The Family Tree

[Mark A Becker]

The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight,
as kids fly high and clear
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  

He says it’s not alright
that his own grandkid's folks
should let children play here.

But they say, "Pop's, to kids
it's just a tree, and when
they swing now, they swing free."


The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.


… mb

[ellajam]

Hi, Mark, welcome to the pen, hope you enjoy the stink.

I found this a really effective piece, the title suites it well. Although this is a bit of a light critique for Serious, I had some thoughts I hope will help.

The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  
The white space made me pause at near and consider all the reasons granddaddy might not want to go near the kids, even in the light and brought up all sorts of nasty thoughts about him that don't belong in this poem. I'd prefer the oak line moved up.

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.
The end says it all, well done but "now" is awkward and, for me, unnecessary, I think you could lose it.

… mb

That's all I got, I enjoyed it, good luck with it.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi, Mark, welcome to the pen, hope you enjoy the stink.

I found this a really effective piece, the title suites it well. Although this is a bit of a light critique for Serious, I had some thoughts I hope will help.

The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  
The white space made me pause at near and consider all the reasons granddaddy might not want to go near the kids, even in the light and brought up all sorts of nasty thoughts about him that don't belong in this poem. I'd prefer the oak line moved up.

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.
The end says it all, well done but "now" is awkward and, for me, unnecessary, I think you could lose it.

… mb

That's all I got, I enjoyed it, good luck with it.

Hello ellajam-
Thanks for barking up The Family Tree.  What a revelation your comment was regarding granddaddy.  You are the first to point that out.  I do have a very good reason (in my head, at least) for making the southern oak stand as it's own line, and I'll need a stronger argument to make me change that one.   AHAH! Granddaddy is a pervert!  Really?? I gotta admit, that comment is funnier than hell.

Also- thanks for hitting on the "real issue" for me, as I have re-written the ending several times.  "Now" will stay put for now, but I may shift it back to where I had it previously. (This is part of the personal struggle I have with where in the poem to break its syllabic form).  

I know that the end works for the best emphasis, but your comment has me thinking again about further surgery, at precisely the spot that I hoped someone would crit it.  Not really looking to cut "now" just yet, but appreciate that you spotted the agreed upon area of dislocation.  Hmmm....

Thanks,
...Mark

[Todd]

Hi Mark, welcome to the site! I appreciate you jumping right in with critiques. Let me see if I can offer you anything helpful by way of feedback:

Hello folks-
  I am new to this forum, so I shall introduce myself.  My name is Mark Becker and I live in Herndon, VA with my spouse (Pam), dog (Jack), and cat (Merlin).  I was born in DC and have lived in this area for most of my 60 years, and in Herndon for the past 25.  Our son flew the coop to figure things out on his own.
  I've been writing poems and songs for quite awhile, and criticism is valuable to me: both receiving and giving it.  
  If any of the work I submit here were published, then I wouldn't be submitting it "for further review".  That said, I'll jump into this pigpen, get dirty, and try to oink responsibly.  
  If you so choose, then here's my first piece in the pen for you to take some chews on:  


The Family Tree--This is a great title because of how innocuous it seems, and how it does double duty suggesting changes through the generations and being an actual tree.

Even in broad daylight,--Broad daylight is a bit cliched of a phrase, though I do like how this line sneaks up on you. It took the second read for me to really notice the irony. People in the past used that tree under the cover of night, and now it's being approached in daylight. 
while children laugh and play--subtle implication not only of innocence but that racism and bias are learned.
on the new tire swing,--Good image to suggest the swaying motion. New is also a nice choice as it points out the old by omission.
granddaddy won't go near--granddaddy works to set the region for the poem. I think if you use this you do not need southern in the line below. We start moving too Strange Fruit, but mostly its unnecessary. If granddaddy isn't strong enough pawpaw may work.

that gnarled old southern oak.--This is a great standalone line (barring my one comment on southern) it should stand alone. It is the pivot and the focal point of the poem. 

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there. --I think the lynching history is already implied and this entire strophe is just too telling. Consider cutting it all.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.--I like the repetition of swing. There's no doubt as to meaning. I think if you trust your readers and cut the above strophe less will turn out to be more.


… mb

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Mark, welcome to the site! I appreciate you jumping right in with critiques. Let me see if I can offer you anything helpful by way of feedback:

Hello folks-
  I am new to this forum, so I shall introduce myself.  My name is Mark Becker and I live in Herndon, VA with my spouse (Pam), dog (Jack), and cat (Merlin).  I was born in DC and have lived in this area for most of my 60 years, and in Herndon for the past 25.  Our son flew the coop to figure things out on his own.
  I've been writing poems and songs for quite awhile, and criticism is valuable to me: both receiving and giving it.  
  If any of the work I submit here were published, then I wouldn't be submitting it "for further review".  That said, I'll jump into this pigpen, get dirty, and try to oink responsibly.  
  If you so choose, then here's my first piece in the pen for you to take some chews on:  


The Family Tree--This is a great title because of how innocuous it seems, and how it does double duty suggesting changes through the generations and being an actual tree.

Even in broad daylight,--Broad daylight is a bit cliched of a phrase, though I do like how this line sneaks up on you. It took the second read for me to really notice the irony. People in the past used that tree under the cover of night, and now it's being approached in daylight. 
while children laugh and play--subtle implication not only of innocence but that racism and bias are learned.
on the new tire swing,--Good image to suggest the swaying motion. New is also a nice choice as it points out the old by omission.
granddaddy won't go near--granddaddy works to set the region for the poem. I think if you use this you do not need southern in the line below. We start moving too Strange Fruit, but mostly its unnecessary. If granddaddy isn't strong enough pawpaw may work.

that gnarled old southern oak.--This is a great standalone line (barring my one comment on southern) it should stand alone. It is the pivot and the focal point of the poem. 

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there. --I think the lynching history is already implied and this entire strophe is just too telling. Consider cutting it all.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.--I like the repetition of swing. There's no doubt as to meaning. I think if you trust your readers and cut the above strophe less will turn out to be more.


… mb

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the close read Todd,

It does help to get such thorough criticism.

The oak will stand as its own line since its suggestion as a limb is, to me, the critical line in the poem. I used the word "southern" to insure that the region is identified by this specific type of oak, and I had seen pictures of the southern oak used as a lynching tree, because of its strong low limbs.

I must admit that "southern" also maintains the 6 syllable count/line that I wanted to hold onto until the very end. That way, I could break the syllabics and punch up the ending as forcefully as possible.

All suggestions to cut are taken to heart by me, because I am always looking for ways to construct poems with the fewest words possible. If I could make a one word poem stand up, I'd try to, and other examples of my work that I'll share will show my seriousness about "less".

I had never thought of eliminating the S. with "he says it's not alright..." since I wanted something in there to suggest the inter-generational argument, if you will. I thought it necessary to imply that there are parents within this family tree, not just the kids and granddaddy.

As I said, I am a very big fan of "less is more" (almost to a fault). Still I may need some further agreement until I'm comfortable with losing it. Since I'm so close to the poem, I can cut it without seeing any damage. In fact, I see the added impact gained from doing that. An entirely independent crit advising me to cut it could sell me, but you are the first, so far.

I shall give your suggestions very serious consideration, and I very much appreciate the time you took for such thoughtful comments.

Thanks again, Todd,
... Mark

[Animal Riots Activist]

Hello Mr. Becker, I haven't read any of the other reviews, but I figure I'll take my crack at it before I do. Here it goes:

The Family Tree -some titles have the ability to change the context of the poem so completely. Had I read this poem without this title, I would've read it differently to be sure. I think in this case it works fairly well; it adds a nice double meaning to the poem.

Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play omit laugh. It's a tad cliche, and a bit redundant (often when kids play they also laugh).
on the new tire swing, I find myself wanting more description of the tire swing. The poem seems to ride on it the whole time.
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  -this enjambment would be alright for me if it were in the same stanza. The isolation makes it a bit jarring for me. Still a fantastic line though

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there. The more I read this poem, the more I like these last 2 stanzas.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.


… mb

Overall, fantastic work. Brevity is definitely a gift in my opinion, and you execute it perfectly here. As my comments would suggest, the first stanza needs a little bit of tweaking, but aside from that it really reads like a complete poem. Thanks for the read.

-Em

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Riots-

Thanks for your comments on The Family Tree.  

I'd suspect, that like most poets, ideas come easily to me.  Then I spend a lot of time editing, usually employing "clever" tricks that I use as personal "rules".  Put another way, I determine the shape of the glass, and then pour in the water. Hopefully, the glass remains transparent.

I almost never post a piece until I have exhausted my own edits. I throw a poem to the wolves to get an idea of what I missed.  And then I go back, and decide whether or not to "break the glass", if you will.

In this case, I stuck with 6 syllables per line until the very end, to intentionally punch up the ending. That said, losing a word, like "laugh", way up in L.2 will break the count, yet, probably without negative impact.  

All that said, I post with the intention of finding ways to offset my own "cleverness".  'Short and subtle' is my main rule.

Thanks again.  Any and all feedback is useful to me,
... Mark

[ellajam]

Hello Riots-

Thanks for your comments on The Family Tree.  

I'd suspect, that like most poets, ideas come easily to me.  Then I spend a lot of time editing, usually employing "clever" tricks that I use as personal "rules".  Put another way, I determine the shape of the glass, and then pour in the water. Hopefully, the glass remains transparent.

I almost never post a piece until I have exhausted my own edits. I throw a poem to the wolves to get an idea of what I missed.  And then I go back, and decide whether or not to "break the glass", if you will.

In this case, I stuck with 6 syllables per line until the very end, to intentionally punch up the ending. That said, losing a word, like "laugh", way up in L.2 will break the count, yet, probably without negative impact.  

All that said, I post with the intention of finding ways to offset my own "cleverness".  'Short and subtle' is my main rule.

Thanks again.  Any and all feedback is useful to me,
... Mark

I find when I'm working with a form and decide that a word doesn't add anything to the poem I can often use that spot to add something that does. No need to break it in order to improve it, it just takes a lot of thinking.

[Mark A Becker]

Thank you for the suggestion ellajam.

Replace versus erase is something I'll seek to do in order to maintain the form. And yes, you are correct, it does require more thinking. But then, it took a lot of work to form this "glass" and I'd rather figure out how to retain its transparency, than break it.

Form, to me, is as important in poetry as in playing music. If I were to suddenly blast into a brilliant, but off-key solo during a song, the only thing people would hear is off-key, and the band would be pissed off, as well.

Thanks again for the encouragement to stay true to my style.
... Mark

[Payday Looksee]

Some thoughts on the title: I wasn't sure I loved it at first, and since I've been writing this critique, I've continued to waver. It informs the poem and tells me a bit about how I should read it, and I think that's the best a title can do. I did experiment a bit with it (*see my butchery below)-- I thought about removing the title altogether in favor of something else, and adding a line between 2 and 3 of the last stanza that reads "on that gnarled family tree" or "on that old family tree"-- this allowed for the poem to delay the realization of the family imagery in a dramatic way, and it quieted what I fear is currently a too overt double-meaning. Doing so made "tree" in line 2 of the last stanza superfluous, though, and I think that word is just too perfect there as you have it. As you'll see, I couldn't find anything else that worked nearly as well as what you have. Another detail nags at me- I assume that granddaddy is somehow related to the children, but when the speaker/granddaddy says "respectable folks", it feels like he's referring to strangers. Maybe, though, this is intended- granddaddy stands alone. All this to say, I like the idea of including the reference somewhere, but I worry that it predisposes the reader to a certain reading when it may be more of a thrill to uncover the sentiment in a more subtle way later in the poem.

The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  

I think this line should continue to remain alone. I think of granddaddy standing alone as he watches, and of the dramatic "distance" of a past too troubling to define from the innocence of the present. I don't like "southern", though. I don't see any other "southern" themes, and it doesn't imply the personal history of the "tree" the way the (perfectly chosen) "gnarled" does. I'd suggest "white" instead, as it a) reminds us of granddaddy, b) gives the oak more definition than "southern", c) lends the tree a sort of innocence that intensifies the tension between what granddaddy knows and what the children experience (especially just next to the sinister "gnarled"), and d) avoids what I think of as a tired romanticism (gothic or otherwise) associated with the "southern" in poetry.

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
Is respectable the best word? It seems to me to diminish the gravity of what granddaddy "remembers" about the oak. If this is the tree we went to as kids to get drunk on daddy's whiskey and look at girly magazines, "respectable" is good; but if something considerably worse happened here, as I suspect it has (otherwise, the line shouldn't stand alone), maybe you want something more like "responsible" or "God-fearing" or "folks with half a wit". I do like how "folksy" "respectable folks" is, though-- it makes granddaddy gruff. I think the same of "alright"- seems a little mild for the task. But then again, maybe that's either just how granddaddy avoids disclosing too much about what happened, or since we don't seem to actually hear his words, perhaps "it's not alright / for respectable folks" is how people interpret his literal (unrecorded) words. If either/both are true, it'd be good to have another clue about this elsewhere in the poem. I recognize I'm assuming a lot about the history of the tree...
to let children play there.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree (tire?), and when they swing
on that old family tree
for now, they swing free.

I, too, wondered about "now", but I really enjoy the uncertainty it leaves us with-- they swing free now, but what later? Did granddaddy swing free once?

I notice that everything here is in the present tense. Is it worth considering associating granddaddy with the past tense to underscore the past/present tension? I'm not sure just yet how this would look, but perhaps toying with tense in lines 6-8 could be interesting. Then again, if everything is in the present, it serves to further distance granddaddy from the "now" of the kids, which is nice too. I'm of two minds.

… mb
[/quote]

Thank you for the poem. I really think it has a great effect. I admire that you can stir up so much in so few lines- I have a lot of trouble with that.

[just mercedes]

Hello folks-
  I am new to this forum, so I shall introduce myself.  My name is Mark Becker and I live in Herndon, VA with my spouse (Pam), dog (Jack), and cat (Merlin).  I was born in DC and have lived in this area for most of my 60 years, and in Herndon for the past 25.  Our son flew the coop to figure things out on his own.
  I've been writing poems and songs for quite awhile, and criticism is valuable to me: both receiving and giving it.  
  If any of the work I submit here were published, then I wouldn't be submitting it "for further review".  That said, I'll jump into this pigpen, get dirty, and try to oink responsibly.  
  If you so choose, then here's my first piece in the pen for you to take some chews on:  


The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight, 'broad daylight' feels like a cliche - Even on a bright day?
while children laugh and play  laugh and play ditto, although it echoes the words of Mary had a little lamb, and maybe that's not a bad thing.  - laughing children play?
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  I like the way the white space here seems to suggest that grandaddy is also a 'gnarled old southern oak'. I'm hesitant about three adjectives in a row though.


He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there. I'd like to see 'there' become 'here', just to give a rhyme to 'near' and knit it together further with sonics.


But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing these line breaks feel uneasy - your iambs upset with the last line's 'now'.

now, they swing free.


… mb

Thanks for posting this - I enjoyed the read, it's very close to finished, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you revise. I think the title is great. This made me think of James Baldwin's letter My dungeon shook.

[Cousin Kil]

Hey Mark!
Fellow Virginian here and equally new to the forum
I like this poem a good deal
The most effective thing for me was the line about the oak, with the white space giving the line a feeling apart from the happier ones, those which describe swinging and playing and so forth
What I'd love to see is this contrast made even more drastic, perhaps with some detailing and careful word choice
that will accentuate the drama even more and really hammer home the "oh shit" moment when we realize the tree's implied history
this is not to say that the tree's history should be outlined for us, rather the unsureness about the tree makes for an even more uneasy appearance in the poem
all I'm saying is those happy, bright details could be made sharper for a bigger pay off
hope this makes sense, and all in all cool poem

CK