Superman’s journey to the underworld. Edit

[makeshift]

Edit 2

Almost Faster than a Speeding Bullet

I’m Superman
on a bike
atop the tallest hill in Cleves.

You’re the pinata
that pained to set
it’s candy free.

How could I have stoped
a speeding bullet
I didn’t see?


Edit 1 

I saw bits of you scattered 
across a field—fragments swaying
with grasses, and spirits, and reeds.
You smelled of spring and fresh rain. 

Now transmission towers press cold
metal stalks against the earth’s scalp.
Your dreams still dangle on their wires
like clothes on a line. 

Im superman
on a bike atop the tallest hill in suburbia,
watching the sun crash.

I pedal so fast
that I’m faster than a speeding bullet.
The breeze blows your head back together,
and your dreams, like confetti,
pour over us.

I bundle you in sheets 
of gauze and bandaids
and tape you to the back of my bike. 
We ride to some place distant. 

Its a year ago
i’m snapping a KitKat in half
while you struggle to express
where you want to be. 

Original

You were scattered
across the grasses and reeds
blood mingled with the dew.

You’re in the horizon now
with transmission towers
tethered to what's left
of your eyes.

I’m superman
on a bike
atop the tallest hill in Cleves.

I pedal faster then a speeding bullet,
and the breeze blows
your head back together.

You gasp, “Hell”
I press my palm
tight against your lips.
We ride to Tennessee.

[tectak]

You were scattered
across the grasses and reeds
blood mingled with the dew.

You’r in the horizon now
with transmission towers
tethered to whats left
of your eyes.

I’m superman
on a bike
atop the tallest hill in Cleves.

I pedal faster then a speeding bullet,
and the breeze blows
your head back together.

You gasp, “hell”
I press my palm
tight against your lips.
We ride to Tennessee.

Hi,
Though this is posted in Novice, I feel it is languishing. There may be more than one reason for this but I suspect that crits are finding it difficult to comment on anything you have written without appearing over critical.
Could I suggest that you correct the little errors of grammar (you're not you'r, what's not whats,"Hell" not "hell") and be sure of your imagery (pedalling faster than a speeding bullet is not what you mean. You mean you pedal faster until you are going faster than a speeding bullet). Apart from these little things I cannot work out what this is all about and I am not encouraged to do so by the obscurity of it all.
Finally, you may find that crits alight on your perch if you give crit to others. I am not saying you have not, I have not checked....but it is  good idea anyway.
Best,
tectak

[makeshift]

Thnx for reading and replying tectak. I've corrected the grammar things you've mentioned. I still have to attend the "pedaling" error but I have to negotiate the best way to do that yet. Yeah, I have critiqued others, but more never hurts. Without explaining each stanza, the poem is about a friend who shot himself, and me wishing I could fix that. Its a heavy subject for me, and was difficult to write on. I was trying to not be too heavy handed. Ill keep working on it, thanks again.

[tectak]

Thnx for reading and replying tectak.  I've corrected the grammar things you've mentioned. I still have to attend the "pedaling" error but I have to negotiate the best way to do that yet. Yeah, I have critiqued others, but more never hurts.  Without explaining each stanza, the poem is about a friend who shot himself, and me wishing I could fix that. Its a heavy subject for me, and was difficult to write on. I was trying to not be too heavy handed. Ill keep working on it, thanks again.

I have been there.
Step back.
You cannot fix it.
Pretend.
Write.
That is what poets do...historians write about facts.
tectak

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Makeshift. I agree with tectak. Poems with potential are difficult to crit in novice. (I never want to be the one to spook the talent) This is one such poem. For me, most of the work ahead of you is mercifully contained in one line. 

You were scattered
across the grasses and reeds
blood mingled with the dew.

You’re in the horizon now
with transmission towers
tethered to what's left
of your eyes.

I’m superman
on a bike
atop the tallest hill in Cleves.

I pedal faster then (than) a speeding bullet, Typos aside, bullets don't pedal. I very much like the rest of this strophe, so please give it the start it deserves. The rest of the piece indicates you have the tools. Use them for clarity.
and the breeze blows
your head back together.

You gasp, “Hell”
I press my palm
tight against your lips.
We ride to Tennessee.

Good luck. 
Paul

[makeshift]

Thanks for the feedback Tiger, and tecktak for the wisdom, I appreciate it. I've updated the op. The new version is a lot meatier, but maybe there is some fat that needs 2 be cut. At any rate, I hope this version is more clear.

[Erthona]

Edit 1 

I saw bits of you scattered  
across a field—fragments swaying
with grasses, and spirits, and reeds. (swaying with the grass, spirits, reeds and smelling of spring and fresh rain.)
You smelled of spring and fresh rain. 

Now transmission towers press cold   (Now when?)
metal stalks against the earth’s scalp. (into the earth's scalp, colon)
Your dreams still dangle on their wires (period)
like clothes on a line. 

Im superman   (I'm, or I am. This is not texting)
on a bike atop the tallest hill in suburbia, (on my bike)
watching the sun crash.

I pedal so fast
that I’m (riding/flying) faster than a speeding bullet.
The breeze blows your head back together,  (was their head split apart?)
and your dreams, like confetti,
pour over us. (As this is not a common experience a mechanism needs describing)

I bundle you in sheets 
of gauze and bandaids   (Band-Aids, BTW this image doesn't really work. Maybe "surgical tape and gauze")
and tape you to the back of my bike. 
We (and)ride to some place distant. (distant place)

Its a year ago  (It's or it is)
i’m snapping a KitKat in half (I'm)
while you struggle to express
where you want to be.

If this is an "updated" version, then I fail to see why you did not attend to the errors related to the contraction. Taking care of things like this is the first step towards the difference between a poet and not (talent not withstanding).

Too much ambiguity. I've no idea what this is supposed to be saying. No clue at all. I did like the one image of Superman flying down the hill on his bike.

Best,

Dale

[LorettaYoung]

Edit 1 

I saw bits of you scattered 
across a field—fragments swaying
with grasses, and spirits, and reeds.
You smelled of spring and fresh rain. 

Now transmission towers press cold
metal stalks against the earth’s scalp.
Your dreams still dangle on their wires
like clothes on a line. 

Im superman
on a bike atop the tallest hill in suburbia,
watching the sun crash.

I pedal so fast
that I’m faster than a speeding bullet.
The breeze blows your head back together,
and your dreams, like confetti,
pour over us.

I bundle you in sheets 
of gauze and bandaids
and tape you to the back of my bike. 
We ride to some place distant. 

Its a year ago
i’m snapping a KitKat in half
while you struggle to express
where you want to be. 

Original

You were scattered
across the grasses and reeds
blood mingled with the dew.

You’re in the horizon now
with transmission towers
tethered to what's left
of your eyes.

I’m superman
on a bike
atop the tallest hill in Cleves.

I pedal faster then a speeding bullet,
and the breeze blows
your head back together.

You gasp, “Hell”
I press my palm
tight against your lips.
We ride to Tennessee.

---

Hi: I very much like your edit.  The imagery is stimulating and has a nice natural rhythm.  And, you have really clarified the issues I did not a first understand. Best Loretta

[makeshift]

Thanks LorettaYoung, alphazero, and Erthona.

If this is an "updated" version, then I fail to see why you did not attend to the errors related to the contraction. Taking care of things like this is the first step towards the difference between a poet and not (talent not withstanding).

Yeah, I should have attended to the contractions... No excuses here. I did proof read for small errors like that, but somehow over looked them. Anyway, all of your small corrections make the poem read a lot smoother. I'm not sure why the band-aid image doesn't work, but I'll think on it more. This version of the poem was supposed to be clear, but I guess its not. I seem to always underestimate the distance between my thoughts and the reader. Im working on a new edit that will super clear. Thanks again all.

[ajaxthesmall]

hey there,
i read your edit first, which i think was a mistake on my part. your edit is much, much better than your original and i think it would have been more exciting to watch it grown rather than do it in reverse. so it's a bit harder for me to comment on your edit since i did it this way.
however,
i really think you did a fantastic job of making this more...lyrical. there are images of breezes and fields of reeds and the way this poem reads now is much better suited to those images. the languages itself resembles them more.
there is one and only one thing that i think you did better in the original, and that is the line "we ride to Tennessee."
i absolutely loved that line and i was sad to see it go. the "distant place" takes all the personal feel out of the line, i'm suddenly pulled back to my computer where before i was there with you.
the "faster than a speeding bullet" thing still feels cheesy to me. i think something along the lines of simply saying "i pedal fast" works just as well , since this isn't the type of poem to dance around images. you get straight to them. for example, the kit kat line is one of my favorites in this poem. i admire how easily you evoke simple, emotional images. so the cheesiness of the speeding bullet line sort of undercuts that stuff for me.
also, i was immediately drawn in by the title. love it.
good job
-ajax

[Stalwart]

I feel like this poem jumps into my brain and tears it up.
It has really vivid, haunting imagery, but I'm struggling to understand how it is all connected. I really, really like the 1st, 2nd, and 4th stanzas the most.
I would focus on these three stanzas, tying the superman image/metaphor/or whatever it is into it better. Make that more evident in the rest of your poem.
Play around with the order of the stanzas in your poem. Without changing anything else, I've rearranged the order of my favorite three stanzas from your poem:

Im superman
on a bike atop the tallest hill in suburbia,
watching the sun crash.

I saw bits of you scattered
across a field—fragments swaying
with grasses, and spirits, and reeds.
You smelled of spring and fresh rain.

I pedal so fast
that I’m faster than a speeding bullet.
The breeze blows your head back together,
and your dreams, like confetti,
pour over us.

I really like this poem; it has amazing potential to be whatever you want it to be. You just need to work on clarity, and the focus of your message. I can't wait to see where this takes you.

[makeshift]

Thanks for the replies... Was thinking about this poem again tonight, in hindsight I don't think I like it very much. Here's an edit that I probably also wont like much in hindsight! Rhyme schemes always feel forced to me, but this one happened organically enough that I thought maybe I'd keep it. Thanks again.

[dared]

Thanks for the replies... Was thinking about this poem again tonight, in hindsight I don't think I like it very much. Here's an edit that I probably also wont like much in hindsight! Rhyme schemes always feel forced to me, but this one happened organically enough that I thought maybe I'd keep it. Thanks again.

Hi, first post on this forum and I was happy to find some crazy good poetry in the first pop. I think the originality in some of your imagery is really impressive.
Though having said that, not a big fan on your recent edit, I think your edit 1 version is what you need to go back to and change around, it has so much potential! While your recent edit is good in it's own way, it's just much weaker than edit 1 imagery of the wind blowing back together the person head back together. I found that especially moving. I thought about what I could do to help, I think the biggest problem was structure so I tried to streamline the ideas:

Im superman
on a bike atop the tallest hill in suburbia,
watching the sun crash.
This line has to be first out of all your reiterations, it sets the scene perfectly without giving too much away.

I saw bits of you scattered 
across a field—fragments swaying
with grasses, and spirits, and reeds.
I think this line here hits hardest because you are still trying to figure out what the poem is about and it holds no punches.

I pedal so fast
that I’m faster than a speeding bullet.
I think this part may be too abrupt straight after the heavy scene, but it also shows how the N is in a panicked or manic state going down the hill. Almost like he's racing to save his friend. 

But how could I have stopped
a speeding bullet
I didn’t see? 

Well, probably change the line so you aren't repeating yourself but I think if you can convey what's in the paragraph it'd be good. 

transmission towers press cold

metal stalks against the earth’s scalp.

Your dreams still dangle on their wires
like clothes on a line. 

I think if you can convey the idea of his dreams hanging on the transmission towers as the N is driving past it'd work really well. 

The breeze blows your head back together,
and your dreams, like confetti,
pours over.

Then let the catharsis take place. 

Let's ride to Tennessee.

This being the dream that poured over you. 

Here's also maybe additional resource, your poem reminded me of this viral ad/poem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2caT4q4Nbs

Hope this helps!