Hail Marie edit 2. dale, river, billy

[tectak]

2nd edit

Marie died a week ago.
I can't let go.I can't let go.
I loved her when hair turned grey
like yesterday.Like yesterday.
I touched her hand and stroked her brow,
a memory now. A memory now.
We said goodbye, we cried for you;
friends loved you, too. They loved you, too.
Alone now with your photograph,
I hear your laugh. I hear your laugh.
To sleep, I hold your pillow tight,
alone at  night. Alone at  night.
In chill dawn breeze I make  believe,
I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe.
I doze beside you in the shade.
A dream we made. A dream we made.

Marie died a week ago
but still I see her hair of grey,
and touch her hand and stroke her brow.
Her photograph is on the bed
propped on her pillow by my head.
I cried last night for me, not her.
In every moment she is there.
In dreams she sighs, "Remember me".
I do, I do, my Hail Marie.
tectak 2015

1st edit
Marie died a week ago.
I can't let go.I can't let go.
I loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.
I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now.
We said goodbye, we cried for you.
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too.
Alone now with your photograph.
I hear you laugh. I hear you laugh.
To sleep I hold your pillow tight.
Alone at  night. Alone at  night.
In chill dawn air I make  believe.
I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe.
I doze beside you in the shade .
A dream we made. A dream we made.

Marie died a week ago
but still I see her hair of grey,
and touch her hand and stroke her brow.
Her photograph is on the bed
propped on her pillow by my head.
I cried last night for me, not her.
In every moment she is there.
In dreams you sigh, "Remember me".
I do, I do, my Hail Marie.
tectak 2015

[Mr. Creosote]

Marie died a week ago.
I can't let go.I can't let go.
I loved her when hair turned grey
like yesterday.Like yesterday.
I touched her hand and stroked her brow,
a memory now. A memory now.
We said goodbye, we cried for you;
friends loved you, too. They loved you, too.I am bothered by the slight breech of form, but not sure how to do it any other way
Alone now with your photograph,
I hear your laugh. I hear your laugh.
To sleep, I hold your pillow tight,
alone at night. Alone at night. third alone, I like repeated words when stressing a theme, well done
In chill dawn breeze I make believe
and hear you breathe. I hear you breathe.
I doze beside you in the shade.
A dream we made. A dream we made.

Marie died a week ago
but still I see her hair of grey,
and touch her hand and stroke her brow.
Her photograph is on the bed
propped on her pillow by my head.
I cried last night for me, not her.I wrote once that grief was selfish...this line says the same thing better
In every moment she is there.
In dreams she sighs, "Remember me".
I do, I do, my Hail Marie.
tectak 2015

Beautiful work

[RiverNotch]

The implementation of the commas and no-periods at the end of the pre-repete lines makes them sentences sound all the more chilling, with those emphases on the phrases and just the phrases. NEAT.
Still a bit uncomfortable with the whole second stanza, though; it still feels out of place, like an aside to, to me, an already very romantic piece. It would, I think, be more curious if it played exactly with every idea in the earlier stanza, though: I'm missing the play on the friends' goodbye and the chill dawn shade. And The first line still sort of needs something to make it fit the rhythm more -- er, "Marie, she died a week ago."?