Tasting Notes

[Julia.rose.q]

I finally found the one to call mine,
who likens me to a drink of fine wine:

Complicated.

Still, he prefers me for the quality,
miraculously. With him, I am free.
-----
Hey everyone! This is my first poem to post (ever, anywhere : )
I have some issues with it, but most notably (for me) is the cliche "I am free," but that's the exact feeling I'm trying to express: freedom to be oneself, unencumbered, etc. And of course, the rhyme works, but I'm afraid it looks like I used it simply [because[/i] the rhyme works. In any case, suggestions for that issue are welcome, as well as other feedback!

[Leanne]

This is a really solid use of analogy. "I am free", while perhaps overused is, as you say, conveying what you want it to. It's not technically a cliche as you're linking it to something specific rather than just tossing it out there as a shortcut. I'd be slightly more concerned about "miraculously", which does actually seem like a throwaway. Keeping "free" at the end of the line, perhaps you could think of another wine metaphor to build that last line up more.

[Julia.rose.q]

Thanks for the feedback, Leanne! I love how readers see what we're blind to. I picked miraculously early in the process because I wanted to emphasize the subject's incredulity at being valued FOR complexity, but I later revised the above line to include "still" which accomplishes the same thing, more subtly.

I like the idea of extending the wine metaphor. Maybe I'll change the last line to something like "He savors my nuance. With him, I'm free."

Thanks for giving me something to chew on!

[milo]

I finally found the one to call mine,
who likens me to a drink of fine wine:

Complicated.

Still, he prefers me for the quality,
miraculously. With him, I am free.

I think "Tasting notes" is a great title.
L2 gets a little too Seussian imo with the mine-fine-wine which makes it difficult to take seriously.


The end seems like it wants to be a turn, but it doesn't capture the effect of a turn. "Still" is the indicator. It is like reading the sentence " . . . he is a great person, still he is good".

[Julia.rose.q]

Milo, good feedback, thanks!

The comment about the "still" interests me. When I wrote it, I figured being called "complicated" by a guy isn't usually a good thing, so you know, despite that he STILL prefers...Do you think complicated doesn't come across as typically negative? Or it does, but the still isn't providing the meaning I intended it to?

Others, feel free to chime in as well!

[milo]

Milo, good feedback, thanks!

The comment about the "still" interests me. When I wrote it, I figured being called "complicated" by a guy isn't usually a good thing, so you know, despite that he STILL prefers...Do you think complicated doesn't come across as typically negative? Or it does, but the still isn't providing the meaning I intended it to?

Others, feel free to chime in as well!

Actually, that is a great question. I considered that maybe what you were going for but, like most poets, complicated seems pretty cool to me.  I think maybe most people prefer complicated these days - the stigma may be a little old fashioned which is why I called it out.  If you consider complicated negative than the turn works fine. 

[QDeathstar]

instead of still you could use something that is more clear in its contrast..

somehow comes to mind off hand, but I don't really like it in that poem. Also, I don't this you can change complicated. it just fits.

[kaijoy2]

I really like the length here, short and sweet, the concision gives the poem more weight due to its ephemerality in my opinion. I also like how isolated you made the word "complicated", it works as a bridge between the first and last stanzas adding nuance to both. I also think that with a poem of this length, your use of rhyme is spot on and even necessary. The placement of "miraculously" is interesting though I dont know how well it works, I dont think it adds much to the poem personally.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Julia-  First, welcome.

That first posted poem is always a hard one to get out.  Fortunately, you went the "keep it short" route.

I finally found the one to call mine,  ending on a soft spondee (//) is a bit tricky for me to read or speak
who likens me to a drink of fine wine: another soft spondee, with probably too much rhyming

Complicated.  good reference back to the wine, or metaphorically, you

Still, he prefers me for the quality,  since the poem is a "set-up" to this last stanza, you may need to reconsider how you end this one. Quality hints back to the wine...
miraculously. With him, I am free. ... but miraculously seems to come out of nowhere.  "free" I'm afraid doesn't describe anything specific, and at this point it needs to punch

Really good idea for a first post/poem.  I'd suggest maintaining the wine theme all the way through.  Words like "miraculously" and "free" may seem OK at first, but they are too abstract to be of much use in a poem this short: every word matters.  Perhaps a little research into terms used to describe wine tasting will help.  Search for words like: crisp, savory, tawny, fleshy, juicy, refined, and on and on...

Good luck!
... Mark

[Todd]

Hi Julia,

I'm glad this thread got bumped. I missed reading this. Here are some comments for you.

Lets start with the title: Tasting Notes. I like it. I think it's interesting enough and it sets up the conceit of the poem. It also makes me think of mixing up the senses a bit (synesthesia) tasting something that you would normally hear.

I finally found the one to call mine,
who likens me to a drink of fine wine:--This is a good set up idea.

Complicated.--While I see what you're going for here. I don't get the sense of tasting notes. A thought, maybe treat it like a wine tasting and free associate characteristics the partner sees in the speaker in wine tasting terms, ending with complicated.


Still, he prefers me for the quality,
miraculously. With him, I am free.--I don't mind the I am free at all.
-----
Hey everyone! This is my first poem to post (ever, anywhere : )
I have some issues with it, but most notably (for me) is the cliche "I am free," but that's the exact feeling I'm trying to express: freedom to be oneself, unencumbered, etc. And of course, the rhyme works, but I'm afraid it looks like I used it simply [because[/i] the rhyme works. In any case, suggestions for that issue are welcome, as well as other feedback!

Other things I might have commented on have already been discussed. I hope these comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Obadiah Grey]

I suspect its very good for a first ever poem, ( wish mine was as good ) you managed to avoid superfluous words and kept it short and punchy.
Perhaps you could replace the rather ordinary "complicated" with something wine related to continue the metaphor. (but thats just nit picking)
Maybe get rid of "miraculously" and replace it with something with the same count of syllables between the words "am,, and,, Free".

Sorry for the crap critique, Julia,

Obi

[pdvarona]

Such a short poem, but it sure does pack a punch. I absolutely the wine metaphor, especially the "still" line. I feel like it really conveys the imagery you were going for. In regards to the "I am free," I think rather than it being a cliche it feels like you needed a way to end the poem. While I do get what you were presumably trying to say with that line, I think you could find a more exact way of wording it. I am free is sort of vague, and being more precise in your language choice could really heighten the quality of the poem. I loved it as a whole, very well written and easily relatable.

[John]

Hi, Julia,

I enjoy short and punchy poems (subject matter aside), because the author makes every word count. I've only a couple of points in addition to that already said, but they're sticking points.

The theme as I read it is a comparison of you to wine. Fine. (No pun intended.) So what does your first line contribute? Is it important that you 'finally' found someone, or important that what you found is someone able to compare you? What I don't see is why the reader should care.

The next two lines, ...who likens me to a drink of fine wine: Complicated. is all over the internet in the form of the gag:
My boyfriend likens me to a bottle of fine wine- complicated. Greetings cards, email jokes, you name it. It's so common, it's almost a meme.

Is it worth thinking about a comparison with a type of or named wine? Just saying 'wine' invites what wine? And 'complicated' is so open to interpretation, that its punchiness is confined to the word, not its meaning or evocation. Marry those two points with explicit and well-chosen imagery, and this short work could rocket.

As for the title, well - what could better it? You've encapsulated the whole poem in two words.  

I finally found the one to call mine,
who likens me to a drink of fine wine:

Complicated.

Still, he prefers me for the quality,
miraculously. With him, I am free.
-----
Hey everyone! This is my first poem to post (ever, anywhere : )
I have some issues with it, but most notably (for me) is the cliche "I am free," but that's the exact feeling I'm trying to express: freedom to be oneself, unencumbered, etc. And of course, the rhyme works, but I'm afraid it looks like I used it simply [because[/i] the rhyme works. In any case, suggestions for that issue are welcome, as well as other feedback!