Abandoned

[71degrees]

Original

I
Inside my house, the many walls,
all these things interrupting other things

Outside my house, the lines
of my poems, walking on them

II
I see something random
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling


Edit #1

I
Inside my house, lives,
geometric walls, interrupting
solids

Outside my house, walking
in the lines of my poems,
the humming of bees

II
Something random, growing
in the garden, the tap roots
of new tulips

one cock-necked starling, watching
from a garden post, murmuration
separation

[makeshift]

I may have wrote this on one of your poems before, but I always appreciate the brevity/simplicity in what you write. There is a feeling of air in the poem. This one, despite having some concrete images, felt somewhat abstract, especially the first half. Reading this poem a few times I felt like I was going to have an epiphany moment, but it hasnt come, atleast not yet >.< In the end I had a hard time linking the title with the rest of the poem. I left some comments below. Thnx for sharing. ^_^7

I
Inside my house, the many walls, 
all these things interrupting other things This line confuses me a tad, i'm not sure what is interrupting what. Right now I have the house and the walls. I can think of houses and walls interrupting the landscape, hence the inside vs outside thing you have between this stanza and the next. 


Outside my house, the lines 
of my poems, walking on them I like this stanza, even though again i'm left w/o answers. The weird syntax has me thinking of a jigsaw puzzle, like maybe the poem is deconstructed. I thought "lines" was a good line break, it had me thinking about telephone wires. Then "walking on them" brought me back to lines, like a tight rope walker. 


II
I see something random "Random" feels like a weak word. Given the economy of the poem I assume it was chosen with some thought/intentionally but idk its not very evocative. Seems like there may be something better to pair to nameless, that would better get after the anomaly. Maybe I misunderstand your intention here. 
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling This feels like the reward for the rest of the poem. The image is beautiful with something angular between the tulip stalks and the birds necked. I am brought back to the line earlier "all these things interrupting other things"  Though I still have a hard time placing abandoned in here.

[71degrees]

I may have wrote this on one of your poems before, but I always appreciate the brevity/simplicity in what you write. There is a feeling of air in the poem. This one, despite having some concrete images, felt somewhat abstract, especially the first half. Reading this poem a few times I felt like I was going to have an epiphany moment, but it hasnt come, atleast not yet >.< In the end I had a hard time linking the title with the rest of the poem. I left some comments below. Thnx for sharing. ^_^7

I
Inside my house, the many walls, 
all these things interrupting other things This line confuses me a tad, i'm not sure what is interrupting what. Right now I have the house and the walls. I can think of houses and walls interrupting the landscape, hence the inside vs outside thing you have between this stanza and the next. 


Outside my house, the lines 
of my poems, walking on them I like this stanza, even though again i'm left w/o answers. The weird syntax has me thinking of a jigsaw puzzle, like maybe the poem is deconstructed. I thought "lines" was a good line break, it had me thinking about telephone wires. Then "walking on them" brought me back to lines, like a tight rope walker. 


II
I see something random "Random" feels like a weak word. Given the economy of the poem I assume it was chosen with some thought/intentionally but idk its not very evocative. Seems like there may be something better to pair to nameless, that would better get after the anomaly. Maybe I misunderstand your intention here. 
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling This feels like the reward for the rest of the poem. The image is beautiful with something angular between the tulip stalks and the birds necked. I am brought back to the line earlier "all these things interrupting other things"  Though I still have a hard time placing abandoned in here.

Very nice suggestions / critique...yes, helpful. Thanks.

If not "abandonment"...what might the poem suggest to you? Just curious...

[heslopian]

I
Inside my house, the many walls,
all these things interrupting other things

Outside my house, the lines
of my poems, walking on them

II
I see something random
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling

Reading the first line, I was worried that this would be a grammatically tortured angst poem, but actually it's almost the opposite. It's brisk, imagistic, and witty, with perfectly placed commas. It reads like a William Carlos Williams in its deceptively simple language and presentation. It's a landscape with a world beneath it, if that makes sense. Thank you for the read

[aland88]

I
Inside my house, the many walls,
all these things interrupting other things

Outside my house, the lines
of my poems, walking on them

II
I see something random
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling

Reading the first line, I was worried that this would be a grammatically tortured angst poem, but actually it's almost the opposite. It's brisk, imagistic, and witty, with perfectly placed commas. It reads like a William Carlos Williams in its deceptively simple language and presentation. It's a landscape with a world beneath it, if that makes sense. Thank you for the read

I would agree with the William Carlos Williams connotation here, particularly as relates to the last lines. It reminds me a little of the Imagists in general.

[makeshift]

If not "abandonment"...what might the poem suggest to you?  Just curious...

Im not sure exactly. In a way it makes me think of this documentary I saw on some Hippie types who were building sphere houses because "we've been living in rectangles too long"   but maybe, to me, the poem feels more about separation or intersections. I keep going back to "all these things interrupting other things" as a sorta thematic guide. I think about how everything relates to one another: the garden and its content to the house, the birds  to the tulips, and both to the garden. Sacred geometry even comes to mind. 
 

[71degrees]

I
Inside my house, the many walls,
all these things interrupting other things

Outside my house, the lines
of my poems, walking on them

II
I see something random
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling

Reading the first line, I was worried that this would be a grammatically tortured angst poem, but actually it's almost the opposite. It's brisk, imagistic, and witty, with perfectly placed commas. It reads like a William Carlos Williams in its deceptively simple language and presentation. It's a landscape with a world beneath it, if that makes sense. Thank you for the read

I would agree with the William Carlos Williams connotation here, particularly as relates to the last lines. It reminds me a little of the Imagists in general.

I will take this compliment to heart. Thank you. Thank both of you for the Williams nod.

---

If not "abandonment"...what might the poem suggest to you?  Just curious...

Im not sure exactly. In a way it makes me think of this documentary I saw on some Hippie types who were building sphere houses because "we've been living in rectangles too long"   but maybe, to me, the poem feels more about separation or intersections. I keep going back to "all these things interrupting other things" as a sorta thematic guide. I think about how everything relates to one another: the garden and its content to the house, the birds  to the tulips, and both to the garden. Sacred geometry even comes to mind. 
 

Thank you. I like the "geometry" references. I can work w/that.  Yes, thanks.

[bena]

There is much to love in this minimalistic piece. I don't really mind the ambiguity inside the poem itself, but the title is giving me issues as well. I'd like for it to be a summation perhaps...or a better explanation if that makes any sense at all.

In the first section, the 2nd stanza is my favorite image of all, but the arrangement of words themselves bother me. It's almost a misplaced modifier...I don't like to rework others' shit, but I think that's the only way I go here. I would write it like this probably:

Outside my house,
I walk on the lines of my poems.

May not be as whimsical, but it is more clear. Up to you, maestro. I'll keep thinking on a title but it may help if you clue me in a bit.

love ya,
mel

[71degrees]

Edit #1

Severance

I
Inside my house, lives,
geometric walls, interrupting
solids

Outside my house, walking
in the lines of my poems,
the humming of bees

II
Something random, growing
in the garden, the tap roots
of new tulips

one cock-necked starling, watching
from a garden post, murmuration
separation

---

There is much to love in this minimalistic piece.  I don't really mind the ambiguity inside the poem itself, but the title is giving me issues as well.  I'd like for it to be a summation perhaps...or a better explanation if that makes any sense at all.

In the first section, the 2nd stanza is my favorite image of all, but the arrangement of words themselves bother me.  It's almost a misplaced modifier...I don't like to rework others' shit, but I think that's the only way I go here.  I would write it like this probably:

Outside my house,
I walk on the lines of my poems.

May not be as whimsical, but it is more clear.  Up to you, maestro.  I'll keep thinking on a title but it may help if you clue me in a bit.

love ya,
mel

Love a word like maestro  Thanks for the edit. I agree w/everyone that "Abandoned" is the wrong avenue here. I write a lot of poems in my head while walking. Trying to convey two worlds here, the physical and metaphysical (not even sure these are the right terms). When I'm walking, I am the poem. I can go a couple of blocks and not see anything.

[bena]

WOooo I like the new title!!! driveby 2 cents.............

*drops bomb and runs*

[TimeOut]

Original

I
Inside my house, the many walls,
all these things interrupting other things

Outside my house, the lines
of my poems, walking on them

II
I see something random
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling


Edit #1

I
Inside my house, lives,
geometric walls, interrupting
solids

Outside my house, walking
in the lines of my poems,
the humming of bees

II
Something random, growing
in the garden, the tap roots
of new tulips

one cock-necked starling, watching
from a garden post, murmuration
separation

Okay, maybe I'm stupid in the sense I thought the poem began with 'I' in the personal sense. For dumb folks like me, use numbers instead of roman numerals?

In your edit, no offense, you ruined your first stanza. The ambiguity and use of 'things' TWICE in one line is a refreshing voice. Then you refer to a 'them', which is so generic, but very open-ended and inviting. To be honest, you lost your voice ENTIRELY in the edit of that first stanza.

HOWEVER, the second stanza saw a lot of improvement, thematically, in your edit. I only have one critique...PICK ONE, murmuration OR separation. Using both, rhyming, and then separating them with a line break RUINS everything. It's stunted.

Other than that, I really really love this.

[71degrees]

Original

I
Inside my house, the many walls,
all these things interrupting other things

Outside my house, the lines
of my poems, walking on them

II
I see something random
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling


Edit #1

I
Inside my house, lives,
geometric walls, interrupting
solids

Outside my house, walking
in the lines of my poems,
the humming of bees

II
Something random, growing
in the garden, the tap roots
of new tulips

one cock-necked starling, watching
from a garden post, murmuration
separation

Okay, maybe I'm stupid in the sense I thought the poem began with 'I' in the personal sense. For dumb folks like me, use numbers instead of roman numerals?

In your edit, no offense, you ruined your first stanza. The ambiguity and use of 'things' TWICE in one line is a refreshing voice. Then you refer to a 'them', which is so generic, but very open-ended and inviting. To be honest, you lost your voice ENTIRELY in the edit of that first stanza.

HOWEVER, the second stanza saw a lot of improvement, thematically, in your edit. I only have one critique...PICK ONE, murmuration OR separation. Using both, rhyming, and then separating them with a line break RUINS everything. It's stunted.

Other than that, I really really love this.

I like your critique and suggestions. Thank you. One question: are you aware that "murmuration" is the collect noun usage for a flock of starlings? If you don't like it how they are used, okay, but i want you to understand "why' you might not like it while I do. Hope this makes sense. Again, thanks. Like your comments very much.