Last Tango in Wonderland 1.1

[Tiger the Lion]

Last Tango in Wonderland (1st edit - Dale/entwife/Todd)

I saw the pictures
from your sister’s wedding;
you in that slit red dress
like you could tango standing still.
 
I could hear the music;

you were looking up at him
with eyes I’ve never seen.




Last Tango in Wonderland (original)

 
I saw the pictures from your sister’s wedding;
you in that slit red dress
like you could tango standing still.
 
You were looking up at him
with eyes I’ve never seen.
 
I could hear the music.

[Erthona]

Hi Paul,

I find the title confusing. Maybe something like "New Eyes", which could act as a double entendre. I think "red slit dress" seems more natural. I'd let go of the last line, as it really doesn't advance the poem, or add anything to it. Then post this in short form/ short poetry.

Dale

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Paul,

I find the title confusing. Maybe something like "New Eyes", which could act as a double entendre. I think "red slit dress" seems more natural. I'd let go of the last line, as it really doesn't advance the poem, or add anything to it. Then post this in short form/ short poetry.

Dale

Thanks Dale. I think I'm agreed with most of your thoughts I'll let it sit for a bit. How do I move this?

[Erthona]

Just ask a mod to move it.

Dale

[Todd]

I love short poems. I know we don't require critique here, but leave me share some thoughts with you.

Last Tango in Wonderland

 
I saw the pictures from your sister’s wedding;--I would consider breaking this line on pictures. I think both pictures and wedding would make good end words in the poem
you in that slit red dress--Great wording
like you could tango standing still.
 
You were looking up at him
with eyes I’ve never seen.
 
I could hear the music.

The problem for me is I think you're ending on the wrong line. I think your emotional power comes from a different place. I'm going to shift this slightly for your consideration. I'll keep to your basic form.


 

I saw the pictures 
from your sister’s wedding;
you in that slit red dress
like you could tango standing still.
 
I could hear the music.
You were looking up at him

with eyes I've never seen.
 
~~~

Just my thoughts,

Todd

[Tiger the Lion]

@Dale, that you are confused by the title is my fault. The poem is missing something to fully expose the title. "Wonderland" was a loose allusion to Allen Ginsberg who too often found himself in the same position as our poor narrator. I wanted the title (and the body) to show that this particular photo was an epiphanic moment for the narrator. - where he realizes a fantasy was indeed a fantasy. But I agree, the title is a little self-indulgent without being fully justified in the rest of the piece. I was about to remove the last line as you suggested but Todd's suggestion to move it up is very tempting so I'm toying with both ideas.

@entwife, brevity is almost always a top priority for me- however I tend to begin a lot of my poems with a conversational tone. It sometimes adds a word or two, but I think it's a habit that I can work at improving. (this does not mean I'm convinced it's a GOOD habit) Having said that, I likely would have offered the same advice had I been critting someone else's work. Go figure.

@Todd, I was trying to find a way to make Dale's suggestions work without the whole thing deflating. The shuffling of the "music" line would NOT have occurred to me. As a matter of fact my edit likely will look very much like your suggested "shift".

Thanks guys for taking the time to read and help me with this. Full credit when I post a revision.

Paul

[Tiger the Lion]

Edit posted. Something's still not right but it's better I think.

[just mercedes]

Last Tango in Wonderland (1st edit - Dale/entwife/Todd)

Hi Paul - I like the edit and the changed position of that music line. I wanted to cut back even further - like so-




I saw The pictures
from your sister’s wedding;
you in that slit red dress
like you could a tango standing still.
 
I could hear the music; Maybe the SC could be a comma

you were looking up at him
with eyes I’ve never seen. I like the way these lines seem to play with synesthesia






Very few words used, yet you show me a complex emotional scene. Thanks!


Last Tango in Wonderland (original)

 
I saw the pictures from your sister’s wedding;
you in that slit red dress
like you could tango standing still.
 
You were looking up at him
with eyes I’ve never seen.
 
I could hear the music.

[Todd]

Last Tango in Wonderland (1st edit - Dale/entwife/Todd)

I saw the pictures
from your sister’s wedding;
you in that slit red dress
like you could tango standing still.
 
I could hear the music;

you were looking up at him
with eyes I’ve never seen.

Paul, I guess for me it all depends on what you're attempting to leave the reader with. It's your use of white space and the stand alone line that determines this.

In the current configuration, here's what I walk away with. The speaker sees a picture of someone their infatuated by. They are so into this moment that they can here the music that they associate with the dress she's wearing. They then notice that the attention is focused on another man with a look that implies there's more than a spark between them.

If you want to emphasis the fantasy I think your standalone line is correctly placed. 

If instead you want to show the moment of cold water recognition when the speaker realizes that his affection is not returned than you'll want to isolate the last line from the rest of the poem.

So this isn't a right or wrong. Its a matter of what you are trying to emphasize.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i want to say change from to of but i'm not sure enough to be emphatic about it
the last lines tie up the short poem well. there's an envy/hurt in it, even perhaps a resignation that she fancies someone else. it does seem like the 1st person's voice is now talking to the woman unless of course he's talking to the picture. i think there's just enough ambiguity for it to work

Last Tango in Wonderland (1st edit - Dale/entwife/Todd)

I saw the pictures
from your sister’s wedding;
you in that slit red dress
like you could tango standing still.
 
I could hear the music;

you were looking up at him
with eyes I’ve never seen.