My First Post

[Daroma]

Body cold, borrowing feathers and wings

By Daroma

Thread locked because OP responded to critique by deleting original poem leaving only the line above. mod

[bena]

Honest feedback...welp, here goes dear...remember you asked for it...

There is nothing substantial here to hold onto...it's just a gathering of wispy thoughts. Very obscure and ambiguous fragments of thoughts all gathered into one place...which is probably why it is untitled...not sure you even know what you were trying to portray or even say for that matter. The good news is...you can break up each line and make it into a good poem. Focus on just one of these thoughts and keep it substantial, with images and actions to cling to. does that make sense?

mel/bena aka the mean one.

[Erthona]

A list of dependent clauses do not a poem make.

Picnic at sunset
dog pees on coach
mother's hair on fire
cousin in a body bag
chill before morning
holding hands
chapped lips
hating job at factory
things should be better
Billy at the pool
cat's cradle under table
Moonpies in September
Orange moon in October
wet skin and weeping willow
hoping mother won't forget to pick us up...again

The only reason someone might think this is a poem, is because they have the knowledge that connects these clauses together, however as the reader does not have this information, it comes across as just a parade of meaningless phrases. Nothing much else to say, except start anew and write in complete sentences. The idea of any writing is to communicate, if communication is not achieved, then the writing is a failure. Any form of writing is subject to the rules that govern all other forms of writing, this includes poetry.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[ellajam]

Hello all,
This is my first post.  Thanks ahead for your honest feedback.

UNTITLED
Years have past
Leaders have changed
Old song, old movies
Smile in the morning while rain is falling
Cup of tea, with dried fruit
Moon and book are friends together
Dark and light are connected
Knowledge is my neighbor
Tower in the city
Turn on the radio like lullaby at night
Quiet nature makes my spirit awake
Opened the window to welcome the wind
Ghost-like music, whisper to my ears
Unknown words make my day complete
Empty bottle full of memories
Body cold, borrowing feathers and wings
Angry world
Don’t steal my breath away
Voices in the ocean
Messenger from the mountains
Myth of love, stars gave us
Mother Earth keep me in your warm embrace.

By Daroma

Hi, and welcome.I looked through to see what you could take from this to build on. The only line that struck me was "Body cold, borrowing feathers and wings". I have no idea what it means but it was the only line that made me think. I assume you know what it means, maybe you can work with it.

There is a link on the home page to Colin Ward's poetry tips. It's a fun read full of reminders of what to look out for.

Hope you enjoy the site.

Oh, and titles are hard for me too, but they are your first chance to draw a reader in. If you value a piece enough to work on it at least give us a way to to identify it.

[tectak]

Hello all,
This is my first post.  Thanks ahead for your honest feedback.

UNTITLED
Years have past passed not past. I have heard of the Last Post. Give it a title...how hard can it be? Laziness gets no praise
Leaders have changed As this is your first post we must assume that you do not know how to punctuate... you must have read a poem somewhere but capitalising every line died out with the invention of the printing press. Read something after 1950. The problem is made overwhelming by the combination of the lack of punctuation AND capitalising of line starts . It detracts from the poetry...you know, poetry. Meter, rhyme, metaphor, imagery. No need for all...but some would be nice
Old song, old movies
Smile in the morning while rain is falling
Cup of tea, with dried fruit
Moon and book are friends together
Dark and light are connected This is delicate. Likeable even...sort out the afforementioned issues and things will geometrically improve. You write," ..while rain is falling cup of tea, with dried fruit moon and book are friends together knowledge is my neighbour tower..." Bollocks....meant kindly, of course.
Knowledge is my neighbor
Tower in the city
Turn on the radio like lullaby at night
Quiet nature makes my spirit awake
Opened the window to welcome the wind
Ghost-like music, whisper to my ears
Unknown words make my day complete
Empty bottle full of memories
Body cold, borrowing feathers and wings
Angry world
Don’t steal my breath away Am I missing something or is this a cliche-chanteuse? In fact, is the whole thing made up of bits from songs? Tell me I am wrong, please.
Voices in the ocean
Messenger from the mountains
Myth of love, stars gave us
Mother Earth keep me in your warm embrace. You walk the walk...but can you talk the talk. I have absolutely no idea what these random muses are all about so I can now understand why it has no title...it is not about anything. Don't make it the Last Post.
Best,
tectak

By Daroma

[shemthepenman]

Hello

here goes...

Hello all,
This is my first post.  Thanks ahead for your honest feedback.

UNTITLED - I heard once that 'untitled' is the most ubiquitous title there is. In which case not only is it lazy but it is also unoriginal. When I see 'untitled' at the top of a poem, it is an omen.
Years have past
Leaders have changed
Old song, old movies - ok so, I have quickly scanned it, and you are not using punctuation to its fullest. You have [some] commas but only one full-stop. Either use punctuation or don't. Also, 'old songs' plural, surely?
Smile in the morning while rain is falling - This is a nice line, as long as it is refering to the previous line, but because of the lack of punctuation, who knows? Also, don't be affraid to use articles. Maybe try 'while the rain is falling', it gives it a more concrete feeling. It is often an amateur mistake to think that removing articles suddenly makes something more poetic. It doesn't, at all.
Cup of tea, with dried fruit - again, although the lack of indefinite article here isn't such a big deal, it does add an element of confusion about tense and person. In fact, up to this point there isn't a person or a tense. I am just getting random images floating in space that have a tenuous connection, at best.
Moon and book are friends together - You haven't established any subject, or time or... anything. I infer that this has something to do with reading at night but because there is no subject, no perspective, it is just crap.
Dark and light are connected - em... yeah, they are :/
Knowledge is my neighbor - aha! at last a determiner! And it is you. And...
Tower in the city - ...again, if the lack of punctuation is really intended here, then this line combined with the last is very good!
Turn on the radio like lullaby at night - yeah this is all very nice, but random.
Quiet nature makes my spirit awake - meaningless.
Opened the window to welcome the wind -'I I I I I opened the window!!!!' it is really annoying that you are seemingly trying to escape your own poem.
Ghost-like music, whisper to my ears
Unknown words make my day complete - meaningless.
Empty bottle full of memories - yep, this does sound like you were drunk when you wrote it. But, to be fair, although this is an awful line you are playing around with words and it could be worse.
Body cold, borrowing feathers and wings - At first I thought this was an overly poetic way of saying you got into bed... but then, why 'borrowing'? In which case it's lost on me.
Angry world - em... :/
Don’t steal my breath away
Voices in the ocean - meaningless.
Messenger from the mountains - meaningless.
Myth of love, stars gave us - half meaningless.
Mother Earth keep me in your warm embrace.


*this reminds me of that scene from Waiting for Guffman: "People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him."

By Daroma

yeah, this sounds like how someone thinks a poem should sound. But in all honesty it isn't that bad. A lot of it really doesn't make much sense, this line doesn't relate to that line, punctuation is out the window, there were some mild cliches in there, blah blah; but I really do get a sense that you are on a learning curve (that is just my impression from this one poem), and you do have something to say. My suggestion would be, try to keep the spirit of the poem (growing old and facing death - and the kind of banality of that process 'drinking tea, being no wiser [knowledge is a neighbour - best lines in the poem 'knowledge is my neighbour / tower in the city' great line and really great in the context of the poem (I am just a little concerned it may have been by accident)], not wanting to die, but wanting to be safe after death, nature and humanity... etc.) but get rid of your preconceived ideas about how poetry should sound.

ps. I have re-evaluated my criticism of '