Breathing Water

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

I lay defeated on rotted wood
deep ocean all around me.
I would escape here if I could,
but the only way is drowning.

Oh, take me to a better day,
take me to a dryer place.
Please, please, oh please just stay.
Wreck my sorrow, restore my grace.





inspired by a short story i wrote, which was based on a Macklemore song (Otherside).

[BlowMyWadsworth]

I lay defeated on rotted wood          May benefit from a comma at the end of this line
deep ocean all around me.
I would escape here if I could,
but the only way is drowning.       Love this first stanza, good imagery

Oh, take me to a better day,
take me to a dryer place.
Please, please, oh please just stay.     Who is this in reference to?
Wreck my sorrow, restore my grace.     Strong ending line, but preceding lines do not do it justice

The first stanza of this poem is great; however, I do not believe there is enough sensory detail in the second stanza. The first line (oh, take me to a better day) seems contrived, the second line as well. Furthermore, the third line in the second stanza doesn't fit. There is no prior reference to another being in any of the preceding lines, but I assume you are referring to a lover of some sort. If you put a little work into clarifying who is 'staying,' this poem could have a very strong meaning. Make the reader feel sorrow for the subject, show his or her despair.
You have a very strong beginning to a poem, but more work needs to be put into the second stanza.

[Grace]

I lay defeated on rotted wood
deep ocean all around me.
I would escape here if I could, (I first read this line as "I would escape to the rotted wood if I could", so maybe it needs a "from", e.g:
"I'd escape from here if I could")
but the only way is drowning.

Oh, take me to a better day,  (Stanza 1 is a bad day)
take me to a dryer place.
Please, please, oh please just stay. (In this line, a suggestion is to replace a "please" with  the name of who has met you on the rotted wood in the deep ocean)
Wreck my sorrow, restore my grace.

Hi i.m,

Thank you for this poem, inspired by the short story you wrote in response to Macklemore Otherside.  Id like to read the short story.  The poem I love. It is powerful. G.  

[heslopian]

Almost involuntarily, I started reading this as a monologue by Rose from James Cameron's Titanic as she floats on the raft near the end of the film Seriously, though, though the poem lacks enough texture to be truly memorable (some more precise, original imagery would help), it rolls off the tongue very nicely and shows you have an understanding of rhyme and rhythm. It reminds me a bit of "Not Waving But Drowning" by Stevie Smith: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/learning/poem/175778