P.D.Q.
What do you do
If the trouble arises from a choice
One has already sealed
And mailed off long ago,
Like parcels to world’s end?
A driver sees an alley,
Travels down it,
And soon finds it too narrow.
The price for going forward is bodywork.
If ego and a wallet were on similar scales
He might live with gnarly scratches,
Or toss his cash to craftsmen.
His ears adjust to shrieks of metal,
The scarring, as well as the scarred.
Our bulk ruins the brickwork
Of boundaries enshrining us on either side.
Backing out never occurs to a lead foot.
We park ourselves therein, surrender
To destination’s ego, having begged,
Borrowed, and stolen to get here.
Bad things do transpire when terrible people
Aren’t smart enough to run.
What’s so wrong with the direction
Of his origin?
Who did he disappoint last year?
These freedoms we named choice
Are seedlings grown into folly's foliage
Marking the way to one point in terminus.
To lower the eyes bows the head.
He shakes his hands off of the 10, and the 2.
He holds his palms together as in the desperation
Of single-minded closing.
He knows that the reopening of either,
Or both,
Won’t change the past obstructing him.
Only the thumps of his heart run now.
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(01-20-2015, 05:24 AM)Utnapishtim Wrote: P.D.Q.
What do you do
If the trouble arises from a choice
One has already sealed
And mailed off long ago,
Like parcels to world’s end? -- The syntax seems a little off here.
A driver sees an alley,
Travels down it,
And soon finds it too narrow.
The price for going forward is bodywork.
If ego and a wallet were on similar scales
He might live with gnarly scratches,
Or toss his cash to craftsmen. -- Do you mean the mechanic?
His ears adjust to shrieks of metal,
The scarring, as well as the scarred. -- I feel like more clear and straightforward details concerning the narrative events here would be helpful. It seems like someone drove into an alley and scratched up their (or someone else's) car.
Our bulk ruins the brickwork
Of boundaries enshrining us on either side.
Backing out never occurs to a lead foot.
We park ourselves therein, surrender
To destination’s ego, having begged,
Borrowed, and stolen to get here.
Bad things do transpire when terrible people -- For whatever my opinion is worth, I wouldn't use "do" to pad or "fill-in" the meter.
Aren’t smart enough to run.
What’s so wrong with the direction
Of his origin?
Who did he disappoint last year?
These freedoms we named choice
Are seedlings grown into folly's foliage -- Not sure I like personifications of adjectives too much. Though, perhaps you could argue for them. Also, I'm not sure you would want to add much explanation like this, especially if you want the center of your piece to be an extended metaphor.
Marking the way to one point in terminus.
To lower the eyes bows the head.
He shakes his hands off of the 10, and the 2. --- Now, it seems to me that 10 and 2 fits quite nicely into meter. "He shakes his hands off 10 and 2" In fact, I rather like the tick and tack sound of 10 and 2.
He holds his palms together as in the desperation
Of single-minded closing.
He knows that the reopening of either,
Or both,
Won’t change the past obstructing him.
Only the thumps of his heart run now.
I left some comments, perhaps they will be helpful. Good luck with it.
Posts: 21
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2015
(01-20-2015, 05:24 AM)Utnapishtim Wrote: P.D.Q.
What do you do
If the trouble arises from a choice
One has already sealed
And mailed off long ago,
Like parcels to world’s end? #This line is melodramatic to me
A driver sees an alley,
Travels down it,
And soon finds it too narrow.
The price for going forward is bodywork.
If ego and a wallet were on similar scales
He might live with gnarly scratches,
Or toss his cash to craftsmen.
His ears adjust to shrieks of metal,
The scarring, as well as the scarred.
Our bulk ruins the brickwork
Of boundaries enshrining us on either side. # this is a really nice line
Backing out never occurs to a lead foot.
We park ourselves therein, surrender
To destination’s ego, having begged,
Borrowed, and stolen to get here.
Bad things do transpire when terrible people
Aren’t smart enough to run.
What’s so wrong with the direction
Of his origin? #I don't know. what?
Who did he disappoint last year?
These freedoms we named choice
Are seedlings grown into folly's foliage
Marking the way to one point in terminus.
To lower the eyes bows the head.
He shakes his hands off of the 10, and the 2.
He holds his palms together as in the desperation
Of single-minded closing.
He knows that the reopening of either,
Or both,
Won’t change the past obstructing him.
Only the thumps of his heart run now.
I left some comments on lines where specific thoughts stood out. Overall I enjoyed the imagery, but have no idea what the poem is about.
Posts: 33
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2015
(01-20-2015, 05:24 AM)Utnapishtim Wrote: P.D.Q.
What do you do
If the trouble arises from a choice
One has already sealed
And mailed off long ago,
Like parcels to world’s end? this first stanza is well penned
A driver sees an alley,
Travels down it,
And soon finds it too narrow.
The price for going forward is bodywork.
If ego and a wallet were on similar scales
He might live with gnarly scratches,it might just be me but gnarly is not the right word in my opinion
Or toss his cash to craftsmen.
His ears adjust to shrieks of metal,
The scarring, as well as the scarred.this confused me
Our bulk ruins the brickwork here the perspective changes from "a driver" to "we".
Of boundaries enshrining us on either side.
Backing out never occurs to a lead foot.
We park ourselves therein, surrender
To destination’s ego, having begged,
Borrowed, and stolen to get here.
Bad things do transpire when terrible people
Aren’t smart enough to run.
What’s so wrong with the directionhere it changes back to "he" again
Of his origin?
Who did he disappoint last year?
These freedoms we named choice
Are seedlings grown into folly's foliagethis line is really good
Marking the way to one point in terminus.
To lower the eyes bows the head.this line makes no sense gramatically[b][/b]
He shakes his hands off of the 10, and the 2.
He holds his palms together as in the desperation
Of single-minded closing. this doesnt make sense to me...is this a single mind closing or the closing of single mindedness?
He knows that the reopening of either,his hands and his head?
Or both,
Won’t change the past obstructing him.
Only the thumps of his heart run now.
Though there is a very obvious and spelled out series of events and such (the man and the car and the very thin alley way) , i feel if there is any deeper meaning i at least could not clue into it, and i still dont understand what PDQ means. On another note, your imagery is good, and your word choice is also very well done, though some of the lines are oddly written or dont make sense, as i noted. Theres plenty of greatness in this poem, well done, and i look forward to a revision shoukd you choose to rewrite it.
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2015
(01-20-2015, 05:24 AM)Utnapishtim Wrote: P.D.Q. This title doesn't mean anything to me. Quick google search suggested it might stand for 'pretty darn quickly'.
What do you do
If the trouble arises from a choice
One has already sealed
And mailed off long ago,
Like parcels to world’s end? I disagree with first_high_of_the_day, I think this is a strong line (but maybe I'm a melodramatic person).
A driver sees an alley,
Travels down it,
And soon finds it too narrow.
The price for going forward is bodywork.
If ego and a wallet were on similar scales
He might live with gnarly scratches,
Or toss his cash to craftsmen.
The meaning of the second half of this stanza isn't clear to me (after line 4). Are you saying that if this person was as proud as they are rich then it would be a toss up as to whether they'd fix the car's scratches or not? If that's your intention it would make more sense to say something like: if ego and a wallet balanced the scale.
His ears adjust to shrieks of metal,
The scarring, as well as the scarred. The scarred what?
Our bulk ruins the brickwork
Of boundaries enshrining us on either side.
Backing out never occurs to a lead foot.
We park ourselves therein, surrender 'Therein' sticks out as an oddly formal word compared to the rest.
To destination’s ego, having begged, Is there a meaning behind the repetition of the idea of ego here?
Borrowed, and stolen to get here.
Bad things do transpire when terrible people
Aren’t smart enough to run.
What’s so wrong with the direction
Of his origin?
Who did he disappoint last year?
These freedoms we named choice
Are seedlings grown into folly's foliage The use of a seedling as an image doesn't mesh with the rest of the poem for me - images of cars, bricks, letters (non-organic things).
Marking the way to one point in terminus.
To lower the eyes bows the head.
He shakes his hands off of the 10, and the 2. I don't think the ambiguity in this line (not knowing what you mean by 'the 10' or 'the 2') helps the poem.
He holds his palms together as in the desperation
Of single-minded closing.
He knows that the reopening of either,
Or both,
Won’t change the past obstructing him.
Only the thumps of his heart run now.
Well done, some strong metaphors and interesting line breaks. An enjoyable read  .
My interpretation was that the poem is about past choices leading you to difficult (and inescapable) situations in the future, and how you deal with them. This impression came to me on the first read, so I didn't have difficulty finding meaning like others have commented. If this is what you intended I think it'll come through easily once the oddly written lines are tidied up.
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