Out My Window

[milo]

Out My Window


Out my window I can see
the rolling grass, an ancient tree
the wind that blows so freely through it
as if to say there's nothing to it,

a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn.

There is a lady just behind me
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right

so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals.

[Magpie]

Milo, I'm always a bit cautious about commenting on sonnets and other poems that have a meter because I have no understanding of the rules of how it should go. Also I think that most the time people are wanting critique on the meter so I usually leave it to others. Basically I'm saying, sorry for not mentioning the meter but I have left a couple of thoughts on the content.

Out My Window


Out my window I can see
the rolling grass, an ancient tree
the wind that blows so freely through it --- Is it possible to see the wind? Or is it the effects of the wind? 
as if to say there's nothing to it, --- Should there be quotation marks round 'there's nothing to it', I can't quite decide if the 'as if' part makes it not necessary

a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course --- I loved this line, it reminds me a little bit of Lewis Carroll "the sea was wet" - also it fits the type of character in the poem perfectly
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn.

There is a lady just behind me --- On the first read this didn't click with me that he/she was still looking out the window, perhaps some kind of way of reminding the reader or saying that it is a reflection of the lady 
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right

so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals. --- I think these two lines are brilliant as the last lines and I really wasn't expecting them, so the fact that I had laughed at the statue not moving made this ending have more impact 

I really enjoyed reading it. Being led from an idyllic scenario to something tinged with a hint of sadness was unexpected and works well. I struggled to find anything wrong with the content so what I've left is just nitpicking really.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[milo]

Milo, I'm always a bit cautious about commenting on sonnets and other poems that have a meter because I have no understanding of the rules of how it should go. Also I think that most the time people are wanting critique on the meter so I usually leave it to others. Basically I'm saying, sorry for not mentioning the meter but I have left a couple of thoughts on the content.

well, I wouldn't avoid commenting.  I am rarely looking for comments on meter.  A poem really needs to work the same whether the meter is there or not in my opinion. Mostly, I hate rhyming couplets myself, this is one of the very few poems that I used them in.

Out My Window


Out my window I can see
the rolling grass, an ancient tree
the wind that blows so freely through it --- Is it possible to see the wind? Or is it the effects of the wind? 

thank you for making me /facepalm myself.  Of course you can't see the wind!

[/b]


as if to say there's nothing to it, --- Should there be quotation marks round 'there's nothing to it', I can't quite decide if the 'as if' part makes it not necessary

a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course --- I loved this line, it reminds me a little bit of Lewis Carroll "the sea was wet" - also it fits the type of character in the poem perfectly
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn.

There is a lady just behind me --- On the first read this didn't click with me that he/she was still looking out the window, perhaps some kind of way of reminding the reader or saying that it is a reflection of the lady 
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right

so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals. --- I think these two lines are brilliant as the last lines and I really wasn't expecting them, so the fact that I had laughed at the statue not moving made this ending have more impact 

I really enjoyed reading it. Being led from an idyllic scenario to something tinged with a hint of sadness was unexpected and works well. I struggled to find anything wrong with the content so what I've left is just nitpicking really.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

I am glad it worked for you.  It was one of the NaPM poems that I thought might work in the outside world.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[billy]

first off, i openly admit your meter skills far outweigh mine own   but....
opening line has a half foot missing, either that or you're doing something cleverer than i know
and elsewhere in more than a couple of places the meter is licking hairy testicles. [paraphrasing myself there]
the place though ambiguous give just enough choice to work, [nursing home, hospital, country spa perhaps]. some of the end rhymes feel a little forced and gone/lawn don't rock the boat enough for me. the poem itself feels rushed and not really what i would expect from one of the sites better poets.

p.s; i had no problem with you seeing the wind, the brain notices effect and sees the cause, in this case wind. when the apple fell newton saw gravity.

Out My Window
Out my window I can see an [of] would fix the meter here
the rolling grass, an ancient tree best line of poem it has imagery and more or less sets the tone of the place where your window is.
the wind that blows so freely through it if it wasn't a sonnet i'd love the change in meter and pace
as if to say there's nothing to it,
a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn. kinky meter, it would work if you  removed [and from above] but not much better
There is a lady just behind me
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right
so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals.

[Todd]

Hi Milo,

The couplets give this sort of a light, airy quality. At first, the opening to me just seemed like simple set up, a throwaway to get to the better S2 and S3. I think though the speaker is identifying with the ancient tree in L2 and life is blowing freely through him as well, and I like that idea. The statue just comes across as funny because the speaker seems to be reassuring us that he hasn't gone crazy. There's no early onset of dementia. The squirrels not being on this day gives the possibility of tedium, but the speaker makes that come off as more reflective and meditative. In S3, I like your me/me rhyme mostly because it is two different me's so I think it works. It has variety while still being identical words. S3 does a good job fixing the setting as likely an assisted care facility. The idea of cleaning beneath the wheels also gives the sense that the speaker is rooted like the tree (good symmetry).

No real call outs, milo. Final couple I thought of meals on wheels but that may just be me and not everyone. I think if reader's don't see the speaker as identifying with the tree S1 may come off a bit trite in L4--though I'm not suggesting we write to the lowest common denominator. Nit picking here because none of this really caused me any issues.

Best,

Todd

Out My Window


Out my window I can see
the rolling grass, an ancient tree
the wind that blows so freely through it
as if to say there's nothing to it,

a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn.

There is a lady just behind me
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right

so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals.

[milo]

first off, i openly admit your meter skills far outweigh mine own   but....
opening line has a half foot missing, either that or you're doing something cleverer than i know
and elsewhere in more than a couple of places the meter is licking hairy testicles. [paraphrasing myself there]
the place though ambiguous give just enough choice to work, [nursing home, hospital, country spa perhaps]. some of the end rhymes feel a little forced and gone/lawn don't rock the boat enough for me. the poem itself feels rushed and not really what i would expect from one of the sites better poets.

p.s; i had no problem with you seeing the wind, the brain notices effect and sees the cause, in this case wind. when the apple fell newton saw gravity.

Out My Window
Out my window I can see an [of] would fix the meter here
the rolling grass, an ancient tree best line of poem it has imagery and more or less sets the tone of the place where your window is.
the wind that blows so freely through it if it wasn't a sonnet i'd love the change in meter and pace
as if to say there's nothing to it,
a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn. kinky meter, it would work if you  removed [and from above] but not much better
There is a lady just behind me
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right
so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals.

Thanks for reading and commenting, billy

---

Hi Milo,

The couplets give this sort of a light, airy quality. At first, the opening to me just seemed like simple set up, a throwaway to get to the better S2 and S3. I think though the speaker is identifying with the ancient tree in L2 and life is blowing freely through him as well, and I like that idea. The statue just comes across as funny because the speaker seems to be reassuring us that he hasn't gone crazy. There's no early onset of dementia. The squirrels not being on this day gives the possibility of tedium, but the speaker makes that come off as more reflective and meditative. In S3, I like your me/me rhyme mostly because it is two different me's so I think it works. It has variety while still being identical words. S3 does a good job fixing the setting as likely an assisted care facility. The idea of cleaning beneath the wheels also gives the sense that the speaker is rooted like the tree (good symmetry).

ok, I am going to relate my thought track for the beginning, just to kind of lay it out there so I can work on it.

The narrator - although unbeknownst to the reader in the beginning - is wheel chair bound.  Things that freely move (the wind, squirrels, horses, etc) have his wistful envy.  He points out that the horse cannot move, sardonically, because in this case it is a statue.  his knowledge of the squirrels from other days was supposed to get the reader to think - "wow, this guy spends a lot of time looking out his window".  My thought was that the verb flirting would convey some youth and fun to the movement of squirrels.

The tree I have a difficult time setting a modifier for.  Obviously, our narrator may identify with the tree, but we want him to see it negatively - like himself.  i considered words like "hollow" or "rotting" but they would seem to inaccurately portray the reality of an assisted care facility which would tend to have immaculate groundskeeping.

No real call outs, milo. Final couple I thought of meals on wheels but that may just be me and not everyone. I think if reader's don't see the speaker as identifying with the tree S1 may come off a bit trite in L4--though I'm not suggesting we write to the lowest common denominator. Nit picking here because none of this really caused me any issues.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the comments, Todd.

[Todd]

I got the wheelchair with no problem. I also took flirting as a sign of youthfullness, but when coupled with ancient it seems to be more focused on age than on loss of mobility. I didn't get the sense he hated the tree.

Just adding to the feedback. it reads more whistful than despondent.

[milo]

I got the wheelchair with no problem. I also took flirting as a sign of youthfullness, but when coupled with ancient it seems to be more focused on age than on loss of mobility. I didn't get the sense he hated the tree.

Just adding to the feedback. it reads more whistful than despondent.

yes.  I didn't really want hateful, more wistful so that is good.  The focus on age shows that i definitely have a problem with "ancient"

[Magpie]

Milo,
At the risk of making you facepalm yourself again (sorry about that one  ) I was reading what you said about the beginning and the issue about the tree. Now I'll admit that when I read the poem I was oblivious to all the different aspects of the images, the relevance they had and what they symbolised. I realise now that I didn't put enough effort in when I read it. 

After reading the discussion between you and Todd (and learning a lot in the process) I had a thought about the tree and the fact that you said you weren't happy with 'ancient'. If it was 'a foreign tree' would this perhaps solve a couple of the issues. He could still identify with it in the sense that he may himself feel 'foreign' in his current situation when using foreign to mean unfamiliar or something that is in the wrong place. But this could also be seen as him seeing the tree in a negative way, like how some people may refer to others as 'foreigners' with the emphasis being on not liking the fact that they are in their place. However for him to call the tree foreign could also be seen as him seeing it negatively because it is just not common to hear trees described that way and also he would have to know that it was not indigenous which may indicate that he has spent time to find out information about it, like an obsession. Also in ecology a tree or plant that is foreign or 'non-native' is classed as an invasive species which would reinforce the feeling of negativity.

I really hope you didn't 'facepalm' yourself again, I may be seen as a hazard to health and have to display a government warning in future. Yeah, it was a stupid thing that I said about the wind and I didn't mean it literally, it is one of the consequences of still trying to critique in the nicest way possible because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. It is a habit that I need to get out of so your reaction was a perfect reminder.

Cheers,

Mark

[milo]

Milo,
At the risk of making you facepalm yourself again (sorry about that one  ) I was reading what you said about the beginning and the issue about the tree. Now I'll admit that when I read the poem I was oblivious to all the different aspects of the images, the relevance they had and what they symbolised. I realise now that I didn't put enough effort in when I read it. 

After reading the discussion between you and Todd (and learning a lot in the process) I had a thought about the tree and the fact that you said you weren't happy with 'ancient'. If it was 'a foreign tree' would this perhaps solve a couple of the issues. He could still identify with it in the sense that he may himself feel 'foreign' in his current situation when using foreign to mean unfamiliar or something that is in the wrong place. But this could also be seen as him seeing the tree in a negative way, like how some people may refer to others as 'foreigners' with the emphasis being on not liking the fact that they are in their place. However for him to call the tree foreign could also be seen as him seeing it negatively because it is just not common to hear trees described that way and also he would have to know that it was not indigenous which may indicate that he has spent time to find out information about it, like an obsession. Also in ecology a tree or plant that is foreign or 'non-native' is classed as an invasive species which would reinforce the feeling of negativity.

I really hope you didn't 'facepalm' yourself again, I may be seen as a hazard to health and have to display a government warning in future. Yeah, it was a stupid thing that I said about the wind and I didn't mean it literally, it is one of the consequences of still trying to critique in the nicest way possible because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. It is a habit that I need to get out of so your reaction was a perfect reminder.

Cheers,

Mark

I thought your critique before was perfect which is why I facepalmed myself.  It seems so obvious when you say it but we can't always see it for ourselves so that was my way of saying I thought you were pretty much on the mark.  I am going to consider for a bit your more current observation and see what I come up with.  Thanks again!