on the complexities of a hillbilly

[ajaxthesmall]

(hey guys. this is my first time doing this so help would be much appreciated!)


she boards the bus with a suitcase
full of broken earrings,
torn stockings,
and kitchen knives.
she sits at the front,
does not cross her legs,
uses both armrests when she sits down.
she looks at the bus driver with eyes pilot light blue
under glasses she can’t afford,
slipped into the back pocket of her jeans in the Walgreens bathroom stall,
along with something for those headaches she keeps getting
from the ugly brown tap water she drinks.
she is full of dust and cold wind,
her hair smells like wheat grass and exhaust.
she has weaponized her accent.
she is from somewhere haunted,
somewhere with hotels built
on bulldozed graves.
on the soles of her shoes she has coal
and gasoline
and blood,
and it is not hers.
she has mountains under her fingernails,
she plays clawhammer banjo,
her teeth ache
from the number of times she has swallowed the word “stupid”.
she is tired of your shit.

[Brownlie]

Ok, so I'm bored so I'll give this a go, and I think this is pretty good.

(hey guys. this is my first time doing this so help would be much appreciated!)


she boards the bus with a suitcase  -- Maybe capitalize here.
full of broken earrings,
torn stockings,
and kitchen knives.
she sits at the front,
does not cross her legs,
uses both armrests when she sits down.
she looks at the bus driver with eyes pilot light blue -- Maybe the syntax is a little awkward here.
under glasses she can’t afford,
slipped into the back pocket of her jeans in the Walgreens bathroom stall,  -- I like the line breaking here. If I'm reading right that is. 
along with something for those headaches she keeps getting
from the ugly brown tap water she drinks.
she is full of dust and cold wind,
her hair smells like wheat grass and exhaust.  
she has weaponized her accent. -- I like this, maybe capitalize "she."
she is from somewhere haunted,
somewhere with hotels built
on bulldozed graves.
on the soles of her shoes she has coal
and gasoline
and blood,
and it is not hers.
she has mountains under her fingernails,  -- I suppose somewhat "literally" if it's dirt under there.
she plays clawhammer banjo,
her teeth ache
from the number of times she has swallowed the word “stupid”.
she is tired of your shit.

I don't have much to say, but I think this is pretty cool. I suppose you could play around with the form if you feel inclined. 

[Todd]

Hi ajaxthesmall,

If this is your first time writing a poem, you're doing well. This is loads better than anything I initially wrote. That said, here are some comments for you.

One thing you're doing well is your making concrete specific choices. At this point, the first pass should be to ask yourself what matters? What can you pare down? What can you condense? I'll give you a couple of examples to get started.

(hey guys. this is my first time doing this so help would be much appreciated!)


she boards the bus with a suitcase
full of broken earrings,
torn stockings,
and kitchen knives.
she sits at the front,
does not cross her legs,
uses both armrests when she sits down. She's already sitting down two lines up.
she looks at the bus driver with Her eyes are pilot light blue --Why does it matter if she looks at the bus driver don't shift the focus
under glasses she can’t afford, --This line emphases step two. You need to find ways to make the list of stuff become more than a flat list. It needs to mean something. You do that here. Read Ted Kooser's Abandoned Farmhouse if you'd like an example.
slipped into the back pocket of her jeans in the Walgreens bathroom stall,--Watch your line lengths try to stay more uniform. 
along with something for those headaches she keeps getting
from the ugly brown tap water she drinks.
she is full of dust and cold wind,
her hair smells like wheat grass and exhaust.--As this is novice, I'll end with this comment look for times where you can cut her or she without killing the flow or meaning. This line could do that for instance.  
she has weaponized her accent.
she is from somewhere haunted,
somewhere with hotels built
on bulldozed graves.
on the soles of her shoes she has coal
and gasoline
and blood,
and it is not hers.
she has mountains under her fingernails,
she plays clawhammer banjo,
her teeth ache
from the number of times she has swallowed the word “stupid”.
she is tired of your shit.

It's a good start. This has a nice amount of potential.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[bena]

This is wonderful and it's really difficult to believe it's your first poem ever.  You must have done a ton of reading poetry before attempting it yourself, because it is rare that one just picks up a pen and writes so well without some exposure to the greats.  

At any rate, being a hillbilly...the images you portray so vividly speak to my heart.  I know that  some may say they are nonsensical or too abstract...for those of us "in the know" they are stunning and fresh.  

While your line breaks and minimal commas do work as a substitution for punctuation, I'm not sure---it may just be the grammar nazi in me, but I'd like just a bit more punct.  Think of it as a map for others to navigate your piece.

And like Todd said, since this in novice, I will not do a line by line, although, I'd love to...why not see if Todd could move this to mild?  Just message him or any other mod/admin if you want to!

Nice reading your work, and I look forward to much much more!

mel/bena

[Stalwart]

she boards the bus with a suitcase
full of broken earrings,
torn stockings,
and kitchen knives.
she sits at the front,
does not cross her legs,
uses both armrests when she sits down.
she looks at the bus driver with eyes pilot light blue
under glasses she can’t afford,
slipped into the back pocket of her jeans in the Walgreens bathroom stall,
along with something for those headaches she keeps getting
from the ugly brown tap water she drinks.
she is full of dust and cold wind,
her hair smells like wheat grass and exhaust.
she has weaponized her accent.
she is from somewhere haunted,
somewhere with hotels built
on bulldozed graves.
on the soles of her shoes she has coal
and gasoline
and blood,
and it is not hers.
she has mountains under her fingernails,
she plays clawhammer banjo,
her teeth ache
from the number of times she has swallowed the word “stupid”.
she is tired of your shit.

I really enjoyed this poem! With a little work and extra revision, you'll have a poem that relates an image very well.

Some of the line breaks were a little too contrived, if you understand my meaning. I would have written these lines this way:

on the soles of her shoes
she has coal, gasoline and blood;
it is not hers.

I don't know if there was specific artistic meaning in the way it was written, to me, it was a little awkward.
I think you should consider how you use your lines breaks. Don't make arbitrary choices, make meaningful ones. Maybe you did, and I just didn't get it.

I also think you can go over your sentence structure and word usage. Should it be "and it is not hers" or "It is not her own" or "the blood is not her own."
The first few lines from "broken earrings" to "Kitchen knives" in the beginning seemed a little awkward too, but I can't place my finger on why.
Maybe try using other items she could own; items with names that roll off the tongue better when spoken to be more poetic.

Otherwise, I really liked your poem! It was interesting and painted a complete, and perhaps even more than complete, picture of a hillbilly. I saw every detail in my mind's eye; as a writer or poet, you've accomplished your mission if your reader can say that. Good job!

[ajaxthesmall]

thanks so so much. as someone said i have done way too much poetry reading and i wrote a lot of prose so i guess it helped my poetry more than i realized, till i actually put it down.
anyways, i really appreciate your comments since i was afraid the whole "from the mountains" thing wouldn't work on the outside. it's nice to know at least that those who can relate, do (@bena).
any advice on how to make this more understandable to everyone? i feel like poverty in appalachia is a really big issue and that's what i was trying to write about here but i don't quite know how to do it. what with the whole first time poet thing. but it's super fun, and i've gotten great support and help, so i've been doing it like crazy since this.
thanks so much guys. this is infinitely more helpful than i expected. i really like poetry.
-ajax