Apple Tears

[Hitler]

Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry.
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die.
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow;
I hope to see no apples tomorrow.
I carry a torch, but no need for sight,
against apples, I continue my fight.
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees,
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain.
If I cannot slay them, then I must go.
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree,
I see it plunging off this cliff with me.
As down down I go, to the rocky shore,
Thank God I will think of apples no more.

[Brownlie]

Well, Robert Frost does after apple picking, which this poem reminded me of. I don't think you need to necessarily be consistent with a rhyme scheme like this. You could, for instance, place strategic rhymes for emphasis. 

Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry. -- I don't like the way this line ends. You could easily say, I am afraid of apples on the trees (or something better than that) or you could go into a more dramatic soliloquizing by starting with apples apples, and then continuing with an emotionally distraught speaker. 
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die. -- Possibly the emotion here is too vague,  and the rhyme cry die needs justification ( Not saying I would necessarily do better. 
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow; -- Sorrow is too vague in my opinion.
I hope to see no apples tomorrow. -- There seems to be a  metrical hiccup between apples and tomorrow.
I carry a torch, but no need for sight, -- Seemingly necessary words are omitted here.
against apples, I continue my fight. 
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees,
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain -- English is not working here.
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain.
If I cannot slay them, then I must go.
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree,
I see it plunging off this cliff with me.
As down down I go, to the rocky shore,
Thank God I will think of apples no more.

I made some comments, I sort of like the idea of an apple phobia. I guess I think this poem needs a stylistic revision.

[Erthona]

Four foot accentual verse in rhyming couplets. The weakest part of this form is the rhyming couplets as it takes away any weight of the poem and that rhyming couplets cannot generally be sustained over this many lines. Instead of an AABB rhyme scheme, the writer might consider an ABAB scheme.

Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry.
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die.
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow;
I hope to see no apples tomorrow.    "I hope not to see apples on the morrow"
I carry a torch, but no need for sight, "I carry a torch, not needed for sight"
against (all/these) apples, I continue my fight.
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees,  "From eating these apples to smoldering trees"
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain  "As I find out now..."
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain. "I succumb to the pain."
If I cannot slay them, then I must go. "...then it's I that must go"
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree, "This ripened apple falls from the tree
I see it plunging off this cliff with me.             I see if plunge off the cliff with me."
As down down I go, to the rocky shore,  (one "down")
Thank God I will think of apples no more.

Last two lines:
As down I go to the rocky shore,   (might consider "sharped rock shore" to avoid the cliche.)

Thank God!

I'll not think of apples anymore.

It seems that the basic premiss is not upheld throughout all the poem, that is, that the speaker hates apples and wishes to die as he evidently feels compelled to eat them.
This poem appears to be about twice the length the poem needs to be and the rest appears to be filler at the service of the rhythm and rhyme of the form.
As the speaker never tells the writer why 1. he hates apples, 2. is compelled to eat them 3. why he feel compelled to try and do a reverse Johnny Appleseed, and 4. when he realizes he cannot succeed, why is it necessary to commit suicide?

I think that maybe there is the core of a good poem here, so there is reason to not quit on it yet.

Dale  

[ellajam]

Hi, Ben, welcome to the site. I have to say I'm enjoying this, the whole focus on apples makes me laugh, I can't help it. I suppose the apple could represent sin and make the poem more serious, but as is I just find it fun. The aabb rhymes scheme keeps it lighthearted  too, if that's not what you intended you might consider altering it. You've got a strong hold on the meter, just a few tripping points. A few notes are below, thanks for the read.

Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry.
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die. Thirst to die is odd phrasing.
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow;
I hope to see no apples tomorrow.
I carry a torch, but no need for sight,
against apples, I continue my fight.
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees,
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain find out now
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain.
If I cannot slay them, then I must go.
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree,
I see it plunging off this cliff with me.
As down down I go, to the rocky shore,
Thank God I will think of apples no more.

[Hitler]

Hi, Ben, welcome to the site. I have to say I'm enjoying this, the whole focus on apples makes me laugh, I can't help it. I suppose the apple could represent sin and make the poem more serious, but as is I just find it fun. The aabb rhymes scheme keeps it lighthearted  too, if that's not what you intended you might consider altering it. You've got a strong hold on the meter, just a few tripping points. A few notes are below, thanks for the read.

Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry.
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die. Thirst to die is odd phrasing.
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow;
I hope to see no apples tomorrow.
I carry a torch, but no need for sight,
against apples, I continue my fight.
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees,
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain find out now
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain.
If I cannot slay them, then I must go.
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree,
I see it plunging off this cliff with me.
As down down I go, to the rocky shore,
Thank God I will think of apples no more.

I am glad that someone figured out that this was not meant to be a serious poem. Perhaps it was not made clear enough in the wording, but I found the thought of such hatred for such a simple, stupid thing (for no apparent reason) amusing. I wrote this entirely jokingly though the interpretations on it were interesting, I will admit.

[ellajam]

Hi, Ben, welcome to the site. I have to say I'm enjoying this, the whole focus on apples makes me laugh, I can't help it. I suppose the apple could represent sin and make the poem more serious, but as is I just find it fun. The aabb rhymes scheme keeps it lighthearted  too, if that's not what you intended you might consider altering it. You've got a strong hold on the meter, just a few tripping points. A few notes are below, thanks for the read.

Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry.
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die. Thirst to die is odd phrasing.
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow;
I hope to see no apples tomorrow.
I carry a torch, but no need for sight,
against apples, I continue my fight.
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees,
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain find out now
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain.
If I cannot slay them, then I must go.
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree,
I see it plunging off this cliff with me.
As down down I go, to the rocky shore,
Thank God I will think of apples no more.

I am glad that someone figured out that this was not meant to be a serious poem.  Perhaps it was not made clear enough in the wording, but I found the thought of such hatred for such a simple, stupid thing (for no apparent reason) amusing.  I wrote this entirely jokingly though the interpretations on it were interesting, I will admit.

You still might consider working on the syntax and meter to make it a perfect read.

[Erthona]

Hitler wrote: "I am glad that someone figured out that this was not meant to be a serious poem"

Well you might notice I wasn't being so serious on my critic after all.

Dale wrote: "why he feel felt compelled to try and do a reverse Johnny Appleseed"

See, now that's funny, but you probably didn't get that... well I'm sure that ellapplefellow got it!

In the future I would suggest if you wish people to not mistake your poem for being serious, you should write a poem that actually has humor in it. It also might help to not take backward and non-specific swipes at the people who probably spent considerable time giving you their critique. All of us who have been around awhile have realized that there is a direct correlation between how one treats those who critique one's poem and the quality of critiques (if any) one gets. Giving insults and being dismissive of the critiques and those who write them will have an extremely negative effect on you ability to improve, as it is difficult to do so when no is commenting on your poetry.

Welcome to the site,


Dale

[ellajam]

I particularly liked dale's
"I think that maybe there is the core of a good poem here, so there is reason to not quit on it yet."

And, Ben, we do have a Fun forum for the lighthearted stuff you really don't want to put more work into, tho I think this one would gain from an edit based on some of the crit received here. Even the silly stuuff is worth playing with.

[billy]

i did see your reply where you stated that you wrote it for fun. if that's the case put it in the for fun forum in the three main feedback forums we expect any poem to be done to your best ability, (and we're fine if that ability has yet to be garnered)

unruly syntax does not make for funny poetry okay it looks funny, i'll give you that; but it detracts too much from the poem to be anything other than awkward. as usual i will state they're always exceptions; this is not one of they. in general, back to front english in modern poetry is a no no of arguably the highest order. cliche being another you only have a few of those.

there is good in the poem. sort the reversed text out and change a couple of phrases and you'll have the major edit out of the way; we all edit our poetry [except the very good, or the very bad poets]
you tried to use iambic pentameter and that's admirable. but it has to feel unforced.

Oh Apples! apples, how they make me cry.

it feels like you wrote a series of rhymes out then filled in the lines. it has to seem natural. i'd like to see you work on this if just to get the feel of the editing side of poetry.

Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry.
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die.
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow;
I hope to see no apples tomorrow.
I carry a torch, but no need for sight,
against apples, I continue my fight.
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees,
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain.
If I cannot slay them, then I must go.
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree,
I see it plunging off this cliff with me.
As down down I go, to the rocky shore,
Thank God I will think of apples no more.

[TimeOut]

This comment might touch on what other people have said, but you're forcing your rhyme...like, alot. It would make more sense if it had some type of meter, or accurate cesura, but it doesn't. I love the idea behind the poem, I do, but I get too distracted that this poem reads like Cat in the Hat.