The Schism of Word and Number (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision 1.5


In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number.

The tree was also not a tree
with fruit blossoming

in metaphor. This was the way
of the word. It craved nuance.

The sun was a spark
blown from the lips of God.

The distant moon, a veiled woman
dancing from her husband.

The word desired language, and before men
would settle on the tongues of animals.

Giraffe would sing an aubade to the birds,
clouds wreathing his head like a crown.

Snake would slither from tree to tree,
as shadows at dusk, coiled like an unasked question.

Sin had not been defined.
The world was without census.

Or in the beginning was the null set.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.
There was one then two,
addition became multiplication,
until the day of the first subtraction;
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting.

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.

The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines

stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.
Q.E.D.

~~~
1.5: Added Couplets to the Word parts (Anne) decided to structure Number differently

Original

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number.

The tree was also not a tree
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way
of the word. It craved nuance.

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower,
a spark blown from the lips of God.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing
from her husband.

The animals would speak their names
to rejoice in each syllable
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle.
Snake was as shadows at dusk.

Sin had not been defined.
The world was without census.

Or in the beginning was the null set.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication,
until the day of the first subtraction;
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting.

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.
Q.E.D.



(An edited poem from the chess thread with Brandon)

[Todd]

Thank you Kreative.

Critique can be a bit overwhelming when you're starting out. Mostly, it is simply here's what I liked and why. Here's what I didn't like and why.

Try cutting your teeth on critique in novice or mild, and when you feel comfortable with it move to serious. You're a reader and your opinion will still have value.

[serge gurkski]

Find it quite witty and elegantly phrased. Can't go in depth right now.

this: "addition became multiplication," bc that indeed was so, I find quite fascinating. It starts a whole firework of associations here (e.g. ancient Egyptian maths. the "invention of "zero", and of course Leibniz and universal language for the sciences
( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characteris...niversalis ) and machine translation to name a few)
Enjoyed the read.

cheers
Serge

[Todd]

Thanks for stopping by and commenting serge. I appreciate the read.

[serge gurkski]

forgot to mention that I dig the title (schism) and that I while reading instantly thought of: code - encoding - decoding and encryption (words are treated as if they were numbers or (decryption). Well, you get the point. ,-)

cheers
serge

[cidermaid]

Hi Todd,
I'll be getting back to this one as soon as I can. First impressions this is a well crafted and conceived poem.
Obviously I am locked into a text that is at once familiar and then again your poem leads me on some new thought paths.
Some intriguing ideas about creation, numerology perhaps and some deep theology....love it.
Your problem was three year old chaos, mine is, youngest daughter's 23rd b'day. Will try again tonight or first thing tomorrow.
Glancing through I think I am going to be hard pressed to make any critiques along the lines of the usual suspects. You are too dammed accomplished to leave too many obvious nits lying around...I think I will have my work cut out to find much to say.
Love the title - the parting of ways of the word and the number. Clever & nice.
Regards
AJ.

[cidermaid]

Worked on this whilst I cooked a meal for everyone! Happy family bickering going on in the background.

I'll post what I came up with so far. These are perhaps not standard crit comments..more just my rambling thought.
See what you make of what i've posted for now and I'll try and finish later...assuming nobody has told me to sit down and keep my daft ideas to myself in between!

The Schism of Word and Number -a great title that says everything, yet gives nothing away. (I’m none the wiser for where the poem will lead me but I’m fed the idea that there will be a separation of ways and or theology).

In the beginning was the word, - famous words. I’m immediately locked into a text and framework of what this is all about. Good solid opener. The word of God – Jesus. So I’m asking myself, Is this going to be about the word made flesh – the gospel account, or is this a reminder of the pre-incarnate word, present and active in creation?
and the word was not the number. – immediately I’m given an interesting idea to think about. There is already another entity at work in this account. The number, who was not part of the creative dynamic. (In the beginning). Liking the stark contrast, the bluntness of statement of the opening two lines emphasises the gulf of difference between the two factors. Oh but hang on, there is a small tell (is this intentional or just casual use of language?) that would suggest the number is in some way equal to the word. There is an ambiguity to the statement “the word was not the number” it is a theological mine field. To maintain the unquestionable sovereignty of the word, I am suspicious the sentence should read… the number was not the word. (Cripes...I’m getting a headache and I’ve only read two sentences!)

The tree was also not a tree really like this. Slots me in the story into Eden. (Adam or his activities should be lurking around here somewhere soon!) The forbidden fruit introduced as just a metaphor that the creative word has placed before his creation as a image rich picture to explain a higher purpose.
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way ? was the way of the word …is the word dead?
of the word. It craved nuance. But again I feel I’ve been set a theological trip wire. Does (did – tense used) the word of highest creative order really crave as such or have a playful side that seeks to use subtle definitions of shade and form to communicate. Is God by definition (above and beyond human understanding) not the opposite of nuance? I’m getting confused. The close of this stanza leads my thoughts to consider the possibility that what is under consideration is not just the surface images as presented. So again the ambiguity of the statements hangs in the air in my mind. Am I still just considering the process of creation or does the title of Word denote a lower form of creativity. (A poet, a theologian )

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower, Beautiful lines here. Lots to be drawn from this but perhaps everyone is getting tired of the verbiage.
a spark blown from the lips of God. Lovely image.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing. Is the moon distant as in geography or characteristics? Is this then meant to be a comment about the relationship between Adam and Eve (man & wife)…more thinking out loud than making a crit. Image of sun and moon in relationship, dancing a courtship that keep each other at arms length (she is veiled), is the image I settled on, then taken to mean a foretaste image of the post Eden penalties of sin – our separation from God.
from her husband. Did you mean from here? Or for.

The animals would speak their names Loved the idea of the rejoicing of the naming and each name being a sound in itself which has a characteristic.
to rejoice in each syllable
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle.
Snake was as shadows at dusk. The stage is set. Adam and Eve are dancing in the light of their God with the full beauty and wonder of the creative power of the word surrounding them. But there are shadows at dusk and within this a entity defined as number also lurks.

Sin had not been defined.
The world was without census. Number has yet to be defined.…and so to the close of part one of the creative process. Nicely done. Nice touch the use of census here to denote the work of the number (Darkness / evil) – re the circumstances surrounding the birth of Jesus.

Or in the beginning was the null set. Clever, reuse of text – the null hypothesis. The process by which a statement is capable of being proven false. The number (evil) makes a takeover bid to claim creation.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds = 6 days. In six days the world and all that we know was created.
consisting of 332 perfect variables. ? too clever for me! I’m thinking it must be a reference to either the mathematics involved in the standard unit of time as being a second as opposed to the more relaxed expression of a day. The only other thing I came up with is that it is connected with the number of essential elements in the universe from which life is built or equally the human gene sequence = (43 genes -containing 332 internal coding exons)

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication,
until the day of the first subtraction;
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.
Q.E.D.

Sorry Todd ran out of time - ready to serve up dinner. Will try and come back to this. Really enjoying the read and the challenge. I know I'm sad and I need to get out more.

[Todd]

Hi AJ, I appreciate your close read and comments. I'll hold off confirming some ideas in thread so as not to give substance to something that does not exist in the poem.

Worked on this whilst I cooked a meal for everyone! Happy family bickering going on in the background.

I'll post what I came up with so far. These are perhaps not standard crit comments..more just my rambling thought.
See what you make of what i've posted for now and I'll try and finish later...assuming nobody has told me to sit down and keep my daft ideas to myself in between!

The Schism of Word and Number -a great title that says everything, yet gives nothing away. (I’m none the wiser for where the poem will lead me but I’m fed the idea that there will be a separation of ways and or theology).

In the beginning was the word, - famous words. I’m immediately locked into a text and framework of what this is all about. Good solid opener. The word of God – Jesus. So I’m asking myself, Is this going to be about the word made flesh – the gospel account, or is this a reminder of the pre-incarnate word, present and active in creation?
and the word was not the number. – immediately I’m given an interesting idea to think about. There is already another entity at work in this account. The number, who was not part of the creative dynamic. (In the beginning). Liking the stark contrast, the bluntness of statement of the opening two lines emphasises the gulf of difference between the two factors. Oh but hang on, there is a small tell (is this intentional or just casual use of language?) that would suggest the number is in some way equal to the word. There is an ambiguity to the statement “the word was not the number” it is a theological mine field. To maintain the unquestionable sovereignty of the word, I am suspicious the sentence should read… the number was not the word. (Cripes...I’m getting a headache and I’ve only read two sentences!)

The tree was also not a tree really like this. Slots me in the story into Eden. (Adam or his activities should be lurking around here somewhere soon!) The forbidden fruit introduced as just a metaphor that the creative word has placed before his creation as a image rich picture to explain a higher purpose.
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way ? was the way of the word …is the word dead?
of the word. It craved nuance. But again I feel I’ve been set a theological trip wire. Does (did – tense used) the word of highest creative order really crave as such or have a playful side that seeks to use subtle definitions of shade and form to communicate. Is God by definition (above and beyond human understanding) not the opposite of nuance? I’m getting confused. The close of this stanza leads my thoughts to consider the possibility that what is under consideration is not just the surface images as presented. So again the ambiguity of the statements hangs in the air in my mind. Am I still just considering the process of creation or does the title of Word denote a lower form of creativity. (A poet, a theologian )--I might have a different word in mind yes

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower, Beautiful lines here. Lots to be drawn from this but perhaps everyone is getting tired of the verbiage.
a spark blown from the lips of God. Lovely image.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing. Is the moon distant as in geography or characteristics? Is this then meant to be a comment about the relationship between Adam and Eve (man & wife)…more thinking out loud than making a crit. Image of sun and moon in relationship, dancing a courtship that keep each other at arms length (she is veiled), is the image I settled on, then taken to mean a foretaste image of the post Eden penalties of sin – our separation from God.
from her husband. Did you mean from here? Or for.
--I did mean from yes, as she was alone with the snake
The animals would speak their names Loved the idea of the rejoicing of the naming and each name being a sound in itself which has a characteristic.
to rejoice in each syllable
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle.
Snake was as shadows at dusk. The stage is set. Adam and Eve are dancing in the light of their God with the full beauty and wonder of the creative power of the word surrounding them. But there are shadows at dusk and within this a entity defined as number also lurks.

Sin had not been defined.
The world was without census. Number has yet to be defined.…and so to the close of part one of the creative process. Nicely done. Nice touch the use of census here to denote the work of the number (Darkness / evil) – re the circumstances surrounding the birth of Jesus.--nice catch, I was also thinking of the result of census under David

Or in the beginning was the null set. Clever, reuse of text – the null hypothesis. The process by which a statement is capable of being proven false. The number (evil) makes a takeover bid to claim creation.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds = 6 days. In six days the world and all that we know was created.
consisting of 332 perfect variables. ? too clever for me! I’m thinking it must be a reference to either the mathematics involved in the standard unit of time as being a second as opposed to the more relaxed expression of a day. The only other thing I came up with is that it is connected with the number of essential elements in the universe from which life is built or equally the human gene sequence = (43 genes -containing 332 internal coding exons) --I can send you a PM on this

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication,
until the day of the first subtraction;
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.
Q.E.D.

Sorry Todd ran out of time - ready to serve up dinner. Will try and come back to this. Really enjoying the read and the challenge. I know I'm sad and I need to get out more.

Great thoughts, thank you again.

Best,

Todd

[cidermaid]

A continuation of the notes offered previously.

Sin had not been defined.
The world was without census. Number has yet to be defined.…and so to the close of part one of the creative process. Nicely done. Nice touch the use of census here to denote the work of the number (Darkness / evil) – re the circumstances surrounding the birth of Jesus.

Or in the beginning was the null set. Clever, reuse of text – the null hypothesis. The process by which a statement is capable of being proven false. The number (evil) makes a takeover bid to claim creation.
Creation an equation “God saw everything he had made, and it was very good.”…but the number didn’t agree and questioned the answer. (Theology here is that all that we understand and encompass as past present and future is included in the “everything he has made”…because God is above and beyond / outside of time / the beginning and the end….so the prefect equation encompasses the fall of man and the plan for man to re-enter Eden). My question is – is this thought process a commonly enough known / accepted idea to be able to reasonably expect your reader to be able to get between the lines of understanding. If this poem is a presentation of an argument or division, the conclusion of which we are about to see extrapolated to a final statement of proven / demonstrated logical outworking (in favour of the word), then there needs to be an understanding of the arguments in the reader, which accordingly need to accessible to the common pool. (I think, [JMHO] and not necessarily targeted at this line, more a general comment…but have failed to explain very well!)
solved in 518,400 seconds = 6 days. In six days the world and all that we know was created.
consisting of 332 perfect variables. ? too clever for me! I’m thinking it must be a reference to either the mathematics involved in the standard unit of time as being a second as opposed to the more relaxed expression of a day. The only other thing I came up with is that it is connected with the number of essential elements in the universe from which life is built or equally the human gene sequence = (43 genes -containing 332 internal coding exons).
Post pm:- I can totally get this line after the explanation and it is kind of neat, but perhaps not accessible to most readers so just become obscure. I personally really like the flow and feel of the line, and (now I see it) it is a clever use of image, but not sure it actually delivers enough info to communicate what you intended. Even if your reader can be bothered to do a Google search nothing pops up that is that readily available. (If going to keep might need a clue at the bottom of the poem. Wait and see if anyone else gets it…might just be I’m slow on this one)

There was one then two, OK, so back to the beginning of Eden to re-examine the “perfect” equation from the perspective of the number. I think this whole stanza works really well. It is simple and yet follows and manages to be a concise and theologically accurate potted version of the fall account in Genesis into 5 lines. Kudos.
addition became multiplication,
until the day of the first subtraction;
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting (period here missing). Nicely understated. Haha!...take that number and perfectly equate it...I knew there was a reason I hate maths and I'm number dyslexic.

The number can neither love
nor hate the word. Beautifully worded summation of the theology of a fallen angel – created being, created to worship, created without freewill yet found wanting. Incapable of disobedience towards the word, now directs hatred towards the objects of the words love (because of jealousy).
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet. Again a well worded stanza with tight reasoning with a great conclusion and clever use of text (the beginning, to end, the Bible and the mission of God (him without beginning and end) presented in a poem

World without end. This is yet another really thought provoking line that makes the reader re-examine what has just been said. It removes any idea of this being a tit for tat schism that will only continue until for the time it takes….no this will go on without end. This (along with the preceding lines sets out the whole Heaven and Hell, blessings and curses option up for consideration as a logical outworking of the premise of the argument / schism). Subtly presented brave words. Q.E.D.

What can I say to conclude? My first initial reaction was about right. This is a well conceived and crafted poem. With the exception of a few very minor (and then only in my opinion) glitches, the text has maintained the integrity of the arguments presented in accord with mainstream thoughts on the subject and has done so (apart from that one line perhaps) in an accessible way.
Good write Todd. Great read.
I really enjoyed this one. (for once I was able to make semi intelligent comments on a given subject...I had to make the most of it while it was on offer!)


Thanks for the read AJ

[Todd]

AJ, thank you for the extensive critique and read. I very much appreciated it. Let's see: I corrected the period, will give some thought to 332, and ask you final question in PM. Thank you again. It's nice to know what conveyed and what didn't. Thank you again for all the work you put into this.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

feedback by kreative removed; one liners do not count/mod

[Anne]

Todd – I went through, looking for a poem of yours to comment on because you so generously helped me with mine (not that I’ll be any help to you, as your writing and powers of observation are keen and precise).  But I’ll try to at least offer up what I take away from your poem.

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number. (Since you switch from “the” throughout the poem, could you use “a number” or “numbers” here?)

The tree was also not a tree
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way
of the word. It craved nuance.

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower, (see, here you could use “the light.”  I’m unclear how chariot and flower are metaphors for the sun - light and spark, I get)
a spark blown from the lips of God.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing
from her husband.  (“from” or “with”? “From” implies a lot and we ask ourselves why?  Were the moon and sun ever together enough to part?)

The animals would speak their names (whose names? – sun and moon I presume, otherwise use “own names ”)
to rejoice in each syllable (“and” rejoice?)
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle. (but the animals are speaking the names – now the word “giraffe” is coming from the brook)
Snake was as shadows at dusk. (this stanza is a bit confusing because it goes from speaking actual names to metaphor in the last line)

Sin had not been defined. (yes)
The world was without census.

Or in the beginning was the null set. (do you need “or”?)
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication, (nice)
until the day of the first subtraction; (is this about Cain and Abel – first death?)
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting. [b](nice)

The number can neither love
nor hate the word. (nice)
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy (do you need this line?  I’m not sure this is true.  Sin is sin and everyone does it.)
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.  (I love this)
Q.E.D.

[milo]

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number.

The tree was also not a tree
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way
of the word. It craved nuance.

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower,
a spark blown from the lips of God.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing
from her husband.

The animals would speak their names
to rejoice in each syllable
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle.
Snake was as shadows at dusk.

Sin had not been defined.
The world was without census.

Or in the beginning was the null set.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication,
until the day of the first subtraction;
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting.

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.
Q.E.D.





(An edited poem from the chess thread with Brandon)

Hey Todd

I never noticed this one a it predated me on the site.  I am certain you have already worked past any true criticism i have to offer at this point but I did want to say that I think the title and concept are brilliant.

[Todd]

Well Thank you, Anne, very nice of you. I'm coming to the end of NaPM, and should probably revisit some of these pieces that are likely 40-50 revisions away from what I want them to be. As I reply, realize that everything is on the table to cut, and while I may explain what I was going for I'm not implying that the execution is where it needs to be. I do appreciate your comments and will try to engage with them below.

Todd – I went through, looking for a poem of yours to comment on because you so generously helped me with mine (not that I’ll be any help to you, as your writing and powers of observation are keen and precise).  But I’ll try to at least offer up what I take away from your poem.

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number. (Since you switch from “the” throughout the poem, could you use “a number” or “numbers” here?) --I hear what your saying, the only reason I thought to keep the in was to mirror John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.

The tree was also not a tree
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way
of the word. It craved nuance.

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower, (see, here you could use “the light.”  I’m unclear how chariot and flower are metaphors for the sun - light and spark, I get)--yeah, when I first did this as an early draft I may have over flourished here. I think tightening it up might be better. Chariot was Greek myth, Flower probably was a nod to Louise Gluck's The Red Poppy (though who knows with me). I think your right. I'll probably condense this into one image: "The sun was a spark blown from the lips of God"
a spark blown from the lips of God.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing
from her husband.  (“from” or “with”? “From” implies a lot and we ask ourselves why?  Were the moon and sun ever together enough to part?)--For me, its definitely a from, because I'm trying to set up the dichotomy between light/dark, word/number, and trying to follow the idea of He separated light from darkness giving one body to govern the day and another the night. There are other reasons but I won't bore you with the minutia of it.

The animals would speak their names (whose names? – sun and moon I presume, otherwise use “own names ”)--That might be confusing yes. I might add "own" or restructure this some.
to rejoice in each syllable (“and” rejoice?)--and is better than to. Good catch
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle. (but the animals are speaking the names – now the word “giraffe” is coming from the brook)--I may have to include "sound of" in front of brook's for clarity.
Snake was as shadows at dusk. (this stanza is a bit confusing because it goes from speaking actual names to metaphor in the last line) --I see what you mean. I may step away from more of a pre-fall Narnia here and simply adapt the lines to be like the snake line and change the focus a little just allowing word to add the nuance without speaking occurring--hope that ramble even slightly makes sense. This will require some thought.

Sin had not been defined. (yes)
The world was without census.

Or in the beginning was the null set. (do you need “or”?)--I think I do, but maybe I'm not giving the reader enough credit in the transition.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication, (nice)
until the day of the first subtraction; (is this about Cain and Abel – first death?)--Yes it is.
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting. [b](nice)[/b]

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.[b] (nice)[/b]
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy (do you need this line?  I’m not sure this is true.  Sin is sin and everyone does it.)--I fully get your point. I wasn't thinking sin here I was more thinking interpretive styles and approach to living. That said, I think might cut the line anyway because it probably isn't necessary.
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.  [b](I love this)[/b]
Q.E.D.

Anne, thank you again. I appreciate your time and observations. I tend to be slow in revision, but I will definitely consider your comments when I sit down to do the work.

Much Appreciated.


Best,


Todd

[Todd]

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number.

The tree was also not a tree
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way
of the word. It craved nuance.

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower,
a spark blown from the lips of God.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing
from her husband.

The animals would speak their names
to rejoice in each syllable
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle.
Snake was as shadows at dusk.

Sin had not been defined.
The world was without census.

Or in the beginning was the null set.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication,
until the day of the first subtraction;
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting.

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.
Q.E.D.





(An edited poem from the chess thread with Brandon)

Hey Todd

I never noticed this one a it predated me on the site.  I am certain you have already worked past any true criticism i have to offer at this point but I did want to say that I think the title and concept are brilliant.

Hey thank you milo. I appreciate the kind words. I think I'm always trying odd things that are probably way beyond my ability to pull off, but I'm glad you see some spark in the concept.

[Todd]

I did a slight revision, not sure if it improved. I'm still too close to it.

[Anne]

I like how you revised S3 (about the sun's creation) and used couplets for clarity in the middle. What if the whole poem was in couplets? They give the poem a nice feel where they occur.

Nice job,

Anne

[Todd]

I like how you revised S3 (about the sun's creation) and used couplets for clarity in the middle.  What if the whole poem was in couplets?  They give the poem a nice feel where they occur.

Nice job,

Anne

Thanks for the comments Anne. I decided to do the couplets for the word section and put the number section in one strophe. It seemed to fit the feel better. We'll see how it works.

Much appreciated,

Todd