Telos (A crappy sonnet) (Edit credit-Erthona.)

[Brownlie]

Edit:

She asked me why I said I didn’t know.

Her futile jaw is moving, but she’s won.

This mode of speaking leaves our words undone.

I want to throw my loafers at the crows

who caw as if I were her only woe.

I do not think there is a rising sun

or one that sets we are both skeletons.

We play our petty scenes of strife below.

 

Why do you wear those penny loafers here?

You will track dirt inside our satin bed.

This feud will ebb and fade and reappear.

We were so promptly lowered to be wed.

I think she’s there, but I don’t have an ear.
We are so unsure when we’re living dead.



Original:
A fondness is more lasting than the sun
Or the ennui of a limb-down autumn.
I raise an unknown woman, Mrs. Snow,
Bring flesh-tone blushes to the skeleton,
Of her, that trash-bag full of jumbled dun.
The eye-holes of the skull in-hand now glow
With neon flashlight shined inside the nose,
And now it seems the seasons are undone.                                      
 
You look so lovely with your headdress on.
The quetzal feathers that I bought last week
Accentuate your cheekbones when it’s donned.
I’m sorry that I didn’t fix the leak,
But now my melancholy has withdrawn,
And it will only take a couple tweaks.

[Erthona]

Let me get the form requirements out of the way first. L2 and L14 are off meter. L12 seems totally gratuitous. What rhyme scheme you are going for is completely unfamiliar to me. The point being this at the moment does not look much like a sonnet and I do not think you can get by, by just labeling it "crappy sonnet."
In one place the action does not really seem capable of leading to the conclusion.

"With neon flashlight shined inside the nose,
And now it seems the seasons are undone."

It would seem to me it would take more than a flashlight (I have no idea what a neon flashlight is - seems the two [flashlight - neon light] would be contradictory? Considering the need for a ballast to initiate the neon to glow I don't see how it could be gotten down to the size of a flashlight. Maybe LED flashlights are called neon lights?) shined into the hollow of a skull to overturn the seasons and bring on Halloween.

You may get some grief from some ecophiles with these lines

"You look so lovely with your headdress on.
The quetzal feathers that I bought last week"

Especially as the quetzal is a "rare and possibly endangered" bird.

Beware the ecophile my son,
with boldling eyes and flesh of dun!
Do not of them step counterwize,
unless you wish to be well hung.
(sorry - it's a medical condition,
I've yet to over come)

"But now my melancholy has withdrawn,
And it will only take a couple tweaks."

Your melancholy will only take a couple "of" tweaks, or the leak will only take a couple of tweaks?

Please, for my sake, steel yourself and only capitalize the beginning of a line if it is the start of the sentence. If for no other reason, do it for your readers as it makes the reading much more easy.

OK, I guess that's enough pounding on you for today

Dale

[Brownlie]

Let me get the form requirements out of the way first. L2 and L14 are off meter. L12 seems totally gratuitous. What rhyme scheme you are going for is completely unfamiliar to me. The point being this at the moment does not look much like a sonnet and I do not think you can get by, by just labeling it "crappy sonnet."
In one place the action does not really seem capable of leading to the conclusion.

"With neon flashlight shined inside the nose,
And now it seems the seasons are undone."

It would seem to me it would take more than a flashlight (I have no idea what a neon flashlight is - seems the two [flashlight - neon light] would be contradictory? Considering the need for a ballast to initiate the neon to glow I don't see how it could be gotten down to the size of a flashlight. Maybe LED flashlights are called neon lights?) shined into the hollow of a skull to overturn the seasons and bring on Halloween.

You may get some grief from some ecophiles with these lines

"You look so lovely with your headdress on.
The quetzal feathers that I bought last week"

Especially as the quetzal is a "rare and possibly endangered" bird.

Beware the ecophile my son,
with boldling eyes and flesh of dun!
Do not of them step counterwize,
unless you wish to be well hung.
(sorry - it's a medical condition,
I've yet to over come)

"But now my melancholy has withdrawn,
And it will only take a couple tweaks."

Your melancholy will only take a couple "of" tweaks, or the leak will only take a couple of tweaks?

Please, for my sake, steel yourself and only capitalize the beginning of a line if it is the start of the sentence. If for no other reason, do it for your readers as it makes the reading much more easy.

OK, I guess that's enough pounding on you for today

Dale

Good points, especially about the light and the general lack of cohesion.