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I was depressed, but now I’m not
For after the battle was fought
The sun will rise, for a new day
And all of those I pushed away
I smile and I hope they see
That once again, I am me.
----
Really really bad! I could've done better but this kinda flowed from me without me really doing anything so I just had to write it.
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To me, this is a nice, simple poem that is easily understood and relatable.
However, it's not good as you said. You switched tenses. You used ridiculous phrasing like, "the battle was fought, the sun will rise, FOR A NEW DAY! GLORY BE TO GOD! LONG LIVE THE KING!!"
ya know
It's cool that this just flew through you, but your thoughts and feelings deserve more than overused metaphors. Now that the piece has a form, you should rewrite it to reflect your actual feelings, instead of settling for the first cliche metaphors that popped into your head.
Hope that helps.
keep writing. otherwise our words are wasted.
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Cyferz,
Tense presents a problem. Possibly solution plus regularize the meter:
I was depressed, but now I’m not;
after the battle has been fought.
The sun rises on a new day
and all of those I've pushed away.
I'll smile and hope that they can see
now once again I am me. (couldn't figure a meter solution for this line)
I'm not saying this is how it should be, but a possibility of how it could look if you work your tenses to better advantage and regularize your meter.
The short and singsong lines with rhyming couplets is probably not the best form for this type of poem (iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets). Maybe going to an ABABCC rhyme pattern would help. Not to be discouraging, but just factual; this is the type of poem you would probably find in an old lady coffee table book.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Your words feel like the joy of overcoming was so positive that it erupted. Now, I think Erthona's advice is very good. Use some form in proper tense to describe that journey more openly, how it felt, your struggles, how you overcame, and the joy can all be expressed. Best Loretta
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I once told someone, "to battle depression is to battle, at the same time, one's best friend and one's enemy.", it is something you must rid, it is a disease; I understand this just 'flowed' out of you, but a poem on depression, for me, could be so much more heartfelt and also emphatic. You could go into great detail on 'how the battle was won' - or soMething like that. I did enjoy the poem, but this is my first critique so I apologise if I have not been too helpful
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(03-31-2015, 12:56 PM)Cyferz Wrote: I was depressed, but now I’m not ( a dot could be inserted here)
For after the battle was fought (you could insert a comma) ('was' could perhaps be replaced with 'is')
The sun will rise, for a new day (dot) (I do not like how the underlined part is written. I believe it could be improved. You could perhaps say : The sun will rise, creating a new day or The run will rise, a new day will emerge or something like that. Just a suggestion )
And all of those I pushed away (comma)
I smile and I hope they see (comma)
That once again, I am me.
----
Really really bad! I could've done better but this kinda flowed from me without me really doing anything so I just had to write it.
Lovely poem, love that even though the subject is depression it has a positive tone. Good job!
just mercedes
Unregistered
(05-07-2015, 07:42 AM)YolaSm Wrote: (03-31-2015, 12:56 PM)Cyferz Wrote: I was depressed, but now I’m not ( a dot could be inserted here)
For after the battle was fought (you could insert a coma) ('was' could perhaps be replaced with 'is')
The sun will rise, for a new day (dot) (I do not like how the underlined part is written. I believe it could be improved. You could perhaps say : The sun will rise, creating a new day or The run will rise, a new day will emerge or something like that. Just a suggestion )
And all of those I pushed away (coma)
I smile and I hope they see (coma)
That once again, I am me.
----
Really really bad! I could've done better but this kinda flowed from me without me really doing anything so I just had to write it.
Lovely poem, love that even though the subject is depression it has a positive tone. Good job!
The 'coma' seems very appropriate somehow.
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(05-07-2015, 01:50 PM)just mercedes Wrote: The 'coma' seems very appropriate somehow. Lies are tragic, the truth is merciless.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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It's a short poem obviously but i appreciate the conciseness and i think you've done a very good job at conveying your message.
For me after reading the 2nd line it feels like it's missing something, like the thought was not fully finished.
I also wonder about your use of punctuation. the commas seem very specific however i feel like it is a run on sentence and i want that interjection on some lines.
Definitely a good start!
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I like the meaning you are trying to convey. Yes, one often must fight many battles when lost in the fog of depression. However, I'm not sure your poem truly conveys the depths of that struggle nor the elation when one has weathered the storm, finally able to start to rebuild and repair damaged relationships. I think that even with very little words you can still convey all of that.
Just keep thinking about your original idea and build on it
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