Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Jun 2015
She picks up her umbrella,
Heads out for the day
She walks out into the shade
No light will touch her translucent skin today.
Sweat wetting her black attire
as her body shrinks.
All of the fat she needs
melting away.
The wick.. almost gone.
A star in the room of her mind.
It is so far away, barely flickering.
She knows she is a skeleton.
She knows she must eat.
But she would rather disappear.
The stigma eats her away.
An affliction of the mind?
She doesn't know how to turn it off.
A train station in her mind.
These racing thoughts.
So she walks.
The ocean stretches, reaching for her shoes.
She imagines washing her body
the way she washes her tools
She can feel eyes piercing through her.
Eyes in her mind.
Her perception of the world. Her world.
A fragmented place.
Everyone picks her apart.
But they don't exist.
A step forward, a few steps more.
The cold washes them into the abyss.
It doesn't silence her mind.
But it muffles the trains.
____________________
____________________.
Posts: 8
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2015
Interesting....I'm intrigued by the story you're trying to tell.
1. Last line....separate them into 2.
2. "The wick...almost gone" stanza: what are you trying to say? It isn't clear to me.
Other than that, this was a very interesting read. Your point is made clear effortlessly....reads like a narrative, but your meter pulls it together into a lovely piece of poetry. Good job!
She picks up her umbrella,
Heads out for the day
She walks out into the shade
No light will touch her translucent skin today. (Good intro)
Sweat wetting her black attire
as her body shrinks.
All of the fat she needs
melting away.
The wick.. almost gone. (I recommend removing this whole stanza or replacing it, ruins the rhythm of the poem)
A star in the room of her mind.
It is so far away, barely flickering.
She knows she is a skeleton.
She knows she must eat.
But she would rather disappear.
The stigma eats her away. (Loved this whole stanza)
An affliction of the mind?
She doesn't know how to turn it off.
A train station in her mind.
These racing thoughts.
So she walks.
The ocean stretches, reaching for her shoes.
She imagines washing her body
the way she washes her tools (How does she wash the tools?)
She can feel eyes piercing through her.
Eyes in her mind.
Her perception of the world. Her world.
A fragmented place. (I would suggest ending this line with a question mark at the end, it forces the reader to ponder about the poem more)
Everyone picks her apart.
But they don't exist.
A step forward, a few steps more.
The cold washes them into the abyss.
It doesn't silence her mind.
But it muffles the trains.
____________________
___________________
Your poem leaves a clear impression on me when I read it, in that sense I believe you have accomplished what you were trying to. Perhaps of my own fault, I have a hard time relating some of the more introspective pieces of the work,
"The wick.. almost gone.
A star in the room of her mind.
It is so far away, barely flickering."
It would be a lie to say it doesn't make sense with the subject matter. It would probably also be incorrect to say that it's unnecessary. Despite this, I can't help but feel it is cliche and doesn't do the narrative driven parts any justice. Another example could be,
"Everyone picks her apart.
But they don't exist.
A step forward, a few steps more.
The cold washes them into the abyss."
At the beginning of the poem, I had a very clear image of the character, but by this point I'm completely lost upon that aspect. Almost every line of the poem by this point appears to take place within the character's mind and I really disagree with that choice of direction. It's almost like the setting changes entirely to a dream without any justification, leaving me dissatisfied.
Another way of thinking about it could be, you've introduced (with striking imagery by the way!) a really interesting place to tell a story and then abandon that element to divulge ideas dealing with your message laboriously 'til the end.
I feel like I could just be interpreting the transitions badly, but that could be a good point of reform or reconsideration anyway. My suggestions are probably not suited for direct editing. As I said in the beginning it really did leave a clear impression on me, so kudos for that.
Posts: 67
Threads: 0
Joined: Jan 2015
(06-04-2015, 05:34 PM)Tryingtobe_____ Wrote: She picks up her umbrella,
Heads out for the day
She walks out into the shade
No light will touch her translucent skin today.
Sweat wetting her black attire
as her body shrinks.
All of the fat she needs
melting away.
The wick.. almost gone.
A star in the room of her mind. ( I'm thinking these two lines go with the last two of the previous stanza, meaning her body is a candle, fat melting like wax, and her spirit is the wick with the flame about to go out. If so,then maybe you could make the connection clearer:
All of the fat she needs is melting away; the wick, almost gone,is a star in the room of her mind).
It is so far away, barely flickering.
She knows she is a skeleton.
She knows she must eat.
But she would rather disappear.
The stigma eats her away.
An affliction of the mind?
She doesn't know how to turn it off.
A train station in her mind.
These racing thoughts.
So she walks.
The ocean stretches, reaching for her shoes.
She imagines washing her body
the way she washes her tools
She can feel eyes piercing through her.
Eyes in her mind. (Paranoid about her body/weight?)
Her perception of the world. Her world.
A fragmented place.
Everyone picks her apart.
But they don't exist. (Good description of paranoia)
A step forward, a few steps more.
The cold washes them into the abyss.
It doesn't silence her mind.
But it muffles the trains. (I like this )
____________________
____________________.
Hi. I read this poem as being about a woman with an eating disorder and it's effect on her mind. It's well done. I've noted a few thoughts, above. Thank you for the read of this. :-) Grace
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Jun 2015
Wow. Grace.
One feedback award is not enough. You deserve 5
Thank you!
you got it
I'll work on it
Thank you
