Triptych Edit #1

[Animal Riots Activist]

Edit #1:

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia
         All you can eat

It’s very pretty to be
sitting on the quad
eating quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism.

* * *

There’s a man with two contorted hands,
wrenching light from his optical computer.
Ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
he codes marionette personas to flow out,
to manage, curate, and patronize a little
joke store inside a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard
as he awakens
from a night terror

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as they both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor


Original:

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia = All you can eat

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor


-Em

[tectak]

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi den
  to cannibals

Academia = All you can eat

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
     as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor

---

There was some spatial work I did with this one, but I can't figure out how to include it on the forum which is a bummer. But I'm not too heartbroken that it doesn't show up and it looks fine without it so I'd like to workshop it as it appears.

-Edit: Hey what do you know! It didn't show up in the preview but it showed up when I submitted it. Wooo!

-Em

Hello ani,
It ill becomes me to say this but through ignorance I am completely unable to offer any comment on the cerebral virtue in this piece. I must leave that to others.
From a technical viewpoint, and accepting the expressed failings in the "spatial" parameter, I must again accept that I am not up to the task as it is difficult to  crit what is not there.
From a poetic platform, and I do feel elevated, there is nothing in the piece which gives me any pleasure. A complete right to freedom of expression often, as here, produces this sort of tangled, tortuous pros with absolutely no structure or context. Lack of punctuation, though permitted, only works when there is at least  some guidance through the jungle by say, meter or by grammatical exactitude...neither of which I see in this piece.
I ask myself "What is the writer seeing that I cannot see?" Then I think "Actually, I don't really give a damn, because that is what the poem should do"...but it doesn't.
In conclusion, and I apologise if this is more about my interface with this effort than about the "poem" itself, I have absolutely no idea what it is about. That is the great pity, because poetry should at least provoke a distillate of understanding, even if only because the reader feels a need to "see" what the writer sees. In this, the piece fails for me, and of greater tragedy, I really don't care. I do not think you do, either.(about whether I care, I mean)
Sorry. Even though "Triptych" raises the spacial element to a higher plane, without knowledge a priori of the subject matter I am left flummoxed.
Best,
tectak

[Leanne]

Hiya Em -- this is some enjoyable poetry indeed. The formatting looks good and serves to emphasise rather than just being gimmicky, so that's one trap neatly avoided.

The absurdity of the opening image gets the brain started immediately and we know we're not in for the standard ride -- however, I am not at all sold on the Academia= idea. I wonder what you'd think about putting a colon after "cannibals" and going with "all-you-can-eat academia"? As is, I feel that it breaks the flow and feels like too heavy an attempt at a punchline.

Liking the quad/quadriceps a lot.

I mostly miss the second tych -- I get the feeling it's a gamer reference so maybe I miss it by being nerdnotgeeky... of course, it could be a troll... I get loads of ideas out of it but I'm not settling on anything, which is maybe not a bad thing at all but I feel you're going for something specific.

In part three, the viper/vapor bookends work well and the incongruity of a snake shifting into a person (or a snake with people feet, that could be cool... but yeah, probably not, I know... ignore me, I'm tangenting again) brings this back to feelings of betrayal, deceit, a warning unheeded... I love the way it shifts under scrutiny and although I'm not eating the same dish you served up, I really like the way you've set the table.

[billy]

i had to dig deep to remember what triptych meant...thanks.

i can't see how i'm able to give constructive feedback, mainly because i like it a lot. you'd ask how can he like it if he can't understand the latter to panels? the middle panel lost me simply because i couldn't follow or understand what was being said/shown maybe someone who should be deep in study but really doing something else.
the latter reads perfectly and i feel i should be more on the inside than the outside, looking at windows with paper on. while it reads as a well thought out piece of poetry it is perhaps beyond my ability to see into it.wish i could have been more help.

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals  i like the build up and then the snap back to the pay off this line offers.

Academia = All you can eat the line works but i'm not sure the equal sign works well enough, would a line space do a better job?

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps i stumble over [a] ceps, even though i know it's right, is the [a] needed?
over a potbelly fire. good tie in to the canibal meme.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave. while it reads well and the ten ten ties it to the above, i got lost pretty quickly, could be my fault but couldn't grasp what was being shown

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor i can't fault it apart from feeling i'm not being let in on the secret. whose dancing whose the snake?

---

There was some spatial work I did with this one, but I can't figure out how to include it on the forum which is a bummer. But I'm not too heartbroken that it doesn't show up and it looks fine without it so I'd like to workshop it as it appears.

-Edit: Hey what do you know! It didn't show up in the preview but it showed up when I submitted it. Wooo!

-Em

[Todd]

Hi em, 

Welcome to the site! This is a fun piece. Let me try to give you some comments below as I engage with it. I'm not certain I'm picking up your intent at all so where I take this could be very off.

Triptych--so from the title I'm looking for a either a common theme between three images or maybe a larger idea or concept divided into three faces, also these could each be individual triptychs between the sections.

A “ten times ten”--I can't determine why this is placed in quotes. I also am not sure what ten times ten conveys other than a large study hall, maybe a way of conveying a 100% or all people. You use that phrasing below without quotes so perhaps its to give a sense of scale and ratio. Ten times ten also could suggest I guess rote learning and put limits on creativity. Just free associating a bit.
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals--so, a type of study hall looks like a sushi house to cannibals. I like this. When I think of a Sushi bar I think of a lot of variety, color and presentation. So perhaps this is a place where all kinds of variety enters only to be eaten.

Academia = All you can eat--This would imply that formal learning is a buffet.  Perhaps a buffet that you can gorge yourself on. The concept may be important to you, but I don't like the line. A couple reasons if you are going to spell out times above and not use an "X" than I'd like to see equals spelled out. That said, I also don't like the "and here's how you interpret what you see" quality of the line. I think it limits the work.

It’s all very pretty--This feels like a throwaway line to me. I don't think it adds much and if you were to cut it the piece would probably be strengthened.
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.--These three lines are a great sequence.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.--Not sure if I like this aside either. If these are individual triptychs then you need something here, if they link then probably not. It might end better with "over a potbelly fire"

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,--love this image and phrasing.
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,--This makes me think of Stephen Hawking reimagining the sled somewhat. 
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

No real issue with the content, but in most (not all) triptychs you expect the biggest portion to be the middle one and this feels underdeveloped. 

* * *

a viper is heard--snake in the garden sense

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing love how this works with the final strophe.

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor-- I'm not seeing the thematic connection between the pieces but I love the phrasing in this section. 


I'll make a slight attempt at interpretation

First Section: People go to University/College and consume rote ideas and concepts.


Second Section: Some turn cynical, see behind the curtain and use the information learned in parody.


Third Section: Viper subtly implies the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. There is the pressure of lost innocence/idealism hardwood floor bowing. We dance like vapor unwilling to have our constructs collapse.


I realize it's probably a big reach. Especially enjoyed section 3. If it were a visual piece instead of a poem section 3 seems like it would sit in the middle--though my interpretation could be so off that that really isn't the case.

---

There was some spatial work I did with this one, but I can't figure out how to include it on the forum which is a bummer. But I'm not too heartbroken that it doesn't show up and it looks fine without it so I'd like to workshop it as it appears.

-Edit: Hey what do you know! It didn't show up in the preview but it showed up when I submitted it. Wooo!

-Em

Enjoyed the read. I hope some of the ramble helped.

Best,

Todd

[bena]

As a preface:  I need to know how you got the "spatial" thing to work...I've been trying for years as I have a tendency to use line breaks and odd spaces for emphasis in my work and cant seem to get it to work.  Send me a pm please.

As to the poem:  there is much to like about this piece.  I don't know if I'll add much on my observations but I'll give it a whirl.








Triptych


A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals 

Academia = All you can eat 

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor

---

Third section is perfectly fine but I'm not connecting it at all to the other two.  I love viper/vapor though.  I suppose I might not be looking hard enough, but perhaps you can add something to let the reader know how this relates.  Perhaps I am just dense.


It was extremely fun reading an accomplished poet with a different and interesting voice, so keep them coming!

mel/bena

[ellajam]

Hi, em, I would ordinarily wait a bit longer to comment but I wanted to get in before you poked at the middle, my favorite part. So here are my first thoughts.

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals
I don't understand the 10x10 study hall, and are the cannibals fish? I'm lost.

Academia = All you can eat

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.
This I can understand, competition, yes? Fun to read and picture.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.
I'm not sure you couldn't find a less conversational way to say this.
* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.
Oh, I love this part, the ten ten key key. I picture the #ends of the keyboards lined up like sled dogs, the speed matches the lightning above. I'm not too sure about wrenched or "at his desk" yet.
* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor
I like the white space and the hardwood bowing with the splinter and the vapor but I'm lost with lattice, and I don't know who you both are.

---

There was some spatial work I did with this one, but I can't figure out how to include it on the forum which is a bummer. But I'm not too heartbroken that it doesn't show up and it looks fine without it so I'd like to workshop it as it appears.

-Edit: Hey what do you know! It didn't show up in the preview but it showed up when I submitted it. Wooo!

-Em

Good luck with it.

[Animal Riots Activist]

Thank you all so much for your comments. There's a lot to respond to here, so I guess I'll go in order.

Tec, while I appreciate your input, it befuddles me as to why it took you so many words to say "this 'poem' isn't my cup of tea," to which I say, fair enough. However, I did try to take into account your desire for more clarity (a common thread among you all) and your desire for proper punctuation (to a point) when making my first edit.

Leanne, I think the crux of adding to the understanding really comes from adding more to the second stanza, and you're totally right about going for something specific. In the end, these three tychs need to be tied together much stronger than they were in the original. Thanks so much for the comments! They were extremely helpful. Also the praise is also very nice and much appreciated

Billy, I tried to add more of a tie between these tychs so as to aid understanding in the latter two. And I definitely tried to take to heart the comment that it should feel less like looking from the outside in. Many thanks.

Todd, your interpretation was so extremely helpful; it really told me what i needed to do to sharpen this guy to get my desired meaning across more clearly. I added a bit of continuity/narrative throughout the tychs, let me know if you think it shows too much. I think parts of your original interpretation were really on point (namely tych 1) but the others were either close but a little off or rather far off (namely tych 3 left far too much room for abstraction in the interpretation). Thanks so much.

Mel, I'll send you a PM on it for sure, though I'm not sure what I have to say on spatial arranging will be all that helpful. Also, w/r/t tych 1, I only characterized the students as fish because I liked the interplay/pseudo-consonance between 'study hall' and 'sushi house'. It might be something to look at more in depth in my next edit for sure.

Marcella, I tried to take all of your comments into account, though for the sake of understanding, I ended up pairing out some of the stuff you liked in the second stanza, though hopefully most of it is still intact. Many thanks for the comments and praise!

To all, thank you all again! I think most of what I'm struggling with this one is how much exactly to show, and how much to let the reader fill in. To use a crass metaphor, I think the first draft was somewhat akin to showing as much as a women wearing baggy jeans with holes around the knees. This second edit, feels more like extremely tight booty shorts that show the full butt cheek. Admittedly I haven't sat with it for very long yet, so maybe my opinion on that front will change. Though in the end I'm looking for a happy medium of something like nice fitting shorts that go up above the waist, near the belly button. Cause those really show all that's necessary, outline the really interesting bits, and leave enough covered to allow you to fill in the details.   Oh, also the "10 10" stuff was supposed to be the really meager thread that held them all together, but I decided that really wasn't strong enough.

[tectak]

Thank you all so much for your comments. There's a lot to respond to here, so I guess I'll go in order.

Tec, while I appreciate your input, it befuddles me as to why it took you so many words to say "this 'poem' isn't my cup of tea," to which I say, fair enough. However, I did try to take into account your desire for more clarity (a common thread among you all) and your desire for proper punctuation (to a point) when making my first edit.
Be not befuddled. I took me as long to say why it wasn't working for me as it took the piece to convince me of the fact...it was not that I didn't like tea so much as I just could not tell what was in the cup.This is, to a pointed degree, the general opinion...it is just that I tend to apologise like the curate consuming his egg.
Leanne, I think the crux of adding to the understanding really comes from adding more to the second stanza, and you're totally right about going for something specific. In the end, these three tychs need to be tied together much stronger than they were in the original. Thanks so much for the comments! They were extremely helpful. Also the praise is also very nice and much appreciated

Billy, I tried to add more of a tie between these tychs so as to aid understanding in the latter two. And I definitely tried to take to heart the comment that it should feel less like looking from the outside in. Many thanks.

Todd, your interpretation was so extremely helpful; it really told me what i needed to do to sharpen this guy to get my desired meaning across more clearly. I added a bit of continuity/narrative throughout the tychs, let me know if you think it shows too much. I think parts of your original interpretation were really on point (namely tych 1) but the others were either close but a little off or rather far off (namely tych 3 left far too much room for abstraction in the interpretation). Thanks so much.

Mel, I'll send you a PM on it for sure, though I'm not sure what I have to say on spatial arranging will be all that helpful. Also, w/r/t tych 1, I only characterized the students as fish because I liked the interplay/pseudo-consonance between 'study hall' and 'sushi house'. It might be something to look at more in depth in my next edit for sure.

Marcella, I tried to take all of your comments into account, though for the sake of understanding, I ended up pairing out some of the stuff you liked in the second stanza, though hopefully most of it is still intact. Many thanks for the comments and praise!

To all, thank you all again! I think most of what I'm struggling with this one is how much exactly to show, and how much to let the reader fill in. To use a crass metaphor, I think the first draft was somewhat akin to showing as much as a women wearing baggy jeans with holes around the knees. This second edit, feels more like extremely tight booty shorts that show the full butt cheek. Admittedly I haven't sat with it for very long yet, so maybe my opinion on that front will change. Though in the end I'm looking for a happy medium of something like nice fitting shorts that go up above the waist, near the belly button. Cause those really show all that's necessary, outline the really interesting bits, and leave enough covered to allow you to fill in the details.   Oh, also the "10 10" stuff was supposed to be the really meager thread that held them all together, but I decided that really wasn't strong enough.

[billy]

i'm still not much wiser but feel giddy that i actually got something from the 2nd stanza. even if i'm wrong
i think i get the ten by ten but wont say what i think it is just yet. the last panel still eludes me somewhat, though if i were to stab it in the eye i'd say creationism, big bang and so on. wish i could be more help.

Edit #1:

Triptych

A “ten times ten” i think i get it
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia
         All you can eat  reads better

It’s very pretty to be
sitting on the quad
eating quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism.

* * *

There’s a man with two contorted hands, i know i'm wrong but this part became so clear [stephen hawking]
wrenching light from his optical computer.
Ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
he codes marionette personas to flow out,
to manage, curate, and patronize a little
joke store inside a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard
as he awakens
from a night terror

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as they both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor


Original:

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia = All you can eat

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor


-Em

[Leah S.]

Edit #1: Oof!

Triptych

A “ten times ten” In my ignorance I can only assume "ten times ten" people studying. And a partridge in a pear tree.
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia
         All you can eat

It’s very pretty to be
sitting on the quad
eating quadriceps Cute
over a potbelly fire. What campus allows campfires on the quad?

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism. 'No-one', not 'nothing'. Cannibalism is a state enjoyed by cannibals, not an action performed by them. Unless you are scavenging parts from something to use for repairing a similar something. Then you could be described as "cannibalizing."

* * *

There’s a man with two contorted hands, Where did this man come from and why are his hands contorted?
wrenching light from his optical computer. Is this a contorted metaphor for seeing?
Ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled, What sled, where? Suddenly, while straining to penetrate your imagery, I found myself in the Arctic, squinting in the glaring sun on the snow, clenching the handles of a dog-sled being pulled by ten clattering ten-key keyboards.......
he codes marionette personas to flow out,..... surrounded by little snide puppets........
to manage, curate, and patronize a little ......pushing me onward with little shoves, giving me to understand how fondly proud they are.......
joke store inside a digital tidal wave......of their quaint and adorable store, their little mom-and-pop joke store in the wavering distance, when suddenly a flood of little ones and zeroes issuing from their painted lips bowls me off my feet, capsizing my ten madly barking ten-keys, and carries us off (sled, ten-keys and all) bouncing and sparking, toward a twinkling neon storefront in the distance.
Whew!
* * *

a viper is heard By whom?
as he awakens You realize your syntax describes a wide-awake viper with night terrors, right?
from a night terror

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet Nice. I felt that creak.

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten there's that 'ten by ten' again.
splinter lattices
underneath Underneath what? The underside of the splintery floor, or the bottom of bare feet laced with splinters? Ow.
     
      as they both dance Both? Who both? The viper and the sneaking mysterious "he" ?
      on the floor
      like vapor

I also, inexplicably, like this poem. But why?

Original:

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia = All you can eat

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor


-Em

[Todd]

Hello Em,

Now we get into the more subjective nature of edits. Here are some comments below:

Edit #1:

Triptych--This title gives you so much freedom to contrast your imagery between scenes and stay connected by theme. I think you're doing well with pushing it. I think one question to ask yourself though is if you're pushing far enough. I'm not implying that you aren't, it's just something to consider.

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia
         All you can eat--This feels improved. Dropping the = sign helped by not jarring me out of the poem.

It’s very pretty to be--I still don't think this line adds anything, but we can put that down to a style choice at this point. It also doesn't kill the section for me either.
sitting on the quad
eating quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.--I still very much like potbelly fire. I like the juxtaposition of images.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism.--In this case, no idea that cannot be devoured.

* * *

There’s a man with two contorted hands,--I prefer wrenched to contorted here. It's a more interesting word choice. There is nothing that would stop you from using wrenched and then wrenching.
wrenching light from his optical computer.--Optical feels unnecessary unless you're really trying to give a futuristic feel to this.
Ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,--Why not simply ten ten keys. The sled still feels like a wheel chair type image to me (not that that's bad)
he codes marionette personas to flow out,--I don't like personas. Marionettes alone may be stronger. We have a cripple of some sort interacting in an environment where he appears like the representations he creates.
to manage, curate, and patronize a little--Nice dual use of patronize with the line break 
joke store inside a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard
as he awakens--This he makes me think it may be the man in the second scene. It doesn't have to be though.
from a night terror--Perhaps Scene 2 is a dream. Perhaps some image of God pulling the strings on a cosmic joke of an existence. Not sure just free associating a bit.

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as they both dance--I'm not entirely sure who the they is. It could be the Scene two person and this one if they are different, or if there's a duality of sorts.
      on the floor
      like vapor


Original:

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia = All you can eat

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor


-Em

Just some thoughts on it all.

Best,

Todd

[Municipal Alchemist]

How do you do this formatting????? I'd really like to know, some of what I want to post plays with the page space. Looks like you've got a lot of feedback already for this edit, so I hope my thoughts don't clash with it too much, because I didn't read any of it. Fresh eyes, na mean?

Edit #1:

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia
         All you can eat

It’s very pretty to be
sitting on the quad
eating quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism.

1) Rethink if the italics are really necessary. Are those two lines important enough to stand out so dramatically from the entire poem? 2) I get that "10x10" is the common theme, but I really don't get how it describes a study hall, or more exactly, what it's significance in this section is. Maybe approaching the image differently would help. The other two uses make far more sense to me.

* * *

There’s a man with two contorted hands, Don't like "there's a man." bleh. Give us action! how about "A man with two contorted hands / wrenches light from his optical computer"?
wrenching light from his optical computer.
Ten ten-key keyboards lashed to his sled, added a hyphen because grammar, lashed is brilliant
he codes marionette personas to flow out, "marionette personas" is quite a disruptive mouthful to me. Maybe "puppet personas?" that makes alliteration with "patronize" in the next line too, also not so sure about that "flow out" is the best phrase
to manage, curate, and patronize a little "and" is a little intrusive for me, but if your style wants it there, you do you
joke store inside a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard who hears the viper??? I feel like an annoying writing prof, but I don't like the state-of-being verb here either. This is narrative, and a very tense moment! I know you can punch it up more.
as he awakens
from a night terror great personification of viper

wait, the viper woke the man up. Nevermind.

  two steps and again, this is my stylistic instinct, feel free to ignore me
  a creak in the haha our creative writing profs would flip at ending a line with "the." don't change it.
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing i like how both uses of "bowing" can be appropriate here

ten by ten
splinter lattices rhythmically I prefer only one lattice
underneath
     
      as they both dance who is dancing? the feet? the man and the viper? this is the closing moment, there can be no confusion
      on the floor
      like vapor great simile

Good work. The first section is the closest to finished for me, barring the cursory thoughts I had. The second is getting there, I think it can be streamlined more to make the narrative and surreal images pop. I think the third is the most compelling, and the best one to conclude with. It's the right stylistic approach, your imagery is incredibly powerful for how minimalist the writing is. that said, I think it's the farthest from done. I'm confused about the antecedents of pronouns, about who's doing what. Be sure to keep the tight, controlled language as you make changes, that's what makes it so powerful. Finally, I think your overall use of the triptych is successful, there's an uneasy tone binding it all together, and the geometric theme feels very novel.

[Animal Riots Activist]

Hey all, thanks again for your comments, it seems like you all want more context so I'll be a bit more specific in the direction I'm trying to go in my next edit. Basically, the subject of this is the same person throughout the whole thing, though I don't want that to be completely apparent, just implied. In the first stanza, the italicized stuff is his thoughts (it didn't show up but "there's nothing exempt from cannibalism" should also be italics), he is the sledder in the second, and he dances w/ a viper in the 3rd. I need to find a way to make that clear and tie everything together w/o selling out.
Thanks again,
Em