward phrasing. I think I get there but it is a bump in my reading.

I remember how you fed me oranges--The ampersand below is provide that same distance after the memory--at least that's how I take it. It's a coping mechanism.
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I--again love the sensual image, and again the break on the I
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;--Language as a displacement tool (the parentheses, ampersands, now the analogy) the speaker is relating to metaphor one step removed from what is. Very nice. The eggshell image set against the concrete line below really work well together.
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.--Normally, I would see two modifiers like small and brittle and think can we combine these, but a poem is more than its parts. They work for me here though because they build on one another, add tension, and give a sense as to figuratively why they aren't together. One might break, and the other is almost unable to break what he touches.

I raise the hem of my skirt;
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I--Now we introduce the possibility of children.
try to draw a line between us--and is that the line also between them not just a hem line.
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me;--blisters makes me think of herpes in this context
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds.--tight throated blossoms is wonderful here

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus-
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruits flesh and gnaw on the rind.--The oranges add a symmetry to the close. This is a well put together piece. I don't have a lot of criticism for you. Perhaps my walk through the language can let you know where you hit or missed your intention--at least with this reader.

Enjoyed the poem a great deal. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[ChristopherSea]

June,

I like the Freudian psychological connotation of ‘displacement’ as a title and theme herein.
This is written from a very intimate and personal point of view and if it is not autobiographical,
you did an excellent job crafting this narrator’s monolog.

At first, I did not catch the true meaning of ‘came’ until the second line. Here’s what I put between
those parentheses:  (_i_)     Seriously though, it’s a great simile.

I found it intriguing that the one break after an ‘I’ that I would have made was your first one
that you left alone. In the first stanza, dropping ‘left you’ to the next line may have helped
to create dramatic pause and the initial ‘displacement’ or scission in my opinion. I believe you
are splitting off your ‘I’s thereafter to illustrate displacement as well.

The semicolons after ‘currency,’ ‘eggshell’ and ‘me’ may be unnecessary, as they are followed by strophes
that don’t seem like independent clauses, but rather follow in the same vein as the line before. Let’s see
if anyone else concurs.

‘Draw a line’ seems too passive, maybe ‘etch,’’cut’, ‘scratch,’ ‘carve’ or something else would work better.

There is probably a conscious choice in using ampersands to begin lines and ‘and’s within lines,
but I am not getting the why.

Love the use of ‘snuff out’ (murder!) and then the self-flagellation via wasting the sweet flesh and
eating the bitter rind of the orange that once symbolized a sound and loving relationship. Don’t you want
‘fruit’s flesh’ in the last line?

See if anything helps with your next edit. Well done and thank you once again for the help on my piece!/Chris

[FindingJune]

EEEK...I never thought about herpes. I definitely don't want that. That line will be reworked. Thanks Todd.
I wasn't familiar with Sharon Olds. After reading a bit of her works, I see the resemblance.

Tec....because I can
I've changed the lingering "I" in a rough edit. I will have to live with it a while. Your point is taken, but I am still unsure if I agree with it. Did I mention I am terribly stubborn?

Chris...Thanks for the catch on fruit's. I agree with you on "draw a line".

[rayheinrich]

I like each one of the words you left out; how they denied my expectations.
My criticism is that you left too many of the others in.


Wonderful lines:
"two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs
& autumn became just as fleeting"

"remember red as if it were currency"
"the kiss that claimed us one"

still wonderful, but...

"while my fingers played in your hair" <-why the "while" and "in"?

"I remember how you fed me oranges" <- why "I remember how"?

"& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair" <-"while", "in"?

"crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell; <- "crawled
inside your analogy"? (but I appreciate the intellect involved)

"and made love to you as if I were an eggshell" <- "as if I were" -- why not just be the eggshell?

"small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands." <- "small", "concrete"?

While the "draw" in "draw a line" is fine (a stronger word would call too much attention to itself),
the whole phrase "draw a line between us" is a bit too clichéd.

"peel back the blisters" <- Even if you ignore the "herpes" aspect, blisters aren't substantial
enough to be peeled; the skin over them breaks and there's goo and stuff...)  

"the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds" <- wretched excess

"I snuff out my cigarette in the fruit's flesh and gnaw on the rind." <- mind numbing excess.
Sure, some sort a severe finale is in order, but this line (actually the last two lines) launch
the poem into an ironic space it can't escape from.


...and Real Freudian displacement would end like this:

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus

[billy]

sorry for getting back late amanda.
i've read the poem a few times now and i think in places it could be cropped [just inconsequential words and phrases]. for me the I/you at the end of each 2nd line feels awkward. is each I strong enough to have their own lines. you'll still get the pause after it but won't have two I's in single line.
for all my feedback i think it an excellent poem that could be a better excellent poem. back to the ands; it's obvious you meant to use them but meaning to use something doesn't mean it works, for me as a reader it didn't. there are a few more places where words could be cut but it's already been mentioned so i'll just re- affirm it

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you. it's a solid image and simile. great first two lines. straight off i get a sense of loneliness or/and want
& autumn became just as fleeting. I is [&]needed, if so it usually works best as [and] here i think it's excess
remember red as if it were currency;just does add something but is still worth looking at
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one. a suggest would be either add an [as] or use a different word than [claimed]
I remember how you fed me oranges i know each stanza starts with the same meter but the [i remember how] feels excessive. i mention the meter because it's not kept constant elsewhere.
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I again [&] feels wasted/excess
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.
I raise the hem of my skirt;
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I
try to draw a line between us
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me; why the extra line to &? blisters feels a little unclean though i realize it's a metaphor
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds. so that would be green then? i like the words but it feels a bit ott, is it any redder for being a thousand?
I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus- for me this is where the secular [I's] let the poem down it reads awkwardly at the end of the line and the following pause bastardises the following lines.
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruit's flesh and gnaw on the rind.